Not sure if I should chill or be more concerned?

[Ronnie33]

My affair started at work. We were friends, started having lunch together everyday for months, we emailed eachother all the time. I told my husband about the lunches because I thought if I was honest then that would guarantee nothing would escalate, meanwhile looking back it was an emotional affair already but I didn't know it. I started dressing nicer at work and makin sure my makeup was always done. It took us almost a year to cross to the physical part but the sexual tension has been there for months.

 

This might be nothing yet but I have a feeling she's already thinking about it if she hasn't crossed the line yet.

 

Pay attention and don't let your guard down.

[lolablue17]

The fact that she appologized, and suggested to quit her job if you want her to, implys that she cares about you and cares about your marriage, and she can look at the situation not only from her P.O.V, but also from yours.

 

These are good signs, and even if she did something wrong, and even if she is polishing the truth a little bit, she got the message and will be aware about these kind of things.

 

I'm happy for you.

[MuddyRock]

If I was cheating, and my boyfriend took me out to lunch, I would lie and say his wife was there too.

You can't believe words only actions. Her actions say you need to lay low and do some digging.

I would be calling Scott's wife but that's just me.

[Bryanp]

If I were you I would talk to the neighbor and get their reaction how the both of them were acting. By the way if the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. She is being quite disrespectful to you.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[road]

Thats funny. She kind of dodged the question on why I was not invited. That needs to be explored huh? I am going to take some melatonin, hopefully get some sleep and talk about it in the morning.

 

 

Too many red flags here.

 

 

Wives do not need to go out drinking with other men after work.

[Mr. Lucky]

An interesting tidbit. This guy took her out to lunch on her birthday recently. While I found it a little annoying, I let it go since he is always taking people out. Its not out of character for him. When I brought this up today, she prooved me that his wife and daughter came along too.

 

Why was his spouse (supposedly) present but not you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[onemanband]

Never trust another men with your wife point blank

[HurtHusband]

Onemanband... I wouldn't of believed a statement like that before. We are suppose to trust our partner, right? I think until you get your heart smashed by a cheating partner you may be inclined to be too trusting and ignore some warning signs. I think for betrayed spouses like us, we are not the same afterwards or maybe never will be. It's a hard lesson to learn, that people can screw you and your partner can cheat on you.

 

Of course you can ' love again' but it's a harsh lesson in human nature. I want to be 100% invested in my future relationship. But I will also be totally honest and up front from the very beginning about what I want and expect and what I won't tolerate. No guarantee that you'll ever experience the pain of betrayal again, but to inoculate myself. I will feather my own nest and develop myself so that I am never truly vulnerable or at the mercy of some cheating partner

[I_Give_Up67]

I was expecting to hear that I was taking this too far. I feel more confidant in sharing my feelings.

 

She actually brought up the situation when I woke up. I was surprised really. She admitted that the scenario was pushing boundaries but insisted that spouses were not originally invited. As the night went on, spouses started showing up and that most of them work downtown so they were really just meeting up when they got out of work. In my case, she knew I had late meetings and would never make it early enough for it to be worthwhile. That is true. They were out in the afternoon, early evening, so it really had the feel of a drunken work retreat more than anything else. In addition, she did make the point that this all took place in public where a lot of my friends would likely be abound, so why would she think to sneak around in that environment. So her point is that what sounded innocent turned into something that could easily be perceived as innapropriate. She apologized and told me if I was not comfortable with Scott that she would quit the job. He made the comment to be funny, was drunk and just being stupid.

 

I am the jealous type and have a history of violence. So now she is afraid I am going to hurt this guy. I am not. Its not a felony and a lawsuit. I always liked the guy and the comment fits his peronality so I can let that go.

 

So I am going to chill. I made my point and my wife was pretty rational about this after the fact. I really appreciate the feedback. I really have no one to go talk to about this kind of thing.

 

Hope her version of the facts surrounding these events really are truthful for your sake.

 

But this thought occurred to me, she had the whole night to sleep on this and come up with the best possible spin. Then being the first to mention it before you had a chance to bring it up, a move right out of the gaslighter's handbook. I'm sorry man, but it's hard to ignore the many red flags waving all around these incidents. Take the birthday lunch, what proof did she provide that his wife and daughter were actually there?

 

Sorry, but given the backstory you provided, it's difficult not to remain suspicious. But I really hope she IS telling you the truth.

 

Good luck!

[goodyblue]

Try to remember most of the rest Ness you s re getting are coming from betrayed spouses and they have a slightly jaded view.

 

I wouldn't freak out. But I would probably watch more closely just to be safe.

 

Good luck.

[Try]

She admitted that the scenario was pushing boundaries but insisted that spouses were not originally invited. As the night went on, spouses started showing up and that most of them work downtown so they were really just meeting up when they got out of work. In my case, she knew I had late meetings and would never make it early enough for it to be worthwhile.

This means that as the partying went on, other party goers thought to call their spouses to give them the option of going. Yours did not. You did not have the option because she had Scott to keep her company.

 

In addition, she did make the point that this all took place in public where a lot of my friends would likely be abound, so why would she think to sneak around in that environment. So her point is that what sounded innocent turned into something that could easily be perceived as innapropriate.

Of course it happened in public. If it happened in private, your neighbor would not have seen them, and she would not have told you about it. The fact that she said that it could be "perceived as innapropriate" means that whatever interaction between her and Scott that the neighbor saw, was something that could be perceived as innapropriate. As for the old, it "took place in public" line, bar hopping always takes place in public, yet that does not stop bars from being hot spots for cheating.

 

She apologized and told me if I was not comfortable with Scott that she would quit the job. He made the comment to be funny, was drunk and just being stupid.

Telling your neighbor that your wife was with him bar hopping is not funny at all. It was very disrespectful of you and your marriage to people that know you and that you will have to see again. No matter what you say to the neighbor, you cannot unring that bell, so there will now always be doubt in his mind. What he saw could be "perceived as innapropriate", and Scott saying that your wife was his date, will leave a lasting negative impression in the back of his mind that you and not Scott will have to live with.

 

As a test call your wife's bluff. Tell her that you have thought about it and agree that she needs to change jobs. Say it and mean it. Tell her that she should find another job prior to telling anyone at work, but that she needs to do this quickly. Now what and see her reaction. Either she agrees willingly or she does not. Even if she at first agrees, what to see if she changes her mind. If after a few days she is committed to changing jobs, then you have nothing to worry about and you can tell her to stay at the job, but to watch it with Scott. Never ever tell her that it was only a test, because she needs to know to take such things seriously. If she fights you on changing jobs, then you may have a bigger problem than you thought. Good luck.

[darkmoon]

do not leave the house to stay with a friend, if you split up (hope no) from what i have seen, if you leave, she keeps the house, check with a lawyer

[italianjob]

Wow, man, this has more red flags than a parade in China, but hey, it's your wife, so if you decided to let it go it's your business. I'm afraid you'll regret down the road, but it's your decision.

 

Just do one last small thing: without telling your wife contact the neighbor and ask him to describe your wife's and the OM's behavior when he met them, not only the comment...

[Darren Steez]

The comment is inappropriate but when people drunk they can say many things so that alone is not so serious to me.

 

But the fact that she didn't invite you to the company evening is much more suspicious. What reason did she give you for not inviting you? Because it seems she was planning to be single that night. I wonder for what purposes... She deliberately kept you away.

 

It can imply that she wanted to be "with Scott" that evening... And maybe it implys that she doesn't like your company because with you she can't be free. This maybe a sign for a bigger problem in your marriage. (Not liking your H company is really bad)

 

This. I always call BS on this. Company functions wher spouses CAN go but are not invited by their other spouses always raises Red Flags.

 

So OP I think you saw that red flag, then put together with what your neighbour told you, another red flag, you're starting to put two and two together

[happyman64]

kebian

 

 

Did you speak to your neighbor that saw your wife out that night?

 

 

I would.

 

 

HM

[debian1987]

Yeah. I saw the neighbor outside. He started cracking jokes about it but said that he didn't take it as anything more than a drunk comment and that he would have come to me otherwise. That doesn't really mean anything either way in my opinion.

 

She actually showed me the email from Scott on her birthday saying that his wife and daughter were in town...let us take you out to lunch etc... unless it was a really well planned trick then it seems innocent.

 

I said I would chill but don't think this didn't change the way I see her right now. She pushed the boundaries a little too far this time. I still think the non-invite was shady although she doesn't like me hanging around a couple of her coworkers as we tend to get out of control. This is nothing new and I understand as past experiences have proved that to be true. I am watching carefully and quietly.

[spanz1]

what proof did she provide that his wife and daughter were actually there?

!

 

there is absolutely nothing stopping you from contacting this guy's wife, conveying your concern that the two of them are getting too close, and see what his wife says. if she says "well i was there at the lunch, and i am good friends with your wife and there is nothing going on...." then you can rest easy.

 

If she says "What lunch are you talking about????" then you have your answer.

[road]

Yeah. I saw the neighbor outside. He started cracking jokes about it but said that he didn't take it as anything more than a drunk comment and that he would have come to me otherwise. That doesn't really mean anything either way in my opinion.

 

She actually showed me the email from Scott on her birthday saying that his wife and daughter were in town...let us take you out to lunch etc... unless it was a really well planned trick then it seems innocent.

 

I said I would chill but don't think this didn't change the way I see her right now. She pushed the boundaries a little too far this time. I still think the non-invite was shady although she doesn't like me hanging around a couple of her coworkers as we tend to get out of control. This is nothing new and I understand as past experiences have proved that to be true. I am watching carefully and quietly.

 

 

Emails can always be sent after the fact.

[atreides]

debian1987, well you are here for a reason. There are those that will say, "no big deal" and those that are going to push that she is cheating.

 

Here is my take, just by the numbers. Your story sounds so familiar that on this forum and others just a few weeks ago, same thing.

 

Wife goes out, drinking. Same old line of "i trust her" when trust is not really the issue, when It is about respect. Then there is "jealousy" which is only about things "you don't have", on and on.

Every story that sounds similar to yours is about the wife accusing "jealousy" then making the man out to be a jealous idiot, time in and time out that with enough time, it is believed.

 

So maybe this is no big deal, maybe not. Keep your guard up, but this line of "I trust her" when you are really dealing with mutual respect in what should be respected as boundaries needs to be enforced by what your gut tells you and not some politically correct garbage argument. until the next bar hoping adventure, best of luck.

[Grapesofwrath]

You still need to check phone records and her phone. Verify.

 

Trust and verify. If it's really nothing, then you can put it in the past and move on. Your gut is telling you something, for some reason. Maybe just jealousy. Trust and verify.

[whichwayisup]

So my wife works with a lot of men. That does not bother me. Occasionally they get a couple drinks after work. I have no issue with that. I trust her and it's not like they are out until midnight. Lately, she has been more focussed on her appearance. They say that is one of the signs of cheating. I seriously doubt she is actually cheating. Something came up this week however which I find strange.

 

Her and her coworkers went to this yearly event downtown on Friday. I knew it would involve bar hopping and that things would get a little out of control. I have no problem with my wife having fun with the people she works with. But later that night she comes home and tells me about her night. Just about evryone had their spouses along. This was news to me as she had never asked if I wanted to come along. It was almost as if that fact slipped out because she was drunk. I responded at the time - "so everyone brought their spouses but you?". She replied that Scott's wife didn't come. (Scott's family lives an hour away, so that would only make sense though.) We didn't talk any more about it. She is not a heavy drinker and the night's activities were too much for her.

 

So tonight she is talking about some of the places they stopped in during the office drinking fiasco and she mentions that she ran into our neighbor. And then adds this little nugget. When my neighbor asked where I was this Scott guy responded "she is with me". ...OK. To me I feel that boundaries are being crossed. So I let my wife know that I am offended by this guy making a comment like that to our neighbor. It sounds ridiculously cocky. I also asked her why she (my wife) finds the comment so funny as I find it offensive. To me it seems like he is testing boundaries and that she has no issue.

 

My wife responds defensively. She insists that he was just joking and that I am being ridiculously jealous. She then contradicts her logic and says that the only reason she mentioned the comment is that it might get back to me and that she didn't want me to take it wrong.

 

So it sounds like my neighbor may have stumbled upon something that at least would have appeared innapropriate and my wife is trying to cover for it. The whole thing sounds shady and now I am sitting here pissed off and not able to sleep.

 

Should I be concerned? I don't want to interrogate my neighbor when I really don't think anything is going on. But yet here I am feeling jealous. The wbole thing just sounds shady.

 

Her whole reaction was totally dismissive towards you, turning it on you, making it like you're too jealous, she got defensive and instead of wanting to respect you and be understanding and reassuring, she did the opposite.

 

Chances are, she's emotionally attached to this guy and he's whispering sweet nothings in her ear, knowing what buttons to push. He's manipulating her and she's eating it up (choosing to) and loving the attention and ego feed.

 

He makes her feel sexy and young again, to be wanted and desired by someone else can be really powerful for some. Your wife, before all this happened, how was your relationship overall vs how it is today? Sex, communication, spending time together, etc, has it changed or have you felt her distance?

 

Be concerned, but don't assume the worst quite yet. Unless you have actual evidence, (calls, texts, emails) be very careful how you handle this.

[whichwayisup]

An interesting tidbit. This guy took her out to lunch on her birthday recently. While I found it a little annoying, I let it go since he is always taking people out. Its not out of character for him. When I brought this up today, she prooved me that his wife and daughter came along too. So here is a case where she failed to mention a fact with the complete opposite effect. Just knowing that previously would have changed my attitude.

 

Even though his wife and child were there, that means nothing. Some MM (and MW) have big balls and don't have any issue flaunting it right under their spouses noses and still continue on like all is normal.

[aliveagain]

The really big point is still, you were not there and she allowed the comment to pass without calling him on it.

[debian1987]

I have to say that I am surprised at all of the thoughtful comments and analysis. It is amazing to me that technology has enabled these communities where people can share their wisdom and advice. It is appreciated. I am stronger now because of it.

 

Friday night I was all alone until I reached out anonymously. Without your support I would still be alone with nothing but my own thoughts and self doubt. I am not feeling really great right now but I am feeling a little warmth from people I have never even known. That is pretty cool. Thanks.

[I_Give_Up67]

We are not here to beat you or your wife up, or falsely fill you with doubt. But just point things we see as outsiders based on the information that you have provided. I hope that your version of events really is the truth, and that there is nothing else going on. Just keep your guard up.

 

 

Stealing a quote from Ronald Reagan, "Trust But Verify"