MissTakes Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 ... And I use "splitting" very intentionally, rather than "leaving," because the truth is that I have no idea what's going on. If you don't know my back story: I was involved with a MM almost 2 years ago for about 3 months. I live halfway across the country now, but I still see him and need to interact with him in a business capacity on a semi-regular basis. I tried NC, but it didn't work because of our close business ties. That said, I've been really doing well lately. In fact, the last time I saw him, we went out for a business lunch, and I actually called my best friend afterwards to celebrate the fact that it didn't feel like my heart was being ripped out by simply sitting across from him. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was okay. That then. This is now. A few days ago, I got a message from him telling me that him and his wife are "splitting" and asking me not to say anything, lest the situation get more messy than it's already sure to be. I didn't ask any questions or make any promises. It's been a long time since I've been involved with him, and I've done a lot of work to keep from being involved in his life. I have no interest in getting involved now, at the messiest possible time. I plan to stay as far away from this as I possibly can. Which might not be far - but a girl can dream, right? That said... OMG I AM FREAKING OUT. WHAT. I JUST WANT TO KNOW SO BADLY WHAT HAPPENED AND WHY NOW AND WHO INSTIGATED THE SPLIT AND WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT AND HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT IT AND... AHH! Please, calm me down. I don't know how -- tell me your stories of how they always go back to their wives so I'm freaking out over something that's never going to happen anyway. Or how he just wants to keep me quiet but I'm nothing special. I don't know! Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 He's asking you to not say anything lest the situation gets more messy....? No. look. he's still a liar, he's still trying to manipulate things to his advantage. he doesn't want the schytt to hit the fan, because that would make him culpable. He phrases it as 'splitting'. This implies that the actions are mutual, and it's by them both being in agreement that it would be for the best. He doesn't say 'We're getting DIVORCED", or 'She's filed', or 'She has thrown me out'.... So he doesn't want you rocking the baot or revealing anything that would give her more muscle. he's using you again. And manipulating bot you and his wife. You're absolutely right to stay away from this, as far as you can. Your intentions are A-100% correct. But see his motive. It's deceitful and all with his own best interests at heart..... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Seriously? You had a 3 month fling over 2 years ago. It's time to move on. Quit obsessing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) I understand you have limited contact because you need to communicate for business reasons, but how strictly do you enforce this 'business only' communication? The reason I ask is that if you are treating him in a totally 'professional colleague' type of way I'm curious as to why he would volunteer this personal information to you. My gut tells me he's baiting you to see what kind of reaction he gets... especially since he's followed it up with 'don't tell anyone'. Won't everyone find out soon enough anyway if it is indeed true? Why wouldn't he just wait until word got around to you on the grapevine? I'd tread with EXTREME caution and would pretend he never said it and carry on as if he hadn't. For no other reason than as you have already demonstrated, this will send you into a total mental spin wondering what is going on. Not healthy or helpful to you. Edited April 17, 2015 by Gloria_Smellons 5 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Patience! If he is indeed splitting you will most likely have your answers before long. It sounds like he is "managing" his situation by asking you not to tell anyone. If he's splitting, there is probably a good reason. Who knows how many flings he's had. Do not give him the satisfaction of thinking you care. Ignore him. If things are falling apart he will need someone to validate his sorry sense of importance. Don't be that person, for your own good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 BS in reconciliation here- Reconciliation is a long process- experts say 3-5 years- if you had a dday and the wife found out about it 2 years ago it would not be odd that 2 years in to it they decided it was just too much to overcome- If you did not have a dday, its possible he had another affair and got caught and they split or it could just be that they have decided to split- No matter what, you are wise to steer clear until the divorce is inked- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Why would he contact you to let you know that info? Is it to give you hope that you both can have something together? Why do you even care if they are splitting or not? Do you want to possibly pursue something with him? I wouldn't put too much thought into what he said. The split can be temporary and in a matter of weeks or months he can be right back with his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I was involved with a MM almost 2 years ago for about 3 months. You seem really invested in someone for such a short period of time, 2 years ago. I don't mean that meanly but to want to know all the details of his personal life, the why's and how's of his marriage breaking up and hoping that possibly you two will end up together? Respectfully move on and don't hope for him to come crawling to you in the future. The guy is a known cheater, probably has had other affairs and his wife caught him and kicked him out. Why waste your love and energy on a guy that hasn't been in your life for 2 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Since a single woman for that period of time in my locale would be a breathtakingly scarce commodity, I have to ask how many men have asked you on dates in the two years since this affair occurred? As a fMM and having plenty of contact with MW's in my life, I interpret his 'message' as a fishing expedition with mind-fµck overtones. Psssst, can you keep a secret? Yep, it feels all intimate and squishy. Not bad. IMO, keep the business stuff business and say yes to the guys who ask you on dates. This MM is one of billions and, yup, married couples split up and divorce every second somewhere on the planet. Unremarkable. If he becomes divorced and flies across the country to visit you, see how you feel then. Good luck! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 I agree with many of the previous posters. I think he asked you to "keep this secret" because it creates a bond between the two of you. It manufactures a sense of intimacy because you now think you are privy to private information that he doesn't share with others. If he is, in fact, splitting from his wife, I promise that other people know about it. He may also be testing the waters to see if you will keep quiet about what occurred in the past, in case his wife's lawyer rings you up. (Depending on whether you live in a no-fault state, a history of infidelity may become a legal issue in their divorce settlement.) I also agree that he may be looking for a soft place to land. If you had an affair with him 2 years ago, and he was able to go back to business as usual for that period of time, he might be taking your temperature to see if you're willing to revive the affair and provide some relief. Ultimately, this is about him and his needs/wants. Nothing here says he cares about you. Try to focus on your own life. And say "yes" to those invitations that come your way from men who interest you, even a little. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) ... And I use "splitting" very intentionally, rather than "leaving," because the truth is that I have no idea what's going on. If you don't know my back story: I was involved with a MM almost 2 years ago for about 3 months. I live halfway across the country now, but I still see him and need to interact with him in a business capacity on a semi-regular basis. I tried NC, but it didn't work because of our close business ties. That said, I've been really doing well lately. In fact, the last time I saw him, we went out for a business lunch, and I actually called my best friend afterwards to celebrate the fact that it didn't feel like my heart was being ripped out by simply sitting across from him. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was okay. That then. This is now. A few days ago, I got a message from him telling me that him and his wife are "splitting" and asking me not to say anything, lest the situation get more messy than it's already sure to be. I didn't ask any questions or make any promises. It's been a long time since I've been involved with him, and I've done a lot of work to keep from being involved in his life. I have no interest in getting involved now, at the messiest possible time. I plan to stay as far away from this as I possibly can. Which might not be far - but a girl can dream, right? That said... OMG I AM FREAKING OUT. WHAT. I JUST WANT TO KNOW SO BADLY WHAT HAPPENED AND WHY NOW AND WHO INSTIGATED THE SPLIT AND WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT AND HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT IT AND... AHH! Please, calm me down. I don't know how -- tell me your stories of how they always go back to their wives so I'm freaking out over something that's never going to happen anyway. Or how he just wants to keep me quiet but I'm nothing special. I don't know! I find what he did odd. Why did he tell you this and also why ask you to keep it quiet? It seems bizarre and seems to serve no purpose other than perhaps to get your head spinning (which it has). I think he's simply feeling you out with this tactic. I'd pretend like he never told me anything. He has given you zero details so I'd do the opposite of what you're doing and never think of it again as well as avoid thinking about being with him until at some point he has a open, common knowledge split or divorce. But this whole secret split where he is texting you only about it but you should not say anything is shady, it's insensitive towards you and it is in the same style as the secret affair drama....I'd avoid it personally. Until he has an open split where everyone knows about it, him texting you they are splitting up with no details is no different than the MM who tell their OW they are divorcing while still in the A with no proof *shrug*. Don't get sidetracked based on a text. I'm really thinking that that's the point of the text, for him to see if you're still open for an A by planting this in your head and having this secret between you two so he can up the ante later. But I'd continue as though he had never said it, because for all intents and purposes it's unconfirmed and it hasn't really anything to do with you since the A is over, so I'd leave it alone and not disrupt your peace of mind for something which may very well mean nothing. Edited April 17, 2015 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Sometimes a separated married person will shack up for a few weeks with an OW or OM. It seems to me they were going to go back to their spouse anyway and just took a vacation in their paramour's arms. Or maybe they were looking for the real thing and as in the single dating world it takes throwing a few fish back to catch the one. Just because they're the marrying kind doesn't mean they'll marry the first person they date after their spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTakes Posted April 18, 2015 Author Share Posted April 18, 2015 I'd pretend like he never told me anything. He has given you zero details so I'd do the opposite of what you're doing and never think of it again as well as avoid thinking about being with him until at some point he has a open, common knowledge split or divorce. But this whole secret split where he is texting you only about it but you should not say anything is shady, it's insensitive towards you and it is in the same style as the secret affair drama....I'd avoid it personally. Until he has an open split where everyone knows about it, him texting you they are splitting up with no details is no different than the MM who tell their OW they are divorcing while still in the A with no proof *shrug*. This is exactly what my plan has been to do from the start. I haven't thought too much about what his motivations are for sending me the message - and that might be because I still believe him too much, but I'd like to think it's because to me, it genuinely doesn't matter what the motivations are. Okay, he sent this message. This is supposedly what's going on. I've never had any intention of revealing to anyone what happened between him and I, so his request is somewhat superfluous. I have no interest in being involved with whatever is going on, so I'm acting as if I have no idea what's going on, and will continue to behave as if everything is perfectly normal unless someone else - that is, someone other than him - gives me cause to believe otherwise. And even then, frankly, in my opinion, it doesn't involve me. I'd like to think my curiosity about what happened is just the general curiosity that I have whenever I hear that someone I know is separating from their spouse. Whatever happened, I honestly find it really sad. And also like watching a train wreck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Seriously? You had a 3 month fling over 2 years ago. It's time to move on. Quit obsessing. 100% agree. 3 month affair from 2 years ago and you are freaking out??? I'd like to think my curiosity about what happened is just the general curiosity that I have whenever I hear that someone I know is separating from their spouse. Whatever happened, I honestly find it really sad. And also like watching a train wreck. Why do you care about his situation - are you hoping to restart the affair? I don't think it's "normal" to be this freaked out about an ex's situation when the affair was 3 months long and ended YEARS ago. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) tell him to come back once the ink is dry on the divorce papers, if he keeps on at you you could email him, but his wife might see a pandora's box if she is snooping, which goes on a lot in flaky marriages Edited April 19, 2015 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts