3 Years and 7 Months all gone...

[johan]

Well, I know she still likes me and appreciates me and would love to hear me say Happy Birthday to her on her birthday. I just don't want to let her down by not saying it on the day

 

What do you care about in life besides her? Why don't you focus on that?

[imbax]

Okay, thanks for the advice guys! When I last contacted her I gave her a small present and after that I sent her a link to one of our online databases to help her with her studies. I don't know....I guess I still care for her and her well-being even though she left me.

 

I have heaps of interests in my life, I went out with friends last 3 nights (and today too), play sports, make money, go to the gym, listen to music, study for exams and focus on having a great time when out with people. Doesn't mean she isn't in my heart or isn't important to me.

[johan]

You could get her back if you do things exactly right. You should definitely contact her, if not show up with a nice surprise gift, on her birthday. Every effort matters at this stage.

[wizer]

You could get her back if you do things exactly right. You should definitely contact her, if not show up with a nice surprise gift, on her birthday. Every effort matters at this stage.

 

You're not helping.

[imbax]

You're not helping.

 

Lol I think he was being sarcastic.

 

Nah it's all good then, I'll have a long hard think about this one. Appreciate the help guys!

[wizer]

Lol I think he was being sarcastic.

 

Nah it's all good then, I'll have a long hard think about this one. Appreciate the help guys!

 

It's almost inconceivable that after all the excellent advice given to you by an overwhelming number of qualified posters to the contrary, you would post again asking if you should contact her simply because it's her birthday, as if that makes a bit of difference.

 

It doesn't.

[johan]

You're not helping.

 

Well, maybe not, but like him I learned how to handle these things by making the same kind of mistakes he's making. I practically stalked my first ex, because I didn't really know how to handle the breakup. And I didn't have anyone around, no internet forums, to tell me to do otherwise. I'm not sure I would have listened to them anyway. But I survived and I learned. I was lucky that it didn't make me extremely bitter.

 

I don't think he's going to learn much from our mistakes. He's going to learn from his own. He's made it clear that's the way he's going to do it. So better not to argue with him about it. He'll survive.

 

Lol I think he was being sarcastic.

 

Maybe somewhat, but having written the other advice a few times now, I can see where we're headed. You're just going to have to find your way through this and hopefully learn only good lessons from it. Some guys emerge from this kind of thing with a lot of bitterness.

[Kevin_D]

Okay, thanks for the advice guys! When I last contacted her I gave her a small present and after that I sent her a link to one of our online databases to help her with her studies. I don't know....I guess I still care for her and her well-being even though she left me.

 

I have heaps of interests in my life, I went out with friends last 3 nights (and today too), play sports, make money, go to the gym, listen to music, study for exams and focus on having a great time when out with people. Doesn't mean she isn't in my heart or isn't important to me.

 

Alright, stop it. I did this myself when I was younger, and it took several years until I realised that it wasn't about her well-being. It was about MY well-being. By doing "nice things", I could kept telling myself that I was Mr. Nice Guy and that she'll sooner or later realise how special I am. After all, most guys are *******s.

 

The thing I didn't realise at the time was that I annoyed the **** out them.

 

Let me give you a clue of how she feels:

 

A boring girl who weights 300 pounds keeps asking you out. For months, you try to avoid hurting her feelings by coming up with new excuses. But finally, you can't take it anymore, so you tell her that you're not interested. She's devastated and cries. And you feel terrible.

 

A few weeks later, this girl sends you a gift. She wants to help you with your homework. She wants to cook dinner for you. She asks you how you are doing.

 

Now answer this simple question. Will you feel:

 

a) Happy

b) Uncomfortable

 

That's what I thought. Because the thing is... She knows what your intentions are. It doesn't matter if you tell her that you just want to be her friend. She'll assume that you want her back. This means that everytime you contact her, you will make her uncomfortable. And if you ever want to get a shot at getting back together, I would avoid doing this.

 

I'm not trying to be an ******* here. I know how much it hurts. My life is still a mess 1.5 years after my ex left me. But if I hadn't stuck to NC, I would probably be dead.

[imbax]

Nah...it's okay guys I think I am just trying to be the bigger man and sucking it up by not acting/being bitter towards her.

 

I think I turn to this forum just to get another whipping when I have my doubts as to whether or not I should break NC. The feeling comes and goes so thank you for reconfirming not to break NC and stay in the silence.

 

It means a lot to me that strangers from the internet have my best interests at heart - especially in these rough times.

 

Thank you guys so much!

[wizer]

Nah...it's okay guys I think I am just trying to be the bigger man and sucking it up by not acting/being bitter towards her.

 

You are trying to cling to her with every ounce of energy you have left and looking for any and every excuse to contact her even though it's the worst thing you can possibly do for reasons that have been stated repeatedly, ad nauseum in this thread.

 

This has nothing whatsoever with you "being the bigger man".

 

I don't think he's going to learn much from our mistakes. He's going to learn from his own. He's made it clear that's the way he's going to do it. So better not to argue with him about it.

 

Not arguing with him is one thing. Encouraging him to make the same mistakes you did is something entirely different.

Edited June 8, 2015 by wizer

[imbax]

Alright, stop it. I did this myself when I was younger, and it took several years until I realised that it wasn't about her well-being. It was about MY well-being. By doing "nice things", I could kept telling myself that I was Mr. Nice Guy and that she'll sooner or later realise how special I am. After all, most guys are *******s.

 

The thing I didn't realise at the time was that I annoyed the **** out them.

 

Let me give you a clue of how she feels:

 

A boring girl who weights 300 pounds keeps asking you out. For months, you try to avoid hurting her feelings by coming up with new excuses. But finally, you can't take it anymore, so you tell her that you're not interested. She's devastated and cries. And you feel terrible.

 

A few weeks later, this girl sends you a gift. She wants to help you with your homework. She wants to cook dinner for you. She asks you how you are doing.

 

Now answer this simple question. Will you feel:

 

a) Happy

b) Uncomfortable

 

That's what I thought. Because the thing is... She knows what your intentions are. It doesn't matter if you tell her that you just want to be her friend. She'll assume that you want her back. This means that everytime you contact her, you will make her uncomfortable. And if you ever want to get a shot at getting back together, I would avoid doing this.

 

I'm not trying to be an ******* here. I know how much it hurts. My life is still a mess 1.5 years after my ex left me. But if I hadn't stuck to NC, I would probably be dead.

 

 

You sound really bitter

 

Your example is truly astounding, however you forget the fact that we went out for 3.5 years so she obviously saw something in me. She still tells me she loves me and to this day she says that I meant a lot to her and that she would like to hear from me even though she can't be with me.

 

But you're right, I will keep NCing on, I guess it doesn't really matter in the long run anyways as I have already proved I am a really nice guy to her, she just doesn't want me. And I think you're wrong about it when you say that I am only doing it for myself to make me happy. Well, partially wrong. I do it so I don't feel bad for not wishing her a happy birthday. Because seeing her upset would make me feel bad. Is that kinda weird?

[imbax]

You are trying to cling to her with every ounce of energy you have left and looking for any and every excuse to contact her even though it's the worst thing you can possibly do for reasons that have been stated repeatedly, ad nauseum in this thread.

 

This has nothing whatsoever with you "being the bigger man".

 

 

 

Not arguing with him is one thing. Encouraging him to make the same mistakes you did is something entirely different.

 

I am not trying to cling to her. Jeez I haven't even spoken to her in ages nor do I know what she is up to these days. I simply wanted to wish her a happy birthday. Is there so much to read into about this simple 2 worded message?

[wizer]

I am not trying to cling to her. Jeez I haven't even spoken to her in ages nor do I know what she is up to these days. I simply wanted to wish her a happy birthday. Is there so much to read into about this simple 2 worded message?

 

Yes of course there is.

[johan]

I simply wanted to wish her a happy birthday. Is there so much to read into about this simple 2 worded message?

 

Those who know better would say that nothing is simple between you and her at this point. Every interaction is loaded with meaning and emotion. Just passing her on the street will be an excruciating ordeal for you. If you hear her sneeze from a distance, you'll get worked up and spend hours thinking about whether you should have rushed over and said "bless you".

 

But I'm not going to try to take away your chance to learn for yourself. Figure out what message you want to send, how you want to send it, and then decide for yourself whether to do it.

[imbax]

Those who know better would say that nothing is simple between you and her at this point. Every interaction is loaded with meaning and emotion. Just passing her on the street will be an excruciating ordeal for you. If you hear her sneeze from a distance, you'll get worked up and spend hours thinking about whether you should have rushed over and said "bless you".

 

But I'm not going to try to take away your chance to learn for yourself. Figure out what message you want to send, how you want to send it, and then decide for yourself whether to do it.

 

Ok thanks for this, I will definitely dwell and toss it up

[Kevin_D]

You sound really bitter

 

Your example is truly astounding, however you forget the fact that we went out for 3.5 years so she obviously saw something in me. She still tells me she loves me and to this day she says that I meant a lot to her and that she would like to hear from me even though she can't be with me.

 

But you're right, I will keep NCing on, I guess it doesn't really matter in the long run anyways as I have already proved I am a really nice guy to her, she just doesn't want me. And I think you're wrong about it when you say that I am only doing it for myself to make me happy. Well, partially wrong. I do it so I don't feel bad for not wishing her a happy birthday. Because seeing her upset would make me feel bad. Is that kinda weird?

 

I was together with my ex for 6.5 years. Just days before the breakup, she was incredible clingy and told me that her biggest nightmare was that something should happen to me.

 

But once she pulled the plug and started sleeping with my replacement (which of course your ex is doing as well), I was nothing to her. NOTHING. She wouldn't waste a minute on me. It's hard for us guys to understand, but once a girl moves on, she's gone. Completely detached. It doesn't matter that she loved you 3 months ago, because that's all history to her. Today you're that fat, unattractive loser I mentioned earlier.

 

I've been struggling to understand this myself. The best explanation I've read went something like this:

 

In nature, if a weak male is beaten to death by a stronger male, women are programmed are able to completely detach from the weaker male and become loyal to the stronger male instead. It's all about survival.

 

Your ex probably doesn't remember how strongly she felt for you. It's sad, but probably true. Sometimes, after a few years, they wake up and realise that you were a pretty decent guy after all. But by then you'll probably be married to somebody else.

[imbax]

I was together with my ex for 6.5 years. Just days before the breakup, she was incredible clingy and told me that her biggest nightmare was that something should happen to me.

 

But once she pulled the plug and started sleeping with my replacement (which of course your ex is doing as well), I was nothing to her. NOTHING. She wouldn't waste a minute on me. It's hard for us guys to understand, but once a girl moves on, she's gone. Completely detached. It doesn't matter that she loved you 3 months ago, because that's all history to her. Today you're that fat, unattractive loser I mentioned earlier.

 

I've been struggling to understand this myself. The best explanation I've read went something like this:

 

In nature, if a weak male is beaten to death by a stronger male, women are programmed are able to completely detach from the weaker male and become loyal to the stronger male instead. It's all about survival.

 

Your ex probably doesn't remember how strongly she felt for you. It's sad, but probably true. Sometimes, after a few years, they wake up and realise that you were a pretty decent guy after all. But by then you'll probably be married to somebody else.

 

Yeah I know she will truly wake up one day. Unfortunately by that time I'll be long gone and spending my time and sharing my happiness with someone who loves me back.

 

Thanks for your comment though, have you dated other girls since your break up?

[anotheroneguy]

I have to disagree with some of you.

 

There is nothing as logic in love, we all tried (women and male in the same boat) and failed to explain the most part of the time. You talk about nature... So when our exes came back we should take them back ? Because that is what happen in nature, if those girls came back to you, you became the "alpha" male but we are human and we have pride and feelings that is why we are suffering ! And if the nature logic would be prevalent I wouldn't be alone My ex wouldn't have left me after saying how lucky she was to have me.

 

Look how all those female dumpees here and what they say, they are like us about what they feel. Moreover look the numbers who say "when I dumped my ex BF, I never looked back, when I was done I was done but ... I get dumped for the same reason and I pray every day for my ex BF come back he is THE one", is there logic ? NO... why because we are all selfish bastard !

 

For my part I never lost feelings for my ex GF and always get dumped so I can't really understand what it feels. I even know that I definetly abandonned a part of my heart to my 2 serious ex GF and always have some feelings for them.

 

I know it is a big mistake but also a part of my big qualities as a BF, I am understanding. I understand my ex GF and I am not mad at her, of course sometimes I feel anger because she is making me live hell. She wasn't happy, she wanted to have fun and meet others guys. She has only one life, who am I to refuse that ? Yes imagine her sucking other guys, get f*ck again and again by strangers is an awfull feelings, yes it destroyes my ego, yes the WHY pop up often in my head. But I can't ask her to destroy her life for me, what I want is her to offer me her life because that is what would make her happy and it can't happen anymore...

 

She is not back to me, she is living what we had planned together without me (maybe with another guy) it means she doesn't regret her decision. Is it a big deal ? for me it is, the worst thing that I lived so far but tell me honnestly do you guys think so in MY case? probably not

 

all you exes are available and I am a selfish bastard, so yes I think I am a better BF than you ( just kid ) so if you exes are that wonderfull I am glad I can get them ! And maybe one of you a**hole is with my ex right now... I can't make her love me, I can't make her come back or I would have done it, I could do everything for her exept makes her feels that she is really lucky to have me and that it is her loss.

 

I can't make her regret or get jealous but I can improve myself be strong again even if I love her why ? Because I am lucky to feel a pure and real love and have shared it with her, I am lucky to suffer because it makes me alived and make me do amazing things for example :

 

Yesterday I got a 15K run, I started practicing after my break up and I smoke and I am a short man but I know I am a sport guys with a really good physical condition. I finished 588 over 4000. And I can list thousands of qualities that I have (that why I do everyday to improve my ego and deal with the "SO why she is gone"). I still suffer but I know that I can look in the eyes of all her next guys and make them jealous of me. That wouldn't change the situation because they have what I can't have but it feels great

[imbax]

I have to disagree with some of you.

 

There is nothing as logic in love, we all tried (women and male in the same boat) and failed to explain the most part of the time. You talk about nature... So when our exes came back we should take them back ? Because that is what happen in nature, if those girls came back to you, you became the "alpha" male but we are human and we have pride and feelings that is why we are suffering ! And if the nature logic would be prevalent I wouldn't be alone My ex wouldn't have left me after saying how lucky she was to have me.

 

Look how all those female dumpees here and what they say, they are like us about what they feel. Moreover look the numbers who say "when I dumped my ex BF, I never looked back, when I was done I was done but ... I get dumped for the same reason and I pray every day for my ex BF come back he is THE one", is there logic ? NO... why because we are all selfish bastard !

 

For my part I never lost feelings for my ex GF and always get dumped so I can't really understand what it feels. I even know that I definetly abandonned a part of my heart to my 2 serious ex GF and always have some feelings for them.

 

I know it is a big mistake but also a part of my big qualities as a BF, I am understanding. I understand my ex GF and I am not mad at her, of course sometimes I feel anger because she is making me live hell. She wasn't happy, she wanted to have fun and meet others guys. She has only one life, who am I to refuse that ? Yes imagine her sucking other guys, get f*ck again and again by strangers is an awfull feelings, yes it destroyes my ego, yes the WHY pop up often in my head. But I can't ask her to destroy her life for me, what I want is her to offer me her life because that is what would make her happy and it can't happen anymore...

 

She is not back to me, she is living what we had planned together without me (maybe with another guy) it means she doesn't regret her decision. Is it a big deal ? for me it is, the worst thing that I lived so far but tell me honnestly do you guys think so in MY case? probably not

 

all you exes are available and I am a selfish bastard, so yes I think I am a better BF than you ( just kid ) so if you exes are that wonderfull I am glad I can get them ! And maybe one of you a**hole is with my ex right now... I can't make her love me, I can't make her come back or I would have done it, I could do everything for her exept makes her feels that she is really lucky to have me and that it is her loss.

 

I can't make her regret or get jealous but I can improve myself be strong again even if I love her why ? Because I am lucky to feel a pure and real love and have shared it with her, I am lucky to suffer because it makes me alived and make me do amazing things for example :

 

Yesterday I got a 15K run, I started practicing after my break up and I smoke and I am a short man but I know I am a sport guys with a really good physical condition. I finished 588 over 4000. And I can list thousands of qualities that I have (that why I do everyday to improve my ego and deal with the "SO why she is gone"). I still suffer but I know that I can look in the eyes of all her next guys and make them jealous of me. That wouldn't change the situation because they have what I can't have but it feels great

 

 

I think I share the same philosophy as you do. As mad as I am at her for leaving me behind, I feel a sense of happiness that she had to do it for the best. She had to do it for ourselves and it was for her in the end. We only live once and who am I to keep that from her? She needs to explore and get out there. It's a very positive way of thinking about the break up and you are on point when you talk about the thoughts of her getting f*cked by strangers and dirty penises. But it's okay because love prevails through anything.

 

I do feel like **** and do have bouts of crying over her. But theres nothing that we can do except continue living. Your post made me quite happy and motivated. Thank you so much

[Kevin_D]

Yeah I know she will truly wake up one day. Unfortunately by that time I'll be long gone and spending my time and sharing my happiness with someone who loves me back.

 

Thanks for your comment though, have you dated other girls since your break up?

 

 

Yes. I've also had an eight month long relationship. I guess some would call it rebound, even though I was single for 10 months before that.

 

To be honest, everything that has happened since the break up is a big blur. It's like I don't exist anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I don't care if people love me, I don't care if people hate me. Ironically that makes dating easier. But the magic is gone.

 

So yes, I guess you're right. I'm bitter.

[imbax]

Argh mornings are so difficult, and I feel so empty every morning without her.

[imbax]

Hey guys I still can't get over her. I feel physically immobilised from having surgery done, I've come down with the cold and on top I am heartbroken. Everyday is a struggle, my housemates tell me to get over it, but it's not that easy for me. It's almost 2 months since the breakup. It's been a big blur for me. What's wrong with me? I gave myself 8 weeks to get over her and forget about her but she is still in my mind with everything I do. I feel sick and unwell and gave everything for this girl only to have her leave me.

 

I know she wasn't the best girlfriend in the world but I still want her.

 

Some mornings I have to force myself to get out of bed and go to work when every part of me is screaming. What has life become?

Edited June 10, 2015 by imbax

[anotheroneguy]

You are not over her because you can't for now. Because you lost the game and she is happy. That is the arsh reality. The most important is to know it's not the end of the world !

 

I hope you accepted the breakup now you have to accept to be sad and still love her for a while. Did you had a crush before ? it's quite the same. Your crush is more than happy without you and it hurts.

 

Understand that your ex is lucky to have what she wants. And you should be happy for that, you are not because you are a selfish bastard as her. When you understand that it will just help you to live with your pain.

 

I miss my ex everyday and I know she is happy and don't regret her decision. She meets new guys and have fun. That is good for her, why would I be happy if she suffers ? It would be even worse if she would prefere a life of suffering than a life with me.

 

She doesn't care of me as your ex. It would be so much easier to say "so then **** her" , but that doesn't work like this. She can't control what she feels for me and I can't do the same, it will pass when I will be bored to suffer. Is it her loss ? ho yes for hundreds of reasons. But there is one more important that cancel everything. She doesn't feel that way and doesn't care. So all the guys who **** her, do you think they feel "omg, what did she do by dumping this great guy ??"

 

You can't have her and you have to know this, then deal with this feeling until it goes away !

[imbax]

Hey guys a bit of an update:

 

Finally hit 2 months, feel like **** every day. Haven't spoken to her since.

 

Found out from a mutual friend she is trying to gain all our mutual friends as allies for her. Then found out from a mutual friend that during our relationship, whenever we had disagreements or problems, my ex girlfriend would vent herself to her guy friend. I never knew about this. She never confided me in her issues with me. So I sort of never knew why she was upset when she never told me anything.

 

Is this a normal things for girls to do? Vent to someone on the side but never bring issues up with her partner?

[Sameold]

When I was 22 I got with a girl, we spent nearly four years together, lived together etc. Circumstances with work/location and social circles changed but I thought we were ok, then one day when we were meant to go shopping I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk. She left that night with no real explanation, she removed her things when I was at work and I only got one opportunity after that to speak to her and whilst she was upset etc she had clearly completely changed her view on me. I loved that girl she was hot, sweet, clever I wanted to be with her forever.

 

Anyway....so...I went NC after a month of trying. Imbax I tried everything you did and more. I turned up at her house with flowers for god sake, what a dickkkk ha! All failed. We live different lives now, shes lives with and is engaged to the guy she was secretly flirting and emotionally cheating on me with as she plotted how to end it with me (I know as I saw messages). I still have feelings for what I had with her, my first love, but that's all, I'll never speak to her again.

 

Many failed dates with disinterested women, boring women and emotionally unavailable women and a few years later I'm now 27 and have another gf. Shes clever, we laugh and have good sex etc and in many ways shes really good for me and has introduced me to lots of her friends etc. I only have a few close friends, I work as a fireman you see so my shifts are very tiring and random. Anyway as I write this I'm feeling really unsure about my girlfriend, it had been a year now and I'm just not sure I feel as I should. I love her but can I really see me with her long term? I don't think so. Our families seem different and some small things about her arn't quite what I want in my ideal women. Will I end it? At the minute it is looking so, despite having a good time whenever I am with her.

 

I'm writing this as I want you to understand life isn't as easy as saying I love you and being happy ever after. Humans have strange feelings and doubts that sometimes evolve over small issues, incompatibilities or otherwise. These can rock and end relationships even if generally things have been good and happy. Stop looking at yourself for things you have done wrong. I've now seen how such feelings manifest and have been on both sides, maybe one day you will too and then you will truly understand.

 

As humans we are always looking for our perfect match, sometimes it gets torn away from us.....sometimes we choose to be free again to keep searching.