3 Years and 7 Months all gone...

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

Come on man. Don't try, just do it. That was hard, and it truly sucks. But it's a lesson learned, remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! I can't give you false hope and tell you yes she will come back eventually, by how it went you should use it as fuel to move on sincerely. Be happy with yourself as of this moment and push forward. If you look back, look back at what went wrong, what made YOU uncomfortable and in what's ways you can change certain aspects. You're not a bad person, even with breaking NC it happens, trust me I too learned my lesson and came back with more thorns in my heart then I started with. Suerte!

-F

[imbax]

Okay well before she got mad at me she did insist on coming to visit me in hospital as she works right next door to the hospital (in another hospital building). I'll message her to visit me, this time no expectations and hopefully she can forgive me for bringing up the past and making her mad tonight.

[johan]

Okay well before she got mad at me she did insist on coming to visit me in hospital as she works right next door to the hospital (in another hospital building). I'll message her to visit me, this time no expectations and hopefully she can forgive me for bringing up the past and making her mad tonight.

 

No contact means no contact. Not to mention she told you not to message her anymore. If she wants to see you, she'll find you. You just need to focus on your life without her.

[hunk]

Imbax, wtf are you doing? Where is your self respect? This girl has told you in no uncertain terms she's moved on. She's not interested in you. Stop this, stop messaging her, leave her alone. There's nothing left here anymore, this is completely over. You are degrading yourself every time you contact her. I think you want to feel like garbage, I think deep down you are drawn to this feeling. Do you know why she met up with you? Because she knew you weren't over her and she felt like receiving a complete ego rub from you. She just walked out on you at dinner after telling you she's moved on and you now plan to message her to come and see you in hospital? Why don't you cut your dick off and send it to her on a silver platter? You've hit rock bottom here. Stop it, pick yourself up, this is becoming sad. This girl is not coming back to you, not in 2 months, not in 2 years. Your messages to her scream nothing but neediness and your behavior when you saw her just reinforced this. There is no attraction, no desire, nothing but uncomfortable pity she feels for you. You're showing her a side of you that is repulsing her.

 

Please dude, just delete her number and get on with it.

[imbax]

Imbax, wtf are you doing? Where is your self respect? This girl has told you in no uncertain terms she's moved on. She's not interested in you. Stop this, stop messaging her, leave her alone. There's nothing left here anymore, this is completely over. You are degrading yourself every time you contact her. I think you want to feel like garbage, I think deep down you are drawn to this feeling. Do you know why she met up with you? Because she knew you weren't over her and she felt like receiving a complete ego rub from you. She just walked out on you at dinner after telling you she's moved on and you now plan to message her to come and see you in hospital? Why don't you cut your dick off and send it to her on a silver platter? You've hit rock bottom here. Stop it, pick yourself up, this is becoming sad. This girl is not coming back to you, not in 2 months, not in 2 years. Your messages to her scream nothing but neediness and your behavior when you saw her just reinforced this. There is no attraction, no desire, nothing but uncomfortable pity she feels for you. You're showing her a side of you that is repulsing her.

 

Please dude, just delete her number and get on with it.

 

Ok, unfortunately you are right. Wtf was I thinking? I really hit rock bottom when I saw her today at uni. I think that triggered me into breaking NC to see how she was. This caused another huge dip. You are right, I shouldn't message her anymore for whatever reason. It's over. I just had to learn the hard way. I can't but help feel so damn sorry for myself.

[hunk]

I understand how you feel, I really do. But you just need to stop this, you need to WANT to move on. Everyone screws up, especially in their first relationships. You are just hurting yourself over and over and it's sad to watch/hear about. Please listen to the advice I give you. All I am telling you to do is delete her phone number, stop even thinking about contacting her, and understand that she does not want anything to do with you in terms of dating or a relationship. Once you properly do/understand this you can start to properly heal. Right now you are a train wreck.

[UnknownPerson]

I know exactly what you were feeling, your heart was pounding when you knew you were going to meet/talk and hope came back. Giving advice and taking it are two different worlds. Sometimes we have to learn it the hard way, as did i, as did you.

 

Please, for the love of god, its over now.

 

I am going to give you the cold hard truth, she probarly has another guy...

Drop the case and move on, once and for all.

 

You are going to make it buddy, see this as a new beginning

[dangerbang]

Jesus man I hope for your sake you don't message her again. And if you do it'll just cause more drama and this will keep happening until you accept that you have to move on with your life.

It's just a girl and you only live once. Think how irrelevant she is in the grand scheme of the universe. Think how irrelevant you are! Make the most of your life and stop letting this girl d*ck you around. Although you seem to be bringing a lot of the pain upon yourself buddy. Get well soon.

[diamondgirl]

why on earth would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you, who tells you to your face that she is over you? is it what you wanted? no. does it suck? yes. is it sad? yes. but you have to let it go. you are letting her hurt you. from your posts it sounds like she didnt even treat you well in the relationship.

 

she is never coming back to you. you are looking for the quick fix here. absolutely do not contact her to visit you in the hospital. let her go. don't contact her ever. moving on is a choice. you need to devote yourself to it or it will never happen. sometimes we need to learn the hard way but you are quite literally banging your head against the wall. give yourself two weeks to cry, be sad, obsess whatever and then force yourself to get up and get out and move on. youre only hurting yourself here.

[imbax]

No contact means no contact. Not to mention she told you not to message her anymore. If she wants to see you, she'll find you. You just need to focus on your life without her.

 

Yeah I am just screwed in the head, that's just me. I think I need someone to punch me in the head real hard so I can forget about this girl.

 

I understand how you feel, I really do. But you just need to stop this, you need to WANT to move on. Everyone screws up, especially in their first relationships. You are just hurting yourself over and over and it's sad to watch/hear about. Please listen to the advice I give you. All I am telling you to do is delete her phone number, stop even thinking about contacting her, and understand that she does not want anything to do with you in terms of dating or a relationship. Once you properly do/understand this you can start to properly heal. Right now you are a train wreck.

 

You are completely 100% right here. I brought this upon myself. I have no self-dignity. No matter what I do I keep having this soft spot for this girl. I thought I would have full self control but I only ended up stroking her ego. I just want to find someone who will love me the same, but as hard as I try I can't have the same butterfly feelings towards anyone else.

 

I know exactly what you were feeling, your heart was pounding when you knew you were going to meet/talk and hope came back. Giving advice and taking it are two different worlds. Sometimes we have to learn it the hard way, as did i, as did you.

 

Please, for the love of god, its over now.

 

I am going to give you the cold hard truth, she probarly has another guy...

Drop the case and move on, once and for all.

 

You are going to make it buddy, see this as a new beginning

 

Yes I see that it is clearly over now for the time being. Maybe in another year or two she may come back. But at the moment, as far as I can see, it is 100% over for good. I am going to try and focus on moving on in my life and see where that can take me.

 

Jesus man I hope for your sake you don't message her again. And if you do it'll just cause more drama and this will keep happening until you accept that you have to move on with your life.

It's just a girl and you only live once. Think how irrelevant she is in the grand scheme of the universe. Think how irrelevant you are! Make the most of your life and stop letting this girl d*ck you around. Although you seem to be bringing a lot of the pain upon yourself buddy. Get well soon.

 

Yeah I only live once and theres no point getting hung up over one girl in the universe. I think I am just in over my own head these days and I am really looking for a quick fix. I will just stop and try to move on. I will stop bringing pain to myself but it is sort of hard when you see them moving on while you are in your own miserable world suffering.

 

why on earth would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you, who tells you to your face that she is over you? is it what you wanted? no. does it suck? yes. is it sad? yes. but you have to let it go. you are letting her hurt you. from your posts it sounds like she didnt even treat you well in the relationship.

 

she is never coming back to you. you are looking for the quick fix here. absolutely do not contact her to visit you in the hospital. let her go. don't contact her ever. moving on is a choice. you need to devote yourself to it or it will never happen. sometimes we need to learn the hard way but you are quite literally banging your head against the wall. give yourself two weeks to cry, be sad, obsess whatever and then force yourself to get up and get out and move on. youre only hurting yourself here.

 

I don't know diamond girl, i think I am a little bit crazy over this girl. She gave me so many butterflies seeing her again. I had hope that she was still in love with me and missed me. I was right about the missing bit, but she had no intentions of getting back together.

 

Things I learnt so far that has gave me the closure I needed:

 

1. She has gone on a few dates with other guys she met but did not have the same feeling as she did for them as she did for me.

 

2. She told me she had thought about this little by little over the past 8 months and one day she woke up and thought, yes its clear that the breakup has to be done.

 

3. She says I am the greatest boyfriend ever and the next girl to have me will be the luckiest in the world

 

4. She told me we had some really big issues (I still don't know what they are yet - probably the fights about the same little things) that she couldn't see past

 

5. She told me she would be happy for me and my next girlfriend but would feel an ounce of sadness that it is not her by my side

 

6. She told me she has almost completely moved on and has done so because she has only been saying good things about me to other people around her

 

7. She has not deleted anything of ours as she believes that she will never erase us, but only merely move on from us.

 

8. She said she is a lot happier these days as she feels less suffocated by being in a relationship and has a lot more time to go out clubbing with others, exercise, do her own artistic stuff rather than spend time with me

 

9. When I tried to hold her hand and kiss her she pulled back and said I was making this hard for both of us.

 

10. She told me that when I said "she fell out of love with me thats why she broke up with me and people in love with each other don't break up", she told me that she is just being realistic and even though she did love me, she had to do it for the best. This statement then sent her into anger and she left me without another word. As she is apparently more "realistic" about things.

 

11. She told me she put in 110% effort that is why she is happy with her decision with no regrets about it.

 

12. She told me she couldn't be with me because I had to go back to uni to study to become a doctor for the next 4-5 years and she can't wait that long for me.

 

 

 

UPDATE: She thanked me for the pressie i gave her last night and wished me luck for my surgery today.

 

I am just going to send her a thank you and start moving on.

[johan]

I think I need someone to punch me in the head real hard so I can forget about this girl.

 

Where do you live? Maybe you can find someone here to come punch you in the head.

[diamondgirl]

i ran into my ex boyfriend last week and i still had butterflies and we broke up in september. does it mean i want to get back together no? when you love someone so much, it takes a long time to get those butterflies to fade.

 

you can't find someone else to love right now because you have not healed and moved on yet. first, you need to accept the ending of your relationship and make the choice to move forward. after months of nc and a true concerted effort to focus on other things, you will naturally start moving on and at the right time, you will be ready and the right girl will enter the picture. you aren't helping yourself by over analyzing everything she said about the relationship. it doesnt change anything.

 

you need to change your routine. find some new hobbies, plan a trip, make plans with friends. don't be mad at yourself if you have a bad day, but don't also think that means you will never get over her. its not linear. give yourself some time to cry if you need to but force yourself to get up and get out. do not think of dating right now. you are not ready. watch movies, read books, exercise. distract your mind.

 

i made the same mistake you did - more than once. i got many of the same replies youre getting now from my family and friends. everyone was sick of me letting this guy who left me impact my entire life. i am young and have a lot going on for me and i was quite literally sitting home alone pining for someone who started a new relationship during this time. it doesnt mean we had the greatest love in the world. it just means i didnt WANT to move on. i was addicted to the sadness and in some sense it kept me connected to him in a weird way. but until i felt truly ready to let him go, i kept giving in, contacting him, meeting up, etc. it isolated a lot of my support system. finally i decided to truly let it go. he knows how to find me. if at some point he feels differently, he will let me know. theres no point in me doing anything about the situation.

 

and you know what? about 2.5 months after i truly let it go, i met my new boyfriend. and not because i was looking for one. it happened by chance. and i am very happy with him. of course i still think of my ex sometimes. every relationship is different and there are things i miss but i don't dwell because i know right now, i am on the right path for me. im not sure what will happen in the future with my ex, with my current boyfriend, or with any other guys. we can sit and speculate and guess but the truth is no one knows and things will unfold naturally as time goes on. all you can do is live your life and be open to other experiences. right now you aren't living your life, you are sitting home feeling sorry for yourself. once you start doing things you like: hanging out with friends, finding new hobbies, making new friends, etc. then everything will fall into place.

[Natalie1995]

Imbax, I definitely think that you are at the bargaining stage of your grieving process where you think texting might trigger certain events and so on. To move forward you will need to accept that it's over. It's not an easy task but as soon as you have, you will be a step forward in getting over this girl. take some time to do things that you love and spend time with friends and try to be who you are again. I wish you all the best and I hope things begin to get easier <3

[imbax]

Guys I woke up in hospital today and I came to a realisation. No matter how much she says she loves me and cares, she didn't. She even put seeing her friends that she claims "hasn't seen in a long time" over seeing me in hospital. This was exactly how it was in the relationship let alone now. I'm over it. I don't care how she brainwashes me into making me believe she put in 110% and cares about me, she can be angry at me all she likes for not believing her or me always "playing the victim". Her actions have shown, she doesn't give a ****, and I am going to live the single life until the perfect girl pops up and actually gives a **** without saying she does. I'm over it guys, peace.

[wizer]

And I said one day she will find a guy who she knows the true meaning of love and won't break up with you over some issues.

 

In that one statement you completely disrespected her, you insulted her, and you completely disregarded her right to end a relationship in which she was not satisfied.

 

No wonder she got pissed off at you.

 

If it's any consolation, nothing you could have said or done would have changed her mind, but perhaps if you had played it cool and were accepting of her decision, and you didn't get emotional, the two of you could have parted friends. Then again, it's much better this way, she's completely shut you out of her life and that will, in the long run, help you heal faster because you're not doing such a great job of it at the moment.

 

Please, do not contact her again. For your own sake, no one else's.

[imbax]

I don't care anymore. im over it, see u guys. Thx for everything

[imbax]

In that one statement you completely disrespected her, you insulted her, and you completely disregarded her right to end a relationship in which she was not satisfied.

 

No wonder she got pissed off at you.

 

Please, do not contact her again. For your own sake, no one else's.

 

Its the truth though. She said she loved me but why would someone leave you if they love you? Thats one of the examples I used to make my point. Plus she hasn't left me for good, she thanked me for the pressies yesterday and wished me luck.

 

Today I pretty much told her in a nicer way than fk off, but meant it. She wished me to get better soon. Thats it. I am going to continue to take pain meds until my pain is over.

[wizer]

Its the truth though. She said she loved me but why would someone leave you if they love you?

 

She gave you a lot of answers during your conversation with her before you pissed her off. In most cases, the dumper just disappears and there are no answers, and you find the dumpees coming to forums like this and asking why?

 

She told you why. In the beginning it was great, but doubts started creeping in and she eventually came to the conclusion that despite her love for you, the two of you are just very different and she wouldn't be happy with you in the long run. Just "being in love" isn't enough.

 

There's probably more too it than that. From reading between the lines of your posts, I believe that you are a very needy, insecure guy and you smothered her in the relationship which is why she felt such a sense of relief when she started spending less time with you.

 

You really punctuated this and validated her decision by your freak out during your last conversation together when your bitterness at the breakup showed through and you got angry and showed no restraint and basically chased after her as she tried to get away from you as fast as she could.

 

The sad part of this whole thing is that she still has feelings for you, and it's possible that she met with you this last time to see if there was any chance of saving this thing but rather then you surprising her by being calm, cool, collected, and accepting, you were the same way you always were, if not worse.

 

Just for a moment, visualize, from her perspective, how the dinner might have gone if you were just sort of laid back, and understanding, and you listened to what she had to say, and you nodded in agreement, and said things like "we had good times, but I understand why things didn't work out and I wish you the best of luck" and just left it at that, rather than taking digs at her because you've been dumped.

 

Sometimes people do get back together but that requires hard work and change. So work on yourself, do what is necessary to build your independence, self worth, and confidence, and who knows? Maybe the two of you will get together in the future and she'll like what she sees, but that's a long shot. At any rate you'll be improving yourself so you don't smother the next woman who you find yourself in a relationship with.

Edited June 3, 2015 by wizer

[hunk]

^^^^ This. All of this.

[Pastmen]

Can someone give some examples of smothering a girl in a relationship. Just want to know if I did that as well.

Just how do you react to stuff, or what are the signs that you are smothering someone in a relationship...

[wizer]

Can someone give some examples of smothering a girl in a relationship. Just want to know if I did that as well.

Just how do you react to stuff, or what are the signs that you are smothering someone in a relationship...

 

You are the one always initiating contact via phone, text, email, etc.

The other person wants more "alone time" than you do.

You constantly seek reassurance that the other person feels the same way that you do about one another

You don't do much of anything on your own, and/or your significant other prefers to do more outside the relationship, with other people, than you are comfortable with.

You try to convince the other person to do things with you that they don't want to do, and/or you feel that you don't spend enough time together- and the other person does not share those same feelings.

You find yourself asking the other person questions about what they do, and who they're with, when they're not with you.

You get angry or upset when your needs are not met by your relationship partner

 

 

That's for starters

[joseb]

She has said some extremely cruel and mean things to me. I just can't believe she raged and walked out then told me not to message her again until I am over it. That hurts the most because I feel like I am the one in pain and she doesn't care.

She is absolutely right to tell you not to contact her again until you are over her.

Everyone on here has told you the same thing.

So please listen.

Its over.

Move on.

No contact.

[imbax]

She gave you a lot of answers during your conversation with her before you pissed her off. In most cases, the dumper just disappears and there are no answers, and you find the dumpees coming to forums like this and asking why?

 

She told you why. In the beginning it was great, but doubts started creeping in and she eventually came to the conclusion that despite her love for you, the two of you are just very different and she wouldn't be happy with you in the long run. Just "being in love" isn't enough.

 

There's probably more too it than that. From reading between the lines of your posts, I believe that you are a very needy, insecure guy and you smothered her in the relationship which is why she felt such a sense of relief when she started spending less time with you.

 

You really punctuated this and validated her decision by your freak out during your last conversation together when your bitterness at the breakup showed through and you got angry and showed no restraint and basically chased after her as she tried to get away from you as fast as she could.

 

The sad part of this whole thing is that she still has feelings for you, and it's possible that she met with you this last time to see if there was any chance of saving this thing but rather then you surprising her by being calm, cool, collected, and accepting, you were the same way you always were, if not worse.

 

Just for a moment, visualize, from her perspective, how the dinner might have gone if you were just sort of laid back, and understanding, and you listened to what she had to say, and you nodded in agreement, and said things like "we had good times, but I understand why things didn't work out and I wish you the best of luck" and just left it at that, rather than taking digs at her because you've been dumped.

 

Sometimes people do get back together but that requires hard work and change. So work on yourself, do what is necessary to build your independence, self worth, and confidence, and who knows? Maybe the two of you will get together in the future and she'll like what she sees, but that's a long shot. At any rate you'll be improving yourself so you don't smother the next woman who you find yourself in a relationship with.

 

I was very laid back and cool during dinner but fact is she had no intentions of getting back together with me. She had her own facts and intentions of putting 110% in with no regrets of breaking up.

 

I think you have misjudged me by the things I have said. I am not an insecure or needy guy. I am simply a guy who enjoys sharing his moments with a partner who enjoys the same. Before the break up I was seeing her only once and maximum twice a week, and if u call that needy then hang me.

 

I was actually and have still been spending a lot of time working towards my ambitions of getting into a better school, saving up financially and spending heaps more time with friends and family and I always have been that type of person. However sharing it with my ex would have been great.

 

In terms of your reference of having digs at the breakup, I wasn't the one who brought it up. I tried avoiding the breakup conversation until she kept talking about it, one thing led to the next and I simply stated how I felt about the break up which led her to get angry at me.

 

I don't believe that getting angry is warranted in a normal conversation. It seems hard to talk to a person if you consistently have to worry about what to say or if they will get angry if u say something wrong.

 

The fact is she did and still does have feelings for me. She met me because she missed me and wanted to see if I still cared to be her friend. I met her in chance of getting back with her. Ultimately we met for the wrong reasons and the result was emotional turmoil down my end.

 

You guys are making me feel really bad about what I did especially you wizer. I was just trying my best to make things work with ger

[wizer]

I was very laid back and cool during dinner

 

You posted that you ran after her as she left the restaurant begging her to stay. That's not cool and laid back.

 

9. When I tried to hold her hand and kiss her she pulled back and said I was making this hard for both of us.

 

You tried to hold her hand and kiss her. That's not cool and laid back.

 

fact is she had no intentions of getting back together with me.

 

That's been clear for quite some time now.

 

I think you have misjudged me by the things I have said.

 

Well, let's face it that's all we have to go on.

 

I am not an insecure or needy guy. I am simply a guy who enjoys sharing his moments with a partner who enjoys the same. Before the break up I was seeing her only once and maximum twice a week, and if u call that needy then hang me.

 

I have no clue how you acted during the relationship, you don't really say anything about that, but from the way you acted AFTER the breakup, let me just say that you are reacting very badly- moreso than many if not most. That points towards insecurity. I'm not looking to hang you just make you aware that you post break up actions are.. not healthy.

 

These are her words:

 

8. She said she is a lot happier these days as she feels less suffocated by being in a relationship and has a lot more time to go out clubbing with others, exercise, do her own artistic stuff rather than spend time with me

 

This screams of being suffocated by a needy, clingy guy that won't let her do her own thing.

 

However sharing it with my ex would have been great.

 

Let it go man.

 

In terms of your reference of having digs at the breakup, I wasn't the one who brought it up.

 

I brought up why she broke up with me and told her if someone is love with the person they don't break up.

 

Well, which is it? Did you bring it up or did she bring it up?

 

I tried avoiding the breakup conversation until she kept talking about it, one thing led to the next and I simply stated how I felt about the break up which led her to get angry at me.

 

You stated that she could not possibly be in love with you if she broke up with you and that is simply not true. Regardless of whether it's true, or not true, it showed how bitter you were and what poor self control you have, and it accomplished nothing. Well, nothing positive.

 

I don't believe that getting angry is warranted in a normal conversation. It seems hard to talk to a person if you consistently have to worry about what to say or if they will get angry if u say something wrong.

 

This statement of yours above is absolutely dripping with irony given what you said about her breaking up with you.

 

The fact is she did and still does have feelings for me.

 

Agreed. Like I said it's rather unusual for a dumper to meet with the dumpee as she did.

 

She met me because she missed me and wanted to see if I still cared to be her friend.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. At this point I don't think you know her mindset well enough to make that call. I will guess that maybe she was looking to validate her decision to break up with you.

 

I met her in chance of getting back with her.

 

No kidding.

 

Ultimately we met for the wrong reasons and the result was emotional turmoil down my end.

 

Did you really expect anything else? We're talking about your logical self, not your emotional self now.

 

You guys are making me feel really bad about what I did especially you wizer.

 

Sorry not my intention. I guess I continue to tell you things you don't want to hear. Good luck man.

Edited June 4, 2015 by wizer

[johan]

imbax, I don't think you should feel bad about what you've done for a couple of reasons. One, you already feel bad enough just dealing with the breakup. Two, as long as you aren't assaulting or stalking her, you aren't doing anything wrong. You are just making it hard on yourself, and maybe you're annoying her.

 

I guess it's not too soon to ask. Maybe it would be a good distraction for you to consider how are you going to handle it differently next time around?