Divorcing with 3 kids - can one live together divorced for the sake of the kids. how?

[SwissParent]

Can it be done or am I crazy? - Im really after other peoples experiences, but will give a nice long intro so mayb you can see if you can advise well. I appreciate this is my perspective of my wife and thus may be slightly biased and state anything negative with the best of intensions to find a decent solution.

 

Our lives together started with love at first sight, a deep connection. My wife at the time was a bit weak, recovering from growing up in a badly abusive family, bulimic but had been in councelling for a while and was at the end of her most serious struggles, well educated good looking doing welll at work, widely loved energetic. Extraverted.

 

Im very rational ambitious intelligent direct critical and have my list of insecurities, need a lot of reinforcement and/or success.

 

We had 3 amazing kids over the years, my wife developed herself into a really senior business lady, very career focused. So she started a bit weak and is now a really powerful person. She has done well at work, I have done well and the kids have done well.

 

The relationship has suffered. My wife is very sensitive I a critical and her background means she came from a very controlling environment where she was badly hurt and critisided a lot and obviously my direct approach did a lot of damage. As we were busy and she is not a big communicator I ignored the signs of her pain as for me problems are dealt with forgiveness for loved people is normal and in love one moves forwards. This is a foreign concept for her and pain is stored and there is no such thing as total forgiveness.

 

I realise now she stopped loving me a long time ago, the lack of love was driving me mad, making me grumpy and more 'abusive' and now we are in a situation where she has so much stored up bagage when thinking about me that love is never going to come back. I have concluded she will never get over the hurt inside her. I am responsible for a lot of it but also her background which she never dealt with fully has compounded it to a point where it is just hopeless. We tried councelling, got nowhere and only afterwards did she share that she had never been engage in the process and blamed the councelor for not picking this up. She cant want to love me any longer and I believe her.

 

Thus I need to conclude we are despite all the best intention just not able to make each other happy. I cant change her and she will never change me as without her being able to forgive, any even minor critisism from me will always bring up the basket of hurt she carries with her.

 

I think she is an amzing person still, great mother and if we could forgive and move on we could be happy but I also dont beieve she is capable of forgiving. So we agreed to seperate, But kids are 12,9 and 3 and we both want them and both are good parents and want our kids to have an engaged mom and dad.

 

Making the kids compromise is in our oppinion not fair so we are thinking about whether it is possible to live in the same (very big) house for the sake of the kids, yet have seperate lives outside the house. Financially all is well. House is great and has space but of course its one kitchen, dining room etc. We can afford 2 such houses.

 

Has anyone ever come across this sort of arrangement working? If so how did it work, what sort of arranegements and agreements helped how does one solve conflict?

 

I am worried that the issues are still there we had in the mariage, so can we live close and ignore them as we take them less serious as they are now a seperate persons problems and not ours?

[PegNosePete]

It is much better for the kids to have 2 happy homes, than 1 miserable one.

 

How will you feel when your wife meets a new partner and wants him to come round to the house to meet the kids and have a family dinner? How will your wife feel when your new GF wants to come round? How will your new GF feel when she sees this crazy living arrangement? (Clue: she will run a mile)

 

When the marriage is clearly over it always makes sense to divorce and separate properly. Living in the same house may be good for the short term to save money while the divorce is in progress but as a long term solution it is simply not viable especially when new partners come into the scene.

Edited April 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[minimariah]

...anyone ever come across this sort of arrangement working? If so how did it work, what sort of arranegements and agreements helped how does one solve conflict?

 

it can be done - absolutely. my parents did it for about 5 years, eventually divorced & they have an amazing relationship today.

 

my good friend lives that life with her husband - they're roommates, basically. they lead separate lives, are friends but are staying together for the sake of their small child because they want to raise the baby under one roof.

 

you can work on your problems, i recommend counseling. just work through your issues in order to become good friends. it can definitely be done, especially when there is no romantic love between the partners anymore - in that case, neither one of you won't really care about love life of the other.

 

how does one solve conflict? by learning how to communicate. your relationship might even become better because you have nothing to lose now - the M is over and people tend to be more open and honest in a situation like that. you're basically rebuilding a totally new relationship, from the scratch. and again - counseling.

[No Limit]

A dysfunctional family isn't productive or children, single household or not.

[loveboid]

I saw on tv a community where multiple families live in one house and the community had lots of these houses. They all had dinner together and all the kids from the different houses did the dishes. It seemed very loving and fun to me for the kids. The parents were more relaxed because they backed each other up.

 

It's not exactly your situation. But raising a family is work and it's nice to have help.

 

I don't think your parenting broke, just your marriage. So continuing with what's not broken could succeed.

[LoveMyCat]

I guess I do not see the point of a divorce, only to live together.

Living with another person is difficult enough with the love and feelings that go along with a good relationship...impossible without, Imo.

 

Are you each planning to date others?

 

Why not stay married until they leave home?

Or split up and make a new second home for the kids.

Living with the ex should be a last resort...but jmo.

Not sure how kids would understand that...if you can live together, why not stay married? Especially when the issue is not financial...it just sounds like a bad idea to me.

Edited April 17, 2015 by LoveMyCat

[Esraem]

I have a friend who does this. They also still take family vacations. I dont know how it could work.

[sandylee1]

I've heard of it happening, but it makes dating very difficult. I wouldn't date a divorced man living with his wife.

 

Far better to get another house close by , so the kids can see you both easily. You need to move on.

[Poppyolive]

I work with kids. I've seen the arrangement of keeping the kids in the house, parents take one week turns living there. Both separately having their own rented locations. The week in the house is time spent with the kids, on changeover days, a big brunch is had together. United front and priority being the kids. Co parenting schedules drawn up.

 

Ive spoke yo the kids, no 8 & 11, they are very happy with this set up. Happier than when their parents both lived there, unhappy.

Edited April 18, 2015 by Poppyolive

[SLee]

I can only speak as a child of divorce in this situation, I hope my insight is helpful.

 

My parents got married for my sake, thinking it'd be better to have two married parents than two separate parenting units. BIG MISTAKE. Both my parents were miserable throughout most of my childhood, even though my childhood wasn't bad at all and they're both wonderful parents. Then when they weren't together, it got worse, again they did it for my sake. Their intentions were good. Then another man came along for my mom and it was even worse. My dad was online dating too and it just caused so much friction between them, it was awful for me. I was miserable.

 

Eventually my parents did move out and leave. I was 13 when that happened, and full of raging teenage hormones. There were hard times, (my dad had financial issues and I didn't get along with my step dad and other messy details that aren't important.), but looking on it now, being a bit older, I'm glad they did. Yes, I had to move and my childhood was kind of uprooted, but kids are strong and resilient. They WILL be okay, and if they are upset (which I can imagine is heartbreaking for a parent) with a little wisdom and time, they will see how it was for the best.

 

The key for me was that there was NO custody battle. Technically it was 50/50, but my parents were really chill about it and I could see either of them whenever I wanted and spend as much time as I wanted, just had to ask. My step siblings were involved in horrible custody battles and it just made their situation so awful. I was fortunate in that my parents only lived 15 minutes apart from each other so that made this easy.

 

A while back, a friend of friend's family were financially well off enough to keep their house and live in separate places, similar to what poppyolive said. The kids stayed in the house and the parents would switch out, one parent having two weeks and the other having the other two weeks. I don't know how that turned out in the long run, but at the time the kids got to stay in their own environment. Not sure how that went on a long term level.

 

It'll be healthier for both of you in the long run to live apart. Eventually another love interest is bound to come along for both of you and it just gets so much worse if/when that happens.

 

There are lots of ways to do it that keep the kids at the center. My advice, again, only speaking as a child of divorce is this:

 

-NO custody battles. Allow your kids to freely spend time with whomever they want for as long as they want.

-NO nasty comments about the other parent in front of them. Kids love both their parents. That hurts them deeply. Complete civility is ideal.

-Live not too far from each other if you can. It's really comforting for the kids.

 

Family units cover the entire spectrum. Divorce is never "fun" for anyone involved, but it can work and your kids can still feel supported and loved. There's all sorts of ways to go about it and just do what's best for your kids and for you.