Hello! My back story...

[mokamint7]

Hello! This is my first time posting as I've just stumbled on this site. I wanted to share my back story before I started replying to other post. I'm currently the OW and have been for probably around 8-9 years...really it's been that long. There were times when we stopped talking (always my doing) for any where from a couple of months to the longest almost a year. But for whatever reason I've always gone back.

 

I met him at a friend's family get together and was immediately attracted to him the minute he walked in the door (FYI-He's 13 years older than me). Then is girlfriend came in with her three kiddos. He's African American and she's Caucasian and her children are biracial so I assumed they were married or together and that those were their kids. Once I saw the kiddos I didn't think twice about him until the next day at work. His cousin came to me and told me he wanted me to have his number and to call him. I didn't understand why at first, especially since he had a girlfriend. I was extremely naive at that time in my life and had just learned that my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me the entire time we dated. I'd known my ex-boyfriend since I was in middle school, he was my first love, we broke up, and then started dating again in college. To learn that he'd been cheating on me was the biggest betrayal in my life at that time and it really broke me. The state I was in when I met the new guy opened the door for me to start a "relationship" with him even when I knew it was wrong. I think I was around 23-24 and when I decided to meet the new guy (even though he had a gf) I was like, "Oh if he likes me more than he'll break up with his gf for me." Man, I was stupid.

 

We slept with each other the very first time and the sex was beyond incredible. I liked the attention, the sex, feeling wanted, etc. I craved all of that after the bad break up with my ex. After we started we saw each other once a week maybe twice a week for about seven months. Then he decided to move in with his gf. I stopped for awhile and eventually went back. That gf found out he was cheating when I send a text and he was home in the middle of the day although she never knew it was be he had been cheating with. He's family knew he and I were sleeping with each other and actually welcomed it because they didn't like his new gf (he was previously in a 11 year relationship and they missed that woman). Their relationship went down hill and he and I eventually for whatever reason at that time stopped talking. Almost a year later we see each other again at my friend (his cousins) son's bday party and he's with a new woman (just a friend). We start talking, start sleeping with each other because technically he was single at that time. I kinda inquired about us dating and he said he wasn't ready to jump into something serious after his last gf (you know the classic line used, even though I knew "he just wasn't that into me" if he'd let me go, etc...). Then he decides he wants the woman that had been his friend for some time to be his gf. I tell him I'm excited for him (because at that time I wasn't really deeply into my feelings yet) to commit again and we have NC for a few weeks. He then text me to see how I'm doing and I ask about his gf. He says she didn't want to be with him, so we start up again. Only this time around something starts to change and we aren't just having sex, we're making love. I know the difference because in the beginning he didn't want to kiss me for like months. Well, a few weeks into us being together again, she text him and tells him she decided she did want to be with him and she just wanted him to sweat about it a little since he waited so long to ask him. He shows me a screen shot of the text message, the dates were correct, so I know with that situation he wasn't playing me. Problem is at that point we were about to start talking about dating officially. But it is what it is. We stop for awhile and then of course start up again. Fast forward to last October when we went NC again and I blocked his number. He got extremely pissed that I slept with another guy (who was a friend) and he in no way could understand why he didn't have a right to be mad. During NC he'd been texting me for almost four months and I hadn't been getting the text messages (because I'd blocked him) so he messaged me on Facebook. I was totally not interested for a long time and then at the end of last month I caved and we started seeing each other again.

 

We talk everyday, sometimes all day. We both love to text so that makes it so much easier. He also text me on the weekend when she's not around (oh he moved in with her). We see each other about once a week and the sex only gets better. We have this intense connection (I know it's probably just lust and I'm grasping at straws to give me a reason to continue...) and I've never had that with anyone. But afterwards he can just shower and drive home to his gf... Afterwards I get pretty depressed and I have to dig myself out of this really bad emotional place. And once I'm out of that hole the cycle continues. It makes it even worse because his gf friend requested me on Facebook awhile back and we're now Facebook friends. So every couple thing they do, I get front row seats to see. Pictures, status updates...everything. When I talk about stopping he gets pissed with me changing my mind all the time and says he's done, but that never last. This time he said if I cut him off again (because I always cut him off cold turkey, which leaves him pissed) that his pride is finally done "coming back" to me.

 

I'm not really asking for any advice because I already know I'm emotionally unhealthy, that I'm wrong, I should stop, etc. So easy to write, but so hard to actually do long term. I'm so very much in love with him and I keep thinking that since it's been this long surely we're meant to be together at some point. Even though I know that's just plain stupid to think that. I'm hoping that reading other's stories will give me the strength to really stop. Thanks for reading, I know this post is extremely long.

Edited April 17, 2015 by mokamint7

[sunburned]

I keep thinking that since it's been this long surely we're meant to be together at some point. Even though I know that's just plain stupid to think that. I'm hoping that reading other's stories will give me the strength to really stop. Thanks for reading, I know this post is extremely long.

 

You have the wrong perspective. It's been this long (nearly a decade) and you're still not together. You're a long-term side piece to him. Why would he end it? He gets a real life girlfriend(s) and he gets you. You are still young but over 30. If you ultimately want a husband and children of your own, it's time to leave. These are critical years for a woman. Don't you want more for yourself than a cheater? How much longer are you willing to wait for this fool?

[mokamint7]

I actually have three young kiddos. I become a foster parent awhile back and I was able to adopt a sibling group. Since I can remember I always wanted to be a mom more than a wife. So when I got closer to 30, I pursued becoming a mom. So I have the kiddos without the man.

[GoldieLox]

It sounds like he had a few chances to be with you over the past years. I think that unfortunately, you're going to have to get past the "we are meant to be together" stuff. I think it's only prolonging your pain. I think you should try and detatch and find a man whom you can still have amazing sex with but who loves enough to be with you. See an individual counselor to help with the process, 9 years is a long time. You have to break the cycle somehow.

[Sassy Girl]

So he's been single at times and still hasn't chosen you?

 

How does that make you feel?

 

After 7 years if he has been single and never made it exclusive, he never will. Your grasping at straws and he is stealing your best years. Actually, you're just handing them right over. You will have a ton of regret one day. Better to end this sooner rather than later and salvage what you can of your life.

[Ruffian1]

This man is just using you.

 

 

Gather up your dignity girl, and get the hell away from him.

 

 

And stay away. He is just a serial cheater anyway.

 

 

Find someone who treats you better.

[mokamint7]

He was single for almost a year. I was actually with someone else when he was single. We didn't talk at all. When we started talking again he was dating or friends with the woman he's with now. But that doesn't matter because you are all right. He's using me, we weren't meant to be, I'll regret it later (actually now), and I'm giving it away. All things I need to read to slap some sense into me. Stumbling upon this site will surely help me stop seeing him...hopefully. The problem is staying away for good. I remember now that I actually stayed away for over two years. But I eventually went back. I guess its just NC and one day at a time. This time I'll block him from social media along with blocking his number.

 

Question: (probably a dumb one): Isn't it mean to just one day stop talking to him. I've done that to him plenty of times before and when I do go back he always says how much that hurts and that he'd never do that to me. I always feel bad for doing that because I wouldn't want him to do that to me. So is just one day stop answering his text okay or just mean? Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and for the honesty.

[gettingstronger]

Question: (probably a dumb one): Isn't it mean to just one day stop talking to him. I've done that to him plenty of times before and when I do go back he always says how much that hurts and that he'd never do that to me. I always feel bad for doing that because I wouldn't want him to do that to me. So is just one day stop answering his text okay or just mean? Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and for the honesty.

 

 

Wait- what? He talks about your actions making HIM feel badly- look at how he treats you and the other women in his life- the answer is right there-

[Chasing_mya]

You've allowed 9 years of your life to be manipulated and used by this man that clearly does not love you. Time and time again there was opportunity for you both to be a couple and he never once considered making that possible.

 

You said: I keep thinking that since it's been this long surely we're meant to be together at some point.

Its been going on this long because you allow it to. You never owned your strength and left him for good. Each time he came back with a lame excuse and you welcomed him back with open arms. Of course he continues to come back. He gets sex from you and whatever else without any effort. He will never make you his wife because of this. Please don't waste another 9 years on a man that doesn't value you. Seek individual counseling, block him from everything & let him go. He's toxic for you and blocking your path for growth.

 

Question: (probably a dumb one): Isn't it mean to just one day stop talking to him. I've done that to him plenty of times before and when I do go back he always says how much that hurts and that he'd never do that to me. I always feel bad for doing that because I wouldn't want him to do that to me. So is just one day stop answering his text okay or just mean? Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and for the honesty.

 

*To answer your question...You don't OWE him ANYTHING. He's here telling you about HIS hurt feelings but what about YOURS. Don't make this about him, its about YOU and what YOU allow. Stop caring what he thinks or feels. When he's with the other woman trust me he's not thinking about his feelings being 'hurt'.

Edited April 17, 2015 by Chasing_mya

[whichwayisup]

I'm so very much in love with him and I keep thinking that since it's been this long surely we're meant to be together at some point.

 

8-9 years and he hasn't left his common law spouse, whom he has children with. Doesn't that say something?

 

I assume you want kids of your own someday, a husband, a house, a life built with someone you can grow old with? If you stay in this affair that's all it'll ever be, an affair.

 

I wish you strength and courage to end it.

[the_artist_1970]

He was single for almost a year. I was actually with someone else when he was single. We didn't talk at all. When we started talking again he was dating or friends with the woman he's with now. But that doesn't matter because you are all right. He's using me, we weren't meant to be, I'll regret it later (actually now), and I'm giving it away. All things I need to read to slap some sense into me. Stumbling upon this site will surely help me stop seeing him...hopefully. The problem is staying away for good. I remember now that I actually stayed away for over two years. But I eventually went back. I guess its just NC and one day at a time. This time I'll block him from social media along with blocking his number.

 

Question: (probably a dumb one): Isn't it mean to just one day stop talking to him. I've done that to him plenty of times before and when I do go back he always says how much that hurts and that he'd never do that to me. I always feel bad for doing that because I wouldn't want him to do that to me. So is just one day stop answering his text okay or just mean? Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and for the honesty.

 

What's mean is this man using women as a recycle bin. It's not mean to stand up for yourself and take back your dignity. Unfortunately he will never respect you enough to ever make you his wife because you haven't respected yourself enough to not allow him to use your body. You really don't know how precious your body is and how you should only bring ppl into your life who will respect and take care of your body and soul. You hide out in the corners of this man's life and allow him to use your body when he wants it. That's sad.

 

You think s*x is so good with him, imagine having great s*x with a man you are not sharing and you don't have to be hidden and can enjoy the many wonderful things that couples do out in the open. Why are you really hiding in the shadows? Don't tell yourself it's love because when you are truly in love you want EVERYONE to know. Love is not hidden.

[Grapesofwrath]

Question: (probably a dumb one): Isn't it mean to just one day stop talking to him. I've done that to him plenty of times before and when I do go back he always says how much that hurts and that he'd never do that to me. I always feel bad for doing that because I wouldn't want him to do that to me. So is just one day stop answering his text okay or just mean? Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and for the honesty.

 

You can avoid this problem by sending him one final text, email, or whatever that is short and to the point, "We're done. I don't want to hear from you again. Goodbye." (using your words, but really quick like that.) Then you go NC.

 

I suggest this NOT as a way to protect or care for his feelings, which I agree don't matter in this situation, but rather to relieve you of the burden of worrying that you have been "mean" by not saying good-bye.

 

If the two of you were "meant to be together" somehow, I think it would have happened by now. If he loved you in the healthy way that you deserve, he would move mountains to be with you. His actions show the role that you have in his life. I know it's painful to realize that, but it's best to accept it and move on.

 

Clearly, you are a giving and generous woman if you have taken on the role of foster mother to a sibling group. Find a man who is worthy of someone who does something like that.

[anika99]

Personally I don't like the idea of ending just by going silent. Only because that kind of thing feeds drama and tends to make the other person chase. I think you should handle this like an adult and send him message stating that you are done with this and you no longer wish to have any contact with him. Then you go silent and ignore him.

[pheonixrisen]

What's mean here is his treatment of you....so every time a woman decides to give him the time of day he drops you...you don't mean much to him except a good lay he gets between his serious gf. ...Please don't delude yourself into thinking if you are this long together it's meant to be blah blah...you are only together because you allow yourself to be used.

 

I read this a lot here his family likes me his friends like me so I am sure he loves me and he will see it in time we are meant to be together ...this is so delusional this is not a popularity contest ...of which woman they like ..They like who ever is beneficial for them tomorrow someone else takes your place and loyalty shifts ....

 

Please stop ...sometimes it's best to go cold turkey and let your feelings catch up later For your own sanity ...you just caught up with the wrong guy ...and you should not think about how he feels and what hurts him ...focus on protecting yourself only it's time to get really selfish and focus on yourself .

[sunburned]

I actually have three young kiddos. I become a foster parent awhile back and I was able to adopt a sibling group. Since I can remember I always wanted to be a mom more than a wife. So when I got closer to 30, I pursued becoming a mom. So I have the kiddos without the man.

 

That's really admirable, mokamint. Anyone with this sort of fortitude, compassion and sense of responsibility should be able to let go of a dead end relationship. It won't be easy but neither is being a single mom. So, even if you're not itching to have kids right now, you may decide you want one down the road with a man you love and who loves you. This guy isn't it. As sassygirl said, he's stealing your best years. Or worse -- you're giving them away.

Edited April 17, 2015 by sunburned
typos

[georgia girl]

While I don't think you owe him anything, if you want to send one last message keep it simple and FIRMLY close the door. I would also recommend standing up for yourself in the message. "I am sorry but I am officially cutting ties with you. After you get this message, I wi have blocked all forms of communication with you. Please respect my decision and leave me alone. I made this decision for me and my family and while painful, it's final. Thank you."

 

Mokamint, as an aside, right after I went no contact with my ex-boyfriend (who was single but he was an addiction to me), I met my incredible husband. Better is out there waiting for you if you give him a real and honest chance of finding you.

[sandylee1]

From what you've said, he sees you as just a woman to sleep with. He would never want to date you seriously and tbh he's not someone you should want to be with. He's a player, who gets his family involved with his cheating. That says a lot about them IMO.

 

If a relative of mine asked for a friend's number while he was with someone, I'd say no way. Don't mess my friend around while you have a GF. So I wonder what it is about you, that made your friend think this was okay, or something you'd be open to?

 

Don't waste any more of your time with this selfish man, who thinks he can cheat and you can't date. This guy sees you as an easy lay, who he can pick and drop when it suits him. The thing is you've let him do just that.

 

Block him on FB and any other avenue of contact he has. Tell your friend you don't want any messages passed on from him and move on for good.

 

I know exactly the type of guy he is. Being good in the sack doesn't give a free pass to do what he does. I'm sure you can do so much better than him. Don't go there again, he ain't worth it.

 

I was going to say something else. ...but I'll leave it there in case I violate the rules. Way back in the day, I came across guys like this.

[mokamint7]

Thank you all very much for your thought and insights. I've learned more reading through the post than I have in the last 9 years. I appreciate it very much.