Caught bf sexting his ex

[DG13]

So I finally started dating again after a rough breakup over the summer. I met a really nice guy and we hit it off right away. We've been dating for 4 months now and I thought things were going really well. He met my family and they all loved him and said he was a great fit. Even with all this good stuff, for some reason I had a bad feeling the last week or so. I looked at his phone when he was in the shower (I know... ) and found out he's been sexting a girl he used to date..they talked about her coming over but then I made plans with him the same day so he cancelled on her. She started bad mouthing me and he immediately cut her off saying that he really likes me and shouldn't have been texting her and said they shouldn't talk anymore.

 

Do I bring it up and tell him I snooped? Do I trust that he cut it off and it was a one-time lapse in judgement? I just don't know what to do..

[beach]

He intended to meet her.

 

Why would you stay with him knowing this is the core of his (lack of) character?

 

You now know what he's capable of - believe your evidence.

 

Is a known cheater good enough for you - what you dream of in your man?

[CarrieT]

Four months?

 

Break up. You know he didn't meet her *that* time but I would put money down he has met her on other times.

 

Have you been using protection? If not, get checked for STDs. Do you really want to try and maintain a relationship with someone who is so deceitful?

[ExpatInItaly]

Get rid of him. You now know he isn't really committed to you. This might not have been the first time either. Tell him you sense he's not really into this and it's best for you both to move on. He'll know why.

[PegNosePete]

4 months, sexting ex?

Go straight to Dumpedville.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect £200.

[GoBlue]

Hi DG13 - I don't think this is as straightforward an answer as those who have already responded. It's always easy to tell someone else that they should dump someone because they aren't the ones losing the relationship. Although you do have this information in your brain now and it cannot be undone, you did find out by going through his phone. Would you like him to go through your phone while you were in the shower? The second part of this is the fact that he seems to have broken it off with her on his own accord. In other words, he didn't wait to get caught he took the initiative because he "really likes you." The real question for me is what kind of relationship do you want to develop? You guys have been dating for four months - are you already physically involved? A meaningful and long lasting relationship (marriage) is not sexually centered. This doesn't mean that sex isn't important it simply acknowledges that sex never makes a bad relationship good. That's the reason intimacy should not be entered into quickly because it does not serve well as the foundation of a relationship. Love and commitment do.

[Redhead14]

So I finally started dating again after a rough breakup over the summer. I met a really nice guy and we hit it off right away. We've been dating for 4 months now and I thought things were going really well. He met my family and they all loved him and said he was a great fit. Even with all this good stuff, for some reason I had a bad feeling the last week or so. I looked at his phone when he was in the shower (I know... ) and found out he's been sexting a girl he used to date..they talked about her coming over but then I made plans with him the same day so he cancelled on her. She started bad mouthing me and he immediately cut her off saying that he really likes me and shouldn't have been texting her and said they shouldn't talk anymore.

 

Do I bring it up and tell him I snooped? Do I trust that he cut it off and it was a one-time lapse in judgement? I just don't know what to do..

 

I wouldn't tell him you snooped, especially since he appears to have nipped it. But, he did sext her, so he maybe a little ambivalent about you at this point. But, since you're gut was talking to you for a week or so, I would let him know in a discreet way that you feel something is up. You can open a casual, non-confrontational conversation intended to take the "temperature" of the relationship. You can say something like "I am enjoying the time we spend together and value our relationship. I am happy with the way things are going and would like to know if you feel there is anything we can work on together at this point".

 

If he is cheating or considering it, this should tap into his conscience a little bit and if he's truly serious about you, cause him to rethink his actions at least.

[DG13]

I know I shouldn't have gone through his phone.. I feel like I would have been happier not knowing. But now that I know, and I know that he cut it off I think that's the part that's stopping me from just ending it. It's still a new relationship and we started off pretty casually so I'm just not sure how to approach it. I feel like it's something that could be worth saving but how do I bring it up?

[DG13]

I wouldn't tell him you snooped, especially since he appears to have nipped it. But, he did sext her, so he maybe a little ambivalent about you at this point. But, since you're gut was talking to you for a week or so, I would let him know in a discreet way that you feel something is up. You can open a casual, non-confrontational conversation intended to take the "temperature" of the relationship. You can say something like "I am enjoying the time we spend together and value our relationship. I am happy with the way things are going and would like to know if you feel there is anything we can work on together at this point".

 

If he is cheating or considering it, this should tap into his conscience a little bit and if he's truly serious about you, cause him to rethink his actions at least.

 

I think this is a good idea. I don't want him to know I snooped, but I'm definitely keeping my guard up and talking to him about his relationship with her and with me. I don't know if that makes me stupid for expecting it not to happen again, but I don't know if I want to just cut off something that other than this is really good.

[PaperCrane]

I know I shouldn't have gone through his phone.. I feel like I would have been happier not knowing. But now that I know, and I know that he cut it off I think that's the part that's stopping me from just ending it. It's still a new relationship and we started off pretty casually so I'm just not sure how to approach it. I feel like it's something that could be worth saving but how do I bring it up?

 

It sounds like he wants to actually pursue something with you, just proceed with caution. You both did wrong here and two wrongs don't make a right. You snooped but without him knowing you did, he cut contact with her of his own volition.

[No Limit]

Break up with him, cheaters don't deserve any sort of explanation anyway. Make sure to block his number, cheater egos are incredibly fragile.

[smackie9]

He's not such a great guy.......

[sandylee1]

I know I shouldn't have gone through his phone.. I feel like I would have been happier not knowing. But now that I know, and I know that he cut it off I think that's the part that's stopping me from just ending it. It's still a new relationship and we started off pretty casually so I'm just not sure how to approach it. I feel like it's something that could be worth saving but how do I bring it up?

 

He cut her off when she started bad mouthing you. I don't think you should jump to dump him. Say nothing, but be alert.

[sandylee1]

Too many people here just say 'dump ' , without even taking in all the info. It's a new relationship, just 4 months and I think he really likes you. I don't think he's a bad person based on this.

 

When it looks like you're getting serious, discuss boundaries for both of you and both read 'Not Just Friends ' by Shirley Glass.

[DG13]

Too many people here just say 'dump ' , without even taking in all the info. It's a new relationship, just 4 months and I think he really likes you. I don't think he's a bad person based on this.

 

When it looks like you're getting serious, discuss boundaries for both of you and both read 'Not Just Friends ' by Shirley Glass.

 

We've been seeing each other for four months. He brought up making it official and exclusive a month and a half ago. So yeah.. I'd say it's 'serious' enough to deserve a conversation. I just don't know how to do it or what to say..

[PegNosePete]

So he was sexting his ex, and planning to meet up. You know what that means? If they hadn't been interrupted by you coming over then I would bet my bottom dollar that sex would have happened. Sexting + meeting = SEX.

 

If you're in an exclusive relationship then this is an immediate deal breaker! He is a liar and a cheater and has no respect for you or your relationship. If this is how he is acting after 4 months then how do you think he will be acting after 4 years? He has shown you exactly what kind of guy he is.

 

It's certainly one to tell the grandkids. Hey little Jimmy, when grandma met grandpa he was still sexting his ex. Let me tell you, I don't know many "happy ever after" stories that began that way.

[Leigh 87]

Too many people here just say 'dump ' , without even taking in all the info. It's a new relationship, just 4 months and I think he really likes you. I don't think he's a bad person based on this.

 

When it looks like you're getting serious, discuss boundaries for both of you and both read 'Not Just Friends ' by Shirley Glass.

 

He wasn't that into her if he was contemplating cheating.

 

I know men. The ones who fall hard for their partners and who felt real chemistry to begin with, never tend to risk it by getting about with other women. They do not even consider it.

 

Men who felt mediocre chemistry and who were not ever enamoured with their girlfriends, were always the men who cheated or thought about cheating early on in the relationship.

 

Personally, I would hold out for a man who just adores you, and who felt excited by you.

 

This guy may really like you as a person and I am sure he is very attracted to you, but his actions show that he isn't truly falling hard for you, he will never likely be crazy in love, because men who DO truly fall for a girl never act this way after FOUR months.

 

After a week or two, maybe. 4 months? The men I know who were the most into their girlfriends, were in love by month 4. Much less even contemplating cheating.

 

If he is like this after 4 months, when they honeymoon period should be sickly sweet, IMAGINE what he will be like in years to come when things get more routine and boring?

[Leigh 87]

So he was sexting his ex, and planning to meet up. You know what that means? If they hadn't been interrupted by you coming over then I would bet my bottom dollar that sex would have happened. Sexting + meeting = SEX.

 

If you're in an exclusive relationship then this is an immediate deal breaker! He is a liar and a cheater and has no respect for you or your relationship. If this is how he is acting after 4 months then how do you think he will be acting after 4 years? He has shown you exactly what kind of guy he is.

 

It's certainly one to tell the grandkids. Hey little Jimmy, when grandma met grandpa he was still sexting his ex. Let me tell you, I don't know many "happy ever after" stories that began that way.

 

 

I know the men who did this.

 

They ended up settling for the girl because she was nice to them. And the girl was giddy and over the moon, bending over backwards for the guys in question:sick:

 

I have had said guys in questions try to make moves on me. They admitted they weren't crazy about their partners but stayed because they had such a solid friendship and their ladies really looked after them; but the men were not enamoured and never were.

 

ALL men who started out their new relationships sexting exes, ended up that way ^^^^^ when they meet a girl who DOES melt their hearts and make them feel infatuated and alive, they cheat or break up. OR stay silently miserable and manipulate themselves into believing they are "happy", since supposedly it is only in "fairytales" they couples have heady lust and the intense chemistry and infatuation, true love type of feelings.

 

The men I of who were genuinely enamoured with their girlfriends NEVER started out their relationships like this... with sexting.... I know these men well. People tend to tell me stuff.

[sandylee1]

We've been seeing each other for four months. He brought up making it official and exclusive a month and a half ago. So yeah.. I'd say it's 'serious' enough to deserve a conversation. I just don't know how to do it or what to say..

 

So was the texting after the talk of being exclusive? Or before?

 

If it was after, that would really worry me, because as one poster said, if you didn't make plans with him, he was going to meet up with her.

 

A way to bring it up is to say you were talking with some female coworkers about relationships and what's acceptable and what isn't. Say there were differing views, but give some examples and ask what he thinks about them.

 

Also you could say now that your exclusive and because of previous experience, you want to be clear what's okay with the both of you.

 

Things like

 

- hanging out with guy /girl friends

- going clubbing with your friends / how often

- acceptable time to come home

- maintaining contact with Exes

- transparency. To what level

 

Just 4 months in, when you don't live together you have to decide if this is all a bit heavy though. These are just examples. It's early days to demand too much IMO.

 

Stay vigilant.

[Space Ritual]

We've been seeing each other for four months. He brought up making it official and exclusive a month and a half ago. So yeah.. I'd say it's 'serious' enough to deserve a conversation. I just don't know how to do it or what to say..

 

 

4 months in and he is already sexting and then cuts off the sexting like that? On top of it HE was the one who "made it exclusive" just 6 weeks ago?

 

he only cut it of because he was scared you would find out through the grapevine. Which you would eventually. Exclusive my foot!

 

You have every right to snoop. You were not invading his privacy, you were invading his secrecy and for good reason. Trust your gut. Move on now so you don't come back here in 6 months saying you caught him cheating on you. If he already took it to the sexting level with an ex after 6 weeks of exclusivity he will do it again. Dump him now and spare yourself some pain down the road this summer.

 

Rid yourself of him this very night, or you'll regret it.

[DG13]

I talked to him a little over the weekend. I'm supposed to see him on Friday night but I don't know what to say / how to approach the topic. I'd like to hear what he has to say before I make any decisions. I just don't want to tell him I snooped..

[KatZee]

Honestly, I gave a cheater a second chance and it was something I'd never do again. Ever. It's not worth it.

 

This guy didn't physically cheat, but he was .5 milliseconds away from it.

 

Also, I find it highly ironic that he's been having a borderline emotional affair with an ex, having sex escapades via text, and actually MADE PLANS to get together!!! And then in the next breath he's telling this ex-chick that he actually likes you? And he's chastising HER for bad mouthing you? Wait, what?

 

Where was his "I really like this girl I'm officially dating" when he was off playing text sex and disrespecting you with his ex? (for months no less!!!)

 

There is no way to bring up the fact you think he's still involved with his ex without pretty much giving up the fact that you know something.

 

If you're so intent on having this conversation, know that it's going to all go down pretty quickly. I'd say if you have the convo he's going to flat out lie his entire face off and spin some story about "oh baby you don't trust me?! Which is going to get you SUPER angry since you're going to know he's lying and you'll probably give yourself away.

[PegNosePete]

I'd like to hear what he has to say before I make any decisions.

Really? You know what cheaters do? They lie. And when you catch them in a lie, they lie to cover it up. And when you uncover that lie, they lie again and again and again. Do you really want him to fill your head with lies?

 

You know what he's done. You have all the information you need to make an informed decision about your future.

[veggirl]

I'd dump him for the fact that if you hadn't interrupted, he'd have slept with her!

 

If you don't want to dump him, it's probably time for the ex-talk. And tell him you are not okay w/ a bf who is in contact w/ his ex (though he'll prob just go underground with it then).

 

I mean really, how will you ever be able to trust him again?

 

I don't know how you didn't blow up on the spot, I would've handed him his phone and been like 'EXPLAIN NOW' but probably in much harsher words.

[CarrieT]

I'd like to hear what he has to say before I make any decisions.

Before you do that, google the term "gaslighting" and become aware of the concept.

 

If he - in any way - makes you feel like you imagined it or are crazy for even thinking he could cheat, than EVERYTHING we have been telling you here is correct: He is a liar and a cheat and you should break up immediately.

Although why you are even bothering to look for his rationale is somewhat beyond me...