Breaking It Off Vent

[katiegrl]

Huge 2nd to this. Leigh, after you've had some time to cool down, come back and re-read your posts. I think you'll have some understanding then of why posters here are baffled by the rants and rather conceited-sounding descriptions of yourself. Humility goes a long way.

 

Agree, the level of arrogance, conceit and ego in many of her posts is quite disturbing actually.

[Weezy1973]

Agree, the level of arrogance, conceit and ego in many of her posts is quite disturbing actually.

 

Those are all just defense mechanisms. Leigh has actually come a long way.

 

Here's my take (and not just on this particular incident):

 

Leigh was bullied mercilessly when she was a kid and told explicitly that she was ugly and worthless. This had a major impact on her sense of self worth.

 

Her brain then did this: ugly = worthless; pretty = worthy of love.

 

Many women struggle with this concept because of media images etc. but then multiply that times about 1000 for Leigh. Feeling like you're not worthy of love and belonging is the number one reason why people commit suicide. It's devastating.

 

Because of this, Leigh has struggled with body image issues. She's had anorexia and at only 28 years old has already had plastic surgery, botox, and is hoping for additional plastic surgery. Pretty = worthy of love.

 

She constantly refers to her beautiful friend who had instant chemistry with her man in a bar as the "ideal" relationship. In her brain, this is the type of relationship that pretty girls get. She is obsessed with finding this type of relationship because she desperately needs to be one of the pretty girls. Pretty = worthy of love.

 

The inconsistencies, delusions, and behaviours are all defense mechanisms designed to avoid pain. And in this case pain means feeling unattractive or ugly. And the reason you see the same message over and over again is her protecting herself from the pain of feeling ugly and therefore worthless.

 

That being said, she really has come a long, long way. She's overcome anorexia. She's stopped (mostly) only being attracted to unavailable men. She broadened the types of men she's attracted from only physically hottest men. Those are all huge steps.

 

But it's a process. Leigh, you are absolutely worthy of love and belonging just that way you are. If you gained 200 lbs and grew zits all over your body you'd still be infinitely worthy of being loved. Not for any other reason than because you're you. Out of all the people on the planet, nobody else exists like you. And that's worth a lot.

 

You make the world a better place simply because you exist. I hope one day you realize it.

[writergal]

Those are all just defense mechanisms. Leigh has actually come a long way.

 

Here's my take (and not just on this particular incident):

 

Leigh was bullied mercilessly when she was a kid and told explicitly that she was ugly and worthless. This had a major impact on her sense of self worth.

 

Her brain then did this: ugly = worthless; pretty = worthy of love.

 

Many women struggle with this concept because of media images etc. but then multiply that times about 1000 for Leigh. Feeling like you're not worthy of love and belonging is the number one reason why people commit suicide. It's devastating.

 

Because of this, Leigh has struggled with body image issues. She's had anorexia and at only 28 years old has already had plastic surgery, botox, and is hoping for additional plastic surgery. Pretty = worthy of love.

 

She constantly refers to her beautiful friend who had instant chemistry with her man in a bar as the "ideal" relationship. In her brain, this is the type of relationship that pretty girls get. She is obsessed with finding this type of relationship because she desperately needs to be one of the pretty girls. Pretty = worthy of love.

 

The inconsistencies, delusions, and behaviours are all defense mechanisms designed to avoid pain. And in this case pain means feeling unattractive or ugly. And the reason you see the same message over and over again is her protecting herself from the pain of feeling ugly and therefore worthless.

 

That being said, she really has come a long, long way. She's overcome anorexia. She's stopped (mostly) only being attracted to unavailable men. She broadened the types of men she's attracted from only physically hottest men. Those are all huge steps.

 

But it's a process. Leigh, you are absolutely worthy of love and belonging just that way you are. If you gained 200 lbs and grew zits all over your body you'd still be infinitely worthy of being loved. Not for any other reason than because you're you. Out of all the people on the planet, nobody else exists like you. And that's worth a lot.

 

You make the world a better place simply because you exist. I hope one day you realize it.

 

+1. Seriously, the best post in this entire thread.

[katiegrl]

Those are all just defense mechanisms. Leigh has actually come a long way.

 

Here's my take (and not just on this particular incident):

 

Leigh was bullied mercilessly when she was a kid and told explicitly that she was ugly and worthless. This had a major impact on her sense of self worth.

 

Her brain then did this: ugly = worthless; pretty = worthy of love.

 

Many women struggle with this concept because of media images etc. but then multiply that times about 1000 for Leigh. Feeling like you're not worthy of love and belonging is the number one reason why people commit suicide. It's devastating.

 

Because of this, Leigh has struggled with body image issues. She's had anorexia and at only 28 years old has already had plastic surgery, botox, and is hoping for additional plastic surgery. Pretty = worthy of love.

 

She constantly refers to her beautiful friend who had instant chemistry with her man in a bar as the "ideal" relationship. In her brain, this is the type of relationship that pretty girls get. She is obsessed with finding this type of relationship because she desperately needs to be one of the pretty girls. Pretty = worthy of love.

 

The inconsistencies, delusions, and behaviours are all defense mechanisms designed to avoid pain. And in this case pain means feeling unattractive or ugly. And the reason you see the same message over and over again is her protecting herself from the pain of feeling ugly and therefore worthless.

 

That being said, she really has come a long, long way. She's overcome anorexia. She's stopped (mostly) only being attracted to unavailable men. She broadened the types of men she's attracted from only physically hottest men. Those are all huge steps.

 

But it's a process. Leigh, you are absolutely worthy of love and belonging just that way you are. If you gained 200 lbs and grew zits all over your body you'd still be infinitely worthy of being loved. Not for any other reason than because you're you. Out of all the people on the planet, nobody else exists like you. And that's worth a lot.

 

You make the world a better place simply because you exist. I hope one day you realize it.

 

Okay now I feel like crying.

 

Weezy, I do see what you are saying as I seem to alternate between feeling sorry for her and wanting to give her a hug, to feeling alarmed by how conceited she appears to be.

 

It's a mixed bag with her.

 

I knew she had self-esteem issues but had no idea why.

 

If what you say is true (and I am not doubting that it is)...then wow. Puts things in a different perspective for sure!

[losangelena]

Those are all just defense mechanisms. Leigh has actually come a long way.

 

Here's my take (and not just on this particular incident):

 

Leigh was bullied mercilessly when she was a kid and told explicitly that she was ugly and worthless. This had a major impact on her sense of self worth.

 

Her brain then did this: ugly = worthless; pretty = worthy of love.

 

Many women struggle with this concept because of media images etc. but then multiply that times about 1000 for Leigh. Feeling like you're not worthy of love and belonging is the number one reason why people commit suicide. It's devastating.

 

Because of this, Leigh has struggled with body image issues. She's had anorexia and at only 28 years old has already had plastic surgery, botox, and is hoping for additional plastic surgery. Pretty = worthy of love.

 

She constantly refers to her beautiful friend who had instant chemistry with her man in a bar as the "ideal" relationship. In her brain, this is the type of relationship that pretty girls get. She is obsessed with finding this type of relationship because she desperately needs to be one of the pretty girls. Pretty = worthy of love.

 

The inconsistencies, delusions, and behaviours are all defense mechanisms designed to avoid pain. And in this case pain means feeling unattractive or ugly. And the reason you see the same message over and over again is her protecting herself from the pain of feeling ugly and therefore worthless.

 

That being said, she really has come a long, long way. She's overcome anorexia. She's stopped (mostly) only being attracted to unavailable men. She broadened the types of men she's attracted from only physically hottest men. Those are all huge steps.

 

But it's a process. Leigh, you are absolutely worthy of love and belonging just that way you are. If you gained 200 lbs and grew zits all over your body you'd still be infinitely worthy of being loved. Not for any other reason than because you're you. Out of all the people on the planet, nobody else exists like you. And that's worth a lot.

 

You make the world a better place simply because you exist. I hope one day you realize it.

 

+1,000,000, seriously. As someone who's know Leigh for a while, thanks for the perspective.

 

I was bullied as a youngster, when I was morbidly obese (I've lost ~150 lbs over the past 15 years or so), and I struggle with the notion that I'm not "relationship-worthy" because my body doesn't look quite right or I'm not conventionally attractive.

 

But, I know intrinsically, I have value, that my heart and nurturing spirit and personality are things that I have to offer a partner. So, as crazy as I think my BF might be dating me, I am learning to feel more secure in his love and affection.

 

I recognize the struggle though, and am thankful for the perspective.

[Diezel]

People need to stop being armchair therapists.

 

Maybe if you didn't repeat the same scenarios over and over and over and over and over with the same underlying tone, people wouldn't feel the need to do so.

 

Weezy knocked this one out of the park.

[Phoe]

I totally understand why Leigh says the things she says.

 

 

I've gone through those ups and downs, the extreme bullying, the nasty comments, feeling bad about myself and unworthy. Feeling like I need to change so many things about myself and try SO HARD just to be worthy.

 

 

And sometimes there's a bad day where it all sinks in at once and you feel like crap. My defense mechanism? I talk myself up. I tell myself "No! These are the good things about myself. I'm not that bad. I have XYZ, and the people who think that's not good enough are ridiculous, because I don't think I'm terrible! I've got plenty of redeeming qualities, and these are them!" and I state those things. I remind myself of the good things.

 

 

And Leigh does too. She reminds herself of the good things, of the things about herself that she likes, of the things about herself that she doesn't want anyone to try to take away.

 

 

When you say something over and over and over, and think it over and over and over... you start to believe it. It becomes truth. Wanna know how I keep positive and happy? Because I tell myself that I am positive and happy. Even when I feel down in the dumps, I stop myself and say "No!! There's no reason for this. I want to be happy, so I will be. No buts!"

 

 

But then there are times when people question what you are saying. Like "Why are you saying all these things about yourself? Humble-brag much? Why do you feel the need to tell us this? No one cares." - and that stings. Because we're trying our best.

 

 

Everyone works things out in their own way. Including Leigh. No point in judging just because her way of working things out may be different from someone else's way.

[Leigh 87]

I was merely defending myself when GemmaUK said my boyfriend had hotties and he thought I didn't fit the bill.

 

I know for a fact that he is very attracted to me. He's told me that I'm his ideal type and he's never felt as attracted to other women he's been with hence why he finds it hard to let go of me... We have so much fun together and have THAT type of chemistry.

 

I've stressed many times that I'm not all that. I'm not some beauty queen. But in my real life, I am treated like I'm an attractive woman. By the treatment I get. But being attractive certainly didn't mean everyone finds me that way.

 

For what it's worth, I'm a lot better looking in real life than I am in pictures. My boyfriend was stunned as were the other online dudes.

 

I'll decent myself against people who question my boyfriends level of attraction for me. Yes she was 18, but I have the body of a 20 year old and I look years younger than I really am.

[katiegrl]

I was merely defending myself when GemmaUK said my boyfriend had hotties and he thought I didn't fit the bill.

 

I know for a fact that he is very attracted to me. He's told me that I'm his ideal type and he's never felt as attracted to other women he's been with hence why he finds it hard to let go of me... We have so much fun together and have THAT type of chemistry.

 

I've stressed many times that I'm not all that. I'm not some beauty queen. But in my real life, I am treated like I'm an attractive woman. By the treatment I get. But being attractive certainly didn't mean everyone finds me that way.

 

For what it's worth, I'm a lot better looking in real life than I am in pictures. My boyfriend was stunned as were the other online dudes.

 

I'll decent myself against people who question my boyfriends level of attraction for me. Yes she was 18, but I have the body of a 20 year old and I look years younger than I really am.

 

Leigh, I for one know how attractive you are...I have told you that many times! And I have no doubt the men you meet find you attractive as well, and that your current boyfriend also finds you extremely attractive. Because you are!

 

The reason we are criticizing him is because, speaking personally, I think you can do better, and deserve a man much better than him!

 

I know you feel strong chemistry with him and that's super important, but you have soooo much more going for yourself, I just think you can do better. That's all.

[Leigh 87]

He's told me about his ex ex and why she left with the babies.

 

The man raised them. He was a devoted father.

 

The relationship wasn't working. He told her he didn't love her and didn't want a relationship.

 

She told him she was going to her mums. And left the state.

[Timshel]

Leigh, are your parents home with you?

[Timshel]

I was asking because you seem upset. I am hoping you have someone there to talk to. I hope you are ok.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks Timshell.

 

Dad is home I am fine thanks.

 

Honestly, I am sure I will find grerat chemistry with a decent guy so I am not worried about me at all!

 

HE is the one I fear for. He has made some awful mistakes in life and he's really paying for them.

[Leigh 87]

Anyway,

 

I am 28, don't want kids but if it happens it happens, and I don't care if I date right now as I am very confident that I will find a good partner in my 30's if I wanted to.

 

So I have made my decision. And it does not involve a long term relationship with him.

 

I am doing with him what I did with a guy last year. A guy I did not write about. Because I didn't have to, BECAUSE that guy and I never had issues with the arrangement.

 

I met the guy at a metal concert last year. He can feel sparks, chemistry and love for his children but that is as far as it goes - he has a chemical imbalance and sees a psychiatrist as does his parents (it is genetic). Basically, he has a " head" problem where he cannot really feel " happy". BUT, me and the guy had fireworks and we clicked. It was so fun hanging out in addition to the sex, that we decided to hang out and have sex. This went on for months. I only left when I met a guy who COULD offer me a relationship. All was good. We missed hanging out but we weren't upset.

 

I have decided to support him, this CURRENT guy, but I know it isn't a forever relationship, based on his mental state. I figure rather than being abstinent for months, I would rather go around the corner, enjoy sex with him and know that I am making him feel better by simply hanging out with him.

 

Me spending time with him, which is mostly not sex due to his diminished labido, DOES make this guy feel a LOT happier than life without me. And I stand to gain, since I have an ideal FWB situation around the corner.

 

He considers us bf and gf but in my mind I realise it is just going to be a bit of fun for me, mind blowing sex and a lot of laughs in his company. I have no investment; I am enjoying the moment until it ends. I will miss him but once his life is on track and it gets to a stage where I feel like seeking out a relationship I will tell him.I have told him all this. He seems to think that he DOES want a relationship, it is not that he doesn't, but a guy like him has to take it very slow and he cannot make promises to people as he doesn't know how long it will take him to be a happy and healthy.

 

I know better than to count on a relationship. Now do I need a relationship at this life stage. And so I am going to just have fun. As I did with the guy from last year.

 

It is sort of like a FWB with a person who does deem you relationship material basically. It is not a case of either of these guys NOT thinking I am worthy of a relationship; neither guy can get into a full blown relationship with anyone. These are the ONLY type of FWB I can stomach and actually enjoy! With men who DO honestly deem me relationship worthy as opposed to the typical FWB where the guys often don't believe you are relationship material.

 

I have had this same arrangement before - I will be fine lol.

 

^^^^ I didn't write about that last guy on here because there were no issues.

[Leigh 87]

The baby isn't doing well.

 

He is at the hospital with it the days he is not at work.

 

When he holds it it takes to him and stops crying. He enjoys holding the baby. He is pretty sure that it is his. It looks like he did as a baby and it looks like his other babies.

 

I like that he has me for support as I an tell it makes a HUGE difference. Meanwhile, I am at college, working and don't really care if it isn't some great lasting love story.

 

I am not the type of person who can know a man is in a lot of pain and suffering such acute emotional anguish and LEAVE entirely. I feel sooooooo bad for him:(

 

But yeah, if during my time in college I come accross a man who can offer me a solid, real relationship and he is NORMAL, I will get to know him and if he seems legit, I will of course cease seeing this current guy. I am there to support him but it has a shelf life and he should be well aware.

[Leigh 87]

+1,000,000, seriously. As someone who's know Leigh for a while, thanks for the perspective.

 

I was bullied as a youngster, when I was morbidly obese (I've lost ~150 lbs over the past 15 years or so), and I struggle with the notion that I'm not "relationship-worthy" because my body doesn't look quite right or I'm not conventionally attractive.

 

But, I know intrinsically, I have value, that my heart and nurturing spirit and personality are things that I have to offer a partner. So, as crazy as I think my BF might be dating me, I am learning to feel more secure in his love and affection.

 

I recognize the struggle though, and am thankful for the perspective.

 

 

The thing is, I HAVE become conventionally attractive. I lost weight, am slim and have "the body" many men venerate.

 

I don't sit around and wonder " oh geez, I mustn't be attracted to many people"

 

So it is hard for me to handle men wanting me but I DO know that they do.

 

HARDER is that the men who are all "nice" to me now, are not necessarily nice enough people to be kind to people who ARE NOT attractive to them...

 

I feel they are the same boys who were unkind to the girls who weren't pretty. Nice to ME, the slim girl with a nice figure (by many peoples standards, NOT ALL, many people prefer skinny chicks which I am not skinny).

 

I want a guy with a kind heart who would have been kind to the OLD ME, the chubby Leigh or the anorexic Leigh ( I looked awful big and too skinny).

 

So far, a guy I recently met was NORMAL, and super SUPER kind..... the kind of guy who was sweet to EVERYONE irrespective of the way they looked! Sadly, I only felt very mediocre chemistry and I cannot be with a man when I lack that " cannot keep my hand off him" thing.

 

I could have had a nice life with this man, he is staunchly loyal, has the kindest heart I have ever known and he works full time and isn't... a loser of any kind.

 

But without passion and being excited to spend time with a guy I am so much happier single.

 

So far the men who are really, really nice people and "normal" with no issies to boot, have been the men who have wanted me but honestly I am so much happier not dating that guy now, he was merely someone I had to tolerate and I enjoyed getting presents and nice meals but I refuse to use someone for their money.

 

He also had a bad stuttering problem and I just wasn't all that attracted to him.... I could let him touch ME and make ME feel good, but I didn't feel like kissing him or having sex with him:sick:

 

I met one decent guy who I totally would have dated but he had a gf, and we had to keep away since we had such good chemistry and he said he is worried about what would happen if we hung out anymore:(

 

So I think so far I have met ONE decent man who would have dated me AND who I had the butterflies and exciting feeling surronding.

 

And I have met FOUR other really nice guys who really, really wanted to date me but who ... look, I simply didn't enjoy making out with them. I couldn't stomach even kissing one so I didn't. Yes they were nice guys, looked fine, full time jobs, one of them made me laugh......

 

But I enjoy being single so much more than I do being with those men who I didnt look forward to sex with and didn't love kissing.

 

The fact I have met ONE decent man in my 7 months single who I had good chemistry with IS a positive sign.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People make me think that the current guy I am enjoying isn't "decent" because he made bad life choices. I find that really judgmental:( I mean, he has a grerat career he worked his butt off for, pays child support and does the right thing by his kids.... He has always been nice to me and made me feel like I am gorgeous and he often tells me what a nice person I am.

 

I thought he seemed like a nice guy all be it, with issues.

[MissBee]

I don't think it's a big problem that he doesn't text you more...it's more that he had a recent break up and his ex just had a baby that's possibly his. I think that this man is really not ready to emotionally invest or commit to you.

 

I have to say that I also see this as the biggest red flag.

 

He has A LOT going on emotionally. If he had a traumatic breakup some months ago and now there is a baby scare, sorry Leigh, but not sure why you would think anyone in this situation is ready to invest emotionally in a new relationship. Whether he is still in love with his ex or not isn't really the point, the point is he has lots of healing to do and things to sort out and usually when someone hates their ex, they are not over them emotionally, even if they aren't in love. He needs way more time to be ready and I agree that this might be a rebound scenario...and of course with rebounds you don't try to intentionally hurt the person but many times people want to stop hurting so try to dive into something new and then VERY QUICKLY start saying they are in love and making the relationship intense to cancel out the pain of their former relationship/breakup....but usually at some point they start having second thoughts about it or start to realize they may be going too fast or aren't as into the person as they made themselves believe.

 

I think that's a bigger problem than the texts. The not texting itself didn't seem like that big of a deal to me actually and I think that you're probably reacting to a wise part of yourself that is telling you that maybe this guy isn't ready.

[Jessie1231]

Within one day - you've gone from being sad you didn't hear from him for an entire day, to deciding you should end this two/three week relationship, to ending this relationship, to telling yourself it had nothing to do with you but was because he couldn't have a relationship with anyone, to deciding and telling him that while he can't have a relationship with you he can have sex with you.

 

This is seriously all over the place. And while I've had two successful FWB situations, this doesn't seem like the best way to start one. When someone doesn't want a relationship with you but you hang onto them through sex, there usually is not a happy ending.

[Leigh 87]

Within one day - you've gone from being sad you didn't hear from him for an entire day, to deciding you should end this two/three week relationship, to ending this relationship, to telling yourself it had nothing to do with you but was because he couldn't have a relationship with anyone, to deciding and telling him that while he can't have a relationship with you he can have sex with you.

 

This is seriously all over the place. And while I've had two successful FWB situations, this doesn't seem like the best way to start one. When someone doesn't want a relationship with you but you hang onto them through sex, there usually is not a happy ending.

 

 

 

He does want a relationship with me. I am everything he has been looking for and he has yet to have found in one woman.

 

I am the one who has called time on the "relationship" not him, he NEVER said he just didn;t want a relationship. I have made the correct assessment that HE CANNOT have any sort of relationship.

 

I am not hanging on to him through sex. He gets super excited about seeing me and loves talking to me. It makes his day much better.

 

This is not the usual case where a guy isn't that into me, and will meet a woman who knocks his socks off and who he WILL commit to okay.....

 

He lives close by and I don't want to stop having mind blowing sex simply because he is not in any position to have a relationship (WITH ANYONE).

 

The only way it can possibly end badly is if I fall in love and fall too hard = which I WILL know I am doing and I would walk away.

 

With FWB I do understand the mindset you have to adopt. You realise it could end tomorrow, not to base your life or mental shedule around them, and to enjoy it while you can. You miss the sex and company when it ends but you don't feel hearbroken or upset as you do with a RELATIONSHIP break up.

[Leigh 87]

I have to say that I also see this as the biggest red flag.

 

He has A LOT going on emotionally. If he had a traumatic breakup some months ago and now there is a baby scare, sorry Leigh, but not sure why you would think anyone in this situation is ready to invest emotionally in a new relationship. Whether he is still in love with his ex or not isn't really the point, the point is he has lots of healing to do and things to sort out and usually when someone hates their ex, they are not over them emotionally, even if they aren't in love. He needs way more time to be ready and I agree that this might be a rebound scenario...and of course with rebounds you don't try to intentionally hurt the person but many times people want to stop hurting so try to dive into something new and then VERY QUICKLY start saying they are in love and making the relationship intense to cancel out the pain of their former relationship/breakup....but usually at some point they start having second thoughts about it or start to realize they may be going too fast or aren't as into the person as they made themselves believe.

 

I think that's a bigger problem than the texts. The not texting itself didn't seem like that big of a deal to me actually and I think that you're probably reacting to a wise part of yourself that is telling you that maybe this guy isn't ready.

 

 

Look, the guy IS completely into me. We have "that chemistry", I give him goosebumps and make his spine tingle. This is NOT a case of " well, I am not ready for a relationship WITH YOU" and then the guy goes and meets the woman he DOES fall for.

 

I would never be that girl. Who a guy doesn't yearn for and uses for sex until a better option comes along. I know when a guy is legit - into me. Yet cannot have a relationship.

 

I admit it is VERy rare for a man to genuinely be into a girl and yet NOT be able to have a relationship with them - 98% of the time or you know, MOST of the time, what the guy means is - WITH YOU. It is YOU who doesn't rock his world.

 

I have encountered two guys now including the current who genuinely felt that special chemistry with me and WERE into me fully, and yet simply could not have any sort of a relationship with a woman.

 

So 2 men out of the .....20 men who tried to feed me that line are genuine. It is rare but yes, this is the situation.

 

When I meet a guy in my daily goings on - who I have a spark with and who seems to want to date me, I will pursue it. This guy would understand.

 

And it is not that this guy DOES NOT want a relationship - him and I think that he doesn't havet he capacity to INVEST emotionally 100%. Even though he would LIKE me as a long term partner, in theory and based on the chemistry we have, shared outlooks on life and all that jazz and based on the way I make him feel.

 

I am really doing him a favour - seeing my some nights will make him really happy, which he sorely needs. And after college some nights, I could do with a good ****

[katiegrl]

Well Leigh, being that this guy IS totally into you, but still "isn't ready" for a relationship, I hope the next time another female posts about a guy who tells her he "isn't ready" to have a relationship, you will be a little more sympathetic to her position, and not automatically assume HE IS JUST NOT INTO YOU.

 

You know now that's NOT always the case, right?

Edited April 20, 2015 by katiegrl

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I for one know how attractive you are...I have told you that many times! And I have no doubt the men you meet find you attractive as well, and that your current boyfriend also finds you extremely attractive. Because you are!

 

The reason we are criticizing him is because, speaking personally, I think you can do better, and deserve a man much better than him!

 

I know you feel strong chemistry with him and that's super important, but you have soooo much more going for yourself, I just think you can do better. That's all.[/QUE]

 

I agree. Thanks.

 

When I come across the right guy I'll stop seeing this guy.

 

He even told me that I deserve better. That he thinks I'm a catch and I am everything he wants in the one woman. He does want a relationship but obviously once he's emotionally available 100%. Only clearly I'll be gone by then.

 

 

 

I sort of feel like I'll have a couple more months of fun and then stop on my own accord. With or without another man in the picture.

[Leigh 87]

Well Leigh, being that this guy IS totally into you, but still "isn't ready" for a relationship, I hope the next time another female posts about a guy who tells her he "isn't ready" to have a relationship, you will be a little more sympathetic to her position, and not automatically assume HE IS JUST NOT INTO YOU.

 

You know now that's NOT always the case, right?

 

Of course not!

 

 

I've had two men who were totally onto me. And were simply unavailable. And I suspect three....

 

In MOST cases,.the guys just aren't into you....

 

The cases I've heard bout here...point to the guy not being that into them. They didn't have any compelling trauma..

[SawtoothMars]

Of course not!

I've had two men who were totally onto me. And were simply unavailable. And I suspect three....

In MOST cases,.the guys just aren't into you....

The cases I've heard bout here...point to the guy not being that into them. They didn't have any compelling trauma..

 

I don't know. Sometimes a man is into you, but he doesn't express that the way you want. Which essentially becomes the same thing to you. If a guy can't express himself in a way that you can feel... then it is a critical mismatch.

 

As for this guy... Yeah he has a lot going on. I know the female prevailing wisdom is to cut bait and run. I'm going to be honest and say most of the women on LS are about as good at relationships as a black widow spider.

 

I personally think you are taking a good strategy here. Emotionally pull back a bit... and then just give it some time. Part of the problem here is that you are having expectations that he isn't meeting. If you expect less from him and take some of the pressure off... you may be able to enjoy this much more. If at some point he turns a corner... great! If not... then whatever.

 

Personally, I get a big douchebag vibe when you talk about this guy.

[Leigh 87]

I don't know. Sometimes a man is into you, but he doesn't express that the way you want. Which essentially becomes the same thing to you. If a guy can't express himself in a way that you can feel... then it is a critical mismatch.

 

As for this guy... Yeah he has a lot going on. I know the female prevailing wisdom is to cut bait and run. I'm going to be honest and say most of the women on LS are about as good at relationships as a black widow spider.

 

I personally think you are taking a good strategy here. Emotionally pull back a bit... and then just give it some time. Part of the problem here is that you are having expectations that he isn't meeting. If you expect less from him and take some of the pressure off... you may be able to enjoy this much more. If at some point he turns a corner... great! If not... then whatever.

 

Personally, I get a big douchebag vibe when you talk about this guy.

 

 

 

I am holding out for the man I deserve.

 

I have the ability to emotionally detatch once a guy is mentally demoted to FWB status. My mother went to live overseas when I was a child and my father followed. They meant well and were/are very loving parents though and they did it for the money so I could attend the best most exlusive private school in the state.

 

I know what this guy is. He isn't suitable for a relationship. So I am not going to have a relationship with him.

 

He's a FWB, we both have real feelings for one another and when I find a guy I deserve and who I feel the right, mutual chemistry with - it is this guy that will probably be more upset than I will be. But I cannot see myself finding the right guy in the next year or so, and I believe having me around for sex and company and laughs is really helping this guy restore his faith in women and feel better. We both get a lot out of this arrangement.. Best sex either of us have had, laughs, and a huge stress release when we hang out.

 

He said that he totally understands if I do not want to take him on at any given time.

 

If I catch too many feelings and I start wanting more than this man can give me..... I will leave. If I foresee a world of pain in store, I will leave.

 

Commitment.. A relationship..... is not on the cards with us and I know it. He works most weekends. I am not expecting weekly romantic dates, commitment and meeting his fam. But I am FWB because he likes me enough to do those things - FWB never work for me unless the guy likes me ENOUGH to commit. But can't for reasons beyond his control. FWB for me that really kick off are rare as I don't subscribe to the usual FWB where the guy isn't that into you but thinks you're good for sex and nothing else. In my FWB, me and the guy have to view each other as relationship material IN THEORY..........He is def relationship material ASIDE from his many, many..... extensive array of issues! The career, looks, great personality....He seems loyal to partners......

 

This man says he is wanting a relationship with me once he heels. He wants committment, loyalty....I am the one who knows better. I am more self aware. I know people with this much sh*t wrong with them won't ever be relationship material, or at least for years. I am fine not sleeping with others. I am holding out for ther RIGHT guy. Not a quick lay. This guy takes care of all my needs. And he doesn't seem phased if a relationship is not on the cards for now due to his mental state, but he sees me as a person he wants one with in theory, if he was totally emotionally available.....

 

I will routinely talk to him and ensure he knows that there is a chance I could meet someone and stop seeing him in this way; that this is casual. So he knows I am not waiting for him to miraculously " change" and lose all his baggage.