Got intimate with 2 guys whilst drunk. Is this cheating

[atlantahan]

I went to a party with my friends last Saturday. I got very drunk. Bf couldn’t join as he had other things to do. I hadn’t been drunk in a good 5 -6 years so I had forgotten what it’s like to be drunk (I’m 20).

 

3 events happened while I was really drunk (two different guys involved)

Firstly, I was lying on the sand looking up at the sky when this guy came and laid down next to me. I had absolutely no feelings for the guy. We talked about random things. After a few mins, he put his head on my arm (I had my arms stretched out to my sides). I thought it was close but didn’t stop it. Soon he got on top of me but NOT face to face. He was sprawled on top of me at a 30 degree angle ie his face going into my left armpit. I thought this was close and that I only do this with my bf, so I decided to get up and immediately after someone throw a condom at us which was when I realized this is getting sexual and I moved away immediately.

 

Second event: Immediately after, I went to the dance floor. I danced pretty closely (face to face) with a guy. I was dancing with other people too though and the only reason It was so close was because the dance floor was packed. He put his hands on my waist and I moved away and left the dance floor.

 

Third event: *I don’t remember any of this at all, told by the guy. I was wayy too drunk by this point* I was supposedly sitting on a bench with the first guy again and we had our arms (just one arm) around each other’s shoulder.

 

We talked like this for about 5 minutes according to him just about random things.

 

I haven’t told bf about all this. I honestly had innocent intentions. I think part of it was because i was looking to meet new friends. I am perfectly happy in the relationship. I have never had any thoughts of cheating on him or pursuing someone else romantically at all! But there were 3 different events and I feel like I should’ve stopped them earlier and I don't know why i didn't.

 

Should i tell him? Was this cheating?

Edited April 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

NO, boundaries a bit loose due to drink I presume, I personally would say nothing unless someone is going to tell your bf complete with pics/video maybe, or more did happen and you feel the need to confess all.

[scatterd]

Sounds like men trying to take advantage of a young drunk girl. I do not see that you cheated but maybe to close for comfort. Be careful when drinking and no friends around it could have turned to cheating.

[Space Ritual]

I went to a party with my friends last Saturday. I got very drunk. Bf couldn’t join as he had other things to do. I hadn’t been drunk in a good 5 -6 years so I had forgotten what it’s like to be drunk (I’m 20).

 

3 events happened while I was really drunk (two different guys involved)

Firstly, I was lying on the sand looking up at the sky when this guy came and laid down next to me. I had absolutely no feelings for the guy. We talked about random things. After a few mins, he put his head on my arm (I had my arms stretched out to my sides). I thought it was close but didn’t stop it. Soon he got on top of me but NOT face to face. He was sprawled on top of me at a 30 degree angle ie his face going into my left armpit. I thought this was close and that I only do this with my bf, so I decided to get up and immediately after someone throw a condom at us which was when I realized this is getting sexual and I moved away immediately.

 

Second event: Immediately after, I went to the dance floor. I danced pretty closely (face to face) with a guy. I was dancing with other people too though and the only reason It was so close was because the dance floor was packed. He put his hands on my waist and I moved away and left the dance floor.

 

Third event: *I don’t remember any of this at all, told by the guy. I was wayy too drunk by this point* I was supposedly sitting on a bench with the first guy again and we had our arms (just one arm) around each other’s shoulder. Like this:

 

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT0LuTqLrjrSw_xxpCl5UtW0aDOg7Nr_MEa9UXRfEMTRhy7znLafQ (except my arm was around his shoulder too according to him)

 

We talked like this for about 5 minutes according to him just about random things.

 

I haven’t told bf about all this. I honestly had innocent intentions. I think part of it was because i was looking to meet new friends. I am perfectly happy in the relationship. I have never had any thoughts of cheating on him or pursuing someone else romantically at all! But there were 3 different events and I feel like I should’ve stopped them earlier and I don't know why i didn't.

 

Should i tell him? Was this cheating?

 

Honesty is the best policy. Tell him EXACTLY what happened and in the same exact way you posted it here, because i guarantee you with certainty that if you don't he will eventually catch wind of it and perhaps in a different and more sordid version. At that point he will have no choice but to put your version of events under further scrutiny if you have not revealed what happened and will think you were hiding it form him on purpose. If it came to that, he'll probably dump you whether what you did was innocent or not.

 

So strike while the iron is hot and get out in front of it now before someone with an agenda tells him an exaggerated version of it. And leave no details out. And please be careful of your drinking. I understand you are young but I cannot stress enough putting yourself in positions like this is a good way to end up getting raped.

[atlantahan]

NO, boundaries a bit loose due to drink I presume, I personally would say nothing unless someone is going to tell your bf complete with pics/video maybe, or more did happen and you feel the need to confess all.

 

Only a small risk of that happening. Not sure if should tell him because it'll crack his trust in me and it'll make him think I can do worse. I plan on never drinking without my bf ever again.

 

 

Honesty is the best policy. Tell him EXACTLY what happened and in the same exact way you posted it here, because i guarantee you with certainty that if you don't he will eventually catch wind of it and perhaps in a different and more sordid version. At that point he will have no choice but to put your version of events under further scrutiny if you have not revealed what happened and will think you were hiding it form him on purpose. If it came to that, he'll probably dump you whether what you did was innocent or not.

 

So strike while the iron is hot and get out in front of it now before someone with an agenda tells him an exaggerated version of it. And leave no details out. And please be careful of your drinking. I understand you are young but I cannot stress enough putting yourself in positions like this is a good way to end up getting raped.

 

 

I get that honesty is the best policy but I know this won't happen again for sure. I will be taking utmost care in drinking from now on. Thanks for your advice. The last event is something that I can't see my bf getting over since I reciprocated to his advances and i don't even have an explanation for why I got that close with another guy. Idk. Is being drunk an excuse for it? Because I feel like it never is an excuse.

[Space Ritual]

Alcohol is a oft used but flimsy excuse.

 

Just remember that all we do here is dispense advice based on the information that a poster gives us and from our own personal experiences. Like anything, take the advice you feel you need and leave the rest. For we are not you.

 

I can only say that in the third case where you say you reciprocated the advances that an "IDK" or "It just happened" were a lot of initial excuses many of us who have been victims of cheating have received. That being said, if you feel you can't be forthcoming because you know you will get dumped then maybe you are better off breaking things off with this guy now so he won't have to deal with the fallout when it happens again.

 

Again I know you are young, and you are not the first person to come on this forum in the 6 years I've been a member to have a similar conundrum. But it's going to boil down to whether you feel you can keep it close to the vest to cover your own ass and risk him finding out from someone else or hearing it from you and maybe saving your relationship. Yes he may dump you either way, but that is the risk you are taking either way.

 

I know you have a lot to think about. But even way more important than all of this is the fact that putting yourself into situations where the chance to be sexually assaulted presents itself is an even more frightening prospect with perhaps a really bad outcome. Please be more cognizant of your surroundings when you are socializing with strangers. People do really creepy stuff when they think they can get away with it.

 

Good Luck, and please let us know how things turn out with your boyfriend.

[kendahke]

Sounds more to me like you need to stop drinking if you can't remember conversations or actions you did.

 

IMO, you let the first guy get way too close when you were lying on the sand. That set up the familiarity later on when you met back up with him. You did get away from the second guy.

 

I would say to you that you'd better hope no one took pictures and posted it on FB of you and these two where your boyfriend can find them. You may be innocent, but as the saying goes "there's no need of the fire when the smoke is sufficient". A cheeky caption on a picture of you with this guy is all it would take to plant suspicion in your boyfriend's mind.

 

Being drunk is never an excuse. It doesn't suspend you being in a relationship.

Edited April 18, 2015 by kendahke

[carhill]

Myself, I just blame it on Rio

[Satu]

Not cheating in my opinion, but one step too far...

 

Learn from the experience and take responsibility for your boundaries.

 

Be good.

[smackie9]

Myself, I just blame it on Rio

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand

Just like that river twisting through a dusty land

And when she shines she really shows you all she can

Oh Rio, Rio dance across the Rio Grande

[MiriamWebster]

Not cheating, but I agree that it was a step too far. Just use your common sense and tell your boyfriend if you think there is any way he could find out. If you were around a lot of people and don't remember anything, chances are pictures were taken and or someone will say something about it. I think your intentions were innocent.

[Phoenician]

Dear , as u already feel it is not cheating ;

I dont believe u should tell him but u should bith obe day

Set the boudaries, and be carefull next time bwcause

If u get drunk you night be again vulnerable

[Space Ritual]

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand

Just like that river twisting through a dusty land

And when she shines she really shows you all she can

Oh Rio, Rio dance across the Rio Grande

 

LOL

 

I do it for the drugs

I do it just to feel alive

I do it for the love

That I get from the bottom of a bottle

[carhill]

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand

Just like that river twisting through a dusty land

And when she shines she really shows you all she can

Oh Rio, Rio dance across the Rio Grande

Ha, ha, I was thinking more of this blast from the past. What happens in Rio stays in Rio.

[atlantahan]

Sounds more to me like you need to stop drinking if you can't remember conversations or actions you did.

 

IMO, you let the first guy get way too close when you were lying on the sand. That set up the familiarity later on when you met back up with him. You did get away from the second guy.

 

I would say to you that you'd better hope no one took pictures and posted it on FB of you and these two where your boyfriend can find them. You may be innocent, but as the saying goes "there's no need of the fire when the smoke is sufficient". A cheeky caption on a picture of you with this guy is all it would take to plant suspicion in your boyfriend's mind.

 

Being drunk is never an excuse. It doesn't suspend you being in a relationship.

 

Yes I have decided to give up drinking completely. I am 100% sure that that's something i can do easily, even if it's not easy i am prepared to do it.

 

You say that being drunk is never an excuse. Although i do agree with that somewhat i think there is a bit of grey area with it. I think if one has an intention of cheating in the first place and then acts on those desires whilst drunk then that's cheating but i never had that intention at all.

 

The fear of cheating on my bf never crossed my mind once before I started getting drunk since my intentions were perfectly platonic and to just have fun. I don't even remember what i was thinking when i put my arm around the guy since i have no recollection of it whatsoever as i was blackout drunk. The guy says "It was involuntary on your behalf and under the influence of alcohol. State of mind to do so wasn't present". So I feel like this is one time where I didn't know what was going on because i was just so drunk and just went with everything. However what's strange is that afterwards I walked off with my friend so i was capable enough of walking around.

 

Considering the above I do feel that alcohol CAN be used as an excuse in my case. What do you think?

Edited April 19, 2015 by atlantahan

[Marchhare]

Yes I have decided to give up drinking completely. I am 100% sure that that's something i can do easily, even if it's not easy i am prepared to do it.

 

You say that being drunk is never an excuse. Although i do agree with that somewhat i think there is a bit of grey area with it. I think if one has an intention of cheating in the first place and then acts on those desires whilst drunk then that's cheating but i never had that intention at all.

 

The fear of cheating on my bf never crossed my mind once before I started getting drunk since my intentions were perfectly platonic and to just have fun. I don't even remember what i was thinking when i put my arm around the guy since i have no recollection of it whatsoever as i was blackout drunk. The guy says "It was involuntary on your behalf and under the influence of alcohol. State of mind to do so wasn't present". So I feel like this is one time where I didn't know what was going on because i was just so drunk and just went with everything. However what's strange is that afterwards I walked off with my friend so i was capable enough of walking around.

 

Considering the above I do feel that alcohol CAN be used as an excuse in my case. What do you think?

 

Is being drunk an excuse for it? Because I feel like it never is an excuse.

 

OP make up your mind. Is it, or isn't it? You got it right in your earlier post, it is NOT an excuse. Obviously the alcohol lowered your inhibitions and you almost crossed the line. But remember it was your choice to get that drunk and place yourself lying in the arms of another man not once, not twice, but THREE times.

Dont sugarcoat what you did.

Glad you got out of that situation before you ended up in another mans bed, am hoping you will not find yourself there in the future and wondering WTF?.

Consider this your one pass.

Your call to tell your BF, but be warned, better from you than seeing it on social media.

[Friskyone4u]

You apparently were with a friend or more than one friend. You better hope even as a joke one of them did not post anything that your BF could see or hear. And you did not say if any of these guys knows your BF.

Like others said , the advice given here assumes you are not sugar coating this and not telling us what really happened . I would look yourself in the mirror and make sure you can look yourself in the eye and say nothing else happened .

[WomenWubber]

Was this cheating?

 

Ask your boyfriend.

[atlantahan]

UPDATE: So I decided to tell him. I initially only told him about the dancing closely with the guy since that seems the least worst. He flipped and was very upset and left the room. I decided to not tell him the rest since I didn't want to make it worse as we were in a public building and I didn't want to see him lose control of himself, which I was sure was going to happen. I wasn't planning on telling him anything more.

 

After a few hours he calmed down and asked me if there was anything more. I said no. He asked me if i'm sure and again i said no. Then he told me he contacted my friends and if there was anything more he'll know so I should just come clean if there was anything more. Yes i screwed up here, I shouldn't have done that but I didn't wanna see him flip even more. But by this i had no option but to tell him everything as he was going to find out anyway.

 

He doesn't think it's cheating but he does think it's betrayal. He's not going to break up with me but he is having trouble moving past the "3rd event" (arm around shoulder thing) as that could be read as me showing interest in another guy. I don't have a recollection of this so idk what i was thinking at the time but based on my thinking I don't think i saw it as intimate, it was a platonic thing that happens between mates.

[Marchhare]

UPDATE: So I decided to tell him. I initially only told him about the dancing closely with the guy since that seems the least worst. He flipped and was very upset and left the room. I decided to not tell him the rest since I didn't want to make it worse as we were in a public building and I didn't want to see him lose control of himself, which I was sure was going to happen. I wasn't planning on telling him anything more.

 

After a few hours he calmed down and asked me if there was anything more. I said no. He asked me if i'm sure and again i said no. Then he told me he contacted my friends and if there was anything more he'll know so I should just come clean if there was anything more. Yes i screwed up here, I shouldn't have done that but I didn't wanna see him flip even more. But by this i had no option but to tell him everything as he was going to find out anyway.

 

He doesn't think it's cheating but he does think it's betrayal. He's not going to break up with me but he is having trouble moving past the "3rd event" (arm around shoulder thing) as that could be read as me showing interest in another guy. I don't have a recollection of this so idk what i was thinking at the time but based on my thinking I don't think i saw it as intimate, it was a platonic thing that happens between mates.

 

First, major kudos for telling your BF, but also a hand slap for not being completely honest initially. Even after complete honesty, by withholding he will wonder for a while if there is more.

Examine the bolded text, if you don't have any memory of this what makes you believe it was platonic? Atlantahan, don't sugarcoat what you did. Would you have put your arm around this guy for five minutes with your BF sitting next to you? Hopefully not. The age old advice is, if it is inappropriate to do it in front of your significant other, then it is also inappropriate to do it when they are not around.

It may, or may not have been platonic. You are assuming. Don't assume. The fact is you crossed the line three times. The good news is you realize it, and have hopefully been honest to your BF with the truth. Yes he is upset, yes he is hurt. Wouldn't you be?

You had your arm around a guy, and really can't remember. You don't know if he took liberties, or if you did too. You don't know if it will be on social media.

You are hoping it was platonic in a very public setting.

I am shocked with all the cell phones out there that people are not more cautious. Getting so drunk not to remember, then finding yourself dancing on a table top on youtube a few months later, was it worth it?

I encourage you to think about this the next time you are partying.

 

Best wishes for your relationship, I am hopeful it will be okay. But be wary of his anger, not that he is abusive, but ensure you are safe.

Kudos again for telling your BF. If only others would do the same and give their SO, the choice to stay or go.

 

Be careful OP in the future.

Edited April 19, 2015 by Marchhare

[Space Ritual]

UPDATE: So I decided to tell him. I initially only told him about the dancing closely with the guy since that seems the least worst. He flipped and was very upset and left the room. I decided to not tell him the rest since I didn't want to make it worse as we were in a public building and I didn't want to see him lose control of himself, which I was sure was going to happen. I wasn't planning on telling him anything more.

 

After a few hours he calmed down and asked me if there was anything more. I said no. He asked me if i'm sure and again i said no. Then he told me he contacted my friends and if there was anything more he'll know so I should just come clean if there was anything more. Yes i screwed up here, I shouldn't have done that but I didn't wanna see him flip even more. But by this i had no option but to tell him everything as he was going to find out anyway.

 

He doesn't think it's cheating but he does think it's betrayal. He's not going to break up with me but he is having trouble moving past the "3rd event" (arm around shoulder thing) as that could be read as me showing interest in another guy. I don't have a recollection of this so idk what i was thinking at the time but based on my thinking I don't think i saw it as intimate, it was a platonic thing that happens between mates.

 

Well I for one am thankful for YOU that you did take the step to tell him. I know it was hard for you, extremely. But you took a huge step in learning something about yourself in this process. I guarantee you had you not come clean with the rest and he had to find it out from someone else the sunrise you saw today may have been radically different.

 

From here on out, the only thing I will say is please don't try to minimize your actions or justify any of it. Just own it. Of course in order to remain in the relationship you will have to rebuild trust with him, but you took a huge first step that so many others never take when something like this happens.

 

Then they are left wondering what they could have done to save the relationship....

 

In the end, the lies that pile up are exponentially worse than the event itself for many of us that were subjected to it. So I applaud your honesty and hope you can take a great lesson away from this.

 

[smackie9]

Your Bf is going to make life difficult for you because he has lost all trust in you, so be prepared to be constantly questioned....and give your friends the heads up that he will be questioning them too. He isn't done with this.

[Gary S]

That's not cheating, you did not do anything - the guys made unwanted advances toward you.

 

Don't tell your boyfriend though, no need to make him needlessly jealous.

[Diezel]

UPDATE: So I decided to tell him. I initially only told him about the dancing closely with the guy since that seems the least worst. He flipped and was very upset and left the room. I decided to not tell him the rest since I didn't want to make it worse as we were in a public building and I didn't want to see him lose control of himself, which I was sure was going to happen. I wasn't planning on telling him anything more.

 

After a few hours he calmed down and asked me if there was anything more. I said no. He asked me if i'm sure and again i said no. Then he told me he contacted my friends and if there was anything more he'll know so I should just come clean if there was anything more. Yes i screwed up here, I shouldn't have done that but I didn't wanna see him flip even more. But by this i had no option but to tell him everything as he was going to find out anyway.

 

He doesn't think it's cheating but he does think it's betrayal. He's not going to break up with me but he is having trouble moving past the "3rd event" (arm around shoulder thing) as that could be read as me showing interest in another guy. I don't have a recollection of this so idk what i was thinking at the time but based on my thinking I don't think i saw it as intimate, it was a platonic thing that happens between mates.

 

So... you decided to lie to him.

 

Quality material here.

[smackie9]

UPDATE: Yes i screwed up here, I shouldn't have done that but I didn't wanna see him flip even more. ****But by this i had no option but to tell him everything as he was going to find out anyway.

 

He's not going to break up with me but he is having trouble moving past the ****"3rd event" (arm around shoulder thing) as that could be read as me showing interest in another guy.

 

This^^^^^^ you both sped read passed this. She DID tell him everything that had happened.