is this a red flag?

[melissacus]

Just want a general opinion from you guys. Do you consider it a red flag if a girl/guy you're seeing talks about living together/marriage/kids in the very beginning stages of dating? Let's say within the first or second month? My ex did that, and at the time I assumed it was because he was just so incredibly smitten. Now that we are broken up and I'm reflecting, I'm thinking otherwise..

[whichwayisup]

How is it being said? in what context and intent?

 

Do you fee smothered or feel he's falling for you too quickly?

Has he given you other reasons to re think things?

 

2 months isn't very long..

[jen1447]

"I'd love to be married and have kids some day" is fine early imo, "we need to get married and have kids soon" is not.

 

Is there more context you can give for your ex?

[gaius]

I don't think there's any decisive answer to that. I've joked about proposals and told her I wanted to impregnate her before, and was totally genuine. But sometimes stuff like that gets used in purely weaponized form because it can have a powerful effect on women.

[GemmaUK]

Saying things like that as a stand alone comment is not a red flag when you're still early on in the relationship.

 

 

Saying those kind of things on top of other (and I mean several) behavioural traits eg: extreme jealousy and possessiveness would be a red flag.

[melissacus]

Sorry I wasn't more specific. Here are specific examples: the first time actually spending time with each other (we had many mutual friends and had talked on the phone/fb for a couple months before on a.mostly platonic level), we really clicked, he started mentioning moving to my area and making joking comments about if I ever cheated on him, he knows where I live now, winky face, which I didn't really take seriously because of his type of humor and personality, bla bla, when we move in with each other, you won't have to work, you can just go to school. I'm saving up to buy a new car, when I do I'll give you mine, or I can buy you an suv, totally don't even like those. after first time meeting each other, he told me he wanted to be with me. I told him I like him too and am interested in seeing where it goes. After a few weeks or so, after seeing each other a couple more times, talking every day (long distance, mind you) conversations about how he wanted to raise "our" children would be mentioned. Comments like, our kids, when we get married, when we live together we're going to such and such. Within maybe month he was telling me he was in love with me... Can't really think of me specifics. I just want to know if this is just typical behaviour of a man who's enamored or if it's not normal, for future reference with someone else since me and this guy mentioned are no longer together

[melissacus]

I hate auto correct >

[jen1447]

Sorry I wasn't more specific. Here are specific examples: the first time actually spending time with each other (we had many mutual friends and had talked on the phone/fb for a couple months before on a.mostly platonic level), we really clicked, he started mentioning moving to my area and making joking comments about if I ever cheated on him, he knows where I live now, winky face, which I didn't really take seriously because of his type of humor and personality, bla bla, when we move in with each other, you won't have to work, you can just go to school. I'm saving up to buy a new car, when I do I'll give you mine, or I can buy you an suv, totally don't even like those. after first time meeting each other, he told me he wanted to be with me. I told him I like him too and am interested in seeing where it goes. After a few weeks or so, after seeing each other a couple more times, talking every day (long distance, mind you) conversations about how he wanted to raise "our" children would be mentioned. Comments like, our kids, when we get married, when we live together we're going to such and such. Within maybe month he was telling me he was in love with me... Can't really think of me specifics. I just want to know if this is just typical behaviour of a man who's enamored or if it's not normal, for future reference with someone else since me and this guy mentioned are no longer together

 

Ok thanks. In that case, imo, no, not normal and not a good sign. I'm glad you got out.

[GemmaUK]

Is this the guy who was avoidant?

The one who had had anger management but had to avoid conflict as his anger issues were so bad?

 

If he is and assuming you had no idea about his anger two months into the relationship then yes, signs of hum being too keen, suggesting you don't need to work and he is going to financially support you and buy you a car..etc all of those are indicators to be on your guard of a man who manipulates and controls and can become abusive, emotionally, verbally and physically.

 

Other early signs are a lack of responsibility for bad things which have happened to him - eg his boss was an idiot and that is why he got fired (note, it's nothing to do with the reason he actually got fired).

Lack of responsibility is a big indicator.

 

 

Also, a man who isn't respectful of your boundaries eg: it's not OK for you to see your friends or family and instead you should (in his eyes) want to spend that time with jus him instead.

 

Another early sign is that he blames all of his ex's (not just one ex, he will blame many or all of them) and is nasty about them.

If a man is doing that you can be sure you will be the next psycho ex.

He probably abused them or controlled them or tried to in some way.

 

There's always several behaviours, never just one particular one to watch out for.

 

 

Jealousy and possessiveness can even come across as flattering initially but as it becomes more demanding and stifling you become aware that you should never have felt flattered by it.

Edited April 19, 2015 by GemmaUK

[GemmaUK]

Maybe take a look in here too - there's a few pointers and some book reviews.

I'm also reading Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft just now which is also very good but I'm only early on into it so I haven't yet done a review of it.

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions

[melissacus]

Ok thanks. In that case, imo, no, not normal and not a good sign. I'm glad you got out.

 

Thank you, me too! I am happy about the decision. It gives me a chance to focus on myself fully as a single lady, which I don't haven't experienced enough of yet. I am thoroughly happy with my decision, and honestly, I don't think I would have made the decision so easily without the advice and perspective of my fellow members. Gracias :*

[melissacus]

Is this the guy who was avoidant?

The one who had had anger management but had to avoid conflict as his anger issues were so bad?

 

If he is and assuming you had no idea about his anger two months into the relationship then yes, signs of hum being too keen, suggesting you don't need to work and he is going to financially support you and buy you a car..etc all of those are indicators to be on your guard of a man who manipulates and controls and can become abusive, emotionally, verbally and physically.

 

Other early signs are a lack of responsibility for bad things which have happened to him - eg his boss was an idiot and that is why he got fired (note, it's nothing to do with the reason he actually got fired).

Lack of responsibility is a big indicator.

 

 

Also, a man who isn't respectful of your boundaries eg: it's not OK for you to see your friends or family and instead you should (in his eyes) want to spend that time with jus him instead.

 

Another early sign is that he blames all of his ex's (not just one ex, he will blame many or all of them) and is nasty about them.

If a man is doing that you can be sure you will be the next psycho ex.

He probably abused them or controlled them or tried to in some way.

 

There's always several behaviours, never just one particular one to watch out for.

 

 

Jealousy and possessiveness can even come across as flattering initially but as it becomes more demanding and stifling you become aware that you should never have felt flattered by it.

 

Yes, this is the same guy with the anger issues. Early on he had slightly mentioned that he had anger issues during his high school days, but as time went on and he got more comfortable with me, he told me in more depth how bad his anger actually was. By the time he had actually told me, I was already pretty smitten with him and would think to myself "ohh noo, I couldn't imagine, he's too much of a sweetheart", thinking the best of him.

I would also catch him in little whites lies often about things that really didn't even matter, the first time I confronted him about it he told me I was crazy and maybe even might be bipolar...wow...thinking back on that makes me so pissed off. How is it that in the middle of this relationship I would defend him deal with this behavior but when I look back on it now, I'm just in awe at how or why I would?? So grateful I got out of it so early!!

 

And with the ex girlfriend thing, there were many red flags that I overlooked with that as well. One time I asked him why he and his most recent ex broke up, just out of curiosity, and his initial response was "Because she had a kid and her vagina smelled"....I'm not even joking. When I responded with a "Oh my God, that's rude. And you dated her for 6 months, those things seem like early deal breakers" he replied with, "I really don't want to talk about past relationships, they don't matter, we only matter now, I don't ask you about your ex's". Among other negative comments about ex's. And of course, it was always because of them, never him. So, I'm sure that the reason we broke up is because "I am crazy and bipolar".

[GemmaUK]

OMG! What he said about his ex is just gross!!

Yeah, you had all the signs there way before you could have put them together.

Sending the RS into orbit though as he did with the moving in stuff etc is a confirmed sign now we know more.

 

 

It's always a combination though and just trust your gut instinct and always listen to it.

 

 

I'm glad you're out of it!

[anika99]

Just want a general opinion from you guys. Do you consider it a red flag if a girl/guy you're seeing talks about living together/marriage/kids in the very beginning stages of dating? Let's say within the first or second month? My ex did that, and at the time I assumed it was because he was just so incredibly smitten. Now that we are broken up and I'm reflecting, I'm thinking otherwise..

 

 

 

It's not always a red flag but definitely can be. The most abusive man I was ever with came on strong and fast. Said he loved me at 6 weeks. Started talking about moving into together within a few months of dating. Then before I had even committed to that he started saying we should get married (at about six months of dating). Also insisted I drive his brand new truck, insisted that I not accept help or favors from anyone but him. Said he just loved me so much that he wanted to be the one to help me. Continued to push me hard to cohabitate with him. Looking back I realized that he was trying to make me emotionally and financially dependant on him and he was trying to do it fast before I figured him out.

[melissacus]

It's not always a red flag but definitely can be. The most abusive man I was ever with came on strong and fast. Said he loved me at 6 weeks. Started talking about moving into together within a few months of dating. Then before I had even committed to that he started saying we should get married (at about six months of dating). Also insisted I drive his brand new truck, insisted that I not accept help or favors from anyone but him. Said he just loved me so much that he wanted to be the one to help me. Continued to push me hard to cohabitate with him. Looking back I realized that he was trying to make me emotionally and financially dependant on him and he was trying to do it fast before I figured him out.

 

I'm sorry you experienced that, but proud that you got out of it. How long did it last and what kind of other abusive behavior did you experience?

[melissacus]

OMG! What he said about his ex is just gross!!

Yeah, you had all the signs there way before you could have put them together.

Sending the RS into orbit though as he did with the moving in stuff etc is a confirmed sign now we know more.

 

 

It's always a combination though and just trust your gut instinct and always listen to it.

 

 

I'm glad you're out of it!

 

The more dating/relationship experience I get under my belt, the more I trust my gut instinct. Thanks for your input!

[turnera]

I'm also reading Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft just now which is also very good but I'm only early on into it so I haven't yet done a review of it.

You simply MUST read this book. It's considered the bible on abuse and explains SO much. And will help you avoid the next abuser. Unfortunately, we usually continue to pick the same partner over and over, unless we learn more about WHY we're picking such people.

[turnera]

And for a glimpse into what a healthy relationship looks like...

 

 

my DD24 only dated 2 guys in college - no one met her high standards, and she was busy working on school. She finally met a guy (28) a year after graduating who is stable, degreed, funny, laid back, smart, doesn't smoke or do drugs, etc. And even after meeting him 11 months ago, she still won't move in with him for at least another year and won't consider marriage until they've dated at least 2 or 3 years, because her school comes first and she has to get her Masters degree out of the way. And he's fine with it. He's in no hurry to shack up, either. They just enjoy each other's company and enjoy having fun.

[GemmaUK]

You simply MUST read this book. It's considered the bible on abuse and explains SO much. And will help you avoid the next abuser. Unfortunately, we usually continue to pick the same partner over and over, unless we learn more about WHY we're picking such people.

 

As I read just about every page has another eye opener and another moment where I say 'Wow!' It's actually made me remember all kinds of new little things that I had forgotten my ex did.

Plus it has explained why my abusive ex was 'at me' so much. I wouldn't do as I was told. He told me many times over that I was wrong, my opinion was wrong and that I shouldn't behave or react like I did because his previous partners behaved they way he expected and he wanted me to do that too.

 

The book is much more nitty gritty than anything I have read and a very easy read. It asks the really pertinent questions and allays the most common myths too.

 

Another good read but less er..less specific and also one that self diagnoses (which I am not keen on) narcissism is Toads and the Women who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri.

 

Both books are superb but WDHDT is definitely the one which explains more. I also find it fascinating to hear about Lundy when he is taking workshops and how he calls the abusers out in a room full of abusers and tells you how they react.

 

I wanted it on Kindle and waited, finally it came out on Kindle but I wish now that I had read it first.

[regine_phalange]

Just want a general opinion from you guys. Do you consider it a red flag if a girl/guy you're seeing talks about living together/marriage/kids in the very beginning stages of dating? Let's say within the first or second month? My ex did that, and at the time I assumed it was because he was just so incredibly smitten. Now that we are broken up and I'm reflecting, I'm thinking otherwise..

 

If a marriage proposal isn't proper, with a ring or anything, I just take it as a joke or as an attempt from the man to earn certain "benefits". Many men make two wrong assumptions: that a woman will handle more sh*t if she thinks he'll marry her and that all women want to marry him.

Edited April 23, 2015 by regine_phalange