Breaking It Off Vent

[GemmaUK]

Leigh, I only posted about the hotties as the way you posted it looked like he had said he dated 18 yo hotties.

 

 

The other things I mentioned are indicators of a man who is potentially a manipulator (the gentlest term and abuser being the harshest) and I would hate to see you get involved with someone like that.

The reason is that I did and it hurts and confuses the heck out of you.

 

 

They come on all strong saying how perfect and amazing you are and then once they realise they have you hooked they become mean, nasty, they can say some of the worst things to you. (I am not saying that he doesn't think any of that - what I am saying is they start out wonderful as they feel these things but then after a while they revert back to their true selves and they can be disrespectful, totally inconsiderate, they don't seem to care about you or what is going on with you and only have empathy for themselves).

 

All I am saying is be careful.. Trust your instincts, don't take him at face value like you have said is your intention.

 

You are an emotionally generous person, I am too and there's a lot of us about. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that providing the emotionally generous one also sticks up for themselves and doesn't brush instincts under the carpet.

 

 

I am wary that in reality and once every day life comes into play that this guy doesn't have the kindest of hearts. You do though and I don't want to see your heart hurt by someone who might be putting on his best face even with the hassles he has.

 

For what it's worth I agree with you on the whole chemistry thing but also having been with a guy who was very similar to this guy of yours in the beginning and seen him change into a guy who appeared kind to everyone else but was controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive towards me.

The signs were all there for me to see but because I hadn't met anyone like him before I had no clue what signs to even look for.

 

I just want you to know the signs and be aware for your own safety.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I only posted about the hotties as the way you posted it looked like he had said he dated 18 yo hotties.

 

 

The other things I mentioned are indicators of a man who is potentially a manipulator (the gentlest term and abuser being the harshest) and I would hate to see you get involved with someone like that.

The reason is that I did and it hurts and confuses the heck out of you.

 

 

They come on all strong saying how perfect and amazing you are and then once they realise they have you hooked they become mean, nasty, they can say some of the worst things to you. (I am not saying that he doesn't think any of that - what I am saying is they start out wonderful as they feel these things but then after a while they revert back to their true selves and they can be disrespectful, totally inconsiderate, they don't seem to care about you or what is going on with you and only have empathy for themselves).

 

All I am saying is be careful.. Trust your instincts, don't take him at face value like you have said is your intention.

 

You are an emotionally generous person, I am too and there's a lot of us about. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that providing the emotionally generous one also sticks up for themselves and doesn't brush instincts under the carpet.

 

 

I am wary that in reality and once every day life comes into play that this guy doesn't have the kindest of hearts. You do though and I don't want to see your heart hurt by someone who might be putting on his best face even with the hassles he has.

 

For what it's worth I agree with you on the whole chemistry thing but also having been with a guy who was very similar to this guy of yours in the beginning and seen him change into a guy who appeared kind to everyone else but was controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive towards me.

The signs were all there for me to see but because I hadn't met anyone like him before I had no clue what signs to even look for.

 

I just want you to know the signs and be aware for your own safety.

 

 

 

Thanks for your concern.

 

The guy hasn't been over the top with compliments by any stretch - it isn't overly frequent, he has just made it known.

 

He doesn't harp on with how perfect I am. He told me just once that I was everything he wanted in a woman and I am the closest he has come to the chemistry/emotional/intellectual package.

 

He makes it known he is enamoured with my looks and that he likes me as a person, but he isn't ... over the top, saying every day how wonderful I am haha.

[ExpatInItaly]

Back the truck up. I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but do you plan to continue a FWB with this guy?

 

If I've misunderstood, my apologies. If I haven't and you somehow conclude FWB is a wise choice after all this - no. Just no.

 

Also, just an observation. If he has described to you that his exes were generally awful women (girls?) who took advantage of him, cheated, etc, etc...who is the common denominator here? He is. You need to look more carefully at his role in these failed relationships too. Many people who lambast all their exes are neglecting to tell you how they contributed to their break-ups too. You seemed to believe everything he says and bought into his version of events; I think you'd be wise to use more discretion.

Edited April 20, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[Leigh 87]

Back the truck up. I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but do you plan to continue a FWB with this guy?

 

If I've misunderstood, my apologies. If I haven't and you somehow conclude FWB is a wise choice after all this - no. Just no.

 

Not all women invest and get bummed they aren't in a relationship with a Fwb.

 

You're projecting your own mindset and fears regarding fwb.

 

Some of us can enjoy sex and company for what it is.

 

He does want a relationship with me. It's what he set out for. He realised how messed up he was.

 

This isn't a case of him using me until he finds someone he wants.

 

I'll will stop when I eventually come across a guy of interest who is normal and doesn't have issues lol.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not all women invest and get bummed they aren't in a relationship with a Fwb.

 

You're projecting your own mindset and fears regarding fwb.

 

Some of us can enjoy sex and company for what it is.

 

He does want a relationship with me. It's what he set out for. He realised how messed up he was.

 

This isn't a case of him using me until he finds someone he wants.

 

I'll will stop when I eventually come across a guy of interest who is normal and doesn't have issues lol.

 

No, not at all. While that would be a convenient way for you to shift focus, that is simply not the case. I am saying this based on your description of this character and your mindset as demonstrated all over the thread. I believe it is an unwise choice with this guy given your rapidly cycling emotions about him during the past couple of days. Not once did I suggest he was using you. Not once did I suggest he didn't want a relationship. I simply believe it would not be healthy for you to continue to engage with him at all.

 

But hey. If you have used all your good judgement and still conclude this is a good move, best of luck.

[Leigh 87]

No, not at all. While that would be a convenient way for you to shift focus, that is simply not the case. I am saying this based on your description of this character and your mindset as demonstrated all over the thread. I believe it is an unwise choice with this guy given your rapidly cycling emotions about him during the past couple of days. Not once did I suggest he was using you. Not once did I suggest he didn't want a relationship. I simply believe it would not be healthy for you to continue to engage with him at all.

 

But hey. If you have used all your good judgement and still conclude this is a good move, best of luck.

 

I believe that I will either enjoy seeing him until I meet a guy I fancy and who wants to date me.

 

OR, by a stroke of good luck, if he mends himself and is ready for a healthy adult relationship. But chances are I will be long gone.

 

He made a few bad choices in life, sex without a condom while he thought both women were on the pill. I don't think he will use me anymore than I am enjoying him for sex and company.

 

I am sure he will be grateful that I stuck by him for support and cuddles and sex during a difficult time, and will totally understand if I need to move on eventually once I find a relationship candidate.

 

In an ideal world I would have preferred things to have worked out, but I can see he has issues that will likely take over a year to figure out.

 

FWB is usually shorter term for me. I don't let them play out long.

 

And in his mind I think he feels like we are still together and that I am sticking by him and waiting it out.

 

I will need to have a deeper think about all this and then make my final decision as to whether or not to end the FWB. It isn't hurting me but it might him - if he truly thinks we are together and he wants to try for a relationship. Since he clearly cannot emotionally invest whole heartedly...

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't think that Leigh's emotions are cycling repidly. To me, from every single post, it looks like she is very into this guy. I can see through all her posts about breaking it off. She senses this guy's distance (her instincts are correct), she goes into the panic mode, tries to protect herself from getting hurt by attempting to pre-emtively break up. What she is really looking for is for this guys to reassure her that he is really interested. Unfortunately this comes at the price of drama (most guys get drained by it). I don't see any swings really, just someone fighting a losing battle with their emotions. The underlying emotion is pretty consistent.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Right... So, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, you are gonna hold onto this dead end, drama-filled pseudo-relationship until a better candidate comes along.

 

I almost don't see the point in even asking this as I sincerely doubt an honest answer, but why are you so deeply afraid of just being single?

[h0000]

Right... So, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, you are gonna hold onto this dead end, drama-filled pseudo-relationship until a better candidate comes along.

 

I almost don't see the point in even asking this as I sincerely doubt an honest answer, but why are you so deeply afraid of just being single?

 

Because she has low self esteem and possibly some other mental issues..I was gonna say psychological but she is getting cray cray

[Leigh 87]

Right... So, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, you are gonna hold onto this dead end, drama-filled pseudo-relationship until a better candidate comes along.

 

I almost don't see the point in even asking this as I sincerely doubt an honest answer, but why are you so deeply afraid of just being single?

 

I am single?

 

I would rather not be abstinent for years at a time, until the right candidate comes along, and so I would rather enjoy mind blowing sex, grerat company and a lot of laughs from a guy who lives nearby and isn't a tight ass (he pays for meals).

 

I would like to enjoy great sex and .. we make each other laugh.

 

Once or twice a week it would nice better than... no sex or passion for the years it could take to find t he right guy.

 

It is better than total ONS as I do not derive pleasure from them.

 

Plus it is not like the reason he isn't with me is a simple case of " oh, he realy isnt that into me" so the arrangeent doesn't damage my self esteem, as he sees me as relationship material in theory.

 

I am experience with sex and dating. The dynamic we have is ideal for FWB. Laughter, best sex ever, and we BOTH, under difference circumstances, view each other as GOOD ENOUGH TO DATE.

 

So much better than FWB with people who do nothing for you and where one or BOTH parties views the other person as not dating material:sick:

[Leigh 87]

Because she has low self esteem and possibly some other mental issues..I was gonna say psychological but she is getting cray cray

 

Why don't you get more hobbies?

 

Didn't your mother ever tell you if you aint got nothing nice to say, don't say it?

 

You don't know me from a bar of soap so unless you know a person in real life and actually chat to them... why don't you keep your opinions and direct them at people in your life who you know?

 

Your advice has never helped me, you enjoy saying nasty things to posers sadly.

 

I don't have low self esteem - if I did, I would be one of the women on the boards who date men who aren't that into them, and cling onto men who do not think highly of them. I am holding out for a relationship where the guy adores me, we have intense chemistry and it is true love. I am not getting treated badly here. He is nice to me. He makes me feel attractive, desirable and he pays for everything and doesn't just use me purely for sex until someone "better" comes along.

 

Besides the emotional unavailability, he treats me the way a gf is treated; dates out, he loves my company as much as the sex, he pays for everything. Hardly a low self esteem, shag and run scenario. He thinks very highly of me. I wouldn't settle for less than a man who thinks I am a catch/ very attractive and who loves my personality.

 

Women with no self esteem latch onto men who think lowly of them. Period.

 

I am the FIRST poster to tell women to ditch losers who don't adore them. This guy adores me. He tells people. You can see it in his eyes. It isn't a "forever: relationship due to his issues and NOT because I am some tramp he uses for sex on the weekly rotation:sick:

 

I am simply recognising that I don't want years of absitence until the right guy comes along. This guy is a good canditate for something short term and fun.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think that Leigh's emotions are cycling repidly. To me, from every single post, it looks like she is very into this guy. I can see through all her posts about breaking it off. She senses this guy's distance (her instincts are correct), she goes into the panic mode, tries to protect herself from getting hurt by attempting to pre-emtively break up. What she is really looking for is for this guys to reassure her that he is really interested. Unfortunately this comes at the price of drama (most guys get drained by it). I don't see any swings really, just someone fighting a losing battle with their emotions. The underlying emotion is pretty consistent.

 

 

I am not a big believer in relationships unless they are like that of my friends.

They have the intense chemistry that I have with this guy and have had with a few others. TWO years on, they both regularly say " okay, THIS time was the best sex ever and it annot get ANY better. Then it DOES get better.

 

And they are best friends and laugh constantly.

 

I believe I can find that since I am not fussy with education, career or looks and I feel chemistry with average dudes who seem to feel it for me often enough.

 

In the interim, rather than be abstinent, I do not see why I should stop the mind blowing sex with a guy who actually does adore me as a person in spite of his inability to comit to anything serious.

 

I am into him - but by no means do I feel like he is some holy grail that I will never find again:lmao:

 

I know I iwll be into other men and eventually find the right one, and for now I would like to enjoy the best sex of my life. He is a big boy not fat though, so he is the best cuddler I have ever encountered. Hanging out with him feels like a kis sleepover, we both get super excited about simply getting to have sex, watch DVD'S and talk/cuddle.

 

He is SO Much better than the other FWB out there I have had.

 

I am not really in a place to consider a serious relationship due to my life and mindset, I could deal if I found one but it is prob best for me to stay single and have fun with him and one day when the right man comes along, he will understand.

 

I will certainly have more fun months with him, than I will have sad nights when it ends.

[Leigh 87]

My FWB have always been the most potent... Always with me, I am slightly unavailable, with another unavailable guy.

 

We adore each other and are super into one another but are unavailable, so we have fun but like each other enough to date in theory. This is the FWB scenaro I fondly recount and re live in my memory bank, the same way I do overseas travel adventures. I have had ONE guy as a FWB who fit this bill prior to this new guy. I handled the last scenario, which I never wrote about on here, well when it ended. This wil be no different and if I feel it could get messy I will leave the situation.

 

I am not waiting by my phone wondering when and if he texts. When out with girlfriends I will not be that girl who checks her phone and WISHES that he was "that guy" who would give me a lovey phone call. I am not investing in him. I want the best of both worlds, the cuddles, laughter or someone who gets you and great sex, and also the freedom to be single and open to new and exciting bites.

 

The last scenario like this ended moooonths ago. We met, met up again, and then he realises that although he thought we had "that" sort of chemistry and compatability to be "it" for him, that he simply couldn't love/ feel happiness or be like a normal person. He sees a psychiatrist and will likely never get into a serioous relationship because he lacks certain "feelings" beyond the initial buzz of a spark.

 

We missed each other but we weren't crying or upset when it ended.

 

I am more into the current guy because he thought himself that he could manage a relationship. He took initiative to meet parents, take me on lovely dates, and really get to know me. I had more hope because this guy took lomger to "click" that he couldnt have a real relationship atm.

 

The last guy was a more ideal scenario, as he realised he was unavailable early on. Well okay he always KNEW, but he thought beause with me he felt that elusive OMG spark and we got along so well, that MAYBE I was different.

 

Where as with this guy, it took him a month to figure out that he couldnt emnotionally invest. lol I SWEAR that these are the only two circustances I have ever known, where the guys WERE into me but were genuinely unavailable! Plus a guy back in Jan was unavailable and still into me. So three.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In all the 10000's of other cases, the guys just weren't enamoured by me, plain and simple.

 

It hurts a lot less this whole thing, because anything is better than a guy just NOT being that into you, after having sex wth you and hanging out and then hmmmm sorry, you just don;t do it for me

[Leigh 87]

As upset as you all seem to think women get after a non committed scenario ends,

 

At least I get an arrangement where he treats me nicely, buys me nice dinners, doesn't care if we have sex or not when we hang out and makes me feel attracted and as though he adores me as a person.

 

Sure beats most non serious FWB style scenario's. At least I know not to expect lovey dovey calls or texts. No waiting by my phone. Better than a guy who treats me badly lol.

 

I have grieved the loss of the relationship over the course of a few days and now, I will merely "miss him" for a few days when it ends.

 

I seriously don't know why people always assume the worst. I am not stupid enough to think a man will suddenly change his tune and realise he wants a serious, comitted relationship.

 

I know it will end. No false hopes there.

[Kamille]

I'm not getting the sense that your motivation for wanting a FWB stems from introspection. It seems that the reason you now want a FWB is because of the comments we made here.

 

I think this is one of your hardest challenges: you seem to struggle to identify what you really want. You know what you feel and are good at justifying your actions based on feelings. This thread is a perfect example of that. First you felt abandoned so you built this whole scenario about him not being into you. Than your self-esteem felt threatened so you started arguing (needlessly) that he was into you. You got in touch with him, he was able to clear up the original confusion and you now feel in control and able to continue seeing this guy.

 

So it goes on. You want to continue seeing this guy because of the intense chemistry between the two of you. Again, you are justifying your actions based on how you feel. You also don't want to feel shamed (by us) for continuing to see him so you reconcile those emotions by telling us you can handle a FWB arrangement.

 

But, Leigh, what do you really want? Ideally, if a magic fairy could show up and grant you your number 1 wish: what would that be?

 

Once you've established that, than you need to be honest with yourself and with this guy about what you want. That is the only way to make sure you eventually build an honest relationship, whether it be with this guy or someone else.

[Els]

Leigh... I hope you don't mind me asking, but how are your studies going? You should have started with your degree by now, yes?

 

This is an awful lot of time and effort being spent on a man whom you've been with for such a short time. And I'm only counting the time you're spending WRITING about him here, which is likely the tip of the iceberg...

 

Save your time and effort for a man who is worthy of them, and for the time being focus on your education IMO.

[clia]

So, if he was available you would continue to be in a real relationship with him? (I’m sorry, I’m having trouble following. Earlier in the thread you said you agreed that he wasn’t that into you, but now you seem to believe that he is very into you and is just having issues and is unavailable.)

 

I’m struggling with why you seem to think this guy is such a catch. I wonder if the fireworks you are feeling with him sexually are clouding your judgment. You also have told us many times how hot he is. Is that also clouding your judgment regarding who he is as a person? Because you want to, for once in your life, have the hot guy? And didn’t you cheat on him almost right after you met him with your neighbor?

 

You’ve told us endlessly how smart, beautiful, and intelligent you are. You seem to constantly meet guys with whom you are able to have explosive sex. So…why settle for this one?

 

Just so many red flags for a guy his age:

 

There is something else.... his ex just had their baby. A few days ago. He has absolutely no desire to be with this evil woman. I have no fear of him going back to her at all.... But as you can all imagine, his demanding career and his new baby are probably the no1 thing on his mind. He didn;t want the child. He wants nothing more than to severe ties with this woman and go no contact. Alas, that can never happen now...

 

They broke up a few months ago. They were on and off for some time and he honestly finds her to be a disguisting person.

 

He is already a father. He was dating a girl his age for 5 years. He was not in love with her so he ended things. She took his kids to another state and he has not seen them since.

 

He doesn't drink much or take drugs in a club sense. He's very well versed in the medical field and he has friends in high ranked positions in the pharmaceutical industry... He takes serotonin for instance and also something serious that makes him wake up refreshed even if he has poor sleep.......

 

This man didn't want to be a father with these women. He wants to save it for a wife. But he pays child support and will see this latest baby grow up. The baby will live with the mum. He'll get visitation.

 

He has no interest in being a full time father to a child he never wanted with her. He was trying to break it off with her when she announced she was pregnant and declared it may not be his

 

So, this late 20s guy is going to have two (?) kids who he never sees and one who he has "no interest in being a full time father" to. That's not a huge red flag to you? Those poor kids. Why even get involved in all this drama for a complete stranger?

 

Have you read any John Gray books? I really think you should read up on the concept of “blowtorching.” (I think it’s from Mars and Venus on a Date.) When you are sexually attracted to a guy, it seems like you believe everything they tell you and charge into the relationship without any brakes. You’ve known this guy for less than a month and were pretty much immediately referring to him as your boyfriend (at least on this site.) You’ve had what, around 8 dates with him? All of this talk about standing by him and what he’s done and what he’s said and how you are his dream woman….well, you barely know him. You don’t have any idea what kind of person he really is. And you don’t owe him anything at this point. Of course he is going to try to make himself look good so you will keep having sex with him. I think it might benefit you to try slowing down the next time you meet a guy you like rather than rushing headlong into it. Don't immediately have sex with him. Get to know him as a person. Because over and over again, you come here posting about a guy who you just met, with whom you have intense chemistry and fireworks and explosive sex...and within a month the guy is gone.

 

And I guess since you want to keep him as a FWB, you are going to fulfill his anal fantasies?

[Timshel]

"He is already a father. He was dating a girl his age for 5 years. He was not in love with her so he ended things. She took his kids to another state and he has not seen them since."

 

It looks like more than two now.

[MidwestUSA]

 

He happens to have an ice addict brother. And he doesn't seem eye to eye with his parents since his dad hit him growing up...

 

He doesn't drink much or take drugs in a club sense. He's very well versed in the medical field and he has friends in high ranked positions in the pharmaceutical industry... He takes serotonin for instance and also something serious that makes him wake up refreshed even if he has poor sleep.......

 

 

You do know what that 'something serious' is that he takes to wake up, right? Friends in the pharma industry, well versed in the medical field. Doesn't have just a few drinks, but gets plastered. Emotions all over the place. Careless enough to get 'tricked' into three pregnancies (despite being well versed in medicine, LOL!). Decreased libido.

 

Not red flags, but giant red sails.

[MidwestUSA]

"He is already a father. He was dating a girl his age for 5 years. He was not in love with her so he ended things. She took his kids to another state and he has not seen them since."

 

It looks like more than two now.

 

Three, if I kept accurate count.

[Rejected Rosebud]

No I agree he just isn;t that into me.

 

I do believe he was though to begin with 100%.

 

Leigh I am just starting reading this thread and so maybe there will be a lot of changes but how many times do I and a lot of other people have to tell you that FEELING THE HOTS EQUALS NOTHING EXCEPT FOR FEELING THE HOTS!!!! So you had the hots, you had sex, you have gone out a few weeks, that adds up to NOTHING!!! I guess you are all hung up on this guy but he sounds like a total loser whether he is INTO YOU or not!!!!

[GemmaUK]

Back the truck up. I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but do you plan to continue a FWB with this guy?

 

If I've misunderstood, my apologies. If I haven't and you somehow conclude FWB is a wise choice after all this - no. Just no.

 

Also, just an observation. If he has described to you that his exes were generally awful women (girls?) who took advantage of him, cheated, etc, etc...who is the common denominator here? He is. You need to look more carefully at his role in these failed relationships too. Many people who lambast all their exes are neglecting to tell you how they contributed to their break-ups too. You seemed to believe everything he says and bought into his version of events; I think you'd be wise to use more discretion.

 

 

 

This is where I'm coming from.

 

 

Things I find really worrying:

He is nasty about his last ex and has been nasty about his other ex's as well (per what Leigh posted back n the early pages).

He has 2 or more children who he doesn't see. It doesn't matter if he pays child support - he doesn't see the children. The mother of those children moved to another country because she was too upset not being with him.. Really?!! I think that is utter carp!

He said his last ex was emotionally abusive.

He drinks and takes drugs and blames both on his ex.

 

 

I'm reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft who had at the time of writing interviewed over 2000 abusers and their partners.

Their separate stories differed massively.

 

 

Signs I have read about (in many books on the subject including this one) are that an abuser will always hate all of his ex's, he will even claim they abused him in some way when it turns out the total reverse is true.

Drink and drugs just exacerbate the problem but are not the reason for the abuse.

The reason is a male attitude of superiority.

I actually think his ex moved out of the country to get the hell away from him for her and the children's safety.

 

 

I knew a guy called Colin years ago who told his new gf Sally that he was abused by his ex and she never left him alone.

Sally was convinced the ex was a nutter.

I was nearby him one day in a beer garden, he came in alone and sat reading a paper then after about an hour he made a call to his ex.

The call was about 2 mins long, and he was being emotionally and verbally abusive to her. His issue was that his children had visited him for an afternoon the weekend before and he was telling his ex wife that she should have packed them a lunch to bring with them so he didn't have to feed them.

After a lot of nastiness he abruptly ended the call.

This was the point when Sally his new gf walked in.

Colin acted like nothing had just happened and didn't even tell Sally. Next thing, the ex wife called him.

The ex wife was - understandably annoyed.

Colin told her she was making things up.

 

I wish I had said something to Sally but I felt I would be interfering. She soon figured Colin out though, she left him. He hassled her for two years and they had only dated over one summer.

[Leigh 87]

I'm not sure we can guess beyond reasonable doubt, that he's an abuser.

 

But I have my eyes wide open now.

 

I have screwed up heaps in my life! In ways I'd never write about on here.

 

I am not sure if he is really that awful simply because.... One of bis exes moved? W hi o KNOWS if he lied?

 

I just don't know if he lied about her moving versus him being an abuser so she ran.

 

I didn't want to judge someone who had made a few mistakes.

 

I thought aside from the mistakes, he was a nice loyal seeming guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going to seriously consider cutting him out.

 

He's an ideal candidate for fun in my mind, since he lives close by and we have fun together.

 

I DON'T want a relationship. With him. This isn't about tying to do mental gymnastics in order to try to make him want me.

 

I already KNOW the dude is open to a relationship. I don't believe I'd have to force him. I just really know better than to have a relationship with a guy like him after hearing so many negative opinions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have another fwb who I think I'll go back to seeing. Who is issue free and despite HIS severe depression that is mind numbingly medicated, he IS a very ACTIVE father.

[Leigh 87]

I'm not getting the sense that your motivation for wanting a FWB stems from introspection. It seems that the reason you now want a FWB is because of the comments we made here.

 

I think this is one of your hardest challenges: you seem to struggle to identify what you really want. You know what you feel and are good at justifying your actions based on feelings. This thread is a perfect example of that. First you felt abandoned so you built this whole scenario about him not being into you. Than your self-esteem felt threatened so you started arguing (needlessly) that he was into you. You got in touch with him, he was able to clear up the original confusion and you now feel in control and able to continue seeing this guy.

 

So it goes on. You want to continue seeing this guy because of the intense chemistry between the two of you. Again, you are justifying your actions based on how you feel. You also don't want to feel shamed (by us) for continuing to see him so you reconcile those emotions by telling us you can handle a FWB arrangement.

 

But, Leigh, what do you really want? Ideally, if a magic fairy could show up and grant you your number 1 wish: what would that be?

 

Once you've established that, than you need to be honest with yourself and with this guy about what you want. That is the only way to make sure you eventually build an honest relationship, whether it be with this guy or someone else.

 

 

 

Seriously.

 

If he was issue free and relationship material I'd date him if he wanted it.

 

He's not relationship material so I'd still like to see him without commitment. A Fwb if you will.

 

If he was well, and had the capacity to date yet just wasn't into ME, I'd definitely not do fwb.

 

I only do fwb type scenarios with men who ARE actually into me yet cannot be with me for outside reasons. It worked out nicely before.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Besides the emotional unavailability, he treats me the way a gf is treated; dates out, he loves my company as much as the sex, he pays for everything.

Leigh, you have known him for 3 weeks right? or is it 4?