SerCay Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I've always wondered why... Why do emotional abusers always ruin special days? ESPECIALLY special days? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Erm.....Because we haven't worked through our emotions effectively enough, and we let them....? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Because they can. Seriously, it's a flex and a power trip, and it's a fantastic way to put you in your place (which you of course deserve because of all the horrible things you've done to them). You don't deserve to be happy - especially on special days. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Why do emotional abusers always ruin special days? ESPECIALLY special days? SerCay, my experience with BPDers is that they typically start the very WORST fights either during or immediately after the very BEST of times. Although BPDers generally crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, they cannot tolerate it very long when they get it. Because a BPDer has a fragile ego and a very weak sense of who he is, he will quickly start to feel engulfed and suffocated by his partner's strong personality during intimate moments. It can be a very frightening feeling of losing one's self into the partner's personality, i.e., a scary feeling that you are being merged into that person and thus no longer having a separate self. As I saw repeatedly with my BPDer exW, the result is that the BPDer's subconscious will protect her by projecting those painful feelings onto her partner (i.e., onto ME). Hence, at a conscious level, she will be convinced that the bad thoughts or painful feelings are originating with her partner. This, then, seems to be the primary reason a BPDer typically will create fights -- over absolutely nothing but what she is imagining to be true -- immediately after an intimate evening or in the middle of a wonderful five-day vacation. As I said above, my experience is that the very worst fights tend to start immediately after (or during) the very best of times. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 (edited) Simple. The attention is off them. They do not wreck their own special days, only yours or in some cases other peoples. Usually it will only be yours though. I found it best never to say anything I was happy about after a while. I was not 'allowed' to be happy unless he thought he had caused my happiness. ETA: Just to note that most abusers don't have a personality disorder of any kind (this can be apparent and obvious when the only people they abuse is their just their partner or close relatives as well), most of them are just abusers. Edited April 16, 2015 by GemmaUK 3 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 ..... ETA: Just to note that most abusers don't have a personality disorder of any kind (this can be apparent and obvious when the only people they abuse is their just their partner or close relatives as well), most of them are just abusers. I really don't know if that's true, or how you can say that with authority (and I'm not challenging you to a bun-fight, I'm genuinely curious, it's a question....) Do you have special access to cases of abuse? is this a proven thing? I'd welcome a response. I have found, in my experience in Counselling that actually often, the reverse is true. Abusers often have a disorder they manage to skilfully secrete from those they do not wish to alert, for the sake of appearances. Both their behaviour AND their disorder is concealed. Furthermore, unless diagnosed then yes, an abuser might be seen as simply an abuser. Maybe there has hitherto not been an official diagnosis. Simply because someone has been declared an abuser, and has not been diagnosed with a disorder, doesn't automatically mean they DON'T have one... Just my twopence.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 They do not wreck their own special days, only yours or in some cases other peoples. Gemma, this may well be true for many abusers, particularly those having strong narcissistic or sociopathic traits. For BPDers, however, that is not my experience. BPDers can feel so engulfed during wonderful intimate occassions -- i.e., during a great vacation or after an intimate evening -- that they will ruin everyone's day, including their own. Most abusers don't have a personality disorder of any kind....With regard to physical abusers, that is not true. The physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with personality disorders (PDs), particularly with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of those physical abusers have a personality disorder -- and half of them have BPD. You can see Roger Melton's summary of those study results at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD. As to verbal and emotional abusers, it may be true that most "don't have a personality disorder," as you say. Keep in mind, however, that personality disorders (PDs) are not something -- like chickenpox -- that one "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, PDs are simply groups of basic human behaviors that everyone has to some degree. This is why they are called "spectrum" disorders. I mention this because -- largely due to pressure from courts and insurance companies -- the psychiatric community set the diagnostic threshold so high that a person has to exhibit severe PD traits in order to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having" a PD. The result is that a spouse satisfying only 80% or 90% of those criteria -- thus "not having" a PD -- may be nearly as impossible to live with as one satisfying 100%. Hence, if you find yourself married to an abusive spouse, you cannot take any comfort in hearing that he was determined to "not have a PD." That simply means he doesn't have a full-blown PD. Significantly, if you are seeing strong and persistent traits of verbal and emotional abuse, you ARE SEEING strong traits of a PD regardless of whether that person satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having a full-blown PD. [Their not having a personality disorder] ...can be apparent and obvious when the only people they abuse is just their partner or close relatives.No, a PD cannot be ruled out when the person abuses only his partner or close relatives. On the contrary, that behavior (i.e., abusing only the loved ones and very close friends) is exactly what most PD sufferers do. Specifically, the vast majority of PD sufferers (i.e., those diagnosed as having a full-blown PD) are high functioning, which means they typically get along very well with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. The reason they behave so well around those folks is that none of them poses a threat to the PD sufferer's great fears. With BPDers, for example, the two great fears are abandonment and engulfment. The casual friends, strangers, and business associates pose no threat to the abandonment fear because there is no close relationship that can be abandoned. Similarly, they pose no threat to the engulfment fear because there is no intimacy to cause the BPDer to feel suffocated and controlled by any of those people. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) My sister is BPD. The night before my wedding, she threatened suicide. The day my husband and I moved into the first house we bought, we needed my parents to watch the kids while we moved the furniture in. My sister tried to kill herself that day, so my parents were at the hospital with her, and couldn't watch our kids. It sounds cold of me to not be sympathetic to her suicide threats/ attempts, but I've dealt with it for decades now and believe the timing is just another way for her to manipulate and control. Edited April 17, 2015 by Quiet Storm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 My sister is BPD. The night before my wedding, she threatened suicide. The day my husband and I moved into the first house we bought, we needed my parents to watch the kids while we moved the furniture in. My sister tried to kill herself that day, so my parents were at the hospital with her, and couldn't watch our kids. It sounds cold of me to not be sympathetic to her suicide threats/ attempts, but I've dealt with it for decades now and believe the timing is just another way for her to manipulate and control. I had a similar experience with this kind of manipulative behaviour... We used to know a woman who was a classic 'Emotional Vampire'. My ex-H and I had not long had our first baby girl, and as any parent knows, babies are extremely time-consuming... she was born in July, and the very first time he and I had a suitable and reasonable opportunity to go out and have a meal, on our own, with no real concerns about doing so, was in December of the same year. This so-called 'friend' was thrilled (apparently) that we had finally found a time to go out on a 'date' together, and we had the chance to enjoy an evening out on our own... she naturally asked what we had planned, where were we going, oh how lovely, heard good things about that restaurant, have a lovely time, all that jazz.... We were barely through the starter course, when one of the waiters approached the table and told us we had a 'phone call (before the days of mobile 'phones!) so I assumed it was the babysitter, because we had left her details of where we were going 'just in case'... No. It was our local hospital, telling us this woman had attempted suicide. She had taken a bottle of aspirin, 5 sleeping tablets and a half-bottle of vodka, and then immediately rung for an ambulance, giving my name as next of kin, and precisely where we were that evening. We were asked to go to the hospital by the doctor on the 'phone, so we did so, and she was groggy, but otherwise, fine. They were able to identify the drugs she took, and the dosage, because everything was still identifiable. The only conclusion they could draw from this was that they reckoned she must actually have called for an ambulance before she took everything. She planned it all, right down to the last detail. I advised the hospital i was NOT the next of kin; this woman (albeit getting a divorce) was still married, and I gave them her husband's details. I left the hospital and I never spoke to her again, despite of repeated attempts on her part. I don't know whether she was actually ever diagnosed with a specific mental disorder, but she could play the victim to a 'T' and was the most extreme EV I have ever come across. She subsequently left the UK, and went to live with her parents, who had retired to Spain, and according to two letters I received from her mother (which I neither acknowledged or replied to) she proceeded to make their lives hell, in the same way. This woman was in her 40's for goodness' sake.... Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I really don't know if that's true, or how you can say that with authority (and I'm not challenging you to a bun-fight, I'm genuinely curious, it's a question....) Do you have special access to cases of abuse? is this a proven thing? I'd welcome a response. It's what I just yesterday reading Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. At the time of writing. Bancroft had at the time of writing taken accounts from over 2000 abusers and their partners. He is a consultant and workshop leader for victims and those in health and counselling professions. Melton appears to be more focused on BPD and how it pans out in a relationship from what I have seen. Is there really a point though in trying to pin an abuser down to having a particular disorder? They're just abusive. I think honestly that if a woman or man sticks around thinking 'my partner has this or that diagnosis' it's giving the abuse another reason to stay and make excuses for behaviour. It could be an incredibly dangerous choice. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted April 18, 2015 Author Share Posted April 18, 2015 (edited) I just couldn't grasp.. A week before he asked me "why are you celebrating anyway?" I told him my family liked to come over even if I didn't celebrate..so I had to have food prepared. Besides, I like my family over, they give me comfort. It's nice to know that they love me. It was the day before my birthday and I was in full preparations for the next day. Running errands and stuff. He tried to pick a fight with me 3 times during th same day. 2 by phone, which I quickly cut off telling him that I wouldn't let him ruin my birthday which was the next day. Then he canceled on celebrating my birthday with me the night before. Even though he had told me so himself, that he would be with be the night before my birthday. I didn't let it get to me. Instead, he went gaming with his best friend. Then the 4th try, he called me, and hung up on me, angry over a something small and stupid. Still didn't succeed. Then after a couple hours he came by and dropped off some groceries he picked up for me, that I had forgotten myself. Things that I needed for my birthday meals. I thought he would just drop them off and leave, since he was going to his best friend's. Instead he INSISTED on talking. Now here's the thing: he can't talk. Talking with him means listening to him talking and accusing for an hour on end. Whenever I try to explain, or give my opinion, the voice will be raised. So I just quietly listen. And then after all he says: This is talking to you, you never talk back. Even though he KNOWS HE will escalate and get into a rage if I talk back. Anyways, knowing this, I told him I didn't want to talk that day. Not the day before my birthday. IMPOSSIBLE. He had to sit down and talk to me, because "I never want to talk to him," so he had his way. At the end of his tirade i just got up and told him I want you to leave. He had what he wanted. He knew I would be down still with my family around the next day, if he didn't call and apologise for his weird behaviour. Guess what? he didn't even call to congratulate me. In the afternoon of my birthday he asked me what I was doing and then in the evening asked me how it went... How obvious can a person be? So glad that it's over. I never ever will tolerate a partner like this again. A true wolf in sheep's clothing. Edited April 18, 2015 by SerCay Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Did you get rid of him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SerCay Posted April 18, 2015 Author Share Posted April 18, 2015 Yes!! It was hard as I was addicted... hard and much too late. But yes it has been over now for months. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Oh - thank god. I was mourning over you being in the middle of that lol. Congratulations for seeing it for what it was and taking the action to resolve it. I love happy endings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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