How do you feel significant to someone when they have outside interests?

[lover4721]

We are 60 miles away , and see each other usually by weekend or Wednesday.

 

She attends sorority, which she says she isn't really 'into' as she should be.

 

She does SO much with the girls there, and on their Facebook, it shows. It kills me to know that she would rather be with them than me.

And I know it's not true...but it definitely seems like it.

 

She also had a stigma against hotels. I mentioned it, and I am punished for it.

Well she has a dance at the hotel right now, and she didn't get mad at them for mentioning that it will be at the hotel...

 

Her room is full of sorority stuff.

 

All I have is a little flower I gave her, which seems to be growing.

 

But yeah, I told her this stuff and now she is upset with me because she assumes in the summer I'll feel this way too and I'll 'leave her'. So I can feel she is pushing herself away.

 

She even went so far as to ignore me a few times -- stop texting where as before, I would do this.

 

I am so shocked at how much she is involved with this sorority. And it honestly kills me.

 

I'm just not sure what to do or how to feel.

 

How do you feel significant and happy and not jealous, when your partner has outside interests that seem to be more important to you?

 

And this is first relationship ever, first date, first everything. She doesn't want to let it go... but I feel as if she is.

And I'm not sure if I should 'fight for her' and continue to communicate or what?

 

Last time I stopped talking, Wednesday, she assumed I 'left' when I said I wouldn't. So then she says "If you want to try this again, you have to realize that I won't have time to give you and show you significance and whatever else you need, because I would be working and taking a summer class."

 

And yeah -- now this is happening.

It is all because I don't feel significant to her, and now she thinks I won't feel it in the Summer and I'll leave her again.

 

So I'm stuck...

Edited April 17, 2015 by lover4721

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh boy. Lots of questions:

 

How long have you been together?

 

There is nothing wrong with her having outside interests, and you should have plenty too. Do you? What do you do in your spare time? All couples should be able to enjoy activities both together and separately. She may feel that she is your only diversion, which is unfair and puts too much pressure on her. It seems that you are insecure and jealous of the time she spends with her friends and sorority. That shouldn't be the case. If you honestly feel she is putting friends ahead of you on a regular basis, then you could have a reason to be concerned.

 

Also, I don't completely understand how you interpret her stopping the text conversation as ignoring you. Did you send her something that required a reply? Conversations naturally dwindle off. Can you elaborate on this?

 

Finally, what do you mean she has a stigma against hotels? I am sensing you have asked her to stay in a hotel with you before and she has declined. If so, are you two sexually active? She might not be ready to spend the night in a hotel with you, if you haven't already taken that step.

[justwhoiam]

Your post is quite confusing.

 

She does SO much with the girls there, and on their Facebook, it shows. It kills me to know that she would rather be with them than me.

And I know it's not true...but it definitely seems like it.

She spends like one day with you per week, max two. She spends 5 to 6 days a week with them. It's just obvious that she's able to be with them more. Do the math.

 

She also had a stigma against hotels. I mentioned it, and I am punished for it.

Well she has a dance at the hotel right now, and she didn't get mad at them for mentioning that it will be at the hotel...

Hard to understand what you mean.

 

Her room is full of sorority stuff.

 

All I have is a little flower I gave her, which seems to be growing.

All you have is something you gave to her? Makes no sense. Or she has just one thing you gave to her? And how many things did you give her? Maybe she keeps most of the stuff at home?

 

She even went so far as to ignore me a few times -- stop texting where as before, I would do this.

You used to ignore her? What are you blaming her for now?

 

I am so shocked at how much she is involved with this sorority. And it honestly kills me.

I don't know, but I guess you're being too girlish and going too far with that.

 

I'm just not sure what to do or how to feel.

What to do: relax. How to feel: just feel the way you feel. But try to control it a bit. It sounds a bit too much.

 

How do you feel significant and happy and not jealous, when your partner has outside interests that seem to be more important to you?

Well, he's going to a concert with a friend, and honestly I don't like it, because I've never been to a concert with him. He said he'll take me to one next time we see each other. I'm not so sure he'll keep his word. But I'll just wait and see. That kind of makes me feel better, because it's more a matter of not being able to arrange it, rather than preferring to go with that friend.

 

She doesn't want to let it go... but I feel as if she is.

If you go on like this, she will.

And I'm not sure if I should 'fight for her' and continue to communicate or what?

You want to end things with her?

 

"If you want to try this again, you have to realize that I won't have time to give you and show you significance and whatever else you need, because I would be working and taking a summer class."

Whatever you need should be what any partner would need. So it's not something that YOU need. It's just being fair. It takes two for a relationship. She must do her part.

 

I don't feel significant to her, and now she thinks I won't feel it in the Summer and I'll leave her again.

So you broke up with her once? It's not clear. Anyway, if you did, what are you complaining about? She has any right now to think you might do it again. Edited April 18, 2015 by justwhoiam

[OverThinker72]

I've been in a Long Distance Relationship for 2 years now, and yes I am from a different generation to yourself, but in the same kind of relationship. My partner and I have loads of different interests and do things we both enjoy, apart. He's a gamer and spends his free time online shooting stuff, having fun..that's perfectly ok. I do things where I live with people he has never met. What we have is trust and respect for one another. Of course there have been times where we have felt a little jealousy or one of us thinks the other is fading, but we talk it through and find a solution. Torturing yourself with questions and doubts, is going to drive you insane. If you feel uneasy, then just tell her your concerns without making her feel she has to give up anything. An approach with concerns is much better than an approach laced with accusations.

I've never been one those people who hold back when something is on their mind. It's all about how you approach the person. Talk to her as soon as you can. It's the only way you will have your mind put at ease. Hope things go ok for ya!