In and out of my life

[Hope Shimmers]

Empathy? Guilt? Really? I'm sorry...I thought I was on an affair site...not a you will me judged for having an affair site. The truth is he is in a somewhat open marriage. I would not mind if my husband decide to have an affair. I am not against it. Do I believe he really doesn't mind? You are right...I don't know. He may just trust me and he is very good to me in no questioning what I do though he has said in the past he prefers to ask no questions because he would rather not know the answers. To the person who asked how long I expected it to last....you are right. I don't expect it to last forever and if I can't deal with not hearing from him for 5 days it is going to be hard when it is over. Me and him have talked about that. Everything you say is valid and I joke about it with him but we both know that it can end at anytime and acknowledge it will be painful. We try to just enjoy our time together and live in the moment. I really just wrote on here to vent a little. I understand he goes away and I know he will use that time to give us a break and time to miss each other as well like somebody else said. We have discussed that. A part of me is totally rational about it and another part misses the friendship I have with him. To the person who said he took the place of my husband...only in a the areas that my husband is lacking. To everyone who is in such a frenzy over the getting caught aspect. I had an affair for seven years with a divorced man before this current one who wanted me to divorce my husband and I had to break it off because I didn't want to leave my husband. Nobody found out anything. Please don't preach to me about guilt, empathy or what's missing from "pathetic life" Trust me...my husband isn't sitting at home singing the blues. I appreciate the comments and understand some of you have been there and obviously have been burnt and hurt and beyond and I am sorry but where is there a forum where people are going through it and happy and just want to talk and maybe get a little positive advice. I don't need anybody to cheer me on. I know what I am doing isn't societally correct but again this is an affair forum.

 

Wow.

 

By the way, the term "somewhat open marriage" is an oxymoron.

[Ronnie33]

It's not that we are scorned, it that we have been thru it and are either currently going through the hell it takes to end it. It's one of the hardest things to do because it is an addiction of the mind and it feels like hell when it ends and it always ends. Could be a year, 5 or longer but it will end at some point.

 

We are just trying to give you advice that the longer it goes the worse it gets and to be honest with yourself that you are in this for more then the physical aspect. You have feelings for him which is totally understandable but this is an affair and he has been honest. You either have to accept it or move on if you can't handle it. I was married when mine started and mine started very emotional for about a year before turning physical. I have ended it because I can't do it anymore. I want more and it will never be more and I could not handle it anymore. The affair took away my self esteem an self respect and in the end I chose to get myself back.

 

If you accept it then this is how it will continue but that's what being an OW is.

 

I know the passion is hard to walk away from but for me the passion wasn't enough anymore.

[jbrent890]

I really haven't seen anyone be mean to you here. There simply stating there observations. It is rare that you will find a site that helps you feel better about having an affair. The simple fact of the matter is that they are not healthy. And that goes for everyone involved, even the people not directly in them such as your husband and his wife. IMO, I think you are in desperate need of therapy. I hate to break this to you, but if this is your second affair in recent years, the problem isn't in your marriage, but with you. It appears that you can't handle being married without being in an affair. I don't think this is what your husband signed up for when he decided he wanted to marry you. Sooner or later you are going to come to the realization that your husband deserves better and it's going to hit like a ton of bricks. If you don't come to this realization, then I'm sorry to say that says something about you. Lastly, you are going to have to get over about being judged. People,are judged everyday for their actions. It's how we as human beings protect ourselves from other people. Not to mention, I think you have been judging your husband for years. You examined him and judged the fact that he doesn't deserve your fidelity. Doesn't seem fair does it?

[Chasing_mya]

Mya20, be prepared for many more days & nights of him going MIA for days. Its the nature of your affair and he's not going to change. If he gets a feeling that you get anxious when he's no contact he will draw some distance between you both. He wants his space and if he feels that's in jeopardy he will cut you off. If he's a source of fun in your life you have to leave it at that. If you can't deal with it than you should consider leaving the situation.

[mya20]

Okay. Thank you everyone. Ronnie33...obviously you have been in my shoes and I do try to block out that "small" fact that I have become emotionally attached more than I care to admit, more than I ever wanted, more than he is though I think it is more than he expected as well. Yeah it is a fun passionate little fling that we share and we enjoy each week but we both admit it will end and there will be pain, mostly mine. Stupidly, I block this out. Why? I don't know. Because I am filling that void. I am not a horrible person to my husband. I know it sounds like that but theres so much more to it. I understand where some of you are coming from. Some of the comments are a little uncalled for but it's okay. I am taking it all in. If you want to judge me that's fine. I've obviously done enough in my life that I don't feel right judging others. I know nothing good comes from having an affair. I just wanted a place where I wouldn't be condemned but I guess there is no such place like you said. LOL. Thanks all.

[mya20]

Mya20, be prepared for many more days & nights of him going MIA for days. Its the nature of your affair and he's not going to change. If he gets a feeling that you get anxious when he's no contact he will draw some distance between you both. He wants his space and if he feels that's in jeopardy he will cut you off. If he's a source of fun in your life you have to leave it at that. If you can't deal with it than you should consider leaving the situation.

 

Thank you for this. I know this is true. I just need it reinforced (okay, maybe pounded) into my head. Again...thanks.

[lostinlust80]

Hi @mya20 - seems like a lot of people here have forgotten what its like to be in the middle of the affair fog. No judgments from me - I can relate to your situation. I don't have an answer for you, but I know once my xAP started playing the hot/cold-push/pull game again, I bowed out for my own sanity. It's not good for anyone's mental health to obsess and constantly be waiting by the phone. Some people may say he's busy, or he's trying to put distance, but I'm skeptical (or negative - take your pick) and sadly, I believe the bottom line is that these men are not into us emotionally as much as we are into them

[mya20]

Affair fog... How appropriate. LOL. I don't want to agree with you but sadly I do. I fell much harder for him than I thought I would. I have good intentions to just cut it off before he does it and breaks my heart in pieces but of course that's easier said than done. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. And as you described so knowingly... The push/pull etc...relationship is so spectacular when he wants to spend a night with me. People (even some of his friends) see us and think he's in love. I know better but it sure feels like it until he disappears again. I know there really aren't any answers but thank you so much for your thoughtful honesty.

[Cali408]

Mya, sometimes you fall harder for someone when you don't get them everyday vs. talking every day. The tease of not hearing from him for a few days, leads to insecurity, but also excitement. The when will I hear from him? and when you do, the anticipation and suspense can be intoxicating.

 

I'm not here to tell you what to do or judge your life. You want to hear from him all the time, you're attached.

[jbrent890]

Hi @mya20 - seems like a lot of people here have forgotten what its like to be in the middle of the affair fog. No judgments from me - I can relate to your situation. I don't have an answer for you, but I know once my xAP started playing the hot/cold-push/pull game again, I bowed out for my own sanity. It's not good for anyone's mental health to obsess and constantly be waiting by the phone. Some people may say he's busy, or he's trying to put distance, but I'm skeptical (or negative - take your pick) and sadly, I believe the bottom line is that these men are not into us emotionally as much as we are into them

 

But at this point can you honestly call this fog. If fog exists (personally I don't think it does), it would entail that the person who was in it was presenting behaviors that weren't characteristic of the norm. This is her second affair, with the first lasting seven years. Essentially she has been cheating on her husband for half of her marriage. This isn't fog, this is pathological. Sadly, this just might be who she is, which is why I suggested she get into therapy. Feel free to disagree, but it is not normal or healthy to lie to someone you say that you love for this amount of time.

[Minnie09]

But at this point can you honestly call this fog. If fog exists (personally I don't think it does), it would entail that the person who was in it was presenting behaviors that weren't characteristic of the norm. This is her second affair, with the first lasting seven years. Essentially she has been cheating on her husband for half of her marriage. This isn't fog, this is pathological. Sadly, this just might be who she is, which is why I suggested she get into therapy. Feel free to disagree, but it is not normal or healthy to lie to someone you say that you love for this amount of time.

 

But op said above that 1) there's no physical intimacy between her and her H, and 2) that he's okay with her looking elsewhere and/or not knowing many details about her extramarital activities. So that's their deal. Neither of them want a D, so who are you to say they need therapy? It's their lifestyle, and they know what they're doing, apparently.

 

The fact that she's more attached to AP than he's to her, is a problem, though. It's going to be a power/balance struggle for as long as the A continues. Try to get some leverage, if possible - by not being available etc. I'm personally not into game-playing, id rather speak my mind, in any relationship, but sometimes it's the way to go, in order to achieve what you want to achieve - which is a balance within the scope of your current A.

[jwi71]

I know there really aren't any answers....

 

But there ARE answers to your questions.

You simply have to look.

 

Real question.

 

If you do not care if your H has an A why not sit him down and open up the M?

 

It seems awfully unfair that you get to play and he doesn't. This would alleviate a great many concerns and give you his (your H's) shoulder to cry on and seek support from while your OM is "Away". It would also eliminate any sneaking that may be involved. In fact, you could even help him find a GF on the side too.

 

There are certainly many valid and healthy (read happy) open M's. Perhaps you should consider that. I can see many benefits for you - and your H even.

[mya20]

I am not into game playing either but I agree with Minnie09, I have to get some leverage and I have spoken to my OM about this...it's not that I haven't but I think if I disappear for a few days or so with no contact, it makes him feel more comfortable. I have done that...I just don't enjoy it. I do feel it works though.

 

jwi71...I would love to try and sit him down a propose that but he is very vanilla and I think he might have me committed...LOL. I would not be opposed to an open marriage. I am not making this up...I think if I proposed it he actually might say..."you do what you want...I'm good." I know that sounds bizarre...but you have to know him. He is my room mate. Maybe he would shock me and say "okay" and that would be fine. I have not ruled out your suggestion at all.

 

I know some of you are hating on me because of my betrayal to my husband and I can understand that but I am not on here to discuss any issue with my husband really. He is happy being my room mate. I told him if he didn't give me affection, I would seek it elsewhere and he said "I'm sure you will" That was several years ago. He asks me no questions when I go out every weekend. He is not angry at me. Maybe he is having an affair....and that's fine.

 

Like it was stated...my issue isn't with my husband...it is with my AP and the fact that I am more attached to him. I will say this. He is away this weekend. He left today and I am bracing myself for a long weekend and I was feeling very anxious and sorry for myself but just being on here and listening to SOME of you actually made me feel much better. I think I am going to be just fine. At first, I was very disappointed but most of you have been very helpful and I thank you very much.

[Poppy47]

Mya,

 

It has been a long time since I have encountered a truly mean spirited poster here. Everyone brings a unique point of view to the discussion.

 

Read the very first post on the forum "Am I posting in the right forum?" by Stephanie. William, the moderator has replied, setting out the guidlines for discussion here. He will quickly and fairly remove any post which he deems to have breached the rules.

 

As he wrote "Support does not always come in the form of advocacy"

 

Glad to hear you are feeling better and keep posting.

 

Poppy

[Hope Shimmers]

I was feeling very anxious and sorry for myself but just being on here and listening to SOME of you actually made me feel much better.

 

With all due respect, I would ask that you reconsider the repeated insinuations that some of the posters here are trying to do something other than help you. You may not appreciate all the responses, but then just move on rather than point out over and over that you feel judged.

 

I only speak for myself, but I assume others here might feel the same way in that I am not interested in what you think of me. However, I and every single other poster to this thread took time out their day to reply to you. None of us can know what posters will find helpful and what they won't. However, even though the primary goal is to help you if possible with your questions, I also keep in mind that for every person here that starts a thread, there are hundreds of others who could be reading that thread and might find that something resonates to them.

 

As for judging, that happens every time someone replies to a post. It requires reading/assessing the post in context with individual experiences and then saying "I think ___" or "I suggest that you do ___". In that sense, every reply is a judgment, even the ones you liked better towards the latter part of your thread, and that you replied to in a much friendlier tone.

 

It is judging actions and a situation, not judging you as an individual. To become defensive about that implies to me that there are things about yourself that you want to change and know aren't the way they should be.

 

For what it's worth, I have been in your shoes (from an emotional perspective - I am single) but I have come out the other side. Over the years here it continues to amaze me how much members here who are on the other side of the coin have taught me about self-respect, empathy, loyalty, kindness, and self-love. I am a much better person because of this site and because of some of those posts that I didn't "want" to hear.

 

Having said that, I'm out. I wish you the best.

[mya20]

With all due respect Hope, I am sure no one cares what I think of them and really, I don't care what you think of me. I think I did mention that I took everything in that everyone said...good or bad and mostly all of the posts were positive. I have no problem with suggestions..I found some of them very helpful...as far as judging me as an individual...I am not sure you read everything because there were some pretty harsh insinuations regarding me personally that I found unnecessary. Congratulations that you have become a much better person because of an internet forum. Obviously, this is not the place for me to be. I will stick with real people from now on. It's funny how much less humane you are when behind a computer.

 

Having said that.....I'm out. Thanks for the entertainment.

[jellybean89]

Okay. Thank you everyone. Ronnie33...obviously you have been in my shoes and I do try to block out that "small" fact that I have become emotionally attached more than I care to admit, more than I ever wanted, more than he is though I think it is more than he expected as well. Yeah it is a fun passionate little fling that we share and we enjoy each week but we both admit it will end and there will be pain, mostly mine. Stupidly, I block this out. Why? I don't know. Because I am filling that void. I am not a horrible person to my husband. I know it sounds like that but theres so much more to it. I understand where some of you are coming from. Some of the comments are a little uncalled for but it's okay. I am taking it all in. If you want to judge me that's fine. I've obviously done enough in my life that I don't feel right judging others. I know nothing good comes from having an affair. I just wanted a place where I wouldn't be condemned but I guess there is no such place like you said. LOL. Thanks all.

 

Yet you have have judged several people because they didn't give you what you want..validation that the Mm is head over heels in love with you and incapable of having fun without you around.

 

You have excuse after excuse of why you are a serial cheater to a man you claim to love and have no intention of leaving. I feel sad for you that you are so unhappy with the life you chose (marriage) and now seem to want to blame your spouse for your cheating, cause ya know, he is so vanilla.

 

You are having a sexual relationship with another persons spouse. That's it. Its fun, not vanilla and you get off on that. It is sad that your spouse has to be exposed to std's, potential harm (from the various men you are with) and he has no clue what you are doing. You are absent in your marriage because you are all about this Mm (and probably were that way the the previous ones), missing him, getting together with him...someone is getting short changed and it looks like it is your H. Why would you want a "roommate" situation? Doesnt sound like a happy life.

 

The MM may get tired of your neediness. I suggest you back off from needing his constant attention. I suggest finding a hobby you can do for those long weekends when he is off enjoying life. Maybe stop contacting him and let him chase you, cause men can get bored and irritated if they have to constantly stroke their lovers ego and when they feel as if they can't enjoy his life/wife/family if their lover is constantly wanting attention. I know you keep saying you have this amazing sexual chemistry, but life isn't all about sex. Maybe read an interesting book so you and the MM can share more than just sex? nothing kills romance more than constant monotony and "same old/same old". Most men don't need/want their lover being so anxious about constant communication. Maybe he is trying to ease back so when it ends, you don't become a "bunny boiler" eX lover?

 

Just relax and be easy, that's what affairs are about...not stress and anxiety.

 

If the MM has an open marriage, why can't he message you when he is with the wife for a long weekend?

[sunburned]

I think if you spent a little time "lurking" here before posting you would see this generally isn't a forum with tips and tools for maintaining an affair. That's because most of us have been through hell as APs (affair partners) or BS (betrayed spouses). There may be a forum like that but not on LS. There is a poster here called Realist who is in an open M. Maybe you could relate to some of his posts. Most of us are just trying to help each other get over hurt, anger, betrayal and stupid mistakes.

 

You won't like it but I also want to make a general observation. Men tend to go fishing with their buddies once or twice a year, not every -- or every other -- weekend especially if the venue is four hours away. Are you sure he isn't doing something else up there? Perhaps his wife and family are with him most of the time? Perhaps he has a lake house OW? Do you know he isn't there with his wife because he told you he isn't or do you have other proof? No answers required, just something to think about during your long weekends.

[Poppy47]

With all due respect, I would ask that you reconsider the repeated insinuations that some of the posters here are trying to do something other than help you. You may not appreciate all the responses, but then just move on rather than point out over and over that you feel judged.

 

I only speak for myself, but I assume others here might feel the same way in that I am not interested in what you think of me. However, I and every single other poster to this thread took time out their day to reply to you. None of us can know what posters will find helpful and what they won't. However, even though the primary goal is to help you if possible with your questions, I also keep in mind that for every person here that starts a thread, there are hundreds of others who could be reading that thread and might find that something resonates to them.

 

As for judging, that happens every time someone replies to a post. It requires reading/assessing the post in context with individual experiences and then saying "I think ___" or "I suggest that you do ___". In that sense, every reply is a judgment, even the ones you liked better towards the latter part of your thread, and that you replied to in a much friendlier tone.

 

It is judging actions and a situation, not judging you as an individual. To become defensive about that implies to me that there are things about yourself that you want to change and know aren't the way they should be.

 

For what it's worth, I have been in your shoes (from an emotional perspective - I am single) but I have come out the other side. Over the years here it continues to amaze me how much members here who are on the other side of the coin have taught me about self-respect, empathy, loyalty, kindness, and self-love. I am a much better person because of this site and because of some of those posts that I didn't "want" to hear.

 

Having said that, I'm out. I wish you the best.

 

Well said HOPE.

I am out too. I don't believe that the poster wishes to read any sincere thoughts but has her own agenda.

Poppy.

[anika99]

With all due respect Hope, I am sure no one cares what I think of them and really, I don't care what you think of me. I think I did mention that I took everything in that everyone said...good or bad and mostly all of the posts were positive. I have no problem with suggestions..I found some of them very helpful...as far as judging me as an individual...I am not sure you read everything because there were some pretty harsh insinuations regarding me personally that I found unnecessary. Congratulations that you have become a much better person because of an internet forum. Obviously, this is not the place for me to be. I will stick with real people from now on. It's funny how much less humane you are when behind a computer.

 

Having said that.....I'm out. Thanks for the entertainment.

 

Wow. I just read this thread and I was actually impressed just by how kindly and thoughtfully everyone replied to you. I've seem some mean threads and this definitely isn't one of them. Nobody here has been inhumane to you.

 

 

I'm curious to know who in your real life won't also have questions and make judgements. Most people come here specifically because they don't want anyone in their real life to know their actions and judge them. Being questioned and judged by people in our real life actually hurts much more than anything some strangers say on an internet forum.

 

 

I hope you do find some support in real life but if you can't handle anyone asking questions or making statements that require any personal examination then I'm not sure anyone can help you. Even a trained therapist would struggle not to offend you.

[beach]

Your MM is showing you with his actions (or inaction) when he wants you to participate less.

 

I'm sure there's a reason he has... Taking a break from juggling comes to mind.

 

Have you ever done this to him? Maybe try it out and see how you feel... It may give you a sense of power or balance in your dance with your MM. Do it when he fully expects you to communicate with him. Just don't respond when he reaches out.

 

 

As far as the heart of the topic = he holds MORE power over you when he stops communicating ====> so it's time to take YOUR power back and give it a try.

[Southern Sun]

My xMM did this to me - it was all about managing my expectations and keeping me in my box.

 

I honestly don't know how purposeful it was. He just did it. He had other priorities. At the time, I wanted the relationship...the love more than he did. He wanted to comparmentalize; I didn't. I couldn't.

 

What confused me was, in the beginning, he was NOT like this. We were 24x7 full on 'in love.' Then he pulled back and started the hot/cold, push/pull stuff. I think the fact that he felt real feelings freaked him out. So he actually on purpose tried to make it less. Well, it worked.

 

It did a number on my self-respect. I accepted "less" and became a shell of a person. He ultimately had more power over the relationship than me. I felt absolutely helpless. I tried to convince myself I could get something out of too. But the truth is, I'm not like that. And at the end of the day, I realized I was risking my marriage and family for what he managed down to essentially just sex.

 

Honestly, I hate him for it now.