still a chance after 3 months?

[cleebie]

Hi,

 

My ex split from me 3 months ago after 4.5 years together and we have had no contact for 3 weeks.

 

He gave vague reasons for leaving like "I've changed" and "it's not you, it's me". He has told a mutual friend recently

that he didn't see us going anywhere and that we drifted apart (news to me!) but he didn't tell me this himself when we split up.

 

What I want to know is that is there a chance that he could still change his mind in the future? He is obviously telling the mutual friend things that I assume he knows will get passed on to me to give the message that he has made the right decision and is not coming back.

 

But could that change as time goes on? If, after 3 months, he sounds sure of his decision, could he become a bit unsurer as time goes on?

 

Has anyone been in the position where their ex, after several weeks or months, was still adamant that they had made the right decision in leaving but changed their mind some time on?

 

any advice welcome, thanks.

[eastern_mystique]

Hey cleebie,

 

My ex split up with me over a month and a half ago, and I'm wondering the same thing. Luckily (or perhaps not) I see him regularly as we both go to the same college and share some of the same friends, so I have a fairly good idea of how things are between us. Do you and your ex talk/see each other regularly? If so, do you still get along well or is there animosity or uncomfortableness?

 

I think whether exes get back together depends on a few things:

 

First whether they still like you; I think my ex does, there's this weird energy or chemistry between us when we're together and it's not awkwardness because we feel very comfortable around each other. Plus a few other little things (we still touch each other in a playful way or mess up each others hair, or pretend to punch each other in the arm, he uses a lot of eye contact with me, plus a few weeks ago we got a little drunk and we ended up all over each other ).

 

Second, if you know what went wrong in the relationship. My ex was vague with me too, and used the same "it's not you, it's me" line. He doesn't know why his feelings changed, just that they did. It took me a few weeks to figure out what the reasons were that we broke up, and I only figured out why we broke up when I looked at things from his perspective. That allowed me to see things from his way instead of setting him up as the villain which is all too easy to do and understand what went wrong and how it can be fixed.

 

Third, if they're willing to try again. The person who broke up with you is in an enviable position because if they do try things with you again, they've got nothing to lose and it costs them nothing - it's win win for them. If things don't work out with you the 2nd time round, then they don't feel like they've lost anything. However, if they do work out, then they've gained something.

 

I read somewhere once "beliefs are worthless unless you allow them to be tested". If the ex believes that nothing can ever happen again and that it won't work out, then that viewpoint is worthless unless they allow it to be tested. And how can it be tested? By giving you a 2nd chance and actually finding out of course! This is the angle I'm going for with my ex. After all, I've given his whole 'lets be friends' thing a shot and it's not working out because it just feels wrong to me. For the last 6 weeks I've given him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps we're better as friends and I've not found it to be true. So in all fairness he should give me the benefit of the doubt that the 2nd time around perhaps it will work. Sometimes the best approach can take the form of a challenge and see if they can back up their word with actions. My ex's favourite saying is "the only way to live is to be willing to die". All that really means is "the only way to live is to be willing to try" and I'm gonna hold him to that and dare him to prove it to me.

 

It's also easier if they're not with someone else to give you a 2nd chance. They could find that this new person is inferior to you and it may make them more likely to think about giving things another shot with you. But they may also like this new person a lot, and it's always difficult to resolve this kind of stuff when there's an outsider involved.

 

As for what he's saying to your mutual friend, it could be true, but then again he split with you 3 months ago so why is he still talking about it? He may be trying to convince himself. Boys like to lie to their friends to make themselves look better. Recently I mentioned to my ex something minor that happened with me and another guy and he became morbidly curious and asked really intrusive questions about it. Then a few days ago he said to one of our mutual friends that he "knows what I'm trying to do" and that "it's not really working", i.e my trying to make him jealous. He can front with his friends all he wants, but his reaction to what I told him tells a different story. Plus if it didn't bother him, why talk about it with his friends anyway?

 

Anyway, I wish you luck with your ex, and I'm hoping that things will go well with mine too. Just don't wait around forever - it's okay to play the waiting game for a while, but don't let it go on for too long - make a move if you must.

[cleebie]

Hi eastern_mystique,

 

Thanks for the response.

 

to your first point - He has said that he still loves me, but when I asked him if that meant he wasn't "in love" with me anymore, he couldn't say. He says that he considers me his best friend and is scared of losing me from his life.

The last time we met, we were very touchy feely, it was very emotional with both of us crying, but we were holding hands, I was stroking the back of his neck as I always used to do - to others looking on, I think we would have looked like a couple in love (ironically). There is still a lot between us.

 

To your second point - I am still not sure why he left. He said that he has changed, he sees us as best friends. He has told our mutual friend (but not me) that he didn't see us going anywhere and that we drifted apart. He says that he is not seeing someone else. I have a feeling that his work is involved in that he is very very ambitious and his job is very demanding and I have a suspicion that he wants to concentrate fully on his job and feels that he doesn't have time to think about me. I do feel that he is scared of telling my why he has left - maybe because the reason sounds trivial.

 

To your third point - I don't feel that he is willing to try again. I have told him that I still love him, that I don't want us to split up and that I will be here for him if he changes his mind. When i have said this, he hasn't said "no, it's over, I am definately not coming back, you need to move on" which is what I would have expected him to say if he was sure that he had made the right decision but not sure if that really means anything.

 

He does seriously consider me to be his best friend and I am not sure whether to meet him as a friend, as we do get on so so well and enjoy each others company, or to continue no contact. We have had no contact for 3 weeks as the last time we met, things got very emotional and it was left with the ball in my court as to the next contact when and if I feel ready.

 

If we meet as friends and have a good time together could his feelings start to change again and eventually realise why he loved me and maybe think we should be together or should I continue No Contact so that maybe he will miss me and realise what he has lost? It is so difficult to know what to do for the best.

 

I will not wait forever but I am happy to give him some time as I am certainly nowhere near ready to start dating again let alone start a new relationship with anyone so I don't feel that I am missing out on anything or not moving on.

 

Thanks for the advice and good luck with your ex. I hope it all turns out as you wish it to.

 

[Jtizzle]

People can change their minds at anytime. TIME is the answer to everything. like for instance, i was 14 when i fell in love with this one dude. he was 17 at the time. back then age didnt matter because we were so IN TUNE with each other. we dated off in on for about 2years and after that jus sent emails saying hello and whanot.then in like july of 2004 he told me he had a son and was going to get married the next week. of course i wished him the best of luck in life and told him that we couldnt be friends because its time that we both got over each other.

 

well nov.2004 i sent him a email askin how married life was and how he was doing and he said him and his son were fine and that he didnt get married. and i was like why not, and he was like his fiance was in love with another person as so was he. then he asked for my phone number and we talk mostly everyday since that.

 

Now i was the one that left him due to the fact that he couldnt manage his time and call me or send me a email or write me a letter ( it was a long distance relationship)... so thats why we broke up and he understood those circumstances.

 

But since we just started talkin again this past nov. he tells me that im the only woman he really loved and that he wanna get married to me and just all this mess. now i was the one that broke it off, and it was for a good reason and all this talkin to him and arguements we have shows me that we should remain friends and nothing more.

 

Now for ur situation, ya bf could say that its him and not u and that he wants to remail seperated but i think if u show that u still love him (not crazy stalking love) but u kno lil sweet stuff if thats how u feel, then i say go for it. he may come around and want to get back together if u show sum iniative or he may just come around on his own. i repeat time is the answer. hell u might even realize that u dont want to be with him and by that time he may want to be back together