My story

[aloneinaz]

Thanks aloneinaz. You're right we did have a short break in which he came begging back, only to have his same doubts just days after I agreed to get back.

I held onto that for a while because I felt I had been messed around. Hopes built up again etc. I don't know how or why relationships run their course, I always thought there's usually a reason which I guess is why I sometimes still find myself wondering now.

 

 

I don't know Meli, we've all had relationships that we felt were great at the start but as time passed and the honeymoon stage ended, we discovered they were not a long term fit. This site is littered with stories of people who stayed in toxic/dysfunctional relationships far to long, myself included. Why? Cause in many cases, we are lazy or have self esteem issues or worry we won't find anyone better...We've all started relationships that we're great in many areas but also included red flags that we chose to ignore. While no partner is going to be perfect, we all have the common sense to see when LARGE red flags appear in the first few months and we don't listen to our little voices in the back of our heads.

 

 

Failed relationships can be a good thing as well. It's an opportunity for us to learn what we like or don't like in a partner. We then take that valuable experience into the dating arena w/us so we don't repeat past mistakes.

 

 

In your case, be glad it ended now. So many people feel devastated when a R/S ends that ended up being not so great anyway. It could be a lot worse. You could of married this person and had 3 young kids when you discovered you simply were not compatible. You're then stuck having to deal with the ex for the next 18 years...

[aboucher21]

Meli it is absolutely normal to think about your ex. Some move on quicker than others. My ex gf moved on 1 day after the break up - she fell in love with a guy after 4 hours meeting. Day later she broke up and now they are seeing each other. My ego isn't bruised - it is destroyed (I was going to propose to her last week!).

 

I have not moved on yet, but it has only been 3 weeks. I have thinking about her every single day. And I am sure I will think about her at 30, 60, 90 180 days post-break up. It is what you are feeling about him what counts. And you said you are no longer in love with him. That's good.

 

I don't think that relationship will last particularly long

[Meli22]

Aloneinaz, myself included! I did a thread a couple months back about how controlling he was. It caused so many issues. He could never fully trust me and I have no idea why. He used to think I wanted other men constantly (never gave him a reason to think that, I pride myself on being a one man woman when in a relationship and I genuinely don't ever want anyone else), he had issues with what I wore, etc etc. there were many issues that I chose to ignore because (similar to the thread title) I liked the idea of him, who he was when we first met, and what he could be.. Rather than actually focusing on what he was. Oh and he convinced me so much that I was doing wrong all of the time that I had little self esteem/self belief and so I'd never stand up for myself or tell anyone what was going wrong. And I felt like I didn't deserve him. He actually told me I should pay him a salary because guys like him are a dying breed. Everything was a big issue for him so perhaps that caused a shift for him. I'm guessing (and hoping, otherwise I really would of been foolish) that his behaviour would have soon enough caused me to drift from him.

 

When I think of things that way, I'm relieved it ended. I can live a life no longer spent walking on eggshells. I felt angry at first that after everything, he was the one who felt different. But sometimes I wonder if I also felt different but just didn't recognise it. I know I felt I couldn't often relax, and worried about what sort of life I was in for if I was going to have to walk around with my eyes on the floor, be accused of things that he had imagined, not been able to wear what I want etc. blessings In disguise maybe. I need to hold on to that thought.

[aloneinaz]

Aloneinaz, myself included! I did a thread a couple months back about how controlling he was. It caused so many issues. He could never fully trust me and I have no idea why. He used to think I wanted other men constantly (never gave him a reason to think that, I pride myself on being a one man woman when in a relationship and I genuinely don't ever want anyone else), he had issues with what I wore, etc etc. there were many issues that I chose to ignore because (similar to the thread title) I liked the idea of him, who he was when we first met, and what he could be.. Rather than actually focusing on what he was. Oh and he convinced me so much that I was doing wrong all of the time that I had little self esteem/self belief and so I'd never stand up for myself or tell anyone what was going wrong. And I felt like I didn't deserve him. He actually told me I should pay him a salary because guys like him are a dying breed. Everything was a big issue for him so perhaps that caused a shift for him. I'm guessing (and hoping, otherwise I really would of been foolish) that his behaviour would have soon enough caused me to drift from him.

 

When I think of things that way, I'm relieved it ended. I can live a life no longer spent walking on eggshells. I felt angry at first that after everything, he was the one who felt different. But sometimes I wonder if I also felt different but just didn't recognise it. I know I felt I couldn't often relax, and worried about what sort of life I was in for if I was going to have to walk around with my eyes on the floor, be accused of things that he had imagined, not been able to wear what I want etc. blessings In disguise maybe. I need to hold on to that thought.

 

 

Yes, you absolutely need to focus on these highlighted thoughts. My last ex probably had BPD. I always felt like I was not only walking on egg shells but walking thru a mine field, trying to keep from hitting a mine.

 

 

You need to do what I did after my last ex. I felt exactly like you did. I missed the relationship but NOT HER. My biggest take home value from that split was it identified that I had issues that I needed to address in myself. My mother went off on me when I kept staying w/this ex, despite how she treated me, over and over. What I found in my case is I did have some self esteem issues and other damages from a horrible 10 year marriage that was toxic and dysfunctional. This last ex was similar and I realized that all the chaos that I was tolerating was the "norm" for me because I tolerated it in my marriage for far too long. I ended my marriage BUT... didn't "learn" from it.

 

 

I did some therapy after that R/S ended and thru the work, I identified specific areas that had been damaged in myself from the marriage and other past traumas. I was then able to address them.

 

 

I started dating afterward with a whole new mindset. I knew I'd NEVER date that ex again. The hard work paid off. As I started dating, my radar was working overtime in identifying deal breakers. I dated a few different girls the first few months post break up. The red flags were "flashing" in my mind brightly this time and I stopped dating them when they presented themselves. I was then lucky enough to meet my now 2 year GF. I have to say, it was very strange/odd to have a relationship that was so easy. No drama. No blow ups. She wasn't an emotional/moody mess. The relationship ship evolved and was simply easy which is what I hadn't experience before. To be honest, it took a while to get use to it. I kept waiting "for the other shoe to drop" or for her to stop being on her best behavior.

 

 

At the end of the day, EVERYONE brings baggage into a relationship. Everyone is at some stage of healing from their last R/S. I just learned to look for the person w/the smallest suit case.

[Meli22]

You're right and for the most part I do feel like I had a lucky escape in some ways, despite the heartbreak. I think because of how we met, the timing, the chemistry, everything felt SO right for us. We felt like this was it, we'd met our perfect match. the high was so high that it just came down and crashed and burned in the worst possible way. And whilst we were so high, because of how "right" it initially felt, perhaps I was ignoring the red flags along the way.

[Meli22]

Hey everyone

 

So I'm not sure if everyone knows my story but it's around here somewhere. Basically I left my ex 5 months ago (wow that's flown) because for 5 months prior to me leaving, he was doubting his feelings for me and saying the spark felt less. During this time he treated me terribly; no affection, he became much more possessive than usual, emotional blackmailing, he wouldn't talk about anything. You name it. I stuck my him and remained hopeful that this was just a phase (he suffered depression and anxiety) and stayed loving towards him. Eventually I got so tired of feeling miserable and my confidence was at rock bottom so I left. He was shocked by this (I don't know why) and tried to win me back. I decided to give another shot but he just took me for granted again, and started doubting his feelings again literally the second he got me back. So I left again.

 

It was really awful for me at first but I'm doing a lot better now in general. There has been no contact except for one time. But the thing I'm struggling with are the ongoing questions and wonderings. I keep wondering why his feelings changed. I know it happens all the time but there's usually a reason. Nothing in particular happened prior to this apart from the fact that we got stuck in a rut. My ex wanted to watch TV all day, on the days that we got to spend together. Things became boring. I knew this and was always suggesting new things but he never wanted to. He wasn't really the spontaneous type and he liked doing nothing. So of course, the rut came. It's funny because when we started dating he said he hated routine and boring relationships, but I feel he kinda let that happen to us. He also said that he felt this could happen to him in every relationship, the spark going.

 

Although I'm doing much better, it still hurts and my ego was crushed. I find myself wondering still why his feelings changed. The time we spoke months after the BU, he said to me he didn't understand any of this and what triggered him to change. I don't want him back so I'm not looking for hope. Those that know my story will know how emotionally abusive and controlling he was. But the thought of him dating hurts me. Why is this? And why do I care so much about how he felt/feels? Is this normal and has anyone else been in my position?

 

Thanks

[Qboro90]

My guess would be that the time you spent with him and the emotional abuse that was inflicted on you has affected your own self worth and confidence perhaps more than you're willing to admit. You clearly state that this guy treated you terribly, you did everything you could to make it work and if anything things got worse. Then after promising change you gave it a second chance only to see that words were completely filled with empty promises and the actions he showed only confirmed that you needed to leave permanently.

 

You're struggling with your perception of "what he could be" instead of realizing "what/who is actually is". And that's not a good person. He's manipulated you to the point where you self doubt and question decisions that anyone whose read your story can see as common sense and rational decisions to make.

 

He will eventually date someone else. You need to remember that while it may appear on the surface that he's the model boyfriend now and this girl is getting all the treatment you should've gotten and that you deserve. Just know that the view out there for the public to view is not what is really going on. Behind closed doors he'll be Doing the exact same things he did to you. You'll just fear that the 1 in a million chance that he changed has now happened and its with another girl. Guess what? One in a million doesn't happen with guys like him. Know that. Say it over and over that he is who he is and if he was gonna change for anyone it would've been you, but he didn't/wouldn't/couldn't. Let yourself experience dating again. Or take time for yourself and work on building back up your own self worth and confidence again. I think that may be the best move for you right now.

 

Removing him from your social media and blocking him will also help the temptations to check and see what he's up to/who he's with. You escaped. Don't look back and check to see how the prison is holding up. It's a prison, they'll always suck and you never wanna go back.

[Meli22]

Thanks for the reply

 

We don't have eachother on social media so I don't know what he's up to. I think you're right in saying he crushed my self esteem more than I realise. I had therapy for a while and it definitely helped me see that. When I tell people now what he was like during our rship they are shocked. It saddens me that I let this happen but my confidence was so low that I was blind to it. Maybe this is why I still wonder so much. I'm actually embarrassed to admit but I can't help it.

[foolinlove79]

Everyone always told me what a nice guy my ex was after they met him. But he was a crappy boyfriend. I feel like being in toxic rs is damaging to our esteem and confidence and it takes time to work through that and build it up again.

 

My ex is seeing someone else and i just tell myself that in the beginning it will probably be great for them. But ultimately he will treat her the same. Criticising of personality. Not being supportive. Break ups. Emotional games.

 

You have to tell yourself you are better off and even if he is dating someone else all it means is that he is someone elses problem now and not yours.

 

I think we are more in love with the idea of these men then who and what they really are. I dont think they can change who they really are..for anyone.

[YellowPetal]

I wondered the same thing about my ex. I realized he never cared for me at all; he lied and used me because it served his own interests at the time. I worked so hard to make HIM happy and to make HIS life better that I completely forgot I was the most importan person in my life. The relationship made me feel so small and weak, and I didn't even realize that he was abusing me emotionally until it was too late. Fortunately, life has a way of showing us the truth and I am so grateful for that right now.

You had the guts to leave him and to realize he was taking advantage of you. You should feel proud of yourself; you realized what kind of person he really is. I don't think your bf's feelings changed. You were just good for his ego or maybe you made him feel less lonely. He acted nice to you so that you could fall for him, and when he realized he had you where he wanted you, he stopped working to make you feel good because he knew you'd be there as long as he needed you.

You should stop thinking about why this or that happened (something I am trying to do as well), and understand your life will be so much better now that he's not a part of it anymore. You are free from all the pain and stress he brought to your life. People like him are toxic and destroy everything that is beautiful, gentle and sweet. He's one of those people that will never be happy and will never be able to make anyone else happy. One day you will find someone amazing who will sincerely love you, and someone who could never even imagine hurting you.

[Meli22]

Everyone always told me what a nice guy my ex was after they met him. But he was a crappy boyfriend. I feel like being in toxic rs is damaging to our esteem and confidence and it takes time to work through that and build it up again.

 

My ex is seeing someone else and i just tell myself that in the beginning it will probably be great for them. But ultimately he will treat her the same. Criticising of personality. Not being supportive. Break ups. Emotional games.

 

You have to tell yourself you are better off and even if he is dating someone else all it means is that he is someone elses problem now and not yours.

 

I think we are more in love with the idea of these men then who and what they really are. I dont think they can change who they really are..for anyone.

 

I agree. I think it's the idea of who they could be rather than who they were. My ex was a completely different person to who I thought he was. He was very insecure too. I think break ups like this make it harder because they had damaged our self belief anyway. I actually hated myself and believed I didn't deserve my ex and that he could do much better. That kind of thinking is just torture and it drove me crazy. That on top of the cold behaviour from them and constant criticisms and accusations, it's no wonder we feel the way we do.

[Meli22]

I wondered the same thing about my ex. I realized he never cared for me at all; he lied and used me because it served his own interests at the time. I worked so hard to make HIM happy and to make HIS life better that I completely forgot I was the most importan person in my life. The relationship made me feel so small and weak, and I didn't even realize that he was abusing me emotionally until it was too late. Fortunately, life has a way of showing us the truth and I am so grateful for that right now.

You had the guts to leave him and to realize he was taking advantage of you. You should feel proud of yourself; you realized what kind of person he really is. I don't think your bf's feelings changed. You were just good for his ego or maybe you made him feel less lonely. He acted nice to you so that you could fall for him, and when he realized he had you where he wanted you, he stopped working to make you feel good because he knew you'd be there as long as he needed you.

You should stop thinking about why this or that happened (something I am trying to do as well), and understand your life will be so much better now that he's not a part of it anymore. You are free from all the pain and stress he brought to your life. People like him are toxic and destroy everything that is beautiful, gentle and sweet. He's one of those people that will never be happy and will never be able to make anyone else happy. One day you will find someone amazing who will sincerely love you, and someone who could never even imagine hurting you.

 

It's crazy that we don't see it while it's happening. I remember coming home from a holiday with him and crying to my mum. I told her it was because I was so happy but deep down it was because of how bad he'd made me feel whilst we were away. I don't know why I care so much about why this happened or what I did wrong because I know it wasn't my fault. I think it hurts knowing we put up with so much from these people that it knocks us even more when it's them who doubt their feelings. I think deep down I probably wasn't 100% happy, but for some stupid reason I ignored how I felt and focused on how he was feeling.

[YellowPetal]

It's crazy that we don't see it while it's happening. I remember coming home from a holiday with him and crying to my mum. I told her it was because I was so happy but deep down it was because of how bad he'd made me feel whilst we were away. I don't know why I care so much about why this happened or what I did wrong because I know it wasn't my fault. I think it hurts knowing we put up with so much from these people that it knocks us even more when it's them who doubt their feelings. I think deep down I probably wasn't 100% happy, but for some stupid reason I ignored how I felt and focused on how he was feeling.

 

Unfortunately, love does that us. When you're in love, you trust them completely. That's a huge mistake because you can't trust anyone completely, ever. We have to train our brain to recognize red flags, and to let go of the relationship when the other person is making our life more complicated instead of making it better. Also, these things happen to us because life is trying to teach us something we need to learn and the same thing will keep happening until we correct our mistakes.

[Meli22]

Yeah, it sucks. I hate that it still bothers me and that I still wonder how he feels/felt about me, and that the thought of him with someone else bothers me too. I've been dating here and there but nothing serious yet. I hate the thought that he just fell out of love with me and has moved on and doesn't feel anything, but I still hurt a little. I know I really shouldn't feel like this and I do realise it's not my loss because of how he treated me but, we can't help these things I guess.

[LivingDeadGrl]

Yeah, it sucks. I hate that it still bothers me and that I still wonder how he feels/felt about me, and that the thought of him with someone else bothers me too. I've been dating here and there but nothing serious yet. I hate the thought that he just fell out of love with me and has moved on and doesn't feel anything, but I still hurt a little. I know I really shouldn't feel like this and I do realise it's not my loss because of how he treated me but, we can't help these things I guess.

 

I feel the same way, going through a break up right now. I moved out two days ago and it's been really, really hard. He was emotionally abusive and took me for granted, lied to me, hid things, did a lot of really horrible things but I am hoping that when I get to your stage (5 months) I don't feel this way anymore. I don't have him on Facebook anymore but I haven't blocked him. I am still getting used to trying not to talk to him every day. It's just a habit, for us both.

I think he is more than likely going to jump to the next before I do. I just really hope I don't care anymore when that happens. He has damaged my self esteem so much to where I didn't know who I was anymore. I still need to get back who I am before I consider anything or anyone else.

 

Try going out and dating more, maybe it will help you stop thinking about these things. He will just do the same thing to the next girl, they don't change.

[Meli22]

I feel the same way, going through a break up right now. I moved out two days ago and it's been really, really hard. He was emotionally abusive and took me for granted, lied to me, hid things, did a lot of really horrible things but I am hoping that when I get to your stage (5 months) I don't feel this way anymore. I don't have him on Facebook anymore but I haven't blocked him. I am still getting used to trying not to talk to him every day. It's just a habit, for us both.

I think he is more than likely going to jump to the next before I do. I just really hope I don't care anymore when that happens. He has damaged my self esteem so much to where I didn't know who I was anymore. I still need to get back who I am before I consider anything or anyone else.

 

Try going out and dating more, maybe it will help you stop thinking about these things. He will just do the same thing to the next girl, they don't change.

It's early days for you, it does get better I promise. I look back on how I felt when it first happened and I remember waking up shaking every day for like a week. It was awful, I was a mess. I don't feel like that now.. I'm actually quite content with my life but this still plays on my mind often and, although the pain isn't as intense, it still gets to me. I hate the fact that it does, I hate feeling like he's probably ok and I'm embarrassed to admit that it still affects me. It's silly but I can't help it. I'd definitely like to date again, the few I have came on too strong and didn't really seem like I'd want to pursue something with them. But it'd be nice to meet someone who I am interested in.

 

Emotional abuse is a terrible thing and like you, I lost track of who I was too. I knew deep down I was a good person with good values but my ex made me feel like I wasn't. He used to say there would probably be other girls out there with the same morals as him. I hated hearing that, it made me feel so unloved and not special at all. But I listened to him and let him say those things because he'd made me believe a part of it was true. I can't believe some of the things I let him get away with. Mine never lied (that I know of, except the odd occasion) it was more of belittling me and making me feel I was so less than him and that he was always right, I wasn't. And also controlling behaviour too.

[LivingDeadGrl]

It's early days for you, it does get better I promise. I look back on how I felt when it first happened and I remember waking up shaking every day for like a week. It was awful, I was a mess. I don't feel like that now.. I'm actually quite content with my life but this still plays on my mind often and, although the pain isn't as intense, it still gets to me. I hate the fact that it does, I hate feeling like he's probably ok and I'm embarrassed to admit that it still affects me. It's silly but I can't help it. I'd definitely like to date again, the few I have came on too strong and didn't really seem like I'd want to pursue something with them. But it'd be nice to meet someone who I am interested in.

 

Emotional abuse is a terrible thing and like you, I lost track of who I was too. I knew deep down I was a good person with good values but my ex made me feel like I wasn't. He used to say there would probably be other girls out there with the same morals as him. I hated hearing that, it made me feel so unloved and not special at all. But I listened to him and let him say those things because he'd made me believe a part of it was true. I can't believe some of the things I let him get away with. Mine never lied (that I know of, except the odd occasion) it was more of belittling me and making me feel I was so less than him and that he was always right, I wasn't. And also controlling behaviour too.

 

It sounds like you still have a lot of healing to do. I know I do as well. Mine used to say that I will never find a guy that won't cheat on me, or that won't use me for my body. Yet, he asked me to still sleep with him after we break up. Soo... He's willing to say other men are going to use me, but it's okay for him to do it?

He also makes comments about not saying hello to him, or saying goodnight. It has crossed my mind to do so, but since I am no longer his girlfriend I don't do it. He then makes me feel horrible about not doing it. Very manipulative and emotionally abusive.

When we were together he used to yell at me for not answering my phone if I was at work. But yet, he could never answer the phone when he was at work.

Just little things like that I try to focus on, to remind me that he mostly just caused me to be stressed out and feeling like crap. I know he will just do it to the next one, and I feel bad for them but they will have to figure that out themselves. He will beat down their self esteem too, just like he did to me and his ex wife. We both stayed with him though! I had enough courage to leave after 4.5 years. She didn't, he left her for me... but she was a drunk during their marriage and I now understand why.

Sorry, was totally ranting there!!!

[Meli22]

Rant away mine said the same thing when I left him, that I'll never find someone as respectful and trustworthy as him. And he too preached about things I did but did them himself. I felt like I was on eggshells the whole rship. Hes had quite a few failed relationships and I wonder if this is why.

[LivingDeadGrl]

Rant away mine said the same thing when I left him, that I'll never find someone as respectful and trustworthy as him. And he too preached about things I did but did them himself. I felt like I was on eggshells the whole rship. Hes had quite a few failed relationships and I wonder if this is why.

 

I think guys like this just want to be idolized and worshiped, they are perfect in the beginning but once they start revealing who they really are and the woman starts realizing, he will beat down their self esteem so they become a door mat. She hangs on because she still thinks they are that perfect guy that she first met. He isn't!

It takes a long time for some of us to realize, some of us know better and will have the courage and enough self respect left to walk away when it becomes too damaging, others will continue being that door mat and find other ways to cope.

[Meli22]

I think guys like this just want to be idolized and worshiped, they are perfect in the beginning but once they start revealing who they really are and the woman starts realizing, he will beat down their self esteem so they become a door mat. She hangs on because she still thinks they are that perfect guy that she first met. He isn't!

It takes a long time for some of us to realize, some of us know better and will have the courage and enough self respect left to walk away when it becomes too damaging, others will continue being that door mat and find other ways to cope.

 

I think that too. My ex would always say things to convince me how great he was, even though at the time I didn't actually doubt it. I remember when we first met he said I should pay him a salary because guys like him are dying out. That made me feel really weird and I thought it was arrogant. A part of me wonders whether it was just me who he was like this with, and that hurts. His other break ups, most of them he said were very amicable and down to other things. He hurt me so much though both during AND after the break up, and I still feel pain now! It doesn't make sense to me because I should feel relieved and free (I do a lot of the time) but then sometimes I feel sad, hurt and like I meant nothing to him. And that he's moving on fine and I stil feel upset at times. I have no evidence that he's moved on, or how he feels etc but my mind tells me otherwise. I know it's ridiculous and I shouldn't think that way but.. For some reason i just do, and don't know why. Frustrating.