duckrabbit Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Question for all of you: did you find a reduced attraction to your WW after the A? Mine kees complaining about my lack of physical interest despite my attempts to give her some degree of physical intimacy (ie holding hands, hugs). This complaining, in turn, just makes me more reluctant to be physical at all. I think I am justified in not really desiring a jump back into sex at this time but her patience and understanding of this seems to change frequently. Thoughts? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 She's complaining to you about how YOU feel after she's cheated? Man that's really ballsy of her. Looks like it's still all about her... What about you? What about how you feel? What about her sacrificing her feelings so you can feel better? She's got some nerve... Why aren't you mad at her and telling her so? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author duckrabbit Posted April 18, 2015 Author Share Posted April 18, 2015 You hit it on target, beach, as you so often do. How it goes is this: yes, I get mad and tell her she needs to are outside of herself. This will usually have the desired effect for a few days but then it goes back to being all about her. It's an ugly cycle that I only see repeating itself ad infinitum. Same thing is reflected when we have conversations about emotions and she doesn't really grasp why my emotions are still fragile and how all of our interactions feed back to some degree to the A. I don't think she truly gets that this is a life changing event for me. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 How long has it been since D-Day? Of course, she certainly has no room to be selfish at this point. However, what kind of honesty do you want from her? Do you want to know when she is having a down day and maybe needs you? Is a WS supposed to not have any needs for a given amount of time after D-Day? If they have moments of impatience, does that undo all the work they may be doing in between? You should take as long as you need to to feel safe with intimacy again, and it cannot be rushed. However, I read a lot about how transparent a WS should be after D-Day. Does that include sharing the moments when they may be having a hard time or may be less than perfect, or is anything less than perfect an indication that they are a failure in their remorse? Link to post Share on other sites
Author duckrabbit Posted April 18, 2015 Author Share Posted April 18, 2015 We are 5.5 months out from DDay now. Of course I want her to be open with me about her feelings; however, there is an element of emotional diarrhea with her where she tells me every little thing that sheiht be feeling. With my own degree of crap to handle, however, I sonetimes want her to find another outlet for her feelings. She is in IC but doesn't rewcc out to friends or family at all. I cannot force her to confide in others but I also can't be her only source for comfort. Perfection isn't the goal or the issue; rather, it is the way WS do or do not go beyond themselves to comfort the BS and shift their priorities from selfishness to a greater degree of other centeredness. Does this make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 You hit it on target, beach, as you so often do. How it goes is this: yes, I get mad and tell her she needs to are outside of herself. This will usually have the desired effect for a few days but then it goes back to being all about her. It's an ugly cycle that I only see repeating itself ad infinitum. Same thing is reflected when we have conversations about emotions and she doesn't really grasp why my emotions are still fragile and how all of our interactions feed back to some degree to the A. I don't think she truly gets that this is a life changing event for me. She may not realize that concept if you haven't changed things about your life. She may be sorry she got caught but not sorry she cheated. What consequences has she had? What have you done to change things? If nothing changes then nothing changes. She may have the idea that she cheats but life still looks rosey. If she's not willing to treat you right and like a king - then when? Maybe never. She doesn't seem to get that she ripped your heart out and trampled on it! The cheater acting entitled never makes me think they are willing to repair the damage and trust that they've broken. You can't make her grow a conscience. If she's not willing to treat you right then there may be no reason to stay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 We are 5.5 months out from DDay now. Of course I want her to be open with me about her feelings; however, there is an element of emotional diarrhea with her where she tells me every little thing that sheiht be feeling. With my own degree of crap to handle, however, I sonetimes want her to find another outlet for her feelings. She is in IC but doesn't rewcc out to friends or family at all. I cannot force her to confide in others but I also can't be her only source for comfort. Perfection isn't the goal or the issue; rather, it is the way WS do or do not go beyond themselves to comfort the BS and shift their priorities from selfishness to a greater degree of other centeredness. Does this make sense? It just sounds like you're married to an extremely selfish and self center person. It's not up to you to fix that about her. It's not up to you to understand it. And don't expect her to change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Question for all of you: did you find a reduced attraction to your WW after the A? Mine kees complaining about my lack of physical interest despite my attempts to give her some degree of physical intimacy (ie holding hands, hugs). This complaining, in turn, just makes me more reluctant to be physical at all. I think I am justified in not really desiring a jump back into sex at this time but her patience and understanding of this seems to change frequently. Thoughts? I get sick at the thought of having sex with him. I saw where his di** was. I don't want it near me. You do what you want to do. Don't let him push you into something you will regret. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 We are 5.5 months out from DDay now. Of course I want her to be open with me about her feelings; however, there is an element of emotional diarrhea with her where she tells me every little thing that sheiht be feeling. With my own degree of crap to handle, however, I sonetimes want her to find another outlet for her feelings. She is in IC but doesn't rewcc out to friends or family at all. I cannot force her to confide in others but I also can't be her only source for comfort. Perfection isn't the goal or the issue; rather, it is the way WS do or do not go beyond themselves to comfort the BS and shift their priorities from selfishness to a greater degree of other centeredness. Does this make sense? This makes perfect sense, and 5 months after D-Day I am sure everything is terribly raw. Right now her primary focus should be helping you to feel safe, helping you to heal, and really working on herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
i am gutted Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 after the first time all I wanted was to have some intimate sex with him.....I found that this was called hysterical bonding, he was the same. after a while it died down again, then it got worse and I wanted it but it felt like he was just doing it as a "job" needless to say, he was probably getting it from one of the many others he was secretly messaging. even now, I still would like to have it with him but there is nothing there now, Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Duck I've had two women just like her in my life and I can tell you you are fighting a losing battle. I'm not telling you to divorce, but if I were you I would turn around and walk away when she starts acting like that. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Well the last person she shared her troubles with was her affair partner. "A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on" as they say. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 in reading your previous threads, i can't but feel that your wife just doesn't get it... she hasn't really followed through with what you truly need to heal. she seems to be doing the bare minimum just to get by. how long can you go on like this? how long have you given yourself to make some headway? another thing... have you thought that, maybe, her cheating is just a dealbreaker for you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 You aren't attracted to her because you don't feel safe with her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author duckrabbit Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 Artie Lang you bring up a few of my most pressing concerns. I don't know how long I can put up with the bare minimum. I promised my MC to wait at least 6 months before making any firm decisions about D and that time is quickly approaching. The other point is that i have always viewed infidelity as a deal breaker for me and, thus far, have not seen enough evidence as to why that should not still be the case. I want to be convinced otherwise I guess. Life wasted what you said has resonated with me. I think you are rights about the not feeling safe bit. NoLimit I had to laugh at your post but I see the point. Also I have started reading Codependent No More and see many parallels not only for myself but also for my WW. I was very codependent earlier in life but see that I still have work to do. Thanks again all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Duck, if she hasn't put her all in trying to show true remorse and understand the harm and hurt she has caused you by now, she's probably not capable of doing so. If infidelity was originally a deal breaker for you, then stick to your principles. If she hasn't gotten with the program by now, she never will. She had the A, and it is her duty to fix the problem, not yours. It sounds like she is trying to fake her way through R and hope you will go along with it just to save the M. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Duck, if she hasn't put her all in trying to show true remorse and understand the harm and hurt she has caused you by now, she's probably not capable of doing so. I know I'm joining the party late but wanted to amplify this message a little. What I would be asking myself at this point is whether there's any reason to believe this won't happen again. With no apparent appreciation of the damage she's done and no willingness to even start to make the effort to repair it, is there reason to think the future will be different? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 This is why it's one and out for me. Cheat and your gone. Not bad enough that I have to deal with the betrayal, the lies and being disrespected but then to lie next to her in bed and having to see her walking around putting on some kind of half ass act so she won't get pitched out of the house and making my life more miserable not knowing if she was fully truthful or if she'll do it again once the dust settles. Something like this happens and then it's when my feelings, my life and my sanity comes first because she had her chance and blew it.........in more ways than one. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtHusband Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I could not agree more with the above poster... I am still with my cheating wife after she confessed to her affair last aug. Watching her get dressed, half naked, even watching her eat fried chicken with her hands at a restaurant. I was thinking, look at that mouth, she looked like that when she was with him. Of course we have no reconciliation and my marriage is doomed. We never touch, and if she brushes against me or touches my knee, I tense up.. She is emailing an old flame . An ' emotional affair' I realize our days are numbered. She has no loyalty to me. OF lives far away in a different country. Since last October I have been taking photos of ever email they exchange and uploading to a private hosting site. I know the future is not rosy and I would be stupid to stay with a woman who ' misses' some guy she hasn't seen since 2009! It's a joke! But I'm not laughing, but hopefully one day I will be. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I could not agree more with the above poster... I am still with my cheating wife after she confessed to her affair last aug. Watching her get dressed, half naked, even watching her eat fried chicken with her hands at a restaurant. I was thinking, look at that mouth, she looked like that when she was with him. Of course we have no reconciliation and my marriage is doomed. We never touch, and if she brushes against me or touches my knee, I tense up.. She is emailing an old flame . An ' emotional affair' I realize our days are numbered. She has no loyalty to me. OF lives far away in a different country. Since last October I have been taking photos of ever email they exchange and uploading to a private hosting site. I know the future is not rosy and I would be stupid to stay with a woman who ' misses' some guy she hasn't seen since 2009! It's a joke! But I'm not laughing, but hopefully one day I will be. Why haven't you bailed? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtHusband Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Living in foreign country, two adorable kids that I love seeing everyday. Can't get divorced ( here ) too scared... But, planning to separate this summer ( Definetly this year) Cannot continue.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Living in foreign country, two adorable kids that I love seeing everyday. Can't get divorced ( here ) too scared... But, planning to separate this summer ( Definetly this year) Cannot continue.... Come to America. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtHusband Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Life wasted I sent you a PM, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Of course. No man wants someone's sloppy seconds. I think everyone can relate to that feeling. Obviously she doesn't understand how much she hurt you if she thinks she can make such intimate demands of you so shortly after her betrayal. Things like this take years to get over and rarely go back to the way they were. At this point, you can either run or stick around take your beating. Either way, don't let her out of your sight. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lisbon67 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) Yeah it's very difficult. .I know exactly where your coming from... My WW is still living with me in my house while we await our final divorce coming through... But my WW only finally spilled her guts about her A 5 weeks ago. (Though the affair itself was actually a full 11 years ago now...and I Knew ..it had happened but it ate me for 11 years because she so strenuously denied it point blank)...and then TT for 4 weeks and only 1 week ago at last admitted and gave me all the gory sex details of what they had done...the amount of lies and deceit was astounding ...she was calling me at lunchtime at work...as we did every day..telling me she loved me etc...then getting herself dolled up to be picked up outside MY FRONT DOOR...by her AP while I was still at work. When I got home I woukd likely get a text thst she would be home later as she had gone to her mystery 'friends' house.... But even then in last few weeks ..we ve been intimate a few times....but it's horrible. ..sometimes I still do it...but with an undercurrent of loathing and disgust. ..tho trying to hide it from her... its really hell. .. the triggers too are constant and often innocuous. Eg we watched an advert for coffee. ..and previously she had told me they had 'just gone for coffees '...before the A became sexual ..even this was a trigger for me and I felt sick...!! She even went for a bath some early evenings..then put on her make up and nails in front of me...and even asked me if she 'looked nice'. ..before jumping into a taxi to go to her 'friends' house...sick really...but even when I see her now putting mascara on or shaving her legs.. its a massive trigger again..reminds me of her getting ready to go to her lover.....there's no escape... I still hate myself for being so naive and gullible and stupid not to see what the cheating b**** was really up to.. she usually came back from her 'friends' quite drunk and giddy too...sometimes glowing... and I still was a complete idiot. .. You should spilt Edited April 20, 2015 by lisbon67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts