Forgiving Myself

[GoldenHour]

It's been 3 months since DDay and NC. BH and I are working hard at our marriage. There's good days and bad. Still lots of questions. He says he has forgiven me because he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me in it. I am truly a lucky woman.

 

The thing is, I haven't even began to forgive myself. I look in the mirror and see an awful person who used to think so highly of herself. I used to be proud of the person staring back at me. I had morals, integrity, honesty. I lived the America dream. The person I see currently, is very different from my former self. I know my BH deserves better. He deserves to know how much he is loved, but how can I prove that when I did something so terrible? How did I do something so terrible? How will I ever forgive myself?

[Rainbowlove]

GoldenHour,

 

Self-forgiveness takes time.

 

I'm only just getting there and I'm a year and half post affair.

 

My wife forgave me, but I couldn't forgive myself. I beat myself up everyday.

 

My wife would say to me, if you can't forgive yourself, we'll never really be able to move on.

 

She was right...but like most things, I get there in my own time.

 

Time allowed me to get there.

 

Beating yourself up may be necessary, but not productive to you or your husband.

 

How would you treat your best friend in this situation? Would you call her trash? Would you tell her horrible things?

 

Or would you show her compassion? Love? And care?

 

Be your own best friend now.

[Josmatjes]

I'm almost a year dday and in still struggling with forgiving myself. It takes time...

[Friskyone4u]

The fact that you are here asking the question you asked about you forgiving yourself tells you why you will be able to do that . Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and whining about how difficult it is for you to be missing your OM , your main concern seems to be your healing of your husband and your marriage.

Very refreshing instead of the usual litany of why what you did was justified that we see too often.

You are only three months out . You probably know there are some bumps ahead for quite a while . If it has not already happened , at some point he is going to hit the anger stage and him telling you how much he adores you might not be what you are hearing then.

Sounds like you are doing the right things and seem truly remorseful. If it stays that way you will have good reason to forgive yourself

[loveboid]

Love and forgive yourself unconditionally. Atone by keep doing your best. Keep getting better.

[georgia girl]

Everyday, do two good things - no matter how small. One for your husband and one just for you. It can be as simple as telling him how much you appreciate him and for yourself, telling yourself one thing you still like about you.

 

Self forgiveness takes the longest time. You will get it but you will make yourself earn it. Good for you. That means you have the wherewithal to actually help you and your husband heal.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Love and forgive yourself unconditionally. Atone by keep doing your best. Keep getting better.

 

 

I don't really agree with the simplistic approach of unconditionally.

 

I do some what agree with atonement.

 

Ask yourself what you need to do to be able to forgive yourself. It might mean making conditions for yourself. Such as IC, working on figuring out where your vulnerabilities lie, finding new coping skills and USING them...etc.

 

There are some who never get to a place of self forgiveness. They do get to a place of forgiving the person they USED to be. Because the new SELF is that far removed from the old.

[GoldieLox]

I'm with you. I'm only a week and a half past d-day and already my husband is like... you need to stop beating yourself up. But I can't stop. I'm hoping IC helps me with this. I understand I brought this situation on myself 100%, but my husband never asked for it. He never asked for the hurt. It was not a choice, cause I'm pretty damn sure he wouldn't have chosen it. I'm also mad at myself for being vulnerable. Yes, I absolutely made a choice with no gun to my head, but I usually have walls up. I let them down and let someone else in. Now when I see xAP I hang my head because I'm so ashamed. It's really not healthy.

[gettingstronger]

2 years post dday and my husband still has not forgiven himself- it hurts my heart to see him beat himself up-it must be a slow process to reconcile your actions with who you want to be- keep going- I wish all of you peace and healing-

 

Experts say 3-5 years to truly reconcile a marriage after infidelity- that probably includes the WS reconciling their actions-

 

UGH- hang in there, please....

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm almost 5 years post dday. We did not make much of an attempt at reconciliation. We are divorced now, which was the right decision for us, but I have still not fully forgiven myself for having an exit EA. I have days when I understand why I did it, and I have made amends to those I harmed. But still...I regret it every day.

[Artie Lang]

i've read your prior thread concerning the exposure your affair received in and around your community. could this have anything to do with the self forgiveness you seek?

 

 

also, it seems like your husband was not your "typical" neglectful husband that most WW talk about when describing their lack-luster marriages, as well as justifying it(affair). maybe this adds another dimension of self-loathing... he really didn't deserve it. then again, who does?

Edited April 18, 2015 by Artie Lang

[Tayla]

Its a tough road because it takes so dern long . Healthy shame will lead to humility which will lead to forgiveness.

 

Til then, understand and accept fully your actions and its repercussions. They serve as a reminder that much work is still to come.

[SolG]

Golden, do you mind if I ask you a question? You quite clearly state HOW you see yourself; and that is through the prism of self-loathing at present. But I would like to ask WHO do you see yourself as?

 

I do find it interesting that there are some waywards that offend with MM/MW and spend a lot of time over here on the other forum. Some well into reconcilliation when they are clearly recovering waywards and no longer 'other' at all. Not that they're not welcome mind! But I do wonder sometimes if it's symptomatic of continuing to see themselves as 'other' in their own Ms to their detriment. As in a way continuing to label themselves as outside transgressors rather than making that mental transition to former wayward seeking to right past wrongs - past tense being an important distinction.

 

I really like gettingstronger's point about reconciling past actions with who you want to be. I think there is probably an important self perception step in the middle there somewhere on the way to becoming who you want to be. And that's accepting that you loathe your past actions and that you'll never repeat them, but also understanding that you are capable and worthy of redemption. That with hard work, you absolutely can be that person you want to be.

 

You must be, or why would someone as wonderful in your eyes as your H still love and cherish you so much?

 

Hey, I've never walked in your shoes or even similar OP. So I really have no idea! But you sound so sincere and your H so compassionate... It makes me feel hopeful for you

[Owl6118]

GoldenHour, for now and for some time to come you will be fully occupied with the hard, hard work of understanding yourself, of learning what it was about yourself that caused you to make choices which so violated your own integrity. You will be working to learn how your empathy for those closest to you became so impaired that you could make choices that hurt them so much as well as hurting yourself. And you will be working to help your husband understand what has happened and sharing with him what you are doing to heal yourself and make yourself safe for him.

 

But I wanted to offer you a glimmer of long-term hope. Something you can tuck away.

 

I am not a wayward. But I am an alcoholic, and I have also suffered from major depression--the kind of depression that ends careers in flames and leads to default on one's responsibilities to loved ones. Both are intensely shame-inducing to live through.

 

I have worked hard, so hard, to recover from both. And now, while I don't wear it on my sleeve or introduce it right off to casual strangers, it is totally known in my social circle, and pretty well known among close work colleagues, that I have suffered from both alcoholism and depression.

 

And this has become, for me, a blessing. From time to time people come to me in great pain, because they feel I will empathize. And I do empathize, and I feel grateful for the chance to offer them an ear, and what advice or help I can.

 

And for my part, I know people who have hurt others and themselves desperately--waywards, other alcoholics, other depressives. But the ones I know who have done the work to understand and heal themselves and make amends are some of the the most empathetic, compassionate, wise people I know. They are the people I turn to for advice. They are the people whose friendship I cherish and whose character I admire the most.

 

You can be such a person. And if you become such a person you will find so many chances for grace, to help others from the place of understanding and compassion you will have achieved.

[Bittersweetie]

There are some who never get to a place of self forgiveness. They do get to a place of forgiving the person they USED to be. Because the new SELF is that far removed from the old.

 

Golden, I'm five years out and still struggle with self forgiveness. I've accepted that what I've done is a part of my history; I've worked on myself and am a healthier, happier person; My H and I are still together, doing well, we now have a child.

 

But self forgiveness? When I look at my past actions I don't know how I can. I was so selfish and self centered and hurtful. And then sometimes I wonder if I haven't forgiven myself since it's my hairshirt, a reminder of the things I've done.

 

Looking at AlwaysGrowing's comment above, though, has given me some insight...maybe I need to self-forgive that person I was at that time. I'd been looking at self-forgiveness as this all-encompassing thing. I was a better person in the time before the A...I'm a better person now...maybe I need to let go of that hairshirt for now.

 

It's a long road Golden, good luck.

[GoldenHour]

Solg- I see myself as a happy, successful, good hearted person. Bubbly may be a good word. Confident, kind, compassionate. I just kind of feel like I've robbed myself of a lot of that as of late, but I am trying to bring her back. I'll admit that I may have some narcissistic qualities, unfortunately. I really didn't realize it until this whole ordeal with the A, but after, I see my thoughts and actions quite differently. And the reason I am on the "other" forum is simply because there seems to be more chatter over here, and I guess I think people will understand my situation a little more.

 

Artie- possibly. At the end of the day, I realize now more than ever that all I want is for my husband to forgive me, and us be happy and back to normal. However, I'd be lying if I didn't also admit that I want to be able to go out in public again without feeling like I should hold my head in shame. I know I've made a mistake and it will take time to recover from that, both personally and socially. I fear the inevitable confrontation that I know is to come when my husband finally comes face to face with the OM. And other confrontations from nosey people who like to chime in with thier two cents, in this small town. Also, to answer about my BH, he wasn't neglectful at all. He spends every waking moment working and making sure I am taken care of. I think there was a lack of an emotional connection, on my part, and that was something I had made him aware of many times. He always said I was crazy and that I am loved more than anyone possibly could be. I think for a brief moment, I thought there had to be more out there, but after the affair fog wore off, I realized that I really didn't even like the OM, but rather the attention he gave me.

 

Owl- thank you! That is a great way to look at things. I try to look at the people around me and gain knowledge and understanding from thier situations as well. I know I am not the only person to have made bad decisions in this life, but it's also not something I am accustomed to. I have lived a life with a squeaky clean slate, till now. Being talked about like that, complete humiliation, feeling wrong, it's just not a feeling I am familiar with, to this extent. It's a humbling experience, for sure. I know there is hope and understanding that will come.

 

I am still struggling with the thoughts of "what was I thinking?", "how in my right mind did I think this was a good idea?", "I love my husband so much, how did I do this to him?", "I don't even find the OM attractive, and I certainly didn't love him, why did I do/say those things?"

[Owl6118]

GH, you strike me a someone who sincerly wants to learn and heal. One thing you might do is poke around the Internet a little more. This is a good place, but there are some other good places that focus unambiguously on recovery and personal change.

[the_artist_1970]

Solg- I see myself as a happy, successful, good hearted person. Bubbly may be a good word. Confident, kind, compassionate. I just kind of feel like I've robbed myself of a lot of that as of late, but I am trying to bring her back. I'll admit that I may have some narcissistic qualities, unfortunately. I really didn't realize it until this whole ordeal with the A, but after, I see my thoughts and actions quite differently. And the reason I am on the "other" forum is simply because there seems to be more chatter over here, and I guess I think people will understand my situation a little more.

 

Artie- possibly. At the end of the day, I realize now more than ever that all I want is for my husband to forgive me, and us be happy and back to normal. However, I'd be lying if I didn't also admit that I want to be able to go out in public again without feeling like I should hold my head in shame. I know I've made a mistake and it will take time to recover from that, both personally and socially. I fear the inevitable confrontation that I know is to come when my husband finally comes face to face with the OM. And other confrontations from nosey people who like to chime in with thier two cents, in this small town. Also, to answer about my BH, he wasn't neglectful at all. He spends every waking moment working and making sure I am taken care of. I think there was a lack of an emotional connection, on my part, and that was something I had made him aware of many times. He always said I was crazy and that I am loved more than anyone possibly could be. I think for a brief moment, I thought there had to be more out there, but after the affair fog wore off, I realized that I really didn't even like the OM, but rather the attention he gave me.

 

Owl- thank you! That is a great way to look at things. I try to look at the people around me and gain knowledge and understanding from thier situations as well. I know I am not the only person to have made bad decisions in this life, but it's also not something I am accustomed to. I have lived a life with a squeaky clean slate, till now. Being talked about like that, complete humiliation, feeling wrong, it's just not a feeling I am familiar with, to this extent. It's a humbling experience, for sure. I know there is hope and understanding that will come.

 

I am still struggling with the thoughts of "what was I thinking?", "how in my right mind did I think this was a good idea?", "I love my husband so much, how did I do this to him?", "I don't even find the OM attractive, and I certainly didn't love him, why did I do/say those things?"

 

Golden, as much as I HATED my DH for his A, I hated even more how his A made him feel about himself. Like you, he was and is now a man with great character and integrity who always treated me and our family wonderful. After I got over my initial rage and I saw how bad he hurt that he not only let me down, he let himself down, I began to feel sad that my DH was in such a terrible place. My DH, like you, prides himself on how he treats ppl and during the 8 months of his A, he acted like a selfish, total arse wipe.

 

IC helped my DH to heal and find out why he fell so deep into the abyss. I realized that anyone can fall from grace and everyone deserves a second chance. Don't spend too much time worrying about the nosy ppl in your town, they all have skeletons and they have no right judging you. You are a human being who messed up really bad. That doesn't mean that you are not a better person because of it. Hold your head high and walk with dignity and honor. You are NOT your past.

[GoldenHour]

I was sure it would happen at some point. We have seen each other a few times in passing, but not a solid opportunity for him to try to talk to me. He waved at me last week, which I 100% ignored. Then there was yesterday. I was in a public place, sort of alone. I had clients with me following in another car. I exited my car and had no idea he was driving behind me as I turned around he was right there, driving slow and looked right at me and made a questionable facial expression. Almost like he was waiting to see what my reaction would be. I made eye contact with him, but not on purpose. As soon as I realized it was him, I turned away and started walking away from the direction he was driving. He drove down about another 100 yards and quickly turned around and drove back in my direction. I think at that point he realized I wasn't actually alone, and I refused to look his direction or make any kind of eye contact so he circled the park, and left. Now my head is spinning wondering why. Was he going to try to talk to me? And what should I have done?

[Josmatjes]

I was sure it would happen at some point. We have seen each other a few times in passing, but not a solid opportunity for him to try to talk to me. He waved at me last week, which I 100% ignored. Then there was yesterday. I was in a public place, sort of alone. I had clients with me following in another car. I exited my car and had no idea he was driving behind me as I turned around he was right there, driving slow and looked right at me and made a questionable facial expression. Almost like he was waiting to see what my reaction would be. I made eye contact with him, but not on purpose. As soon as I realized it was him, I turned away and started walking away from the direction he was driving. He drove down about another 100 yards and quickly turned around and drove back in my direction. I think at that point he realized I wasn't actually alone, and I refused to look his direction or make any kind of eye contact so he circled the park, and left. Now my head is spinning wondering why. Was he going to try to talk to me? And what should I have done?

 

I think you did the right thing. You are so brave, good for you.

Back to your other thread though, I have to tell you that I felt my a robbed me of myself too. I was happy, smiley confident, had lots of friends and then I lost myself also. We get so clouded we actually forget who we are, or we're before the a. I'm 1 year since my dday and I'm definitely better but I still have really bad days. I saw him at my daughters concert a few weeks back and it literally crushed me. I felt lost again. I thought I'd be further along by now, but you are a inspiration!

[Popsicle]

It sure seems tome that people who don't forgive themselves don't want to forgive themselves.

[GypsumSatellite]

It's not that you are a horrible person. You did a horrible thing, you let your guard slip, you ignored your boundaries - but that doesn't make you a horrible person. It's hard to get that self-hate narrative out of your head, but you need to keep looking yourself in the eye each day and saying "I'm getting better. I'm making better choices. I'm a better person than I was then. I will keep fighting to live that better life."

 

Sure, that sounds hokey - but it's a mantra you need. We all have weakness, we all have times in our lives where we make mistakes that have far reaching effects. You will get back to that place of higher self-love and acceptance. You will continue to work towards a loving and faithful marriage. You will succeed at this.

 

It doesn't happen overnight. I've had to beat this into my head for the last year while I've been in therapy to deal with the issues that led to that hole in my usual armor to allow my participation in an A. As you work on those issues, you WILL be able to practice self-forgiveness.

[Artie Lang]

what would you have done if he indeed tried to approach you?

 

 

i suggest this tactic-

 

 

 

 

this should be the standard move for anyone trying to stay NC, especially in a work environment.

[sammy7111]

I don't think you should ever forgive yourself. It keeps u on your toes.