3 Years and 7 Months all gone...

[imbax]

You posted that you ran after her as she left the restaurant begging her to stay. That's not cool and laid back.

 

 

 

You tried to hold her hand and kiss her. That's not cool and laid back.

 

 

 

That's been clear for quite some time now.

 

 

 

Well, let's face it that's all we have to go on.

 

 

 

I have no clue how you acted during the relationship, you don't really say anything about that, but from the way you acted AFTER the breakup, let me just say that you are reacting very badly- moreso than many if not most. That points towards insecurity. I'm not looking to hang you just make you aware that you post break up actions are.. not healthy.

 

These are her words:

 

 

 

This screams of being suffocated by a needy, clingy guy that won't let her do her own thing.

 

 

 

Let it go man.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, which is it? Did you bring it up or did she bring it up?

 

 

 

You stated that she could not possibly be in love with you if she broke up with you and that is simply not true. Regardless of whether it's true, or not true, it showed how bitter you were and what poor self control you have, and it accomplished nothing. Well, nothing positive.

 

 

 

This statement of yours above is absolutely dripping with irony given what you said about her breaking up with you.

 

 

 

Agreed. Like I said it's rather unusual for a dumper to meet with the dumpee as she did.

 

 

 

Maybe. Maybe not. At this point I don't think you know her mindset well enough to make that call. I will guess that maybe she was looking to validate her decision to break up with you.

 

 

 

No kidding.

 

 

 

Did you really expect anything else? We're talking about your logical self, not your emotional self now.

 

 

 

Sorry not my intention. I guess I continue to tell you things you don't want to hear. Good luck man.

 

Thank you wizer for your post, here is my response to most of your points:

 

- Nah I got her into the back of my car and told her to close her eyes where i then surprised her with her graduation present. I asked to play with her hand and she let me, then I kissed it and looked deep into her eyes for some sort of sign that she wanted me back. I didn't see it there. Thats where we started talking and she got upset after the talk. She then raged, left my car and went back to her own car and drove off.

 

- Yes I finally see now after our lat meet up that she has absolutely no intentions of getting back

 

- Yeah I apologise again about what I have written through my posts as some of it was done during my emotional moments. I do believe though I have always had good intentions for her

 

- I guess since two nights ago was the first time I really talked to her after 6 weeks of NC, i truly didn't know what to expect nor do. I was out to get back with her possibly by wrecking havoc to her emotions by physically and emotionally teasing her and flirting a bit, but I could clearly see after a while that she was definitely not in the same mindset as me. This in turn, made me come off as needy and pathetic.

 

- In terms of the suffocation bit, I don't really understand where she gets that from. Like I have said in previous posts, I have moved 2 hours drive away from her so we spend 5 days/nights away from each other and 1 day with each other. She and I both work on the weekdays + i work 6 days in the week. So we only really get to see each other once a week and the rest if the time she has plenty of her own time to do what she wants to. But she did mention to me once that couples only see each other 1-2 times per month, so maybe I was seeing her more than she wanted by seeing her once a week?

 

- Bringing up the breakup was a mutual thing where once one of us started on the topic we sort of both just started talking about it. I tried to steer clear of the topic but our conversation kept returning back to it. I don't see it as bad, just something where I don't think we have come to terms with yet.

 

- Yeah, I am quite bitter and told her I do resent her. I even asked her what I did wrong and what I could have done better to which she answered I did nothing wrong, she told me I am the best boyfriend she will ever get but she just felt like we didn't work because she felt like she was taking up all my time and bringing bad luck into my life. (I got into 4 car crashes when I was with her and lost a lot of money out of luck). I told her that wasn't her fault at all.

 

- I didn't get angry at her during our convo, I was short sharp and direct. She did not like the things I said and she got angry and left without further consolidation. I guess thats how our relationship was a lot of the times, I would be the one trying to talk sense and make things work, and she would be the one who blocks me out and leave if there was something she didn't like to hear or deal with.

 

- In terms of her meeting up with me, like I said, we do love each other even though it doesn't make much sense as to why she would leave me i she loved me. I think her meeting up with me was a follow on as she wanted to be friends with me and still be part of my life without the boyfriend/girlfriend stigma attached. She is a different girl to the 99% of population and thats what I love about her. The normal rules of dating and love do not apply to this one. Her future boyfriend is going to be so lucky guy.

 

- I guess the best option for me now would be to move on with my life and continue to work towards my ambitions with or without her right?

 

Hi Johan:

 

- Yeah I felt like meeting with her did get me moving on seeing how she is almost moved on after 6 weeks. I guess it got us talking back from NC to LC which I am not sure if that is a good thing or not as she wanted to be friends for the time being.

 

- She wants us to grow and develop a bit without each other and maybe one day we might have another shot.

 

- Nah I will never assault or stalk a person, I just met her to see how she was going or "testing the waters". You are right that I am probably annoying her though :/

 

- Next time round I guess even though I was trying to be non-chalant and carefree last time (I kept carefree for about 2 hours of the 3 we were together), I will try to be non-chalant and carefree the whole time next time around. Which will be quite soon from what I predict.

 

I feel a lot better today getting all this off my chest and I feel like I am a newer person that does not need her in my life to survive. Thank you so much wizer + johan for your tough love and support. I will continue to post updates and see how we go from there. You guys are my idols and I really want to be clear of this girl before attempting another relationship. THANK YOU

[johan]

Thanks for answering my question, but I wasn't clear. It doesn't matter one bit what you do next time you run into this ex. But with the next woman down the line, if/when she tells you she's moving on, what will you do differently?

[imbax]

There's nothing I can do except be happy for her. I am happy for my ex girlfriend. I can't force her to love me or be with me. I can only suffer in my own misery while she is out there moving on with her life. That's the best I can do.

 

What do I do now that she has moved on but I am still in love with her? Do I keep up with ambitions? Or find a new girl?

Edited June 4, 2015 by imbax

[Pastmen]

Well, starting with a new girlfriend now seems to be too soon. First you have to fully accept the break up and stop thinking about her every second. Once that's accomplished you can be yourself again and that's when the time comes that you can meet up with different girls. Now it would just be pathetic to let a girl love you, while you're still in love with your ex. Go do stuff you like so that you can be you again, inbax. Get your mind off her and you will be ready for a next relationship and you will forget about her.

[thekarmacist]

i think one of the biggest mistakes guys make is not giving a woman space when she asks, so give it to her. at the same time, i don't think almost 4 years of relationship gets erased overnight, good or bad. not possible.

 

you need some soul searching and growing, and then to forge a new relationship with her if that's what you still want. 'no contact' is only useful when a person want to move on, not to get an ex back. contact is required to get an ex back. all this crap about 'breadcrumbs' is silly and a joke.

 

wanna get your ex back? take some time off and work on yourself. start with small contact, pressure free. build a new relationship.

 

show me two people that started in the middle. c'mon.

[thekarmacist]

and you can definitely love somebody and still have to break up with them. suggesting otherwise demonstrates a VERY immature perspective.

[imbax]

The general idea I got from people around me including a few of the posters earlier in my thread was that they were saying if she loved me she wouldn't have broken up with me.

 

Now you're telling me she can love me and break up with me? I am so confused again. Maybe I should take everything that's said here not too seriously as I am bringing a lot of my hate and logic from this forum onto her when I see her. I guess I'll try be myself rather than having influence from an online site.

 

I want her back I do... But at the moment I'm happy that she has done what makes her happy the most. I think I'm happy for her. I'll keep u guys updated on my LC

[anotheroneguy]

Imbax,

 

I will quote you my ex gf, "I loved you to the point I thought I will spend all my life with you but that love didn't last. You are perfect, a perfect boyfriend but I feel that if I stay with you I couldn't be as happy as I should or as I could. We have enough history that I can't just stop loving you. [...] Of course I miss all of you but I have to deal with it and hopefully it won't eventually last".

 

Yes an ex can have feelings for us, not the same unfortunately. they are in the choice "it is us or the others" and they choose the others... I wish for you it was a mistake, she will come back and do everything to win you again. However, as everyone say here, we will be happy again, so they are and it is way easier for them.

 

I believe that everybody can make a mistake even if it's hurt someone you really care of for your own happiness. The problem with mistakes it's that they exist everywhere and you deal with it. Why I am struggling with is to feel that even if my ex could think she made a mistake (which is not even sure), I am not as good man/bf for her to want to change the situation and fight for have me back.

[imbax]

Imbax,

 

I will quote you my ex gf, "I loved you to the point I thought I will spend all my life with you but that love didn't last. You are perfect, a perfect boyfriend but I feel that if I stay with you I couldn't be as happy as I should or as I could. We have enough history that I can't just stop loving you. [...] Of course I miss all of you but I have to deal with it and hopefully it won't eventually last".

 

Yes an ex can have feelings for us, not the same unfortunately. they are in the choice "it is us or the others" and they choose the others... I wish for you it was a mistake, she will come back and do everything to win you again. However, as everyone say here, we will be happy again, so they are and it is way easier for them.

 

I believe that everybody can make a mistake even if it's hurt someone you really care of for your own happiness. The problem with mistakes it's that they exist everywhere and you deal with it. Why I am struggling with is to feel that even if my ex could think she made a mistake (which is not even sure), I am not as good man/bf for her to want to change the situation and fight for have me back.

 

Thanks man, I hope the breakup was a mistake for you as well. I am trying not to think too much into the ins and outs of the break up now. I am just accepting that my ex-girlfriend had to do what she had to do to make her happy, and hopefully she can find her own happiness without me. Hopefully I can regain my full happiness without her as well.

 

The funny thing is, our exgirlfriends all said the same thing to us that they loved us but weren't happy with us + needs to find their own happiness without us etc. I don't know, maybe we men don't understand much about females or are just emotionally immature compared to them. One thing I do understand is someone else banging the crap out of her. Thats one thing that disgusts me that is on my mind.

[anotheroneguy]

I am not sure it is only about women (I tend to think that because let s be honnest I suffer and I come with some "mysonegistic" toughts and generalisation which are absolutely not right) but men do the same things...

 

My ex will never come back. She is young and sometimes immature, that is one of the reason she wanted to leave me, be single and live her life without me (with the dudes banging stuff ofc...). But she ones told me about BU "I don't understand men, your gf bangs dudes before you and they still make you happy". Sex is sex, yes it is awfull for everyone (maybe more for men) to imagine our ex doing all the sexual things but it might be just sex. And it is maybe a little bite easier for girls to find a partner nowadays.

 

That is why I try to go out, meet girl and rethink sex at it is really, a way to please yourself. Because I didn't have sex with my ex, I made love. She choose all the other man to me. I am really ambitious and reach the most part of my goals dreaming always bigger. I am usually a really happy guy and powerfull in his life. I have a lot of history to know that is you who make you happy, that is why sometimes I am angry against me because this little piece of human can affect me so much.

 

Anyway I know she will never regret me because she doesn't feel it nor want it. And I hope for her that she will find someone who make her happy so I will become useless. It won't change my value as an human and what I can do compare to my 7 billions earthmates, it just changes my value to her eyes and this is the most difficult part to forget.

[imbax]

I am not sure it is only about women (I tend to think that because let s be honnest I suffer and I come with some "mysonegistic" toughts and generalisation which are absolutely not right) but men do the same things...

 

My ex will never come back. She is young and sometimes immature, that is one of the reason she wanted to leave me, be single and live her life without me (with the dudes banging stuff ofc...). But she ones told me about BU "I don't understand men, your gf bangs dudes before you and they still make you happy". Sex is sex, yes it is awfull for everyone (maybe more for men) to imagine our ex doing all the sexual things but it might be just sex. And it is maybe a little bite easier for girls to find a partner nowadays.

 

That is why I try to go out, meet girl and rethink sex at it is really, a way to please yourself. Because I didn't have sex with my ex, I made love. She choose all the other man to me. I am really ambitious and reach the most part of my goals dreaming always bigger. I am usually a really happy guy and powerfull in his life. I have a lot of history to know that is you who make you happy, that is why sometimes I am angry against me because this little piece of human can affect me so much.

 

Anyway I know she will never regret me because she doesn't feel it nor want it. And I hope for her that she will find someone who make her happy so I will become useless. It won't change my value as an human and what I can do compare to my 7 billions earthmates, it just changes my value to her eyes and this is the most difficult part to forget.

 

Yeah it is, I think when I had sex I was making love to her and to think that she can just have sex with anyone demeans the whole value of sex in the first place. But then again I am thinking like this because I have only had sex with her as she was my first. It's definitely hard to move on and stop thinking about her but she was very important to me at one stage of my life, and still is.

 

I think we will both find girls who love us a lot for everything we do and won't leave us that easily. Keep fighting man, we have this in us!

[anotheroneguy]

well, you will see sex is really amazing and no need means to enjoy, it is just different when you love someone

 

I was the first for her (to sleep with he, she touch the things and did stuff). That s why I know that even if she hasn't really someone she is having fun (or why would she leave me ? ). Is it pleasant ? No ofc but that is life as hurtfull as it is.

 

Maybe if I had thousands of girls at my feet it would be different too etc...

 

I don't know if I will find someone else or not, for now I don't care cause I need to be happy by myself and I want her so... even if the wife of my life would be in front of me i d screw it everything.

 

People say the first is the worst... I disagree they are all awfull but this one will let you a special flavor.

[imbax]

Thanks man, I am in quite a dark place atm and don't know where the light is anymore in my life. Gonna keep soldiering forward until I see the light.

[anotheroneguy]

it will be better, with or without her, that is not even the problem right now. You have to live even if it is day after day and try to smile at least once a day !

 

You have no other choice than move on with your life. And even if other would say it is not a good idea, just go try to have sex with someone else (even if you have to be honnest). I am a partisant of trying everything to be good. If you don't like it stop (I mean hit other girls), and find someone else to try until you fell better.

 

The pain will be there I don't know how many time but that is not a problem. The pain is not something which is the oposite of happiness.

[imbax]

it will be better, with or without her, that is not even the problem right now. You have to live even if it is day after day and try to smile at least once a day !

 

You have no other choice than move on with your life. And even if other would say it is not a good idea, just go try to have sex with someone else (even if you have to be honnest). I am a partisant of trying everything to be good. If you don't like it stop (I mean hit other girls), and find someone else to try until you fell better.

 

The pain will be there I don't know how many time but that is not a problem. The pain is not something which is the oposite of happiness.

 

Thanks buddy for the advice. I think I am in no condition to be seeking girls as I am physically immobilised after surgery. I am in quite a lot of physical pain on top of my emotional pain atm. But when I recover in a few weeks I'll try looking after myself again and I will let things happen naturally and take things as it is. I was never one to hunt girls down or chat up girls, I usually just do my own thing at my own pace and let things happen normally. Of course I do miss the physical side of things but I got my hand for now until my next girlfriend comes along

 

I feel as if the main pain has gone, but I am still a bit empty in my life without her. Wishing so much she was by my side you probably know how I feel. But truth be told the relationship didn't work out so theres nothing I can do. Have to keep working on myself and see where that gets me.

[anotheroneguy]

that is not a problem either, trust my experience, it will be really hard but more it's hard stronger you will become. I had a reaaaaaaal terrible time when my first love dumped me (I would be able to tell you if you want).

 

Of course you miss her and love her, of course you want her back but she does nothing of that which is painfull and awfull and everything you want. And yes it didn't work because of you 2 (as perfect bf as you was, there was things that you did wrong) and it will never can work if you 2 don't want, and she clearly doesn't (as mine, I feel your pain).

 

But you still can be happy some time passed and you can start to feel happy in the same time that your other feelings !

[imbax]

Thanks I am looking forward to feeling completely happy. Hopefully sooner than later though. She was a big part of my life and her deciding to step out has made me question the whole relationship thing all over. Maybe I am just thinking too much into it and wanting to hurt more, I don't know. But what I do know is that there is only one way forward. I'll give it time and let time do its trick. Maybe a bit of tears and loneliness along the way too.

 

Hey guys i have really stuffed up big time this week. Im going back to NC with her again. Personal record to beat is 6 weeks NC. Wish me luck

Edited June 4, 2015 by imbax

[diamondgirl]

whether or not she still loves you or not really is irrelevant unfortunately. my ex told me a thousand times during our break up talk that he "will always love me". he's still said i love you to me every time we've seen or spoken since the break up even though he has a new girlfriend now. he even went as far once to tell me that he loves me and doesnt love her!!! it doesnt matter. the fact of the matter is that he chose to be with her over me. your ex chose to leave you so it doesnt matter if she still loves you or not. she doesnt want to be with you and thats the cold, hard truth.

 

we all have setbacks. its not linear. i broke nc and felt horrible many times. hoping for reconciliation is also very normal. it fades with time if you let it. if you sit her over analyzing and obsessing you aren't doing yourself any favors. let yourself move on. if she comes back and you are still in love with her than great but chances are she wont. and if you allow yourself to start going on you will open yourself up to be with someone who loves you and wont leave you.

[wizer]

(I got into 4 car crashes when I was with her and lost a lot of money out of luck). I told her that wasn't her fault at all.

 

That's a lot of car crashes! Seems like your mind was not in a good place, and perhaps that DID have something to do with her. As well as the lot of money you lost- that doesn't happen all by itself, there's a reason you pissed it all away. You need to explore those issues further.

 

I didn't get angry at her during our convo, I was short sharp and direct.

 

The comments you made about how a person in love does not break up with another person was said in anger, even if you spoke in a normal tone of voice. You need to explore this issue further and acknowledge your anger.

 

we do love each other even though it doesn't make much sense as to why she would leave me i she loved me.

 

You need to speak to someone about this. You fail to understand why, even though she apparently loved you, she realized it wasn't going to work in the long term.

 

I guess the best option for me now would be to move on with my life and continue to work towards my ambitions with or without her right?

 

Right. Now you're getting it.

I will try to be non-chalant and carefree the whole time next time around. Which will be quite soon from what I predict.

 

This is so sad.

[hestheone66]

Such a problem that 4 letter word.

saying it or believing you love someone doesnt validate its existence.

 

some people seem to love quickly and shallowly

some slow and deep...is it in fact infatutaion or limerance?

 

There is the chemical bond, the psychological and the spiritual

 

sometimes we confuse love of another with fear of facing abandonment...of being alone..so we kid ourselves that it is love...however I believe love is selfless...about sacrifice....

 

despite what she says to you about her love..the reason you are confused is that..It's not really love.

 

a person who loves someone truly will not abandon their beloved...but a person who has been abandoned if they truly love the dumper will bow out with grace (not saying it doesn't hurt) that is

What will make their loved one happy...it sucks

on top if all this people who ae not self aware may not ever be alone long enough to really contemplate and unpack the feelings...they just look for any quick fix even prolonging relationship dramas for the distraction away from themself..

[imbax]

Such a problem that 4 letter word.

saying it or believing you love someone doesnt validate its existence.

 

some people seem to love quickly and shallowly

some slow and deep...is it in fact infatutaion or limerance?

 

There is the chemical bond, the psychological and the spiritual

 

sometimes we confuse love of another with fear of facing abandonment...of being alone..so we kid ourselves that it is love...however I believe love is selfless...about sacrifice....

 

despite what she says to you about her love..the reason you are confused is that..It's not really love.

 

a person who loves someone truly will not abandon their beloved...but a person who has been abandoned if they truly love the dumper will bow out with grace (not saying it doesn't hurt) that is

What will make their loved one happy...it sucks

on top if all this people who ae not self aware may not ever be alone long enough to really contemplate and unpack the feelings...they just look for any quick fix even prolonging relationship dramas for the distraction away from themself..

 

Yeah I love her a lot for now and I presume she loves me a lot too but not enough to keep us together. I am going NC all the way from here on out. I understand that she probably has her reasons whatever they might be. I'll keep you guys updated if I am feeling low again. Thanks for the post describing your take on love. I think you are right. I love my ex-gf a lot but will bow out as it makes her a happier person without me in her life. Thanks for all your support!

[imbax]

UPDATE: Haven't posted much recently. Genuinely feeling a lot better and not needing her in my life anymore as I have come to realise after everything I have done for her, she has kicked me to the curb, refused for me to be part of her life, and told me she is happier without me. I have come to realise that I was wasting my time spending my life being by a girl who didn't appreciate nor love me the same way back and that my time would be better spent with a girl who sat next to me and didn't want to leave me.

 

Now, my ex-girlfriend's birthday is coming up next week and I was thinking if I should I message her a "Happy Birthday!"? We didn't exactly end on bad terms, she still appreciates me and respects me (has only been saying good things about me since the break up) but just doesn't want a relationship with me. Although I resent her for the things she has put me through, I am never one to put petty little things like this in my way from truly respecting my ex-girlfriend by acting bitter and butt hurt.

 

On the other hand, like I was saying before, after everything we did I am still the one putting effort in and ensuring her happiness by making sure her day is okay before mine. Is it time I stopped and just cut her out for good not even to wish her a happy birthday as she was the one who walked out?

 

I need some honest opinions on the take. Thank you in advance.

 

Some background details for those who haven't been following:

- 3.5 year relationship (first loves)

- Ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago (she was unhappy, suffocated, does not see future, still loves me etc.)

- NC for first 6 weeks, broke NC by me and asked her for dinner

- Things went south as she was affirmative about her decision

- Back to NC for almost a week now

Edited June 8, 2015 by imbax

[wizer]

On the other hand, like I was saying before, after everything we did I am still the one putting effort in and ensuring her happiness by making sure her day is okay before mine. Is it time I stopped and just cut her out for good not even to wish her a happy birthday as she was the one who walked out?

 

How are you putting effort in and ensuring her happiness and that her day is ok before mine if you're not in contact with her?

 

No you should not send her a birthday card, you should not contact her in any way, as just about every poster has told you on this thread already.

[imbax]

How are you putting effort in and ensuring her happiness and that her day is ok before mine if you're not in contact with her?

 

No you should not send her a birthday card, you should not contact her in any way, as just about every poster has told you on this thread already.

 

Well, I know she still likes me and appreciates me and would love to hear me say Happy Birthday to her on her birthday. I just don't want to let her down by not saying it on the day

[johan]

...after everything we did I am still the one putting effort in and ensuring her happiness by making sure her day is okay before mine. Is it time I stopped and just cut her out for good...

 

You've been told several times to cut her out and forget her, but you keep suggesting you should do otherwise. You're going to irritate people by making them tell you the same thing over and over, and asking as if it's all new.

 

Great that you're so interested in ensuring her happiness, but you'll get frustrated when you find that by doing anything at all for her, you'll only annoy her. She'll be happy with relief if you don't contact her at all. That's the best you can do.

 

Sooner or later you're going to have to start thinking about your own happiness. Sooner = better. If you sacrifice more dignity along the way, you'll just have a harder time recovering. You'll be just that much more embarrassed and disappointed in yourself for being out of control. Your own happiness might end up out of reach.