In and out of my life

[mya20]

Hi...I am new here and I apologize ahead of time if I break any rules or don't understand some of the lingo. I didn't even know this site existed until I felt a little lost and started googling. I need a little advice.

 

I am married having an affair with a married man. We have both been married 20 years. We both love our spouses (I know...bizarre) but are obviously missing something in our relationships.

 

I have been seeing him for a year. He is very honest with me and doesn't make promises he can't keep. Neither one of us is ending our marriage. I think we both ended up liking each other more than we expected. We see each other about once a week and have a beyond amazing sexual relationship. We have become very close friends.

 

What's my problem, you might ask? He has a lake home about four hours away and he goes their often for long weekends. He usually goes fishing with the guys but occasionally will go with his wife though she doesn't often want to go. My problem is when he does go...I don't hear from him for the 3 or 4 or 5 days he is gone. He may rarely e-mail me but usually he doesn't. Obviously, when he is with his wife I know he can't. When he is with friends, it's just his guy time and I try to accept this. I am used to hearing from him daily so when he goes it is like withdrawal and I feel a little lost.

 

I know that sounds so juvenile and clingy but it just sucks and I try to keep busy and not think about him but it is very difficult. I just really start to miss him. If I get upset about him not contacting me, he will get very worried that I am getting too attached....I guess that's a big duh. I guess maybe I am.

 

Maybe I don't need advice...maybe I just needed to vent a little to people who would understand. I am not unhappy with my situation. He is a great source of fun in my life. I just hate the coming in and out of his life. It sucks sometimes. Thanks for listening....

Edited April 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs~T

[beach]

Welcome.

 

Why don't you read around the forums and educate yourself on what to expect...

 

It could go a number of ways:

 

Affair goes on another 5-10-30 years = Other man/Other woman section.

 

Your husband finds out = try the infidelity section.

 

Your husband throws you out = try the separation and divorce section.

 

 

 

Those areas may give you ideas about what to expect from the situation you're in.

 

 

And of course you're not unhappy = you have both ends covered... For now.

[Popsicle]

Go on some weekend trips with your husband and/or friends, as well?

 

That's all I've got.

[jbrent890]

Go on some weekend trips with your husband and/or friends, as well?

 

That's all I've got.

 

That's not going to change anything. The fact is she has more emotional energy invested in this guy then she does her own husband (that's sad). Her only hope is to end this, but I don't see her doing that anytime soon. IMO, this only ends one way, with her getting caught.

[jwi71]

Part of being in an A is these periods of "forced blackouts" - aka no communication.

 

You are going to have resign yourself to these and find some way of coping. Its part and parcel of an A.

 

I'll leave the specifics of it to you.

 

To go a step further...if this is how the A is affecting you (negatively) perhaps consider a healthy alternative to filling the perceived holes in your life. A's do not often IMPROVE one's life - the negatives tend to outweigh whatever benefit is gained. Witness you NOW.

[MuddyRock]

Is there really something missing from your marriage? Really? Seems the only thing missing is the ego stroking your om gives you. Is it worth doing this to someone you say you love?

[DKT3]

Is there really something missing from your marriage? Really? Seems the only thing missing is the ego stroking your om gives you. Is it worth doing this to someone you say you love?

 

What missing in her marriage is her.

[Grapesofwrath]

Part of being in an A is these periods of "forced blackouts" - aka no communication.

 

You are going to have resign yourself to these and find some way of coping. Its part and parcel of an A.

 

 

This is the truth. This is part of being in an A. The issue here is that he is controlling the blackouts. He says when, and he says for how long. That's the difficult part for you. If you were the one who had to go MIA, it wouldn't seem like such a big deal. It feels lousy, though, when you're on the receiving end. Feels like you are a toy that has been put on the shelf until the boy is ready to play with you again.

 

This is how affairs work. If you want to continue this relationship, you'll need to figure out a way to get comfortable with it.

[beach]

Do you work?

[Poppy47]

I put the limits on the contact I have with MM. If I don't he will text every time he blinks. It drives me mental.

 

Don't you have activities with your family and friends when you don't contact him?

 

Try to get more involved in the moment. Enjoy doing whatever it is you are doing and stop mooning around over MM.

 

Best thing to do is get out of the A now before it wrecks you and you family.

 

Poppy.

[gettingstronger]

Be careful- it was just this that drove our OW over the edge- we have a ski house and weekends and holidays are spent there- she swore they were both in it for fun-until of course, she looked at my FB page and saw our family pictures of our two week winter holiday and broke-its been over 2 years of crazy from her- don't put yourself in a position to say you can handle something you can not-

[sandylee1]

Your feelings of lack of contact are part of an affair. Even though he's with the guys he clearly doesn't want to arise suspicion. If his friends find out, it could get back to his wife and blow his (and your) world apart. It's just not worth the risk and he's probably having such a good time, your not on his mind. Looks like you are more emotionally invested in the affair than he is, otherwise you'd be glad to have a few days without having to read his messages or take calls on the sly.

 

The blowing his world apart could look like this :

 

- Divorce

- Seeing the wife he 'loves' devastated potentially leading to ill

Health

- Huge loss of income money

- Damaged relationship with children and other family members

- Damage to his reputation

- Possible loss of job /damage to business

 

The list is endless really and all the same things apply to you. Everyone in affairs thinks they won't ever get caught and indeed not everyone does, but they live a double life.

[mya20]

Thank you to all who replied constructively, especially the men who gave their point of view which was honest and I really already knew because he has told me himself but sometimes it's just difficult because, YES, he obviously means more to me. I think that's established. Yes I work and I have friends and I enjoy my family but I have amazing fun with him. I know, I need to deal with it and not be clingy and push him away. I needed to hear that but not in a mean or derogatory way. I do not want him to get caught or to hurt his family nor mine though both of our spouses are not completely in the dark. Some spouses choose to look the other way. I am not missing from my marriage. To the person who made that comment? Why are you on this site? I am obviously having an affair because there is a physical void in my marriage. I am happy with the affair and my marriage as us he. Maybe I am his toy. He says he has been waiting for me for 10 years but we both are there for this incredibly amazing sexual experience that we obviously were missing. Maybe he is my toy too. I just happen to miss him more when he is gone. I agree he is having a good time with the guys and probably isn't thinking about me. Does that bother me? Of course. I guess that's why I though here I would find a sympathetic ear. No way. Nobody here wants to commiserate. It's almost like a jury. Anyway. Thanks to the people who who honest but kind.

[jbrent890]

If what you say is true, then why not allow your husband to find the same with someone else as well. I'm not saying set him free, but maybe open up the marriage. Im not trying to be mean, but your answer will help me understand your mindset. Also, do you really believe that your husband is choosing to look the other way. I'm honestly thinking that is something you are telling yourself to help you feel better about this. If I was a betting man, I would say that your husband may have his suspicions, but is ignoring them not because he doesn't want to know, but because he trusts you and believes that you would never do that.

[DKT3]

Thank you to all who replied constructively, especially the men who gave their point of view which was honest and I really already knew because he has told me himself but sometimes it's just difficult because, YES, he obviously means more to me. I think that's established. Yes I work and I have friends and I enjoy my family but I have amazing fun with him. I know, I need to deal with it and not be clingy and push him away. I needed to hear that but not in a mean or derogatory way. I do not want him to get caught or to hurt his family nor mine though both of our spouses are not completely in the dark. Some spouses choose to look the other way. I am not missing from my marriage. To the person who made that comment? Why are you on this site? I am obviously having an affair because there is a physical void in my marriage. I am happy with the affair and my marriage as us he. Maybe I am his toy. He says he has been waiting for me for 10 years but we both are there for this incredibly amazing sexual experience that we obviously were missing. Maybe he is my toy too. I just happen to miss him more when he is gone. I agree he is having a good time with the guys and probably isn't thinking about me. Does that bother me? Of course. I guess that's why I though here I would find a sympathetic ear. No way. Nobody here wants to commiserate. It's almost like a jury. Anyway. Thanks to the people who who honest but kind.

 

In your two posts you've made something really clear and you may not even be aware of. You have replaced your husband with the MM. Its in the way you write, for example the way you say I don't want to hurt his family then in almost a "oh by the way" manner mine either.

 

Marriages don't cause affairs, so your not in the affair because something was missing there. Your in the affair because something is missing in you.

 

I'm not saying you have a great marriage or even a good one (which clearly you don't ), what I'm saying is there are so many better options in dealing with the void, you simply did the worst thing possible.

 

Betrayed spouses taking a blind eye has more to do with wanting to believe that you would never do something like this and not in some twisted way giving you the OK.

 

Lastly this isn't some hot sex escape, your in too deep and in short order it will absolutely kill your marriage. Your total lack of empathy and guilt will ensure that.

[Rainbowlove]

He is a great source of fun in my life.

 

What happens to you when the fun ends?

 

What happens to your husband when the fun ends?

 

What happens to the MM when the fun ends?

 

What happens to MM's wife and family when the fun ends?

 

It will end. Then what?

 

You can't handle the breaks from him now, the no contact drives you crazy when it's only 4-5 days...

 

What happens when it's over forever?

[jbrent890]

What happens to you when the fun ends?

 

What happens to your husband when the fun ends?

 

What happens to the MM when the fun ends?

 

What happens to MM's wife and family when the fun ends?

 

It will end. Then what?

 

You can't handle the breaks from him now, the no contact drives you crazy when it's only 4-5 days...

 

What happens when it's over forever?

 

All excellent questions and I will further this by asking how long do you expect this to last? Is this an affair that you hope to keep going for years to come. If that's the case, I really do suggest you let your husband go. Also, keep in mind the longer this lasts, the greater chance you stand of getting caught. I'm sorry to say that I don't for a second believe that your husband is choosing to ignore this because he is okay with this. One of these days he is going to follow his gut and start investigating things. If you don't believe me, then read a few of the latest threads in the infedility section. There have been a few husbands as of late that followed their guts and found out that there wives were cheating. Two come to mind and both have chosen to divorce their wives.

[GoldieLox]

You're basically around for him when he wants you, on his terms. Welcome to having an affair. You're going to be bottom on the list below his wife, his kids, his home, his job, his truck, his snow blower, his family dog... if you can't handle it, you need to get out of it, and quickly.

 

Most of the replies here are not meant to be harsh, they just sound that way because we've been through it, lived it, and are now dealing with repercussions of it either to ourselves, marriages, or both.

[beach]

He goes silent when he's away...

 

It may be his way of keeping you at a distance during that time.

 

He's training you to expect less... Or to leave him alone when he's there.

 

 

Is it possible he sees another OW while he is there?

 

I doubt folks here are going to cheer you on - for what you're doing. It's that you should expect different perspectives and experiences to take in. Food for thought, ya know?

[mya20]

Empathy? Guilt? Really? I'm sorry...I thought I was on an affair site...not a you will me judged for having an affair site. The truth is he is in a somewhat open marriage. I would not mind if my husband decide to have an affair. I am not against it. Do I believe he really doesn't mind? You are right...I don't know. He may just trust me and he is very good to me in no questioning what I do though he has said in the past he prefers to ask no questions because he would rather not know the answers. To the person who asked how long I expected it to last....you are right. I don't expect it to last forever and if I can't deal with not hearing from him for 5 days it is going to be hard when it is over. Me and him have talked about that. Everything you say is valid and I joke about it with him but we both know that it can end at anytime and acknowledge it will be painful. We try to just enjoy our time together and live in the moment. I really just wrote on here to vent a little. I understand he goes away and I know he will use that time to give us a break and time to miss each other as well like somebody else said. We have discussed that. A part of me is totally rational about it and another part misses the friendship I have with him. To the person who said he took the place of my husband...only in a the areas that my husband is lacking. To everyone who is in such a frenzy over the getting caught aspect. I had an affair for seven years with a divorced man before this current one who wanted me to divorce my husband and I had to break it off because I didn't want to leave my husband. Nobody found out anything. Please don't preach to me about guilt, empathy or what's missing from "pathetic life" Trust me...my husband isn't sitting at home singing the blues. I appreciate the comments and understand some of you have been there and obviously have been burnt and hurt and beyond and I am sorry but where is there a forum where people are going through it and happy and just want to talk and maybe get a little positive advice. I don't need anybody to cheer me on. I know what I am doing isn't societally correct but again this is an affair forum.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi Mya20,

 

Actually it's been awhile since I have read a single post here with as many contradictions as your last one. I think (kindly) that you are in some serious self-denial.

 

I guess that's why I though here I would find a sympathetic ear. No way. Nobody here wants to commiserate. It's almost like a jury. Anyway. Thanks to the people who who honest but kind.

 

By 'kind' I think you mean 'agrees with you'. When you are in something this deep emotionally, you do not want to hear people tell you anything other than what you find agreeable. That is because you don't want to do the hard work of really looking at why you find this situation acceptable (except you don't... but you do... you said both things in your post within a few sentences of each other).

 

Regarding the communication push-pull, that is a control thing. It is also a measure of the level of emotional attachment that he has to you. You don't really 'miss' talking to him during these times; your problem is that you (correctly) interpret this as him not thinking about you during this time - him prioritizing other things and other people. If you complain to him about it, you will find yourself in a vicious cycle of complaining >>> more silence >>> still more complaining >>> still more silence. I suggest taking your own control of the situation by taking Popsicle's advice and giving him a few days of radio silence while YOU do your own thing. You might not like it, but at least that will level the playing field.

 

I am obviously having an affair because there is a physical void in my marriage. I am happy with the affair and my marriage as us he.

 

Huh??? Re-read those 2 sentences. You say there is a 'physical void' in your marriage (do you mean sex?) and then you say you are happy in the affair and your marriage. And then after that you say you're not happy in the affair because you are more emotionally invested. And then you say that the affair is just about fun. Do you see all those inconsistencies?

 

As for your spouse 'choosing to look the other way', there are really 3 possible reasons. 1) He is also having an affair; 2) He is in denial about your affair; or 3) He doesn't care. None of those have anything to do with a good marriage.

 

I am not missing from my marriage. To the person who made that comment? Why are you on this site?

 

The person who said that is a BS (betrayed spouse) and I am an ex-OW (other woman) so perhaps it will sound more acceptable coming from me. Hopefully he won't mind if I borrow that spot-on quote, but you are most definitely missing in your marriage. Your emotional energy is elsewhere. You are there physically (when you are not with MM), but that's it. Do you really not see that?

 

The comments here aren't harsh or derogatory. They are coming from people who have been where you are and are now living the repercussions after it blows up (and it does blow up; expect it). We are all just living it from the different perspectives. If you can be strong enough to open your mind enough to hear what is being said to you, you can potentially avoid a great deal of hurt to many people. I highly recommend it.

[DKT3]

Well you got it all figured out, a serial cheater who believes her husband is ok with it. You clearly don't need our help.

 

Good luck to you, I'm out.

[Rainbowlove]

Well you got it all figured out, a serial cheater who believes her husband is ok with it. You clearly don't need our help.

 

Good luck to you, I'm out.

 

Ditto.

 

Best of luck to you.

[GoldieLox]

If this guy is in a "somewhat open marriage", what gives? Why can't he just contact you when he's wife his wife? Open marriages mean the other spouse is aware of the third party.

 

You had an affair for seven years before this current one? While married to your husband? OP, I pose this question not out of snark, but out of general curiosity... you said your husband "doesn't ask questions and doesn't want to know answers". So if you told him about the affairs you've had, he just wouldn't mind? There are other ways to fixing problems in a marriage than having an affair. There are other ways to fix what's missing in you. If you want to continue on with what you're doing, that's your prerogative, but I don't think you're seeing the bigger picture here.

[mya20]

I don't mind people disagreeing with me and I don't mind people telling me I am in denial or asking me questions or trying to make me see things that I can't seem to see for myself but it does not have to be done in a way that attacks my character or makes it sound like I am a horrible person or that I should feel guilty because I am CHEATING on on my husband. When I said my marriage was lacking physically, yes I met sexually. We don't have sex and I got tired of initiating sex. He is very vanilla I am not. All of this is water under the bridge because it has been so long. Yes, you are right...he can be having an affair...he can be in denial or he can very well not give a s***. You are also right when you say I contradict myself by saying I am happy in my marriage but I am having an affair. Do you know how many people I hear say that? I am happy with my husband...I do not want to leave him. Sex is what is missing and I found that with my OM. That was obviously missing in his marriage as well. Yes, I do get a bit sad when I am missing OM but I am 99% happy because of my relationship with him. I get it that I am a toy and so is he and I need to chill and I basically was just looking for some friendly reminders. I think I found the wrong forum. It certainly is interesting and I cannot wait to show him all of these posts. I can't wait to show my OM all of this. I think he will find it fascinating. So yes, I can understand it sounding ridiculous with all the contradictions but again, I was just looking for some honest but not mean-spirited input. No, everybody doesn't have to agree with me, but I thought we would all be on the same page here because it is an other man, other woman forum not an "I used to be and now I am scorned forum"