3 Years and 7 Months all gone...

[imbax]

its really painful, but even if she did respond you wouldnt have liked her response. she isn't going to change her mind. especially so soon after. so even if she had answered it wouldve set you back to square one.

 

don't leave it till next week and try again. she knows how you feel but she still doesnt want to be with you. remember how badly it felt breaking it with no response and hopefully that will help you fight the urge next time. its all part of the process. if you break it and feel horribly enough times you'll just naturally want to stop reaching out. it happened to me. she's actually doing you a favor by not responding even if you don't see it now. she's going to force you to move on rather than string you along with a little hope and that is much more mature and respectful. hang in there and don't break nc again! find a friend you can always call instead

 

 

Ok I won't break nc again. But the thing is, she told me if I ever need to say anything to her, I am free to and she would love to hear from me. I know for a fact at the moment there isn't another guy lined up, she just "wants space and time with her new friends" without having to feel like she needs to please me by seeing me. I'm hurting more and more everyday as time goes by without her. I feel so damn bad about myself and my self esteem has been torn.

 

I know she misses me and loves me but why can't she tell me these things when I messaged her? I'm so confused :/

[diamondgirl]

Ok I won't break nc again. But the thing is, she told me if I ever need to say anything to her, I am free to and she would love to hear from me. I know for a fact at the moment there isn't another guy lined up, she just "wants space and time with her new friends" without having to feel like she needs to please me by seeing me. I'm hurting more and more everyday as time goes by without her. I feel so damn bad about myself and my self esteem has been torn.

 

I know she misses me and loves me but why can't she tell me these things when I messaged her? I'm so confused :/

 

you can't take everything she said so literally. i think if you truly have something you need to say to her then fine but asking her to rethink her decision just isn't necessary. it shows her you aren't respecting her decision to end it. my ex said the same thing to be about please reaching out whenever and i did - a couple times - over the first few months. he answered me every single time but it made no difference. sometimes i told him i hated him. other times i said i loved him and wanted him to reconsider.he always answered and was nice and respectful. sometimes he would throw me breadcrumbs and tell me he loves me and sees a future with me but needs some time and other times he would tell me to move on. my point is, it really doesnt matter at this point what she does or doesnt say. i wouldve healed much quicker had i not kept reaching out to my ex.

 

it has nothing to do with another guy lined up. my ex had no one lined up right after and was very friendly to me every time i reached out for the first 4 months until he met a girl he started dating casually. at that time he was honest with me and would still answer always but he was a lot shorter and colder because he was now seeing someone. and for the record, my ex told me the same thing. he wanted time to be single and go out with friends and he started seeing someone else 4 months after the breakup.

 

the first three months are brutal. they just suck. i also felt like everyday was getting worse. you need to give yourself time to grieve but you also need to push yourself. moving on is a conscious decision. i didnt want to let go for a long time until i just got sick of being miserable. if she had messaged you and told you she loved and missed you nothing would have changed except for you would have temporary relief from false hope. i know because I've been there. im sorry to be harsh but she doesnt love or miss you enough to want to reconcile. the sooner you start accepting she doesnt love and miss you as much as you think, the sooner your healing process will begin.

[imbax]

you can't take everything she said so literally. i think if you truly have something you need to say to her then fine but asking her to rethink her decision just isn't necessary. it shows her you aren't respecting her decision to end it. my ex said the same thing to be about please reaching out whenever and i did - a couple times - over the first few months. he answered me every single time but it made no difference. sometimes i told him i hated him. other times i said i loved him and wanted him to reconsider.he always answered and was nice and respectful. sometimes he would throw me breadcrumbs and tell me he loves me and sees a future with me but needs some time and other times he would tell me to move on. my point is, it really doesnt matter at this point what she does or doesnt say. i wouldve healed much quicker had i not kept reaching out to my ex.

 

it has nothing to do with another guy lined up. my ex had no one lined up right after and was very friendly to me every time i reached out for the first 4 months until he met a girl he started dating casually. at that time he was honest with me and would still answer always but he was a lot shorter and colder because he was now seeing someone. and for the record, my ex told me the same thing. he wanted time to be single and go out with friends and he started seeing someone else 4 months after the breakup.

 

the first three months are brutal. they just suck. i also felt like everyday was getting worse. you need to give yourself time to grieve but you also need to push yourself. moving on is a conscious decision. i didnt want to let go for a long time until i just got sick of being miserable. if she had messaged you and told you she loved and missed you nothing would have changed except for you would have temporary relief from false hope. i know because I've been there. im sorry to be harsh but she doesnt love or miss you enough to want to reconcile. the sooner you start accepting she doesnt love and miss you as much as you think, the sooner your healing process will begin.

 

I'm not going to lie, I am quite crushed inside and I am finding it hard to do day to day things without feeling low. I keep imagining to a point that the circumstances weren't like this and it keeps me sane for a minute or so before I crash again and again to realise that she is never going to be there in my life anymore.

 

We studied throughout our uni life together and truly grew into each other until I had to move away from her these past few months. Our graduation is in 2 weeks and I told her when we broke up, that I would take photos with her for old times sake. But it will never be the same again. No matter how much I smile and act like I am happy, inside, I am broken. And I don't think I can ever be the same

[diamondgirl]

I'm not going to lie, I am quite crushed inside and I am finding it hard to do day to day things without feeling low. I keep imagining to a point that the circumstances weren't like this and it keeps me sane for a minute or so before I crash again and again to realise that she is never going to be there in my life anymore.

 

We studied throughout our uni life together and truly grew into each other until I had to move away from her these past few months. Our graduation is in 2 weeks and I told her when we broke up, that I would take photos with her for old times sake. But it will never be the same again. No matter how much I smile and act like I am happy, inside, I am broken. And I don't think I can ever be the same

 

you need to just relax a little. it is entirely normal to feel low and incapable of doing day to day activities for a short while after. this is all still new and fresh. it took me about a month before i could eat or sleep properly or concentrate on work and even when those things came back every single day was a struggle. some days are still a struggle. you can't keep imagining her coming back would fix everything. use this break up as a push to evaluate what you aren't happy about in your life and go from there. you need to take small baby steps. make yourself a list of short term goals you can achieve everyday - even if its as small as showering and getting dressed and meeting a friend for dinner after work. her coming back to you now would only be a short term solution to the pain youre feeling. it hasn't been enough time to make changes and it wouldnt last because clearly she was unhappy before.

 

its normal to smile but feel broken inside. you need to take a fake it till you make it sort of approach. i dated my ex from 15-23. i really didnt even know who i was without him and i grew up having him and his family as constant support. going through this breakup was the most painful thing i have ever had to deal with, but guess what, after 7 months i am ok. im still sad sometimes, yes. but i also have a lot of days where i feel truly and genuinely happy with myself and with my life. but it didnt happy overnight. you just need to stay busy and distracted and as more time passes you will find yourself feeling more and more back to yourself. no, things will never be the same. but that was her choice and you can't change it. and thats life. things change all the time. spending your time thinking backwards wont help anything. in the early days of my breakup i promised myself i would do one thing to make myself happy everyday - some days it was pampering myself or buying myself a gift, some days it was making plans with friends, other days it was as simple to treating myself to ice cream. as the months went on i challenged myself to write 5 things down every night that made me happy and feel grateful. it really helps to be reminded of and to focus on the things you still have rather than what you lost.

[imbax]

you need to just relax a little. it is entirely normal to feel low and incapable of doing day to day activities for a short while after. this is all still new and fresh. it took me about a month before i could eat or sleep properly or concentrate on work and even when those things came back every single day was a struggle. some days are still a struggle. you can't keep imagining her coming back would fix everything. use this break up as a push to evaluate what you aren't happy about in your life and go from there. you need to take small baby steps. make yourself a list of short term goals you can achieve everyday - even if its as small as showering and getting dressed and meeting a friend for dinner after work. her coming back to you now would only be a short term solution to the pain youre feeling. it hasn't been enough time to make changes and it wouldnt last because clearly she was unhappy before.

 

its normal to smile but feel broken inside. you need to take a fake it till you make it sort of approach. i dated my ex from 15-23. i really didnt even know who i was without him and i grew up having him and his family as constant support. going through this breakup was the most painful thing i have ever had to deal with, but guess what, after 7 months i am ok. im still sad sometimes, yes. but i also have a lot of days where i feel truly and genuinely happy with myself and with my life. but it didnt happy overnight. you just need to stay busy and distracted and as more time passes you will find yourself feeling more and more back to yourself. no, things will never be the same. but that was her choice and you can't change it. and thats life. things change all the time. spending your time thinking backwards wont help anything. in the early days of my breakup i promised myself i would do one thing to make myself happy everyday - some days it was pampering myself or buying myself a gift, some days it was making plans with friends, other days it was as simple to treating myself to ice cream. as the months went on i challenged myself to write 5 things down every night that made me happy and feel grateful. it really helps to be reminded of and to focus on the things you still have rather than what you lost.

 

I wrote this post today when I was feeling down, then 2.30pm swung by and i started feeling good about myself. I started feeling empowered and I didn't want her back for all the bad things she's done. She has mistreated me quite a fair bit this whole relationship and always taking me for granted.

 

I thank you so much for your post. At the moment my feelings are quite neutral but as a guy, there is one thing that I can't stand is the thought of some other guy ****ing the **** out of her and her enjoying it like she did when she was with me. I think it is a male instinct thing and I am working hard to get over this. I don't think females think much of sex (they love it when it is in the moment) but outside of these moments, they don't think much of it like guys. For me, I feel so betrayed and wrong that she can go out and have sex all around now with other guys who aren't me and I can't do or say anything because I am not with her. So I am still in the process of accepting this and letting it be.

 

Diamondgirl your relationship seemed to last such a long time and I am sorry that it had to end this way. I am the type of person who sees things through to the end, the good times, the bad times etc. If something is broken, you fix it, you don't just break it and hope better times will come (this rule of mine excludes cheating, physical abuse and other unspeakables). But for small disagreements and what nots....I am generally an okay person to tolerate things. I feel like my ex could not tolerate being with me anymore for heaps of reasons and that is not her nor my fault. In the end, we are just different different different people with little or no common interests or chemistry.

 

I really hope I don't wake up at 5am today thinking about her until I have to go to work at 8am tomorrow morning. I feel like I am getting heaps better by blocking her out of my life. Later this week I will be sitting my mid year registration exam which I will inevitably bump into her. I will just keep my head up and say hi and move on.

 

The reason I am recovering so damn fast and well is because:

 

1. I think I am a guy and I keep telling myself to man the fk up because I am meant to be the king and not a wuss.

 

2. She treated me like crap most of the relationship yet I put up with it because I am tolerant and I love her.

 

3. She never really put any effort into conversation or texting or small talks with me while I am away so doing NO CONTACT is not really that much different to how she normally is anyways. The only major difference is that: I am not the one texting her anymore, asking about how her day was, sending her good morning and good night texts etc.

 

So my biggest problem is: how do you let go of the jealousy that you feel when you imagine your ex having sex with other guys???

[imbax]

Someone help, it's 5.30am and I just had another nightmare of her I feel so alone

[imbax]

Hey guys I am missing her like crazy atm and I WANT to contact her! I was looking through some old photos off our earlier days and got nostalgic. I am holding back so hard but its a Friday night and I am curious what she is doing and if she would like to meet up to talk/hang?

 

The only part thats holding me back is the pure logic that:

 

a) she hasn't contacted me yet even though I was the one who broke NC a week ago....

 

b) if she wanted to hang she would have messaged me

 

c) I remember why she left because she was a real witch to me at times, making me feel like she is not worth it and makes me wonder why I put so much effort in with no returns

 

d) breaking NC would probably make her annoyed at me even more and push her further

[Natalie1995]

Hey. I have just broken up with my boyfriend of four years a few hours ago our stories had so many similarities that I made this profile to speak to you. Like you we were our first everything. we first got together when I had just turned 16 and he was the most loving and beautiful person I could have imagined. a 16 year olds dream. We moved to a city together only last year because we couldn't bare to be without each other again after his brief stint in university. He got a job and everything was going so wonderfully but he obtained a group of friends from working in this bar. A group of friends that inspired him to start staying out until 8 in the morning and leaving me all night not knowing where he was and doing drugs. He stopped caring about me and I felt like it was my fault. today I found messages he had sent to a girl about a date they had went on last week and that he was wanting to break up with me. So I did it because he wouldn't have and it would have just carried on. I 100 percent understand how you feel. I am now 20 years old with no friends because I invested all my time in loving him. so if you ever need someone to talk to I will be here for you.

[geronimo]

Same here bro like I said before my story is really similar to yours too and I'm here for you. But you gotta stick to NC be strong you can do it!

 

Natalie - I'm really sorry for what you're going through all I can say is be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions but you're young. My ex is your age and she didn't have friends either but I made sure she started to go out and meet new ppl and make friends. Didn't know that it would cause our breakup eventually but w/e **** happens. You seem like a smart girl who knows what she deserves and always keep that in mind, you deserve someone who treats you well and reciprocate the same feelings. Good luck!

[imbax]

Hey. I have just broken up with my boyfriend of four years a few hours ago our stories had so many similarities that I made this profile to speak to you. Like you we were our first everything. we first got together when I had just turned 16 and he was the most loving and beautiful person I could have imagined. a 16 year olds dream. We moved to a city together only last year because we couldn't bare to be without each other again after his brief stint in university. He got a job and everything was going so wonderfully but he obtained a group of friends from working in this bar. A group of friends that inspired him to start staying out until 8 in the morning and leaving me all night not knowing where he was and doing drugs. He stopped caring about me and I felt like it was my fault. today I found messages he had sent to a girl about a date they had went on last week and that he was wanting to break up with me. So I did it because he wouldn't have and it would have just carried on. I 100 percent understand how you feel. I am now 20 years old with no friends because I invested all my time in loving him. so if you ever need someone to talk to I will be here for you.

 

I am sorry to hear your loss. I understand it is one of the worst feelings in the world to having someone there to talk to everyday to all of a sudden being by yourself and sharing everything to yourself once again. The flashbacks that your mind creates of the good times, every kiss, every hug, every time they said something sweet to you, all the precious moments just flash at you and takes your breath away.

 

To be honest, the more I think about it, the more I realise that my girlfriend appreciated her friends and her family more than me. I felt like I was dragging her down whenever I wanted to see her. For example, if we hadn't met for a week, I would make plans but inside I had this feeling like I was disturbing her and felt as if I was annoying the heck out of her by making plans with her. I don't know if it was healthy to feel this way but in a way it sort of felt like I was forcing her to hang out with me (sometimes).

 

Our relationship probably wasn't healthy but when we actually did hang out, she seemed happy enough for me so I didn't think too highly of it. Another example is whenever we are around other people, she would always try and please everyone around her and did not really care about what I thought. For instance, when we went to eat at a restaurant with friends, I dropped her off so she could go with our friends and I would go and find parking in the city for us.... When I found parking and got to the restaurant, she didn't save me a seat next to her and it was filled by another one of my friends. When I asked her about it, she got angry and said I was always nagging her about these little things

 

It just shows you.... she never really appreciated me that much and whenever I told her how I felt, she would say that I am never happy with the way she is and blame the fault on me

 

Yes there was a stage in the relationship where she was excited and cheerful to see me, but I think times have changed and over the past few months in that she got more and more dull with me.

 

It went from being super excited and talking in a high toned voice whenever she saw me, tapering her mood down over the day into anger with me.

 

Now these past few months, I didn't get any of that, she was a LOT more serious with me (no more cute baby high pitch voices when she saw me anymore)

<--RED FLAG that I missed?

 

Another red flag in my relationship was that she NEVER made any plans with me and was NOT excited to see me whenever I came back to visit her once a week. Usually I work Mon-Fri (and so does she) so on Friday nights I would drive back to my home family. I had this feeling she didn't want to meet me on Friday night (because she wanted to be with her friends, or too tired etc) so I was cool with it and said SATURDAY can be our day. This obviously went on for a few months and became a routine for us. Until one day 2 weeks ago, she said she wanted more time with friends and needed space because she is sick of having someone there 24/7

 

I am really cut at the way she can so selfishly drop me and honestly, I don't see much hope of a reconciliation unless she is willing to change her old ways and not treat me like a pile of crap.

 

At the moment, after 2 weeks of the break up, I am feeling quite indifferent to her for all the stuff she has put me through, I just hope one day I can fall in love again with the girl of my dreams, someone who comes with the WHOLE package, but at the moment I am just trying to focus on myself which I was doing pretty much anyways even when I was going out with her so not much has changed.

 

The distance has made her feelings die out (even though she says she loves me and misses me) I feel like actions speak louder than words. I am a little bit upset at myself for putting myself through all this pain and effort just to get dumped and ditched for her own desires of happiness through friends and her new work place.

 

A chilling thought: before we both started our full time jobs, I told her: "I hope you don't forget where your true friends are when you start your new job". 4 months later....she is committing all of her time socialising with her new department of friends and coworkers. zzzzzzzz

 

It just sucks because I don't think there was anything I could have ever done or said that would keep her with me. It is just destiny at its best. I have always felt that she is a "people pleaser" and would put everyone else's happiness before her own boyfriends.

 

Am I wrong to want a bit of affection from her here and there? She would rarely ever show me any affection (I am talking about holding my hand, cuddling up etc.) When I told her I would appreciate it if she showed me more affection, and I got blamed "why can't you just be happy with the way I am, why do you always need affection" blahblahblah. Then she told me she was different to other girls and that if I wanted more affection, I should "find a girl who can give it to you".

 

Sorry for the rant but I am a bit fed up with myself and everything that's happened.

 

 

Same here bro like I said before my story is really similar to yours too and I'm here for you. But you gotta stick to NC be strong you can do it!

 

Natalie - I'm really sorry for what you're going through all I can say is be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions but you're young. My ex is your age and she didn't have friends either but I made sure she started to go out and meet new ppl and make friends. Didn't know that it would cause our breakup eventually but w/e **** happens. You seem like a smart girl who knows what she deserves and always keep that in mind, you deserve someone who treats you well and reciprocate the same feelings. Good luck!

 

I think a lot of our stories share a similar backbone, however I honestly honestly felt like my girlfriends love was immature and she did not emotionally understand nor connect with me properly like a proper girlfriend does. Now I don't know if I am wrong or if she is wrong, but I never actually "felt the love" if you know what I mean? We were each others firsts so we both have nothing to compare to, but I consider myself to have quite a high emotional intelligence. In addition, my friends and family have told me my ex was different to most girls. As in, she would rarely go out of her way to see me/text me/do nice things and was always so withdrawn most of the time. I can't put my finger on it but this break up has made me bitter.

 

My ex-girlfriend was stubborn, she would never apologise for anything even if it was her fault. She would never back down or be the first one to say sorry. She was a complete feminist and would always back a girl up even if the girl was in the wrong. I just felt like I was bullied throughout my whole relationship. Towards the end, whenever she got angry she started physically abusing (not play fighting, she went all out full strength) me with pinching, slapping, she punched my chest once or twice when she was in her angry state and the worst time was when she pushed me off my own bed without warning in her anger which resulted in my elbow skin getting torn off. That's when I kicked her out of the house. (Then I stupidly ended up apologizing for making her do that to me) ARGH I feel like I am such a push over guy.

 

I am sad guys, no doubt about it.

Edited May 2, 2015 by imbax

[imbax]

Judging by my feeling, I think she has 90% moved on from me and is getting on with daily life as per normal. Me on the other hand, I still have her in my mind for the majority of the day, I think I am more fed up and bitter about the relationship so I'm probably only 50% moved on. I'm gonna start packing and deleting old convos because I don't expect her to ever contact me ever again.

[imbax]

So we both had an exam today in the morning...I knew she was there but I tried to avoid / stay out of my way.... afterwards I completely broke down in the car because it reminded me of how different things are. We would have normally had some food, she would have come over and we would have watched a movie and now....it's just loneliness and despair. I just mentally broke down in the car on my drive home.

 

The part that hurts most is: she doesn't give a rats ass about me, she is perfectly fine without me.

[imbax]

guys...i'm breaking NC. Gonna write her my final message I don't care if i get a reply anymore, its over. I can't stand it anymore, i'll let you know how it goes

[Ruby65]

Dude, you think that reaching out is going to ease your pain.... and it might for a day or two. But then you'll be right back to where you are now, with the added regret of having poured your heart out in a letter to someone who only views you as a Plan B option.

 

She's not going to take you back because of a letter. It's going to make you look clingy and pathetic.

 

Be the strong guy you are. Even if you don't feel very strong right now, you can act as if.

 

[johan]

guys...i'm breaking NC. Gonna write her my final message I don't care if i get a reply anymore, its over. I can't stand it anymore, i'll let you know how it goes

 

People will tell you it's a mistake. It's what you have to do. I recommend writing it but not sending it for a while. If you send it, you'll realize there is nothing to be gained from it. But it's not always wise to run from pain. People who know best are the ones who did the suffering.

Edited May 3, 2015 by johan

[imbax]

Change of plans guys, I withheld the letter for the future and am currently in the process of developing a "how to get your ex back" guide. I'll post the guide up tomorrow and I can be the guinea pig to see if it works or not given set circumstances. Keep an eye out for it!

[johan]

People will tell you it's a mistake. It's what you have to do. I recommend writing the plan but then not attempting any part of it. If you do try to get her back, you'll realize it's no different from asking her to tear your heart out a few more times until you're completely broken down. But it's not always wise to run from pain. People who know best are the ones who actually did the suffering. If you don't suffer you won't really know.

[imbax]

Hey guys thanks for all the support you have given me, this forum is a perfect place to vent whenever I am feeling lonely.

 

UPDATE: I didn't end up breaking NC, and thankfully after a few days of thinking and near-breaks, I am relieved I haven't broken NC. Currently I am at around day 9 of NC (last time I broke NC 9 days ago and she didn't reply) it is almost 3 weeks since the break up and I am not really feeling that much better. This week has been the hardest week so far as I have just finally come to realise that I don't have her anymore and it's hitting me harder. I sort of knew that this was coming to me, hopefully it doesn't get worse from here out.

 

I don't know if this is normal, but I feel as if the failure of the relationship is my fault. I have created a list of what traits that could have pushed her away from me:

 

1. I texted her like a normal person, however when she did not text back and had time to post on Facebook and comment on other people's posts I got annoyed and hassled her about it (this happened too many times for me to count).

 

2. I would get annoyed because she rarely initiated or updated me on what she was doing (I just wanted her to share her day/moments with me but she couldn't meet my expectation therefore she told me I was "hard to please" and "never happy with her".

 

3. I would get upset and act like a baby if she cancelled a date on me. Now this was warranted sometimes because she had cancelled many dates some of which I shouldn't have gotten too upset with (because she was sick one of the times yet I couldn't see past my selfish needs and WANTED to see her).

 

4. I complained a lot in the relationship because of things she did or didn't do. I feel like such a cry-baby reflecting back on the moments I complained and wasn't happy with some of the things she did. I was reading some of my older emails and I sounded so immature and pushy back then. Back then, she agreed to try harder and change, but I realise it was just stupid of me to try to change her little things.

 

5. I was emotionless when we went to do her things such as going to christmas church with her and her family (I am not religious). Or even helping her pick out stuff for shopping. I agree that it is hard for me to show emotion during these events, but I was told that I should at least show that I give a crap.

 

6. I had no social skills at the dinner table, I would rarely say a word and kept my head down and ate unless I was prompted and therefore let her do all the talking. She HATED this and wanted me to be a bit more social with others, but it just wasn't my thing to be the spotlight of the table.

 

7. I didn't really talk to her when we ate out together, she HATED this because she told me "what's the point in going out to eat when we are just eating our food and not talking to each other".

 

8. I would be a baby sometimes when I didn't get my way such as with sex or with meeting up. I just realised I am so immature and can be such a cry baby at times. I realise this probably turned her off even more.

 

9. At one or two stages in our relationship, I was going through some real anger issues (not sure why) and she seriously hated this. I hated myself for being like that but I ended up controlling my anger in recent months/years and became a better person who is now calm in most situations. I guess she saw the side in me that scared/put her off me.

 

10. I threw a pen at her once in my anger because she wouldn't break a habit that I hated. It took me so much apologising and begging for her forgiveness to get her over this. She told me I was becoming violent and aggressive and if it had happened again, she would leave. Thankfully, I learnt my lesson and never did anything violent ever again.

 

11. Towards the last few months of the relationship, I started raising my voice and shouting at her during arguments. I am not proud of this and neither is she. I felt so damn silly for raising my voice with her. I should have been the man and controlled my emotions. Although this happened so rarely, it was one of the points she brought up during the breakup. (Because I never used to raise my voice at her)

 

12. I reflect back on myself, and maybe I am a selfish guy who only wants what I want and never caring for anything else outside the relationship such mutual friends etc. Maybe it's my attitude towards them or my behaviours.

 

13. For various reasons, I had my insecurities. You ask my why? Did the chicken or egg come first? She did things that made me insecure and in turn, my insecurity made her do things to increase my insecurity.

 

Example 1: she would tell me that we should break up whenever she is going overseas so that it would be easier.

Example 2: when we first had sex, she told me she would want to experiment with various different men so that she could gain experience, then come back to me and teach me.

Example 3: she would rarely ever plan any dates out with me.

Example 4: she never initiated texts, if I don't text, she doesn't either (not always).

Example 5: she was never jealous or protective and did not care who I was with or hung out with, she even told me I could go into strip clubs if I wanted to, but just bring a condom. I felt like if I wasn't worth protecting, she didn't really care, hence driving my insecurities through the roof.

Example 6: Near the start of the relationship, she kept telling me how she would imagine random men in public and how they would be like with her in bed.

 

Of course, a lot of these things changed with time, and I told her I was not happy that she thought / said those things to me so she did change heaps to suit me, but I was forever scarred by this and had my insecurities throughout the whole relationship. I should have just been cool with things and chilled out.

 

In the end, she never really tried to work on my issues. She could have helped me by explaining to me how I could be a better person and work towards reducing my stresses and getting positive outcomes for these issues. She always told me "she was trying her best already" but I felt like she wasn't. In the end, it didn't matter because she told me "she was sick of trying to change and we should just find people that are happy with the way we are". Honestly, I was happy with the way she is, I just wanted us to grow into each other more. She wasn't having any of it and gave up in the end. No matter what tough situations there are in a relationship, I was always there fixing it, she wanted the easy way out and gave up trying. I hate myself for being so damn determined all the time at fixing a losing battle and find it so unbelievable when she just gives everything we have ever built together all up in a few minutes.

 

I also understand that if there is any hope of a reconciliation. It would have to be initiated by her. And at the moment, I think she will NC me forever with ease. I am so scared that I will never hear from her again and that she has moved on already. I still left heartbroken thinking about her 24/7. I only get 3 hours of sleep every night. I just hate the situation I am in because I feel like I am trapped. If I text her and break NC, it pushes her away and annoys her. If I don't text her, she will never text me and she will move on. I feel SO hopeless atm like nothing I can do will be enough. As a result, I am just starting to accept destiny and fate. I am accepting that this is an opportunity to learn and get through the rough times. Heartbreak makes you wiser. I am respecting her decision that she can't be happy with me, and I don't blame her, maybe it is entirely my fault and I am just a horrible person who can't get anything right with anyone.

 

Overall, if I could go back, I would change all of this and really try to become a better man. That would make me the perfect boyfriend in ALL aspects. I guess now that I realise this, I will try and work on my issues and make a better me into my next love of my life

Edited May 5, 2015 by imbax

[Ruby65]

Well, here's a common mistake people make when it comes to breakups and reconciliation.

 

They examine their own behavior and find ways to blame themselves for the breakup: I did A, B, C and D.

 

They then decide to change A, B, C and D about themselves.... thinking this will magically bring back the feelings of love your ex once had for you.

 

Only, it doesn't. If you spill a glass of grape juice on a white carpet, it's leaving a stain. Going back and changing everything you did that lead up to the spill.... doesn't remove the stain.

 

Her feelings for you are gone.... and changing yourself to fix the things you THINK lead to the breakup won't bring them back.

 

She broke up with you because she lost feelings for you. It was a long time coming. It doesn't have to do with *you*.... it has to do with her and the stage she's at in her own life. She's too young to settle down with any one person forever. She needs to grow and experience dating other people and living as a single adult.

 

You can beat yourself up for all your perceived flaws and faults.... but I have to tell you that if she still FELT romantic love for you, none of them would've mattered to her.

 

Speaking as a dumper who changed my mind and asked for another chance, I can tell you it had nothing whatsoever to do with any changes my ex had made to himself. We had TOTAL No contact for almost a year, I had no idea what he was doing. I didn't *want* him to change -- my feelings weren't conditional on self-improvement. I loved and missed the old him, flaws and all. That's what I wanted and that's what I went back to.

 

Keep moving forward, stick to your NC.

 

It's going to be up and down for a while, but in time it WILL get better.

[imbax]

Well, here's a common mistake people make when it comes to breakups and reconciliation.

 

They examine their own behavior and find ways to blame themselves for the breakup: I did A, B, C and D.

 

They then decide to change A, B, C and D about themselves.... thinking this will magically bring back the feelings of love your ex once had for you.

 

Only, it doesn't. If you spill a glass of grape juice on a white carpet, it's leaving a stain. Going back and changing everything you did that lead up to the spill.... doesn't remove the stain.

 

Her feelings for you are gone.... and changing yourself to fix the things you THINK lead to the breakup won't bring them back.

 

She broke up with you because she lost feelings for you. It was a long time coming. It doesn't have to do with *you*.... it has to do with her and the stage she's at in her own life. She's too young to settle down with any one person forever. She needs to grow and experience dating other people and living as a single adult.

 

You can beat yourself up for all your perceived flaws and faults.... but I have to tell you that if she still FELT romantic love for you, none of them would've mattered to her.

 

Speaking as a dumper who changed my mind and asked for another chance, I can tell you it had nothing whatsoever to do with any changes my ex had made to himself. We had TOTAL No contact for almost a year, I had no idea what he was doing. I didn't *want* him to change -- my feelings weren't conditional on self-improvement. I loved and missed the old him, flaws and all. That's what I wanted and that's what I went back to.

 

Keep moving forward, stick to your NC.

 

It's going to be up and down for a while, but in time it WILL get better.

 

Thank you Ruby for your support. I am feeling a bit better after a huge dip yesterday. Hopefully I last through and forget all about her soon. Almost 10 days NC it's felt long yet surprisingly fast at the same time. Never imagined I would be without her, guess I am still young and stupid.

[Ruby65]

10 days is very very early days still.

 

It's going to take more time, but if you stick with NC you'll get there.

[imbax]

Thanks Ruby. I've always joked to my ex that she was my drug. Only now I realise how true it is when she's gone. I need a hit of her. I can't believe how dangerous girls can be. Once you get hooked in, I can't seem to get enough of her. And now that she is gone, I'm getting withdrawal/ comedown symptoms. So bad! At least NC is going cold turkey and helping me recover faster

[Ruby65]

Truer than you know.... your brain actually is going through withdrawal right now from the feel-good chemicals its come to associate with her!

[imbax]

I woke up a bit down again this morning. I miss her like crazy, what the heck is wrong with me. Someone hit some sense into me, I feel so lost without her in my life

[hestheone66]

Ive read a lot but not all of this thread. Do you have friends? It sounds like you only had her which is contributing to your feelings of loneliness and isolation. Sounds like you have trouble relating to people. You mentioned awkward dinner dates and that you dont socialise (or see the point of it).

 

While your self reflection is good and many of the things you mention indicate immaturity it is very clear that the two of you were never compatible and you had very different needs. Her not being possessive of you and constantly talking about other men is a sign she had wanted out for a long time and maybe was hoping you would get the hint.

 

You need some life coaching or counselling so you can recognize the social cues better . Keep posting here when you need to.