For OM which the MW left to go with you.

[GuyN]

Hi,

 

Question to all the other man out there (OW can chip in too obviously). How long did it take for your AP to leave her boyfriend/husband to go with you?

 

I have been involved with a women(not married, but 3 kids) for the past 6 months. For the whole duration she told me she would never leave her boyfriend, even thougt she tell me she loves me. It hasnt been going well for the past year thought. The past 2-3 months were a lot worse at home she says and this past week, she told me for the first time, that she would most likely leave her boyfriend now.

 

So now I wait, but I wonder how long that take (I know every situation is unique, but I want to get an idea).

 

Also anything special that you did in the end to help her clear up her mind?

 

Thanks!

[DKT3]

Hi,

 

Question to all the other man out there (OW can chip in too obviously). How long did it take for your AP to leave her boyfriend/husband to go with you?

 

I have been involved with a women(not married, but 3 kids) for the past 6 months. For the whole duration she told me she would never leave her boyfriend, even thougt she tell me she loves me. It hasnt been going well for the past year thought. The past 2-3 months were a lot worse at home she says and this past week, she told me for the first time, that she would most likely leave her boyfriend now.

 

So now I wait, but I wonder how long that take (I know every situation is unique, but I want to get an idea).

 

Also anything special that you did in the end to help her clear up her mind?

 

Thanks!

 

Truth is people rarely LEAVE for the AP. Kids, bills, fear and yes even love normally will keep them there.

 

I would suggest you step back and look at the whole situation. As the saying around my parts goes "you'll never see a bulls horns if you have your head shoved up his azz". Most often the WS will tell the affair partner what they need to hear to keep the affair going, that's what you need to figure out. To do this you have to follow her actions not her words.

 

And in no way should you attempt "clear up her mind". In fact the best way to know her true intentions would be to remove yourself from the situation and tell her to look you up when and only when she is single.

 

Read the forum, you will find people get caught up in this waiting game and there goes a year, then 5 then 10 and your still in the same place.

[Donate]

Don't have to leave and never wanted or expected it.

 

Its all about sharing physical pleasure and companionship thats missing at home. We come together, we talk, laugh, eat or drink coffee together, touch and share physical affection, kiss and sometimes have sex. Once our time is up we go back to our lives at home. Kind of like going to a spa.

[adna89]

Its very rare for them to leave

[Be_Strong]

Are her three children also the boyfriend's children? If so, there's a much less chance of her leaving.

[GoldieLox]

Most never leave. Most AP's live two lives and compartmentalize until the other AP, the one who usually wants more, has enough and walks away because they expect more. No happy endings.

 

Don't get your expectations up, because it's going to make it 10x worse when she doesn't leave. She can say she's going to all she wants, but many AP's say things like this for years and never act on it. It's called future-faking. I suggest you stop letting yourself get emotionally attached before it's too late. Is this guy the father of her kids? She also has them to think about. This is going to be a lot harder on her then "hey, I think I'm going to leave today". Nothing you can do or say will push her in that direction, and the more you do try to push, the more she's going to get frustrated.

[GuyN]

Thanks guys,

 

I know all this and I have a deadline in my mind anyways where I will stop the affair if nothing changes. As for being to attach, its a little to late for that sadly... and yes the boyfriend is the father.

 

The only thing that somewhat give me hope (I know shouldnt have any hope) is that every month she told me that she would never leave (mostly because of the kids). It the first time she told me the opposite and I never asked her anything. She knows that I want more, but she knows from the start, so why would she tell me that 6 months later, its not as if I was unhappy or that I told her that I would leave otherwise.

[GuyN]

O and I don't want to keep this for too much longer as I know that we will eventually be caught and that would be a disaster for everyone and I definitly do not want that.

[Poppy47]

I think you are very wise to have a deadline in mind.

 

When you are ready, issue and ultimatum and stick to it.

 

You will be better to walk away sooner than later.

 

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

How long has she been with her boyfriend and also is he the kids father?

 

Time will tell if she is future faking (giving you hope) and giving you false promises or if she follows through and leaves him.

 

Are you ready to be step dad to 3 kids?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks guys,

 

I know all this and I have a deadline in my mind anyways where I will stop the affair if nothing changes. As for being to attach, its a little to late for that sadly... and yes the boyfriend is the father.

 

The only thing that somewhat give me hope (I know shouldnt have any hope) is that every month she told me that she would never leave (mostly because of the kids). It the first time she told me the opposite and I never asked her anything. She knows that I want more, but she knows from the start, so why would she tell me that 6 months later, its not as if I was unhappy or that I told her that I would leave otherwise.

 

Saying and doing are two different things.

 

I hate to be on the won't leave bandwagon, but the chances of her actually going through with it is really low. Also, she could be greatly exaggerating the issues at home to justify her affair with you.

 

Put a time limit on this, like by summer if she hasn't spoken to him, distance yourself and detach from her. IF she really is ending it don't expect her to just up and leave and start a new life with you. Those kids will be devastated having their lives turned upside down and they will need lots of time to adjust and get used to living in two homes (they hopefully will have shared custody) so don't get involved and meet the kids for at least a year, if not more.

[DKT3]

Telling the affair partner you want to leave is a whole different story then telling the SO.

 

Also don't make any ultimatum, keep your drop death date to yourself. Reason being if she leaves it needs to be because she wants to leave him, and not because she doesn't want you to end the affair.

[elaine567]

She is thinking now of leaving just because stuff is bad at home and not because she wants to be with you, so if stuff at home improves, I guess she will again be staying, unfortunately for you.

I read that approximately 25% of cheaters leave their primary relationship, but only 10% of those end up with the AP, so 2.5% chance of her leaving her bf for you.

I guess if we talk about WSs with kids, the %s leaving will be less.

[GuyN]

How long has she been with her boyfriend and also is he the kids father?

 

Time will tell if she is future faking (giving you hope) and giving you false promises or if she follows through and leaves him.

 

Are you ready to be step dad to 3 kids?

 

20 years and yes, he is the father. I am ready to father the 3 if she lets me, otherwise i would have been long gone by now (I know that will take forever before i could actually have a relationship with the kids).

 

I don't intend to give her an ultimatum. Thats for me and me alone. We had the chat many time and I 100% agree, if she leave, it as to be because there is no future in her current relationship, not because of me.

[beach]

Be careful.

 

If she's with you that leaves the vacancy for her to fill.

[Hope Shimmers]

20 years and yes, he is the father. I am ready to father the 3 if she lets me, otherwise i would have been long gone by now (I know that will take forever before i could actually have a relationship with the kids).

 

You aren't their father, so you can't father them. They have a father. She doesn't have a choice in that part of it, even if she would like to.

 

It's great you feel that way. But I think you need to accept that it is very unlikely that she will leave. If you need backup on that, just read threads here in this forum.

[cocorico]

Question to all the other man out there (OW can chip in too obviously). How long did it take for your AP to leave her boyfriend/husband to go with you?

 

fOW here.

 

My fMM also initially did not plan to leave his M. Then we fell in love. He left his M about 3 and a half years into the A.

 

You often hear "if they're going to leave, they will leave within a few weeks / days / minutes of meeting you". That's pretty unrealistic. Unless someone has an awful R and is simply looking for the first passing bus to jump on, they're not going to leave until they've properly thought things through - including getting to know the AP thoroughly and being sure they could build a life together.mthat takes time. Most people do not meet, fall in love and decide to marry within weeks / days / minutes, so why should leaving a M take so little time and thought?

 

That said - passing time is no guarantee that the MP will leave. Some As go on for decades, even indefinitely, without D. You have to decide for yourself whether you want her to leave or not, whether you're happy to continue the A if she doesn't, and at what point you cut your losses if you want her to leave and she doesn't. If what you're getting in the A outweighs what you're missing out in a FTR, it makes sense to stay - but when the balance shifts and what you're missing outweighs what you're getting, then the pain of staying will just build up resentment, and the R is doomed. Then it's time to leave.

 

Also anything special that you did in the end to help her clear up her mind?

 

Nope, nothing *I* did.

 

But _he_ did things to take charge of his life. He went to IC and did the work required. He spoke to his kids about leaving. He spoke to his friends and family about leaving. Everyone was supportive, and he began to see it as real rather than just a "what if".

 

Then he told the BW.

 

Then he left.

 

It's not about what *you* do, it's about what she's prepared to do. Thinking about it and talking about it are important steps, but without action, they don't account for much.

[hellischrome]

My partner and his ex (of 9 years!) were on a LDR when he met me. We were friends for 8 months then got romantically involved in a mini A lasted for 1 week, then she moved down here temporarily to see if things could work out. We decided to give up our A as it wasn't right/sustainable (I also was in a LDR at the time). After 3 days that she moved to our city, she asked if he cheated. He didn't think for a second and said yes, and that he wanted to be with me.

 

The following year has been a nightmare, he was eaten by guilt for what he had done and he was having a reverse rebound, he thought he was still in love with her and we broke up for a month as I was also hating the fact that he was a total commitment phobic. Then he came back with his mind clear and after4 months he asked me to move in with him.

 

They are still in contact but he gave me his word that there is no romance involved at all, and that I am the person he loves and chose to live with.

 

So he was pretty fast at the beginning, but when it happens so quickly you have to deal with a lot of s*hit that comes afterwards (it also depends on personality, he saw her as his responsibility, I've always been much more independent).

[MuddyRock]

She has been happy with him for 20 years. Was happy during the affair until recently. You need to understand people's thinking during affairs. She is only pulling away from the partner because she is investing her emotions in you and not her real man. If you were not around she would still be happy to stay with him.

Think about what her leaving will do to her and her kids. Her kids especially. They have a father. They don't want their home torn apart. They don't want another father figure. Kids are smart and they are statistically NOT going to accept you.

If you really gave a crap about her or her kids you would bow out now. Not later, not when your ready.

If her boyfriend is so bad she will leave him on her own and find you. Her kids don't deserve their lives ripped apart because of someone's lust. If she leaves because it's genuinely bad that's one thing. It sounds like her relationship is only bad because she has allowed a third party in.

[Chasing_mya]

Guy, to me she doesn't seem certain in her decision to leave. Just because she's saying it doesn't mean she's going to do it. She may be talking a good game but until she proves it with her actions I wouldn't put all my hope in it. If you really want to be with her let her know how you feel but don't be one of those men who waste years waiting on someone who remains on the fence and never leaves. You deserve better than that.

[Cali408]

People in general, shouldn't and don't leave relationships for other people. They leave because the situation in the relationship can't be fixed.

 

So as great of a person you are, she's not going to leave because it's you.

 

In my A, she was all set to leave, had a D Day, cats out of the bag, I was hell bent on going. Changed my mind. But in hindsight, I could only imagine how insecure I would have been wondering if she was going back. Incredibly selfish on my part toward my AP not to want deal with it, but logic and smart toward my marriage and doing the right thing.

 

Not patting myself on the back. Shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place

[daisygirl19]

Based on what I've learned here, it is extremely rare. In my situation, our affair became physical about a month before my divorce was final (was waiting on the divorce decree, we were no longer living together). It retrospect, I can now see that our emotional affair started about a year prior to that though. He was still married at that time, but moved out a year later and filed for divorce 6 months after that. He is still waiting on his divorce decree. So, in my situation, we were together for 1-2 years before leaving our spouses. We are just now starting to make our relationship public, mainly due to our children.

 

Either way, it's not an easy road.

[goodyblue]

Eh. People say it rarely happens, but it happens more than the small samplE here on LS would have you believe. There aren't really any clear true stats because people who start their relationship in an affair don't advertise it. Having said that it is certainly a minority compared to those that throw the AP under the bus.

 

In my case, we were in an affair for less than a year. As I stated in another thread, we had a timeline and exit strategy from the beginning and progress was necessary all through the affair or I would have walked. Right away he had the wheels in motion to end the marriage a and followed a series of steps to that end. We had planned for his exit to be in August but his ex found the bat phone in December, eight months sooner than planned. The second she questioned him he admitted everything and left that night, never looked back. We ha e been together several years now and are completely happy. He left for me, yes, but more for himself, his happiness.