My daughter has a stalker

[autumnnight]

So, it took her a little while to tell me because she thought maybe it was her imagination.

 

When they were in a mini-mester course, he just tried to talk to her and be where she was all the time, and she thought once the course was over it would stop. He ended up in restaurants where she was, and one he just sat at a table next to her group staring at them. Finally one of the people called him on it, and he left, but he was still standing outside when they left.

 

He follows her to the student union. She always sits where there are other people so that he can't sit beside her, so now he sits or stands across the room and stares her down. He had also cropped a class group photo so that it was just the two of them and made it his profile photo, but she convinced him to take it off.

 

He apparently did this with another girl last year. I am not sure what to tell her beyond be aware of her surroundings and don't be alone. She already has mace, and she's not frail, but it does understandably bother her a lot. The campus security cannot really do anything because all he really does it stare and follow. He doesn't outright threaten.

 

It frustrates me for her, and I feel empathy because I know what it is like to have someone (or someones) obsessed with you for no psychologically sound reason. Any thoughts as to how I can support her? She refuses to drop out of anything because she won't give him the satisfaction.

[Bohonia]

She needs to be careful and document everything. Make sure she is NEVER alone. The guy obviously has issues and is obsessed with what ever fantasy he has regarding her. Support her, maybe she should take some self defense classes.

[Timshel]

Hi autumnnight, first, as a mother, I understand this is worrisome for you. It sounds like so far you both are doing all the right things: Not alone, locking doors/windows (often overlooked), mace, alert of surroundings and talking to campus police. I would suggest filing a report with the local police dept. as well. They may not be able to issue a restraining order but in situations that are somewhat ambivalent as this, the more authorities with information the better. They are able to act more quickly and harmoniously with campus authorities with compatible information. Also, not to alarm you, if an emergency happens, 911 will be called.

If she can stand it, social media should be locked down. How does he know where she is or going to be? Is he following her or seeing it on social media?

[jen1447]

If he's following her around and staring at her, that should easily meet the definition of stalking, which is illegal. You're not at liberty to just follow people around without a legitimate purpose. You should definitely go the police. At the very least, they should contact him to inquire what his problem is and size him up (police departments generally take these kinds of things very seriously - at least ones that aren't already spread too thin), and like Timshel says, you're getting it all on the record, which is a good thing.

[Timshel]

Also, campus administration or police/local authorities should notify the parents of this boy's behavior. He may not be a minor but as a continuing student if he were my son I would want to know yesterday. I would intervene immediately and his parents should be given that opportunity.

[whichwayisup]

Also, campus administration or police/local authorities should notify the parents of this boy's behavior. He may not be a minor but as a continuing student if he were my son I would want to know yesterday. I would intervene immediately and his parents should be given that opportunity.

I agree. Get to your local police station and file a report, see what they suggest to do.

 

Also, have you (and your daughter) spoken to the other girl who was on the receiving end of this stalker guy? Find out how she handled it.

[amaysngrace]

Tell her to get a picture of him with her phone every time he's around.

[Rainbowlove]

I haven't read all the responses, so if I repeat, I apologize.

 

It's very likely this guy has had similar issues and has been in trouble on campus before - he probably has had disciplinary action on his student record as well.

 

Have her go to the Dean of Students immediately.

 

Don't mess around with this guy. Nip it now.

 

Best of luck.

[autumnnight]

I haven't read all the responses, so if I repeat, I apologize.

 

It's very likely this guy has had similar issues and has been in trouble on campus before - he probably has had disciplinary action on his student record as well.

 

Have her go to the Dean of Students immediately.

 

Don't mess around with this guy. Nip it now.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thanks for the responses. He did have this same problem last year with the same class (he flunked it before).

 

The thing that really bothered me was that she told me when she and her friends were leaving that restaurant, he was kicking the back bumper of his truck with an angry look on his face. That means he CAN lose his temper. I am going to tell her to go to the dean on Monday. If she wants me to I'll go with her.

 

She has her FB set to the highest privacy and has never had an actual picture of her as her profile photo - it is usually some character. So that's good.

[whichwayisup]

Make sure she has her photo privacy set that if someone tags her, only she can see it, nobody else.

 

Do go with her to see the Dean.

[Methodical]

She thought once the course was over it would stop. He ended up in restaurants where she was, and one he just sat at a table next to her group staring at them. Finally one of the people called him on it, and he left, but he was still standing outside when they left.

 

He follows her to the student union. She always sits where there are other people so that he can't sit beside her, so now he sits or stands across the room and stares her down. He had also cropped a class group photo so that it was just the two of them and made it his profile photo, but she convinced him to take it off.

 

He apparently did this with another girl last year. I am not sure what to tell her beyond be aware of her surroundings and don't be alone. She already has mace, and she's not frail, but it does understandably bother her a lot. The campus security cannot really do anything because all he really does it stare and follow. He doesn't outright threaten.

 

It frustrates me for her, and I feel empathy because I know what it is like to have someone (or someones) obsessed with you for no psychologically sound reason. Any thoughts as to how I can support her? She refuses to drop out of anything because she won't give him the satisfaction.

 

Gather as much info. as possible concerning the girl he stalked last year. How far did this guy go to keep her within his sight? How often? Did she report him? How did your daughter find out that he has done this before? (That may be a good source to gather more data from.) If his behavior has been reported and documented, and he continues to demonstrate offensive conduct, the established pattern might get him removed from the campus.

 

He may not have verbalized a threat, but continuously following and staring, cropping photos and posting them as profile pics. is tangible proof of his obsession.

 

She is covering her bases, but if a situation arises where she finds herself alone, she should call campus security to escort her. Also, she should carry the mace on her, not in a purse. Keep doors and windows locked and blinds pulled when she's at home (not sure if she's in a dorm or apartment).

 

By all means, follow thru on reporting him.

[preraph]

I know a lot about stalkers, and this is serious, so you must take action and so must she. First of all, you need to keep bothering campus security about this because it is not true they can't do anything. I do know colleges have the reputation for trying to gloss over all this stuff, including rape and murder, but you stay on them and get an attorney if need be. There are stalking laws on the books in, last I checked, 48 states in the U.S., so YES, they CAN do something about it. All you have to show is a pattern of harassment, and following someone physically OR electronically is harassment. Go to the local police as well. Yes, they will tell you there's been no threats. Pull up your state law on stalking and print it off and take it with you and read it to them if need be. There does not have to be threats to pick this guy up. She needs to write down dates and times every time this happens, any sightings, any contact. If he speaks to her, she needs to tell him she wants no further contact with him. You personally need to check her phone and her Facebook, Instagram and all other accounts of hers and be sure this guy is not on it -- because he probably is and he is probably on there under a pseudonym. You are smart enough to figure that out. Tell her you need her password until this is resolved and that you are not playing around. Confiscate all her stuff if she doesn't cooperate.

 

These stalkers are obsessed and can be very dangerous. It was exactly this type of behavior that preceded many campus murders. Please do not minimize this. If you can't get him expelled, pull her out of school. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if this was my daughter.

 

If no one cooperates, go to the campus newspaper, the local tv stations, and the local town newspaper and let them blast it all over and embarrass those who refuse to act. Sometimes this is the ONLY way to get action.

 

And please don't let anyone tell you this is "love sickness." There is no such thing. This is mental instability and obsession and it's dangerous.

[littleplanet]

I don't know what kind of campus she attends, but I'd seriously question that campus security can't do anything. Does the institution have campus police?

I work in a very large unversity.

My campus police would turf this guy's ass out of there lickety split. No problem. (aided by security alerts, after it had been reported to them.)

 

Your daughter is having a lousy educational experience, all because the dude is having an endless Pepe LePew fantasy.

Not to mention the fact that he is on record as having done this to another female student the year previously?

 

A strong student union would never put up with it.

Campuses.....are one place where young women's concerns for safety are taken seriously.....based on the simple premise that no student, male or female, should have their personal well-being or their successful completion of studies threatened by the actions of another. Academic policy is very clear on that.

If not.....then I would question the validity of the institution.

 

Has this been reported to a proper police force? It probably should be.

I understand that in all reality, and also in your daughter's estimation, perhaps the guy poses no serious actual threat.

But that is only part of the story. Even if the actual truth is that he is only a pest.....he can and should be deemed to be potentially threatening.

 

Something (whatever it is) is compelling him to act like a jerk.

No-one but him knows for sure (and maybe even he doesn't) know what his breaking point is.

Normal young men don't act like this. They just don't.

Which would lead to the conclusion that something is out of whack.

That should be the starting point, in dealing with him.

 

I don't know how many times I've told young female students in my workplace over the years, when reporting something of this sort to me (and acting embarrassed while doing so)

"You have the right to attend this institution and complete your working time here free from any harrassment, threat, or anything else that makes this a negative experience in your life."

 

Within reason - and of course acknowledging the fact that they are paying large amounts of cash for the privilege of earning credentials from us by working hard for it.

The fact that someone happens to be female, should not pose a hazard or a hardship. And for that matter, although I know that this pendulum occasionally swings the other way, it affects young women far more often than young men.

 

Good luck to her. I wish her well, and hope that someone in a position of authority can actually solve this problem for her.