clearingclouds Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 My girlfriend of 5 years plans to break up with me (l'll just say one of her friends isn't as much of a friend to her as she thinks) --- when I found out and had privacy, I was very sad - crying, upset - the usual. I'm still sad and have done a good job with hiding those emotions from my girlfriend. Fortunately, I'm a bit more 'with it' now and sorted out my emotions. Overall, I think she is very selfish and making a huge mistake. I'm wondering - how do I react to her when she tells me? Upset? Throw her off by acting happy? Part of me isn't happy knowing I have time to prepare for the inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
LostSleep Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Why does she want to break up with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author clearingclouds Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 She is no longer interested in a relationship, she wants to have "fun, date, and go to bars." That is contrary to her desires all along of settling down, having a family, and having fun with me --- at least that's what she has told me during 5 years. Also I hear she is interested in someone else. I'm sure there are a few other "alsos." I'm a damn good catch and have been very good to her. I'm sad because I am and have been committed to her no matter what, asked her questions about her feelings and what she wants, given her what she wants, told her what I want --- she is just going to drop me and the relationship like an old magazine? That is selfish. LostSleep, I read your thread - we have much in common. I'm happy to read you are a good person. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 You could always rock her world and break up with her first. What do you have to lose? She's already laid the groundwork to break up with you, and not only that but has made it known to other people - and already has plans to hook up with someone else. Call her up, and say "I've been thinking. I think we should break up and see other people. I don't think we should be friends, either - it just wouldn't work." If she brings it up first, saying "we need to talk" - agree that you do need to talk and then break it off swiftly, with no chance of 'friends'. Wish her a happy existence, and then leave as quickly as possible with a minimum or no 'discussion'. It may all be an act, but its one that is sure to leave her stunned and probably second guessing what it is she really wants. If you slam the door in her face, its pretty much a guarantee that she's going to be left standing outside of it begging to know why you dumped her. Give her some time to think about it. Don't beg, call her, cry, or any of that stuff. Just cut her off with little or no explanation. I expect all the excuses and well meaning crap she was planning to foist off onto you in the form of a 'friendly breakup' will come back to haunt her. Its lucky that you found out ahead of time. You found out the one thing that she will avoid: the truth. She wants to break up and I have no doubt she has a whole list of well meaning things (excuses) to say that are supposed to take the sting out of being dumped. A lot of dumpers that are women do this. They want to explain, to take the blame off themselves, to try to make it as painless as possible with offers of 'friendship'. She'll say anything but the truth: that she is not in love with you, and doesn't want to be with you anymore. Nothing hurts more than the truth, sometimes. Nothing stings a dumper's well-thought out plans than to have the dumpee break things off first. I expect it will have her doing some hard thinking. It will take an iron will on your part, but if you are 100% sure she's going to dump you, there's nothing that says you shouldn't do it first as a form of self-protection. I expect that this abrupt upsetting of her plans will have her thinking hard about just how willing she was to let you go in the first place. If she goes about her merry way, with nary a complaint - then you know that she was already gone to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clearingclouds Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 LucreziaBorgia, thank you so much for your comment. Interesting I haven't thought about that and I will. I asked why she hasn't broken it off yet. The 'friend's' reply: she doesn't want to hurt you. The friend gave all kinds things she told her about how good I am to her, how I will make a great father, blah blah blah blah. But it is so frustrating for her not to have fun and date. Sounds to me like she has high expectations and she is in for disappointment. I can't think of another example of someone who thinks so much about him/herself without considering another. Not being open with me - that hurts me. Telling me our relationship is fine when I ask what how things are without giving a chance to working on things - that hurts me. Stringing me along - that hurts me. Also interest in another man while stringing me along - that hurts me. I deserve at least honesty. After so many years I think I would know a person well, but do not. This type of woman does not deserve me. Can I break it off? I'll start that mental process and it may take a little while. I've been dedicated to her and the relationship for several years and never thought about ending it. I've worked for us to communicate and resolve issues. She is much weaker. Of course when she does the 'let's talk thing' and starts heading her direction - trust me, thanks to your comment and me thinking about this now - I will be ready to have the conversation head my direction. What is my direction? I really like your comment --- swiftly, with no chance of 'friends'. Wish her a happy existence, and then leave as quickly as possible with a minimum or no 'discussion'. Must find more tissues... Link to post Share on other sites
Three of Swords Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Devil's advocate here .... Do you trust the friend? Are you sure the friend is telling the truth? Maybe the friend has her own agenda? Just something to think about. B. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by Three of Swords Devil's advocate here .... Do you trust the friend? Are you sure the friend is telling the truth? Maybe the friend has her own agenda? Just something to think about. B. Aye, there's always that! I wouldn't go forward unless she starts the breakup process first, or you are 100% sure this 'friend' is telling the truth, and you have some corroborating evidence to go with her statements. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clearingclouds Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks, after the talk with the friend one of the first things I did was to actively look for corroborating evidence. She wasn't a friend of mine and freely spoke about something given to her in confidence. Looking for evidence is not something I would do and felt bad doing it, but felt trust and respect for other's property needed to take a temporary backseat. I confirmed it, unfortunately One thing about breaking up with me, if she has been stringing me along, she may continue to do so. She may not have the guts to go through with it. I think this might be pretty likely. I don't know... Telling others before me is a bit rude. I guess that shows I'm not important in her life. Right now, I'll wait for her move... again it would take a little while for me to take the first step to break up. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 The best defence is attack. Don't forget that. And don't think you'll be 20 forever! I think that the sooner you realise that there are plenty of fish in the sea, the sooner you'll get better. She can stoll this another year. I think the best thing you could do is confront her with what you've heard. Do you want for ALL your friends to hear how you're boring her to death with your displays of affection? Especially since soone ror later they'll know that you know. What if your gf told this other friend on purpose that she wanted out? Either way, you're in the gutter, my friend. Just grow a spine and leave her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author clearingclouds Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks CurlyIam. I'm in my mid-30's. I do hope many good fishes remain for me, but I'm ok with that. I really consider myself as a good person. I'll be fine when it is time for me to find another. But, I'm not at that point yet. Hmmm... maybe she knew this person couldn't keep a secret and would tell me... well, another example of how weak she is. Don't know if that is the case. I guess I could speculate, but prefer not to. You're right. Her friends will learn about my relationship before I do. And grow a spine... I think I'm working on it. For the first time I'm telling myself she doesn't deserve me. Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Yep, dump her first, you'll be glad you did in the long run. Just say this isn't working out for either of us, then watch her reaction. Then go cry and be upset in private. I tell you, I wish I could find a guy like you who's willing to stick with it and make a commitment, plenty of girls want a dependable solid guy. Do you all hide somewhere? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 yeah, whatever donut said: ME TOO!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 oops double post, sorry Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 well, i don't know that she's being selfish so much. she's young, she isn't ready for something as serious as maybe you were. i think it would be more selfish for her to string you along and still be having the fun she's looking for. that's not only selfish, but it's also wrong and extremely unfair. i think it's kind of immature to break up with her first just to save face because you found out about it first. if you want to save your dignity, if i were you, i would let her say what she wants to say. then tell her you were thinking along the same lines and so you agree with her, that you also want to have fun and be with other people. tell her you want to be friends, even if you don't mean it, because that's what people say. it doesn't seem to me that really care about her breaking up with you, but that you just don't want to look like an idiot. if she breaks up with you, she'll tell everyone she broke up with you. if you break up with her, she'll say she broke up with you. if you do it this, she'll say it was mutual and go on with her life, and you'll go on with hers. i would say that maybe you'll even end up back together if it's a mutual and friendly-ish experience, but you don't seem concerned with that, so i won't say it... good luck. break-ups happen, and you really shouldn't feel that badly about having someone do it to you. it's not your fault that sometimes, feelings just change over time. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 I'm with LucreziaBorgia on this. Get the facts straight first. It's possible that this so-called friend of hers is yanking both of your chains. So how do you find out the truth? Ask her. Yes, it's that simple. You: I've got some bad vibes that you're thinking of breaking up with me. Her: Why do you say that? You: I dunno, just a feeling. But am I right? ... and base your response on what happens next. By the way... Originally posted by Donut I wish I could find a guy like you who's willing to stick with it and make a commitment, plenty of girls want a dependable solid guy. Do you all hide somewhere? We're all over the place, licking our wounds (so to speak) inflicted by the women that treated us like dirt. Sound like I'm bitter? Well, maybe I am. Link to post Share on other sites
fundamental Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Dump her first!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Three of Swords Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by slubberdegullion We're all over the place, licking our wounds (so to speak) inflicted by the women that treated us like dirt. Sound like I'm bitter? Well, maybe I am. Hey there are women here licking our wounds too - over guys who treat us like dirt. My tongue is raw from it. Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Three of Swords Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Clearing Clouds as it would appear you have your "proof" the ball is really in your court. So it's decision time - do you go first (and save 'face') and dump her? or do you go along for the ride and see if she does the breaking up. If she ends up not breaking up with you will it make you defensive and analyze all her actions in the future? It would appear that your perceptions of the relationship have shifted no matter what decision and no matter what happens you could be in for an unpleasant ride. LS is wonderful for support. We are all here for you no matter what. Best of luck and keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 Can I break it off? I just hate it when people beat me in dispensing my priceless advice YES! Everyone here is right on target - initiate the break up first. Doing that will accomplish several things: First and foremost, it will establish the fact that you respect yourself enough not to be yanked around on some chain - that will automatically raise her level of respect for you. That does NOT mean you should take her back if she starts re-considering her decision. I chose my words carefully, though: I said initiate the break up, but I didn't say break up. I say, initiate the process; be direct and tell her exactly what you think in a very mature, calm but no-nonsense manner that you are no longer getting what you want out of this relationship and that you feel she is the same. Don't get angry or overly-emotional, but cut through the crap and let her know that the games are over - it's her choice and you want a definitive answer one way or the other. If she can't give you anything but an unequivocal "Yes, I still want to date you" to your questions, drop her like an anchor into the sea. As far as knowing whether she really wants to break up with you or not, you already know that deep down inside. The way she interacts with you will tell you everything. It's not what she says, it's what she does. If the sex isn't there, if the intimacy is gone, if she wants more time with her friends and barely has any time for you...you can be sure that things have changed - for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clearingclouds Posted April 19, 2005 Author Share Posted April 19, 2005 amerikajin, others did not beat you to it --- your advice is priceless. I like what you had to say about initiating the break up. I reread yours (and other) messages probably 7-9 times. This is great stuff. I do consider myself lucky --- time to compose myself, to sort out my emotions, and understand what is important in my life. Most others have no opportunity --- it is a surprise, a shock, and a question of one's self. Whether she wants to break up with me --- you're right, I know that deep down inside. The way she interacts with me has drastically changed in the past couple of months. Two way conversations and returned phone calls are very rare. I do feel unimportant. And I should not be. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Ty Posted April 20, 2005 Share Posted April 20, 2005 dump her.. lot of emotional baggage that comes with being dumped. You don't want that.. especially after a 5 year relationship. It will be hard either way, but definately less hard if you are the one doing the dumping. Go NC after you break up with her and let her sweat it. Link to post Share on other sites
Female Guest Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Hi Clearing clouds, I kinda think that perhaps it was time to end the relationship. You were with her for five years and never asked to marry her. It sounds like things were going nowhere. She might have been bored if all you ever did was stay home watch movies and make out. Really...I think she is doing both of you a favor. And one other thing, its possible that her friend was forewarning you because you never proposed marriage to her. See if you really wanted to be with her and were afraid to lose her, you would have been shopping for a ring when her friend warned you. I think she is right to be selfish about her life. Link to post Share on other sites
sleeplessincnd Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 What are you all thinking??? Female Guest is right - Clearing Clouds it looks like you are the dreaded Commitment Phobe that we have all heard so much about. Don't want to marry this girl in the 5 years you are together and then run when you get some likely false information! And you said you are in your 30s and not wanting to marry - there are some major signs of CP here. Break up with her and do her a favor - you can't commit and will use any stupid excuse to break up. I am willing to bet this is not the first break up in the five years. COME ON LOVESHACKERS - FOR BEING SO INSIGHTFUL ABOUT LOVE HOW COULD YOU MISS THIS ONE!! Just b/c Clearing Clouds is the one asking doesn't mean he is not the one at fault. Evil exes are not the only ones who can have issues! You need to make a committment and make it fast or she has every right to dump your a$$!! Link to post Share on other sites
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