EX back for vacation g/f wants to visit him

[lostinthought2005]

I have been with My girlfriend for over 2 months. I have become very much in love with her. She is the best thing that has happened in my life. This summer her ex b/f ( dated for 1 year and 8 months) will be coming here from Wyoming to visit. She plans on visiting him. I told her how I really don't like that idea at all. Its not that I dont trust her. I just don't know him and I don't trust him. She also ays that if it was the other way around she wouldnt like it at all either and that she would have to accept it. She told me that she would do it either way because he is a good friend of some amount of years. I need help, this bugs me so bad. I love her so much. Just someone help!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

First, are you exclusive with this woman, and have the two of you talked about that with her directly?

 

Hmmm, just what does "visit him" mean? What is the purpose of his "visit", and is he mostly coming just to see *her*, or does he have some other reason to be coming to Wyoming? (very bad if coming to see her is a major reason for the "visit") Are we talking about lunch, or what? How extensive is this "visit" going to be? Did she make that clear at all?

 

Depending on the kind of person your GF is (trustworthy? - has she cheated on lovers in the past that she has told you about?) it may not be too serious, but I really don't like the "just deal with it" attitude that your GF is giving you about your very reasonable concerns, and the fact that you have those concerns, suggests to me that perhaps some of these questions are questions for which she is not providing answers. If she is being very vague or cagey about the visit, I think you may have a problem. Is that the case?

 

Tell her you have heard so much about him, that you would like to meet him too, and see if she will take you with her (at least once, when he first gets to town, and preferably before he sees her otherwise). Getting introduced to the ex as the current BF is ALWAYS a good thing, as it tells the ex that their ex (that would be your current GF) is with you now, and also shows that your SO for sure wants the ex to know that you are a part of her life.

 

In my opinion, even if she wants a bit of time alone to chat with her friend at some point during her visit, introducing you to him as her BF up front (preferably with some kind words about you that will mean "back off" to him) is the least she can do, and is a reasonable request considering their history, if you currently have an exclusive relationship with her. (example: I want you to meet [your name here], my boyfriend. He's very important to me. [your name here], this is [his name here]. I told you about [his name here]. We're still great friends.). The LEAST she can do, at least once, when he first gets to town. If she is a very considerate person, and is very serious about you, she will do that for you, without your having to ask.

[CurlyIam]

Even if you don't like it, I think it's most important that she feels she's free to do as she pleases. Give her freedom, or else you can be sure she'll leave.

 

I am sorry, but thinking after only 2 months that she's "the best thing that ever happened to your life" is a bit much, don't you think? Take it a bit slower, enjoy her a bit more without holding her prisoner of your love.

 

 

From my personal experience, seeing my ex was a VERY very good thing. It reminded exactly why I left him and how much better I was without him, even though at the time I was somewhat excited by the idea of seeing him again.

 

 

Don't deny her that. Don't deny her closure. It's in us, humans, the curiosity. Looking back and wondering. If you're right for her, your allowing her to see her ex will only bring you closer because it's a proof that not only you love her, but you also trust her.

 

 

Cheers,

 

Curly

[lostinthought2005]

She has told me that she feels the same for me. We are able to talk about anything and everything. I have sat her down and talked to her about this. She does know that I trust her and all and I believe the kid is coming here for other reasons. Ijust don't like the idea of them being together again after them being together for all that time before. Its not like they were together all that long ago. She was with him like 5 months ago maybe if that. Thats what bothers me. By together I meen in a realtionship.

[Donut]

You know the saying give them enough rope to hang themselves with? Do it.

 

She may just be seeing him as Curly says to get some closure, or even to prove to herself that she may not like him in that way anymore. Either way, you cannot stop whatever will happen, and you'll be wasting your energy if you did.

 

I saw an ex once, after I got with another guy, it was only to talk and to tell him the relationship was definitely over. I really didn't like him anymore. Closure.

 

Only be concerned with this if the visits become a regular occurence.

 

If the worst happened and they got back together, or she cheats with him then you know she isn't the one for you and you wouldn't be able to stop it anyway.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Donut is giving you good advice there. It could very well be about closure. If the visits become regular, that should be a signal to you. The point about your not being able to stop it if something is going to happen, is also correct. I just think that sometimes, (such as with the right introduction to the ex), these things can be cut off at the pass, especially if the guy is from out of town, and especially if your GF doesn't really *plan* for anything to happen. It is also true, however, that if she isn't any more into you and honest than to be able to not cheat on you with him, it doesn't really matter anyway, because it will happen at some point in the future if not now.

 

The bottom line is that if she feels the same way about you that you do about her, you probably have nothing to worry about. While meeting the ex (taking the "just deal with it" attitude towards you, and not being real descriptive about what she has in mind for her "visit" with him) is not conclusive that she doesn't feel the same, it should give you some things to think about.

 

Where does your GF plan to visit him, and what do they plan to do? I don't know, it may truly be nothing. I noticed you didn't answer my question about whether she was being cagey or vague about his "visit", but even if you don't want to say, that is a very good sign one way or the other as to whether you should be worried or not.

 

I hope everything works out well for you and your GF.

[Cecelius]

"Visit" is a loaded word, and no advice here can be valuable till people know if this is coffee, dinner, an overnight visit, or what.

 

Are you exclusive with her?

 

I do think that intentionally going to see the dude for more than a brief meal is bad news. Either it means he's still got some pull (in which case you need to walk away), she's not really with you yet or, worst, she needs the attention (which is what I think closure is).

 

She's likely on the rebound (still emotionally attached to him)

 

Also keep in mind that she agrees she'd be wounded by it, and is STILL doing it to you (lack of empathy) and you indicated that you have a problem with it.

 

In my book, if a girl needs to see an ex, I feel she can see him as much as she wants. Just means she's not your girl. Don't be wounded by it, take it for what it is (2 month relationship, but see the exclusive question above) and go find some other girls to hang out with.

[lostinthought2005]

She isn't going because she found out things about him and she doesn't want to see him now.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Glad to see the situation has taken care of itself. But it leaves one to wonder just what "things" caused your girlfriend enough emotional distraught to suddenly change her opinion regarding her so-called friend.

 

But the phrase in your post which caught my attention was this:

 

Its not that I dont trust her.

 

The h*ll you don't!

 

And you know what…it's absolutely OKAY. Love and "trust" are not the same things and can not be used as a measure to determine how much you genuinely care for someone. Only 'confidence' in your partner and/or stability in your relationship indicates how much "trust" you're able to give them.

 

I personally get weary of people trying to equate one with the other because it makes people like you feel that they are doing something wrong when they suddenly get suspicious or worried. They're reluctant to admit it, even though they're feeling it, and are more likely not to address the issue honestly. THOSE are the people who at the end of the day end up getting walked all over by someone looking to take advantage their perceived ambivalence.

 

It's so sad to see that happen to folks.

 

Allow me to make you feel better by saying: When someone's partner suddenly wants to spend time with an ex out of the blue, of course ANYONE is going to panic initially and question what's going on. It's not paranoia. It's to be expected. And if that partner turns it around and claims you don't "love" them because you don't "trust" them…than fault lies with them because they are not acknowledging or respecting your feelings. That's when you really need to start second-guessing what that person might be up to!

[RecordProducer]

What's the whole deal about seeing ex-partners? Don't people know that the word "ex" means NO MORE?!?!

I had the same conversation with my BF - will post a thread soon.

I want to wear the jeans I used to wear when I was a teenager 15 years ago, but I can't. Those days are gone. I want to go out and not think about two kids leaving with my sick mom at home. But those days are gone too.

The days with all our ex's are gone too! Thank god. How can they want to see people they slept with?

[lostinthought2005]

The thing is, I do trust her. I don't even know him so therfore I do not trust him. I said this before but seems to me that maybe it got skipped over or something.

[Okay]

she found out things about him and doesn't want to see him now? that's fishy.

 

she was up to something. she wanted to see him for another reason.