this isn't the first time but i need it to be the last time

[velvette]

Been in this affair 8 months approx now.

 

I have tried to distance myself before and failed miserably. The thing is that i know i should do NC. I know. But it hurts. I tried it and i wasn't strong enough because i'm not ready to lose MM.

 

But, i have to get there. I have to be at a point where i'm ready to let go.

 

I would like to distance myself gradually in the hope that it won't hurt as much. Is that just wishful thinking or can it be done?

 

The problem is that i do love him and not being with him leaves a void in my life.

 

How do i fill that void? Also, how do i deal with the fact that my self esteem is through the floor?

 

What can i do to get out of this as gently (for myself as possible). I really am not ready for NC right now. It would rip my heart out.

 

So... is there another alternative?

 

 

Fill the void by scheduling activities that make you feel good. Time with friends and family. Work. Hobbies. Volunteering to help others.

 

 

Self esteem comes about through mastering things that make your life better. Things that take care of you, make you happy, peaceful or content.

 

 

If your M is over, take care of yourself and get out of it. Find a job or a better one or develop new skills at the one you have.

 

 

Do things to take care of yourself, make a healthy meal, exercise, get a new hair cut, etc.

 

 

Reconnect with friends or family you may have neglected.

 

 

Find a hobby or learn something new.

 

 

Volunteer to help others.

 

 

If you cant do it alone, find a counselor to help you.

 

 

It may not be easy, but it is simple. Test it out. Do a few things to take care of yourself without anyone else(especially a man's involvement) and you will see that you feel better. Keep doing that and stringing these things together and you will build up enough self esteem to reject behavior from others that hurts you.

[velvette]

A painless solution. That's what i'd like. Or a less painful solution than NC.

 

I was a fool. DTK3 told me months ago to not go down this road. He told me i'd end up here where i am now. I wish i'd listened to him.

 

I was self deceiving enough to think that maybe it would be different for me. That this man wasn't lying when he said he loves me.

 

But no. It's not.

 

I haven't spoken to MM all day. He's messaged me 4 times. Yesterday i was too clingy. Today he's messaging me wondering where i am.

 

Do they do this deliberately? It's a total mindf*ck.

 

Does he know he's doing it or is it entirely unconscious?

I wish i could hate him. It would make NC so much easier.

 

 

Its unnecessary imo, to hate him. Why don't you start with hating how he treats you?

 

 

You cant change how he treats you. But, you can stop allowing him to treat you badly by removing yourself from the relationship.

[neverdonethisbefore]

I do hate how he treats me, sometimes. When it's good, it's so good but when he pulls away it's awful.

 

When it's good i'm so hopeful that maybe we will have a future. Then he pulls away and i lose all hope.

 

It's horrible.

[velvette]

I do hate how he treats me, sometimes. When it's good, it's so good but when he pulls away it's awful.

 

When it's good i'm so hopeful that maybe we will have a future. Then he pulls away and i lose all hope.

 

It's horrible.

 

 

This is the same thing that abused women say. If you had a friend who told you her husband beat the crap out of her once a month but inbetween it was really great, what would you tell her?

[neverdonethisbefore]

I would suggest that she leaves. :-(

 

I know what i should do. Believe me. I just don't want to go through the pain of leaving.

[jellybean89]

He is backtracking cause he probably fears you will tell his wife. He saw the look on your face when he told you he is t leaving and he wants the affair over.

 

He gets an ego stroke from you, but he also knows you are way too clingy and needy and the other woman is supposed to be for fun and no stress. He doesn't love you. He enjoys the attention.

 

Focus on your own life. Get a job to fill your time or volunteer at a shelter or retirement community. Fill your life with value - not a fantasy affair that provides you with what exactly? He's not leaving his wife so the affair will end eventually unless you plan to be this person for the rest of your life.

[velvette]

I would suggest that she leaves. :-(

 

I know what i should do. Believe me. I just don't want to go through the pain of leaving.

 

Well then your only option is to stay in the pain you are in now.

 

 

The sooner you face the pain of leaving the sooner it will be over.

 

 

You said before you should have listened to the advice you got here. Don't make the same mistake again.