Not sure if I should chill or be more concerned?

[debian1987]

So my wife works with a lot of men. That does not bother me. Occasionally they get a couple drinks after work. I have no issue with that. I trust her and it's not like they are out until midnight. Lately, she has been more focussed on her appearance. They say that is one of the signs of cheating. I seriously doubt she is actually cheating. Something came up this week however which I find strange.

 

Her and her coworkers went to this yearly event downtown on Friday. I knew it would involve bar hopping and that things would get a little out of control. I have no problem with my wife having fun with the people she works with. But later that night she comes home and tells me about her night. Just about evryone had their spouses along. This was news to me as she had never asked if I wanted to come along. It was almost as if that fact slipped out because she was drunk. I responded at the time - "so everyone brought their spouses but you?". She replied that Scott's wife didn't come. (Scott's family lives an hour away, so that would only make sense though.) We didn't talk any more about it. She is not a heavy drinker and the night's activities were too much for her.

 

So tonight she is talking about some of the places they stopped in during the office drinking fiasco and she mentions that she ran into our neighbor. And then adds this little nugget. When my neighbor asked where I was this Scott guy responded "she is with me". ...OK. To me I feel that boundaries are being crossed. So I let my wife know that I am offended by this guy making a comment like that to our neighbor. It sounds ridiculously cocky. I also asked her why she (my wife) finds the comment so funny as I find it offensive. To me it seems like he is testing boundaries and that she has no issue.

 

My wife responds defensively. She insists that he was just joking and that I am being ridiculously jealous. She then contradicts her logic and says that the only reason she mentioned the comment is that it might get back to me and that she didn't want me to take it wrong.

 

So it sounds like my neighbor may have stumbled upon something that at least would have appeared innapropriate and my wife is trying to cover for it. The whole thing sounds shady and now I am sitting here pissed off and not able to sleep.

 

Should I be concerned? I don't want to interrogate my neighbor when I really don't think anything is going on. But yet here I am feeling jealous. The wbole thing just sounds shady.

[beach]

I does sound shady. Your wife went along with Scott acting like he owns her - that's concerning.

 

She obviously has no boundary.

 

 

I hope you have one - one that requires her to stop going out with them completely.

 

If you don't like it - she should respect that and not go... After all she is your wife. She should be considering your feelings - but she's not.

 

If she's not willing to consider how this makes you feel - it may not be worth the battle...of staying with her.

 

And stop being so trusting - she's acting like a jerk to you.

[debian1987]

Thanks for the advice. I definitely let her know how I felt. I think we need to discuss a little further as I am not buying into the argument that I am being insecure. I am not hoing to be a doormat and that is the difference.

[lolablue17]

The comment is inappropriate but when people drunk they can say many things so that alone is not so serious to me.

 

But the fact that she didn't invite you to the company evening is much more suspicious. What reason did she give you for not inviting you? Because it seems she was planning to be single that night. I wonder for what purposes... She deliberately kept you away.

 

It can imply that she wanted to be "with Scott" that evening... And maybe it implys that she doesn't like your company because with you she can't be free. This maybe a sign for a bigger problem in your marriage. (Not liking your H company is really bad)

[debian1987]

Thats funny. She kind of dodged the question on why I was not invited. That needs to be explored huh? I am going to take some melatonin, hopefully get some sleep and talk about it in the morning.

[lolablue17]

Thats funny. She kind of dodged the question on why I was not invited. That needs to be explored huh? I am going to take some melatonin, hopefully get some sleep and talk about it in the morning.

 

Yes, talk to her about it.

 

If you want her to understand you and to change her attitude, try not to blame her. Ask her to try to see things from your point of view.

 

1. You were not invited to the party which all the other spouses were invited.

2. Scott's wife didn't come, so it is very natural for you to think that she'd planned all this. She says you're jealous? Fine - You're jealous and you have the right to be because she does not supply good explanations.

 

Also she told you about the incident with the neighbour not because she is honest, but only because she was afraid that you will know what happened from the neighbour.

 

So what else has happened that she doesn't tell you because no neighbour saw it? If she doesn't like your company, why are you both married? Marriage is not a punishment. If one suffers it can be fixed or splitted.

 

On the same day that they told everyone in the company that "The party is included spouses", she came home after work and kept that fact from you. That moment of hiding it from you is a crucial moment. Hiding it from you proves (a 100% proof) that she wanted you away from the party.

 

Why?! Why would a wife draw a plan to keep her husband away?

 

I think the fact that you were not invited is a big big red flag and may change the whole view of how you see your marriage in your eyes, and she must realize that.

Edited April 18, 2015 by lolablue17

[twosadthings]

You should also have a man-to-man with Scott.

[LifeWasted]

Yeah you and your wife need to have a heart to heart. Red flags abound.

[Lion Heart]

I think it's ridiculous of your W to call you "jealous" when you ask her questions, ANY questions about this night out where inadvertently OTHER spouses were present. ...except 2.

 

In fact I'd call her bluff completely. So YOU are SO jealous that you support your W going on quite regular drinks with work colleagues? Quite hilarious. You ARE NOT BEING JEALOUS.

 

SHE!!!!! IS BEING VERY INAPPROPRIATE in her behaviours.

VERY. Then again I have VERY STRICT BOUNDARIES with my own behaviours and I am not a flirt (nor a cheat).

I also couldn't give a hang what people call me "prude" or very old fashioned. IMO that says ALOT more about them than me.

My H would no way call me a prude. Though I've never given him cause for concern because a) I wouldn't want him to feel insecure & b) I think cheating is disgusting. Pity my values aren't his!

 

If I were you, I'd be there WITH my spouse when having drinks etc. I would also be putting alot more effort (if you don't already - so no assumptions made) into dating my spouse. Nice dinners, lunches, breakfasts out. Sometimes as married couples with a mortgage, kids, family stuff yada yada, we don't put aside money or time to nurture that relationship as "special" / maybe better said as important enough to invest the time and money into it that it absolutely needs to keep both spouses very connected indeed, not just words. (Yes words are important too but I hope you get my drift).

 

Good luck man. Hold her to task. She's your wife. Yes she owes you explanations, empathy and most importantly fidelity.

 

Lion Heart.

[I_Give_Up67]

Her behavior is highly inappropriate very disrespectful towards you. Do not accept her "gas-lighting" you into thinking you are being paranoid and jealous. Trust your gut!

 

Please read thru some of the stories here on LS where the WS (wayward spouse) actions are the same as you describe. Turns out later in many if not all of those cases, the WS was engaged in a full blown PA (physical affair) or an EA (emotional affair) while the entire time telling the BS (betrayed spouse) they were just being jealous and paranoid.

 

You must be very firm and don't not accept her trying to make you seem overly paranoid. Trust your gut.

[LifeWasted]

She did take her husband to the party. Her new "husband".

[katielee]

Married women should not be out bar hopping with co workers of the opposite sex. Is she 21?

I don't even bar hop with my female friends without my spouse. Nothing good comes of it.

[minimariah]

she is probably having an EA already, not sure about the PA.

 

she disrespected you and allowed for you to be disrespected by another man - this is not something you should be taking up with the Scott but with your WIFE. he said "she is with me" only because he had a reason to actually think she was with him, meaning she was interested.

 

yeah, you should be concerned. communicate with her and if she denies to listen or becomes defensive - move out & ask for a divorce. maybe then she'll realize how seriously she f*cked up.

[aliveagain]

Your reacting because your gut is right, you need to react. Major red flags, lots of males, bars and alcohol, your wife and Scott are the only ones without their spouses, your the only locally available spouse intentionally not invited. They were caught acting single by your neighbor. My recommendation, ask your neighbor out for a beer and at some point casually mention that your wife said she ran into him at the bar, ask him if you should be worried and wait for his reply. You need to get the real answer from your wife as to why you were the only available spouse not invited? We all know the answer, she was Scott's date.

 

You need to check phone records, see if any one number keeps showing up. Time to install a keylogger on your home computer, your being set up for infidelity. It might already be well on it's way. Time for changes, no more bars without you being with her. Ask her strait out, have you or are you cheating? Time you check out the other signs that your spouse is cheating. Talking to Scott will be a waste of your time, they most likely already have their stories strait between themselves. Time to be a detective.

[I_Give_Up67]

yeah, you should be concerned. communicate with her and if she denies to listen or becomes defensive - move out & ask for a divorce. maybe then she'll realize how seriously she f*cked up.

 

 

 

OP- this may seem extreme^^^^^^^, but you have to be prepared to threaten and follow through with this if she gas-lights you. If you feel that she's not being honest after you have had your talk with her, consider staying with friends or relatives for a few nights and give her a chance to reconsider being fully truthful with you. This part will be difficult, but you need to discover the extent of her involvement with this OM.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I don't see a problem with women going out to dinner and having a good time together in a safe setting. However, this should not involve bar hopping to all hours of the evening. Additionally, you should be her only date, not some guy at work. I have to admit this looks like it was intentionally planned. I think you need more information. Look at phone records and see if there is a pattern to this behavior with the OM. If there is, expose to his wife and nip this in the bud. These gang events need to stop now unless you are there. Personally, I think I would have a face to face conversation with this Scott character and let him know where you stand. Your wife won't like it, but she will know where you stand and I think that is important.

[aliveagain]

Just a couple of points. not asking you to attend had a lot to do with Scott not having his wife there, this is the same as lying by omission, she was his date, an intentional act. Telling you that you are acting jealous is two things, first she is blame shifting making it sound like your the crazy one, secondly, she just put you on notice to not pursue it, it's a bullying tactic right out of the cheaters hand book. Call her bluff, make her explain your not being invited to the function, don't give her too much time to think about it. I guarantee that she and Scott have planed her answer to you. I think you just found the tip of the iceberg.

[Friskyone4u]

Your wife is trying to make you out to be an idiot and it is because she is cheating on you. Do you go running around to bars with other women without her??? There seems to be some kind of trend a lot on these forums that men are feeling guilty and tolerating behavior that nothing good can come out of.

Now you have two choices. I believe the majority of responses believe there are enough red flags here , and concentrating on her appearance a lot more combined with partying with men without you around is certainly a red flag.

Your choices are

(1) continue this blind trust and hope for the best . Not a great choice in my opinion.

(2) start snooping by putting a VAR in her car . You will find out real quick who she is talking to and what they are saying

Your have already told her about your concerns and she has shut you down . My guess is she has passwords on her electronic devices that you do not know and if she is guarding her phone that would be red flag number two. If you ask her now for the passwords or let her know you are checking on her she will just become more secretive because she has no intention of telling you anything .

I would also check her pay stubs if she gets paid by the hour and get copies of your itemized cell phone bills. My guess is you will find a number with a lot of texts or calls. Also not a good thing .

The bottom line is if you choose to put your head in the sand with what you have revealed here, you are likely to have a very unpleasant discovery in the near future if it has not already happened.

One last thing. If in her quest to improve her appearance she is "grooming" areas she did not before, you can probably take it to the bank another man has asked her to

[Timmos]

She then contradicts her logic and says that the only reason she mentioned the comment is that it might get back to me and that she didn't want me to take it wrong.

 

I heard that one too, and now I'm posting here.

[debian1987]

I was expecting to hear that I was taking this too far. I feel more confidant in sharing my feelings.

 

She actually brought up the situation when I woke up. I was surprised really. She admitted that the scenario was pushing boundaries but insisted that spouses were not originally invited. As the night went on, spouses started showing up and that most of them work downtown so they were really just meeting up when they got out of work. In my case, she knew I had late meetings and would never make it early enough for it to be worthwhile. That is true. They were out in the afternoon, early evening, so it really had the feel of a drunken work retreat more than anything else. In addition, she did make the point that this all took place in public where a lot of my friends would likely be abound, so why would she think to sneak around in that environment. So her point is that what sounded innocent turned into something that could easily be perceived as innapropriate. She apologized and told me if I was not comfortable with Scott that she would quit the job. He made the comment to be funny, was drunk and just being stupid.

 

I am the jealous type and have a history of violence. So now she is afraid I am going to hurt this guy. I am not. Its not a felony and a lawsuit. I always liked the guy and the comment fits his peronality so I can let that go.

 

So I am going to chill. I made my point and my wife was pretty rational about this after the fact. I really appreciate the feedback. I really have no one to go talk to about this kind of thing.

[MuddyRock]

You still need to check phone records and her phone. Verify.

[elaine567]

I am the jealous type and have a history of violence. So now she is afraid I am going to hurt this guy. I am not. Its not a felony and a lawsuit. I always liked the guy and the comment fits his peronality so I can let that go.

 

So I am going to chill. I made my point and my wife was pretty rational about this after the fact. I really appreciate the feedback. I really have no one to go talk to about this kind of thing.

 

I hope you are right but remember cheaters will gaslight and if you are known to be a violent guy, she will feel the need to keep on your right side too.

You have to keep vigilant.

Whatever you find out, IF you do find out anything, keep your aggression in check, nothing divorce lawyers like better than violent exes.

[Mr. Lucky]

So my wife works with a lot of men. That does not bother me. Occasionally they get a couple drinks after work. I have no issue with that. I trust her and it's not like they are out until midnight.

Married women should not be out bar hopping with co workers of the opposite sex.

 

As katielee said, simply not an appropriate activity on a regular basis for a happily married woman.

 

My wife and I solved this pretty easily. We go to after work functions when our spouse is willing and able to go with us. This has the additional bonus of integrating you into each other's work life so when she comes home and says "Susie was promoted", I know who Susie - or Scott - is. If she can't go, normally I don't either. And vice versa.

 

There's a difference between single and married. And this is one of those differences...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

You still need to check phone records and her phone. Verify.

 

it sounds like she is trying to gaslight you. that is a very bad sign that she is already cheating. It may or may not be with scott.

 

 

but her arrogant attitude means she probably did NOT hide her trails very well. So a simple key logger and recovery program for computer and phone is probably all you need. A VAR and gps tracker in her car will tell you if she is going somewhere odd after work or during lunch time.

 

 

You should BACK OFF and snoop in silence. you do not want her to get wise that you are watching her, otherwise she will just hide everything she is doing better, and it will take you and extra year or two to trip her up.

 

 

If there was a party where ALL the spouses but you went, and she did not even mention it, I would be throwing her azz out the door for that alone. that shows the ultimate disrespect. I do NOT think they would be cheating at such a company party, but maybe afterwards when everyone broke up to go home. did she stay out way late that one night?

[debian1987]

The past drinking after work has been rare and always o e drink and home by 7 or 8. Sure that is enough tim for a lot of sex but really, if she wanted to cheat it would not be difficult to dlfind a better time in the day. She is supervised and can easily come and go from work without being questioned. The way I have always seen it, if she wants to cheat then she will. I can not stop it physically. I have always trusted her but this one event rubbed me wrong.

 

An interesting tidbit. This guy took her out to lunch on her birthday recently. While I found it a little annoying, I let it go since he is always taking people out. Its not out of character for him. When I brought this up today, she prooved me that his wife and daughter came along too. So here is a case where she failed to mention a fact with the complete opposite effect. Just knowing that previously would have changed my attitude.