Not sure if I should chill or be more concerned?

[Bohonia]

I think jealous is the wrong term, betrayed would be more suited as she did not say my SO is home or whatever and she allowed some other man to claim her as his for the night to your neighbors. Honestly if you want to know the truth you can go digging just be aware you may not like what you find out.

[sandylee1]

This. I always call BS on this. Company functions wher spouses CAN go but are not invited by their other spouses always raises Red Flags.

 

So OP I think you saw that red flag, then put together with what your neighbour told you, another red flag, you're starting to put two and two together

 

I wouldn't necessarily say that because you can invite your spouse, that you must. There have been work social events my H could have come to, but because my very close colleagues weren't bringing their spouses, I didn't tell mine.

 

There were another couple of times, I just felt he wouldn't enjoy the event, so I didn't bother telling him. I could have been seen speaking to male colleagues, even smiling whilst talking, but nothing shady was going on.

[sandylee1]

Even though his wife and child were there, that means nothing. Some MM (and MW) have big balls and don't have any issue flaunting it right under their spouses noses and still continue on like all is normal.

 

But apparently he takes others out to lunch too.

[merrmeade]

Try to remember most of the rest Ness you s re getting are coming from betrayed spouses and they have a slightly jaded view.

 

I wouldn't freak out. But I would probably watch more closely just to be safe.

 

Good luck.

Apparently the "slightly jaded view" sounded like "wisdom and advice."

I have to say that I am surprised at all of the thoughtful comments and analysis. It is amazing to me that technology has enabled these communities where people can share their wisdom and advice. It is appreciated. I am stronger now because of it.

 

Friday night I was all alone until I reached out anonymously. Without your support I would still be alone with nothing but my own thoughts and self doubt. I am not feeling really great right now but I am feeling a little warmth from people I have never even known. That is pretty cool. Thanks.

I am glad that you are "stronger now because of it." Guess you got what you were looking for: truth and support.

[LifeWasted]

I have to say that I am surprised at all of the thoughtful comments and analysis. It is amazing to me that technology has enabled these communities where people can share their wisdom and advice. It is appreciated. I am stronger now because of it.

 

Friday night I was all alone until I reached out anonymously. Without your support I would still be alone with nothing but my own thoughts and self doubt. I am not feeling really great right now but I am feeling a little warmth from people I have never even known. That is pretty cool. Thanks.

 

Well that's sweet.

 

Now do what we tell you to and monitor. I think you are getting a hose job.

[HereNorThere]

She apologized and told me if I was not comfortable with Scott that she would quit the job.

 

This is the scariest part of the whole post. No one offers to quit their job over something innocent that didn't happen. That makes her look really guilty.

[elaine567]

This is the scariest part of the whole post. No one offers to quit their job over something innocent that didn't happen. That makes her look really guilty.

 

I didn't like that either.

Having been to many work events, partnerless but attached, and having spent many innocent hours socialising with colleagues, married and unmarried, I have never even considered giving up my job, nor have I ever suggested it to my partner.

 

However, if her offer to quit, was as a result of continual badgering by the OP or recurring trust issues, re her work colleagues or Scott specifically, then I can understand, but if this was totally out of the blue, it does sound like guilt.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Debian,, Any developments since your last post? All I can say is if you are having misgivings of some kind then trust your gut response to this. Remember there is never smoke without a fire so if your sixth sense is giving you some kind of a warning then take it seriously. You are the best person to be able to ascertain if your wife is up to no good or not. You are the only one who knows her intimately and the slight nuances of behaviour patterns in her every day conduct will be observed and noted by your sub conscious mind and will ring warning bells for you. Pay attention to these and sensitize yourself to the faint signals which your subconscious mind sends to you. That will stand you in good stead more than anything that people may tell you here or what may be the ramblings of your conscious mind.

 

Here's wishing you the very best as you try and unravel the web that surrounds you currently.

[wizer]

I agree with those who suggest you contact the wife.

 

Her answers can put this matter to rest very quickly.

 

You can call her up during a time you know her husband is at work and say "I know this may sound a bit ununsual, but I'm the husband of xx and she and your husband were the only two in the group who did not have their spouses with them and it left me feeling a bit uneasy. So I'm just running this by you to see what you think of it, I'm sure I'm totally overthinking this..

 

Then mention the comment witnessed by the neighbor, the fact that spouses were originally not invited but yet they all showed up except of course for the two of you, and that there was a birthday lunch for your wife that Scott and his wife and kids were invited to (but not you).

 

What's the worst that could happen as a result of the call? She calls you a freak and hangs up, Scott finds out and tells your wife, and..? So what.

 

You're doing your due diligence. As any man would do to protect his ASSets.

[Whatnotagain]

 

She actually showed me the email from Scott on her birthday saying that his wife and daughter were in town...let us take you out to lunch etc... unless it was a really well planned trick then it seems innocent.

 

 

There is more to this than you might think and the fact that he brought his wife and daughter means nothing. My wife had an EA with a coworker, who became our friend along with the rest of his family during the time of their affair. I was asked twice to bring our son and meet her and the AP for lunch after we had all become friends. I went to lunch with my wife along with the AP and his wife on two separate occasions and it was suggested that we should also have dinner together sometime. We had his family over to our home, letting his boys play in our back yard and in our sons room with all of his toys, etc. The AP became involved in some of the activities that my wife and I were involved in and became friends with other friends of ours.

 

What I am trying to point out is that many cheaters will use their families and friends to help facilitate access to their AP. It was suggested to me that I should become friends with the AP, that we had similar interests and we could be good friends. Be wary if your wife suggests that you would like Scott if you met him, that the two of you could be friends, or that you have the same personality or interests. This is a tactic that often is used to get you used to the idea of your wife being friends with him and comfortable with the idea of them spending time together.

[stillcold]

Hey brother, glad you're finding help and comfort here. As others have said, continue to monitor your wife. One of the biggest red flags to me is the fact that she is very comfortable around Scott and being alone with him. The fact that she did not correct Scott for his statement to your neighbor also raises major concern as she seems clearly comfortable with him assuming possession over her; any respecting wife would not do that. Also, her lunch with Scott and his family are highly suspicious and concerning as she clearly wants to spend time with him and without you; did you even get an invite? And it doesn't matter if his family was there, that's just more cover to make the illusion that everything is innocent. The fact that he would even want to take your wife out to lunch for her birthday clearly shows her and him must have some kind of comfort level that does not seem healthy for a marriage. Last but not least, her early morning statement to you also sounds really phishy as she definitely felt guilt over something.

 

All in all, tell her to stop socializing with Scott. It does not matter if Scott is the same with everyone else or that it's just his personality because apparently your wife is fond of him, and if she's fond of him and she's even slightly attracted to him then it's definitely going to lead to an affair at some point. You need to have a man to man with Scott at some point and tell him to back off and to respect boundaries, but before you do so you must monitor your wife and ensure that no affair has occurred; after you've verified so, then approach Scott and tell him to no longer associate with her. He seems like an as*h0le that's asking for trouble by messing with another man's wife. As of now, I GUARANTEE you that your wife is already in an EA (emotional affair) with him and is fond of him, comfortable with him, likes his attention, likes his jokes, and likes being in his company. No wife should ever feel that way about any man other than her husband; she's crossing boundaries because she's clearly in an EA with him.

 

So please, please, please, please... realize that your wife is clearly in an EA and Scott is bad news because he clearly has no boundaries himself. Your wife is fond of him and she should NOT be fond of any other man but her husband. I'm really concerned for you and your marriage so please keep us updated.

Edited April 22, 2015 by stillcold

[firemanq]

She actually showed me the email from Scott on her birthday saying that his wife and daughter were in town...let us take you out to lunch etc... unless it was a really well planned trick then it seems innocent.

 

I said I would chill but don't think this didn't change the way I see her right now. She pushed the boundaries a little too far this time. I still think the non-invite was shady although she doesn't like me hanging around a couple of her coworkers as we tend to get out of control. This is nothing new and I understand as past experiences have proved that to be true. I am watching carefully and quietly.

 

You see the date with his wife and child as proof that the date was harmless. Did you call the wife to thank her for the nice social gesture on your wife's birthday? Or send a thank you card? You could just happen to be in their neighborhood and hand deliver a card and flowers to her. You might find out that his wife and child was not invited to lunch either!

[debian1987]

Hey. Thought I posted last night but must not have come through. Couple things. I did see an email dated on her birthday. And this guy takes everyone in the office out to lunch one on one including other women - eapecially for birthdays. He makes a lot of money, is the cfo of the company and is always trying to get in peoples heads. It is a very political company and a lot of power plays are going on constantly. He works out over lunch with a married woman my wifes age a couple times a week too. I know that his wife knows about that too.

 

Not trying to make excuses, but just put things into context.

 

Of course I wouldn't have posted here if I didn't have a weird feeling. I am definitely the jealous insecure type so it really could just be me. I am seeing a therapist for the first time next week. We'll see how that goes.

[onemanband]

Don't chill be more concerned what harm will it do

[flowergirl14]

This is coming from someone who thought their spouse would never cheat not in 10,000 years. They will and do cheat. Maybe your wife isn't but its worth finding out. By the way dont ask her. Cheaters dont tell the truth.

[beatcuff]

When my neighbor asked where I was this Scott guy responded "she is with me"... So I let my wife know that I am offended by this guy making a comment like that to our neighbor.

 

this thread seems to be concentrating on this area. i find it odd if it did have some real meaning your wife was incapable of realizing this would create a problem. a/k/a when your wife saw the neighbor she would tell Scott to 'disappear' until the neighbor moved on. so i see this nothing more than 'joke' similar to work 'husband/wife'.

 

what you SHOULD be concerned with is why your wife has not invited you to these events (especially because the others are bringing their spouses). not because she is cheating but it appears she may have more 'fun' without you.

[elaine567]

 

what you SHOULD be concerned with is why your wife has not invited you to these events (especially because the others are bringing their spouses). not because she is cheating but it appears she may have more 'fun' without you.

 

I have known women who always leave their husbands at home because they feel they have more fun without them.

Not cheating, just "no fun" husbands, who sit and moan at work events.

[Just a Guy]

I guess if Debian has made up his mind as to what the whole thing is about then the rest of us need to chill! As I said before, he is the man who knows his wife best and should be able to read her like a book. If that is not the case then there is very little anyone else can do from the outside. I would suggest that Debian should try and contact someone on the inside if he can, who is not too close to his wife at work and yet can see if any thing is going on at work. Difficult I know but not impossible especially if he has met people at her work place on a social basis enough times to be able to establish a rapport with one of them. Just a suggestion. For the rest what I said before still holds. Check for slight changes in her behaviour patterns especially where she talks about her work day and who did what etc. Just keep up your antenna up and note any unusual things which may give you a lead on things. Best of luck with everything and I wish you the best. Hope it all works out for you.

[JohnsonBaby]

This is the scariest part of the whole post. No one offers to quit their job over something innocent that didn't happen. That makes her look really guilty.

 

Yup that's what I thought . Something fishy,she s dismissive at first and all of suddendly she d quit her job for it ?. I agree with the poster who suggested him to ask her to change job .

[Binster]

Changing a job is a big step for anyone.

 

There are numerous cases on here where cheating wives have to be literally forced to leave a job were a work based affair has happened (many refusing to do so).

 

Yet she's offered to switch jobs just like that.

 

It just seems strange.

[Lion Heart]

I have to say that I am surprised at all of the thoughtful comments and analysis. It is amazing to me that technology has enabled these communities where people can share their wisdom and advice. It is appreciated. I am stronger now because of it.

 

Friday night I was all alone until I reached out anonymously. Without your support I would still be alone with nothing but my own thoughts and self doubt. I am not feeling really great right now but I am feeling a little warmth from people I have never even known. That is pretty cool. Thanks.

 

Debian, LS is like that and enables masses of wisdom from people who've "been there". You may notice just how many MORE people have read this thread without posting, so helping you is helping others too.

 

The thing is that your gut is telling you that "something's" amiss in all the things, little or as "minor" as they seem. If your gut is telling you something then LISTEN.

 

My D Day was just over 4 months ago and I had NO FREAKING IDEA. The ONLY thing that was weird was that I'd had about 7 dreams of my H having sex with another woman (different each time - no doubt just as he'd want it!) but each time I raised it and FELT horribly uncomfortable doing so, he carried on like a turkey saying how he'd NEVER do ANYTHING like that EVER because he loved me and the kids FAR too much to risk it.

 

But risk it he did. 2.5y of dreams. Nothing more. I'm the furthest from a paranoid person as you'd ever expect to meet. Calm in crises etc.

 

Cheaters are liars. Some live so wildly in their heads that all sense of reality is absent. Affairs do this to a person, so I've learnt. EAs and PAs.

 

My point is this: trust your gut. I did after my dreams and it got me nowhere anyway! I guess if I'd trusted my gut MORE I may have found LS sooner and learnt WAY more, far earlier.

 

With that said, if you read here and through links, wider afield, you may realize that if a spouse is determined to have an A, they will. It's really up to us what our plan is after our D Day. Forewarned is forearmed.

 

Best wishes. I really hope it's nothing at all for you to be concerned about.

 

Lion Heart.

[sandylee1]

I have known women who always leave their husbands at home because they feel they have more fun without them.

Not cheating, just "no fun" husbands, who sit and moan at work events.

 

Having fun in a work setting isn't cheating. Spouses don't have to be joined at the hip. As long as boundaries are maintained it's not a problem. Sometimes, it's just more relaxing without a spouse and you don't feel like you have to keep them entertained.

 

I've worked in male dominated environments (law enforcement ), so I guess I'm used to the banter, which is sometimes a bit risqué, but it's harmless. Males co workers would think nothing of putting their arm across your shoulders. Of course you could tell them not to if it causes offence.