He still doesn't want to get married and I start wondering if we ever will

[xxoo]

If I'm not the one for him he could just tell me, I even asked him if I am and he said I absolutely am. It doesn't make sense.

 

Actions over words.

 

If he wants you to stay, but doesn't truly feel certain you are "the one", do you really expect him to be straight up and tell you that? He'd lose you immediately.

[beach]

I agree the vacation should still be able to be fun. Take it as it comes and enjoy your time away.

 

Clear your mind and set out a plan for yourself. One that includes mapping out your move - and start dating after that - making it clear that you intend to date men who are willing to consider marriage in the next year or so.

[Mr. Lucky]

He even seems pissed all the time and I don't understand why. Any idea?

 

You're threatening to mess up what has been a perfect set-up for him - all the benefits of a serious relationships with out any of the (in his mind) downsides commitment brings. That he's angry rather than proactive should tell you whatever is left you need to know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

We just talked again. He was the one who offered to talk, but seemed very uncomfortable all the time and didn't seem to like the topic at all. I asked him straight if I'm the one for him and if he sees us together in 30 years. He said yes, and argued again with the house, that this is a big commitment and that it should show me that he's sure about me. He also says that he just doesn't understand the concept of marriage or why it is important. I told him that for me it's a bigger commitment than buying a house and that you show to the world that you're taken and not 'leave the door open' to be able to leave anytime you want. He said you can also be married and just leave and that this happens all the time. I said I know, but that this is not how it's supposed to be. He also mentioned (without me even bringing it up) that he's not ready for kids and he doesn't know when he will be (he said he will be, but he doesn't know when). I said that's ok, since I haven't been planning on having a child in the next three years anyway. But he doesn't even know if he wants one in three years.

 

I told him that I need an answer, if he wants to get married or not. He then said yes, but he needs more time. I asked how much time and he said he doesn't know (again). I told him I need a timeline and not a 'Yes, but I don't know when'. He then said okay, I will think about it and let you know. By the way, I also asked him straight forward if it's about ME and the relationship and he said definitely not.

 

 

In general I'm okay with giving someone more time, but to me it really seems like he's scared of that commitment or he just doesn't want it. I don't want to stick around and wait maybe another ten years. I just don't understand why he is like this.

 

I couldn't help but cringe when I read this. Honey it almost sounds like you are begging this guy to marry you. If a man gave a hint that he didn't want to marry me that would be the end of any conversation I had with him about marriage. When a man is not the one begging you to marry him it just doesn't feel right, to me.

[beach]

If you don't want to go on vacation with him - you could offer to have one of his friends buy you out... And you get time off and money if you do it that way.

[Cressida]

Missblue, I think you are right in everything you said so far, and I also think you shouldn't blame yourself.

 

If he told you that it isn't you who's causing him this fear of commitment, then you should believe him. There's no reason for you to think otherwise. If there were something wrong with you in the relationship, he would have made it clear before, and he would have used his moving to another city as an excuse to finish your relationship.

 

In my opinion, it was wrong that you moved in with him and then relocated to another city without any sort of commitment (engagement or marriage).

 

The things he said, with how you two fight- I think that's just a bit of lying from his part. If it was such a big deal to him, he wouldn't have continued being with you. He wouldn't have introduced you to his family and friends. It's not like you two fight for important things or that he sees red flags in it- you put him down, you attack him, etc.

 

Contrary to our belief (as women), living together with a man will only delay marriage/engagement and will help a situation of comfort to settle in, to further demotivate the man from actually getting married. We usually think that moving in together is a sign that things are serious, that he'll get the chance to see how good we are for each other and that it'll make him realize that marriage is the next, normal step.

 

I agree with the 'buying the cow' theory- he already has everything from you, so to speak, all the advantages and perks of a serious, committed relationship (partnership, support, steady sex, etc) without the 'costs' of true commitment (financial dependency if necessary, legal commitment, consequences if a divorce happens, children, a family etc.). There simply isn't any incentive for him to get married now that you two are already settled in and he's getting everything with no major investment.

 

I also think he is extremely selfish as a man and human being, at least towards you. He moved to another city and you followed him without any commitment, he isn't ready for marriage, he isn't ready for a commitment, but wants to buy property in both your names. Like it's all about him, his wants, his needs and his desires. Yours don't really seem to matter. Correct me if I'm wrong, you mentioned that throughout your relationship/at some point you guys discussed on having children and he agreed, now he says he isn't ready for that. This is strange, it looks like cake-eating- he has a steady partner to be there for him and his needs but won't consider that partner's own desires.

 

You're not a kept woman, you don't have wild fantasies about ludicrous huge-ass weddings that in this economy, can lead to financial ruin- you sound like a grounded, mature adult who isn't actually causing any trouble, on the contrary. I sincerely don't understand what his problem is, but whatever that may be, you need to get out as soon as possible.

 

This man might love you, but he loves himself more. If you keep staying with him you'll waste your most eligible years trying to 'prove' him that you're the one, and he might never come around. Do you really want to risk that? If you want to have a family and be a wife, a mother, have a normal future, you're risking becoming the oldest woman in the bar, like they say, because of this man's indecisiveness. All this time together should have given him some ideas about how you two will grow up together in the future. He wants financial commitment but isn't ready for the personal one. Big red flag. Run.

 

This wishy-washy-ness with ' I don't know when I'll be ready' is just bullcrap. I don't want to hurt your feelings as I can imagine how upsetting this must be (I went through a similar thing with a guy a few years ago), but the important thing is that you're a person who needs to be appreciated by a man who shares the same views and desires.

 

If you walk away now, there's also a chance he might truly be confused and this whole thing will give him enough time to reflect and reconsider his position.

 

Don't sacrifice what you want for someone who doesn't even know what they want and is willing to put that above anything. It is simply deeply unfair.

 

Please let us know how your trip went and if he said anything else. Best of luck

[beach]

You know what you want

 

You've stated exactly what you want

 

He isn't at that place where he wants that, yet

 

Since you both have a clear understanding that you don't want the same things for now - it looks like it's time for you to accept that about the differences and go get what you want from someone else, someone who wants what you want.

 

He's not that guy. He may be great but he doesn't want what you want.

[oldshirt]

 

And the reason why I'm with him even though we seem to have different expectations is that I didn't really know we do.

 

One of the primary reasons we date is get to know the other person to see if they have the same values, objectives and life goals as us.

 

Dating is a noncommitted interview and probationary process to see if the other person is on the same page as us.

 

If the answer is yes, then they move forward with their lives together.

 

If the answer is no, then either party is free to end the interview and probationary process and continue on their way to seeking their goals.

 

You guys dated, got to know each other and you have found out that your values and goals on marriage and family etc are significantly different. You are not only perfectly justified in stopping this arrangement, but it is counterproductive to you not to do so.

[Diezel]

True. I shouldn't even have to bring it up again. I just think three years is enough time for a 31 years old man to decide if he wants to get married, isn't it?

 

He already decided.

You just haven't realized it yet and keep asking the same question over and over again. Now if he proposes, it'll never be out of love, it'll be because you want him to or he has to meet your deadline.

 

You aren't being unfair in wanting what you want, but the point is lost by now. The relationship has become a stalemate and borderline blackmail.

[LadyLee]

Omg Missblue, we are in similar situations! I've been with an almost 42 year old (I'm almost 40) for almost 4 yrs- 2 of which are long distance due to work. We r both divorcees with children. Mine live with me and his live with the mother. We live four hours apart and he comes home every single weekend!? He is invested in the children, he bought my oldest daughter's prom dress this year, pays random bills etc, we know each other's families- HE PROPOSED ON BENDED KNEE a yr ago! But will not set a date!? Like you I lowered expectations, put pressure on etc. my job wants to relocate me next year. After having many uncomfortable conversations I broke up with him two weeks ago. He took off work and immediately came to spend the week here trying to repair our relationship. I didn't expect this!? It was emotional and he wants me to have patience. I caved because I still love him desperately and don't understand his commitment level. Yet the need to string me along? He says he really wants to marry just not while we live apart. That he needs more time but can't really give me a true timeline. So the engagement remains broken. This has made him somewhat insecure. I don't know what I'm trying to tell you.

I did tell him that if we hadn't gotten it together by the end of the year that I was taking the other job. I just can't see following him, with my kids in tow if he is unsure of us. Please let me know how your situation turns out. Hang in there!