Got intimate with 2 guys whilst drunk. Is this cheating

[atlantahan]

Update: So there's both good and bad news.

 

Good news: I talked to my friend that was there at the time and wasn't drunk. She tells me that I only put my arm around the guy (3rd event) because he was throwing up and I was comforting him. Nothing sexual.

 

Bad news: Friend also told me that she found me and the guy with arms around each other whilst lying on the ground/sand She said that it looked like we were comforting each other instead of it being sexual. I obviously dont remember this at all but I am concerned about it because I would've never thought I'd be that intimate with another man. I have already told this to boyfriend and he thinks that it's okay as long as I had platonic intentions and didn't let it get sexual (wwhich I didn't, as I threw away the condom and sat up when it was thrown at us). But I am troubled by it because I got that intimate with another guy even if it was platonic. What does that suggest?

 

Bf believes me for now since I rejected the two advances but he is upset/hhurt that I let it get so intimate. He is confused about how much he trusts me right now as he says sometimes he's thinking about the rejections and realizes that i had platonic intentions but at other times he thinks I let the guys get so close even though I am in a committed relationship and even put my own arms around one of them. So its all confusing.

 

Any sort of advice would be hugely appreciated.

[JS84]

You need to learn how to set boundries for yourself. Too many times on this site I see people crossing lines because "I never meant for that to happen!" as if they're somehow so much different from the droves of people who wind up saying the exact same thing when they find themselves crossing lines in relationships. Anyone is pretty much capable of anything in a relationship when put in the right situation. Acknowledging that and living by that will allow you to have respect not only for your partner and your relationship but for yourself.

 

Sounds like you already managed to establish one, no drinking unless your boyfriend is around.

 

Two, don't use alcohol as an excuse. It sounds like you have a bit of a double standard when it comes to other people engaging in inappropriate behavior when they're drunk, yet you seem to think you engaging in a manner you didn't feel was appropriate should somewhat let you off the hook because you'd been drinking.

 

Three, if you ever do something like this again and are caught. Do not trickle truth which so many people do. It usually makes the situation that much worse when it's found out they're STILL lying as you've found out yourself. Be honest from the start. Doesn't mean they're automatically going to believe you anyway, but they'll be less pissed than if they find out later that you were still lying.

[Marchhare]

You need to learn how to set boundries for yourself. Too many times on this site I see people crossing lines because "I never meant for that to happen!" as if they're somehow so much different from the droves of people who wind up saying the exact same thing when they find themselves crossing lines in relationships. Anyone is pretty much capable of anything in a relationship when put in the right situation. Acknowledging that and living by that will allow you to have respect not only for your partner and your relationship but for yourself.

 

Sounds like you already managed to establish one, no drinking unless your boyfriend is around.

 

Two, don't use alcohol as an excuse. It sounds like you have a bit of a double standard when it comes to other people engaging in inappropriate behavior when they're drunk, yet you seem to think you engaging in a manner you didn't feel was appropriate should somewhat let you off the hook because you'd been drinking.

 

Three, if you ever do something like this again and are caught. Do not trickle truth which so many people do. It usually makes the situation that much worse when it's found out they're STILL lying as you've found out yourself. Be honest from the start. Doesn't mean they're automatically going to believe you anyway, but they'll be less pissed than if they find out later that you were still lying.

 

I think this is very good advice OP.

While alcohol is never an excuse, you want to know what it meant when you found yourself in a somewhat compromising position.

When I was younger, I partied and was drunk. A girl we both knew was upset that her boyfriend dumped her. She sat down and we comforted her. Through the alcohol fog, I ended up with this girl's head on my lap, stroking her hair and telling her it was okay. She was crying, and had her hand on my thigh. My girlfriend (committed relationship) was gone. Although very drunk, I became concerned and gently got up. I found my girlfriend on the porch crying and I apologized for my lack of boundaries.

To conclude, I have been married to my girlfriend for over twenty years, and never allowed that to happen again.

 

I don't know how old you are, but that happened when I was barely 21.

I think you will be okay. Be strong, and let this be the only time.

[ManyDissapoint]

So you decided to trickle truth your boyfriend. So predictable. Honesty is the best policy.

[Morro72]

If your drinking is as described, it's the thing you need to be most concerned about, and not whether we or your boyfriend consider some of what happened to be cheating. Your relationship may or may not survive but if you keep getting drunk to the point where you can't control your behavior, recognize dangerous situations, or remember what happened afterward, your current relationship will be the least of your concerns. Ask for his understanding and help; his response will tell you a lot about whether the relationship should continue.

[Spectre]

It's not cheating, but if you aren't going to inform the guy about exactly what happened then you might as well leave him.

[d0nnivain]

OP

 

 

You didn't cheat but you have bigger problems. You put yourself in vulnerable positions. These guys are not your friends. You are lucky something really awful didn't happen.

 

 

Be careful & keep yourself safe.

 

 

Do talk to your BF about what happened. Hiding it will make it worse. Expect not to be believed.

[smackie9]

Your friends should have watched your back and interrupted what was going on.....maybe you should make a policy with your peeps that when you guys are getting drunk to make sure to keep each other close and co ck block these guys.

[davidromero43]

No, but it was stupid.

[Redhead14]

UPDATE: So I decided to tell him. I initially only told him about the dancing closely with the guy since that seems the least worst. He flipped and was very upset and left the room. I decided to not tell him the rest since I didn't want to make it worse as we were in a public building and I didn't want to see him lose control of himself, which I was sure was going to happen. I wasn't planning on telling him anything more.

 

After a few hours he calmed down and asked me if there was anything more. I said no. He asked me if i'm sure and again i said no. Then he told me he contacted my friends and if there was anything more he'll know so I should just come clean if there was anything more. Yes i screwed up here, I shouldn't have done that but I didn't wanna see him flip even more. But by this i had no option but to tell him everything as he was going to find out anyway.

 

He doesn't think it's cheating but he does think it's betrayal. He's not going to break up with me but he is having trouble moving past the "3rd event" (arm around shoulder thing) as that could be read as me showing interest in another guy. I don't have a recollection of this so idk what i was thinking at the time but based on my thinking I don't think i saw it as intimate, it was a platonic thing that happens between mates.

 

First of all, you never have a conversation like this in a public place with an SO. Secondly, if you are going to tell the truth, tell the whole truth. Telling the truth and then lying by omission, is worse than the lie.

 

What you should have done was in a calm setting, say "I understand that this is upsetting to you and I am sorry that I did that. The whole story is this . . . and I will not do that again".

 

You are making excuses for not respecting his feelings. If you care for someone enough, that will be important to you. The third thing by itself is probably harmless, but it was fuel on the fire after two bigger issues.

 

An apology or revelation of truth followed by an excuse comes as insincere and doesn't make it clear that the person is accepting responsibility or acknowledging that it was hurtful. It doesn't matter that YOU think it shouldn't bother them, it's what bothers them that matters.

[Chi townD]

Good on you for confessing to your boyfriend. Way too many witnesses and word probably would have gotten back to him. SO, you did the right thing.

 

 

Was it cheating? Ummm...technically, yes and no.

 

 

A good rule of thumb about cheating. Cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other. Then, that's cheating. So, that's a good rule to gage your actions by. If you think your in a situation like this again, just think to yourself, "How would my boyfriend react if he saw this?" If you know he would flip out, then you're crossing a line. Stop.

 

 

Now, you're not out of the woods yet. Even though you didn't technically cheat, the trust has been compromised. You're going to have to deal with that in the future. But, for now, you need to reassure your boyfriend that he's making the right choice by staying with you.

[Redhead14]

Good on you for confessing to your boyfriend. Way too many witnesses and word probably would have gotten back to him. SO, you did the right thing.

 

 

Was it cheating? Ummm...technically, yes and no.

 

 

A good rule of thumb about cheating. Cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other. Then, that's cheating. So, that's a good rule to gage your actions by. If you think your in a situation like this again, just think to yourself, "How would my boyfriend react if he saw this?" If you know he would flip out, then you're crossing a line. Stop.

 

 

Now, you're not out of the woods yet. Even though you didn't technically cheat, the trust has been compromised. You're going to have to deal with that in the future. But, for now, you need to reassure your boyfriend that he's making the right choice by staying with you.

 

If it feels like it's cheating to him, then it is cheating and she should only be worried about how it feels to him. Her confession was weakened by an attempt to diminish it and blur the lines between what is or is not cheating. It doesn't matter what the general consensus about what is or is not cheating is. It's what he thinks it is. The way she handled this is about poor conflict resolution skills.

 

Bill Clinton handled an indiscretion some years ago the same way -- "I did not have sex with that woman . . . "

 

If she's serious about making amends and helping him move past this, she owes it to him to pay attention to her actions around other men, platonic or otherwise. And, she will need to be as reassuring as possible in other aspects of her relationship as well going forward. Trust is a very difficult thing to recover.

 

And, the fact that she attempted to tell the truth and yet hide part of it, makes me worry that she does this kind of thing in other areas of the relationship, i.e. spending habits, etc. She needs to tread very lightly now.

[thecrucible]

Please just take this as a warning and work towards changing things for the better. Things got out of hand but you didn't cheat on him. You will have to work on earning back his trust though as he will no doubt wonder if there is something you're not telling him.

 

 

I ended up in a similar situation except I actually ended up cheating on my bf at the time and it was a horrible break-up and I cannot live with it. I regret it and I feel unworthy of love and full of shame and can't handle relationships at all now 4 years later because I just don't like the person I was that night.

 

 

It's not too late to work things out with him...

 

 

Try and work on your boundaries and just avoid certain environments altogether that could lead to situations like that.

[d0nnivain]

If it feels like it's cheating to him, then it is cheating and she should only be worried about how it feels to him.

 

Yes she should be sensitive to his feelings but laying on the sand next to somebody, dancing with somebody & sitting on a bench with your arm around somebody do not amount to cheating.

 

OP does need to worry about her boundaries but for heaven's sake even when drunk she knew where the lines were -- she got up. This wasn't a situation where she kissed these other guys or worse, they really took advantage of her drunken state (which she is very lucky).

 

But still just because her BF thinks this is cheating, doesn't make it so. He can conclude that's it's behavior he won't tolerate but he can't call it cheating because she did not cheat. I'm not saying her behavior was perfect but she kept her wits about her to some extent.

[atlantahan]

Yes she should be sensitive to his feelings but laying on the sand next to somebody, dancing with somebody & sitting on a bench with your arm around somebody do not amount to cheating.

 

OP does need to worry about her boundaries but for heaven's sake even when drunk she knew where the lines were -- she got up. This wasn't a situation where she kissed these other guys or worse, they really took advantage of her drunken state (which she is very lucky).

 

But still just because her BF thinks this is cheating, doesn't make it so. He can conclude that's it's behavior he won't tolerate but he can't call it cheating because she did not cheat. I'm not saying her behavior was perfect but she kept her wits about her to some extent.

 

Last update: Boyfriend talked to one of my friends (with me there too). She said she was with me pretty much the entire night (i don't remember her being there at all but i was so drunk and she has no reason to lie). She said me and the guy that i was lying on the sand with were quite touchy. Like arm around shoulder and waist the entire night pretty much but she made sure there was nothing more at all.

 

Keep in mind this is the same guy that I got up from when condoms were thrown in. But what's a bit unsettling is that our touchy feely continued even after the condoms. The guy is a bit ugly and I can't see myself being into him at all. Not one bit.

 

Although I am relieved that there was nothing sexual I still can not understand why our arms were around each other the entire time. I would never do that sober. I can only think that it was because he was being touchy feely (platonically speaking) and i just went with it but that's just me taking a guess.

 

Boyfriend doesn't like what happened. It obviously crossed a line. He's not sure if he should trust me. I know that there wasn't a single sexual thought in my head or any intent of cheating on my boyfriend but i don't know why i put my arm around him for so long. Even after the condoms. I have no intention of cheating on my boyfriend.

 

As said before, I would love to hear your advice.

 

P.S I quoted you because i wanted to see what you think of it now. Is it still not cheating?

[JohnsonBaby]

I don't think you should have told your bf . This whole situation was bad judgment on your part ,partners,especially gf a or bf s don't have to know every little thing going in your life .Now he won't trust you ever again and wouldn't be surprised if he dumped or cheated on you.

I wouldn't want to know ,the relationship would be over ,no forgiveness from me.

[atlantahan]

I do think I could've let it happen because of the attention. I am not the most secure personn. I feel like that that's the only reason I can think of. Especially since my friend said that I was putting my arm around him too. Yes that's emotional cheating. I recognize that. It truly breaks my heart that I did that and I can't believe I cheated on a man that only loved me.

[Diezel]

But what's a bit unsettling is that our touchy feely continued even after the condoms. The guy is a bit ugly and I can't see myself being into him at all. Not one bit.

 

So it's okay, because he was a bit ugly?

 

What if he wasn't? Then you would have been okay with it?

[atlantahan]

So it's okay, because he was a bit ugly?

 

What if he wasn't? Then you would have been okay with it?

 

Not at all. I'm just trying to figure out why I did it

[carhill]

Your boundaries of monogamy are not so rigid as to be unyielding to the release of inhibitions facilitated by consuming alcohol. That could be global or it could relate only to this monogamous relationship. More experience will provide more clarity on the matter.

[Chi townD]

I don't think you should have told your bf . This whole situation was bad judgment on your part ,partners,especially gf a or bf s don't have to know every little thing going in your life .Now he won't trust you ever again and wouldn't be surprised if he dumped or cheated on you.

I wouldn't want to know ,the relationship would be over ,no forgiveness from me.

 

No, she did the right thing and told her boyfriend what happened. There were too many people that witnessed her behavior. What if he found out through someone else how she behaved? It would have been far worse. He would have thought, "If she could do this in front of people, what is she doing when no one is around?"

 

 

By confessing and showing remorse, shows that she made a drunken mistake and that this isn't how she's truly like.

[d0nnivain]

Last update: P.S I quoted you because i wanted to see what you think of it now. Is it still not cheating?

 

It's still not cheating. It was never above board, moral behavior but I keep coming back to you need better control of your drinking because the next touchy feely guy who you have no memory of might not take no for an answer. You have to be safe & smart, especially if you are drinking.

 

You did these things because your inhibitions were lowered with the alcohol & the attentions of the ugly guy you were lying in the sand with were an ego boost. As a young girl I was very flirty & hand-sy when I was drinking. I learned to cut down & I also recognized the signs in myself so when I got touchy feely, I stopped drinking alcohol, started drinking soda & glued myself to a same sex BFF or got myself out of there if it was safe to do so.

 

Apologize to your BF. Make it up to him by showing him with your actions that this was an aberration but take a long hard look in the mirror to make sure you are not putting yourself in danger.

[atlantahan]

It's still not cheating. It was never above board, moral behavior but I keep coming back to you need better control of your drinking because the next touchy feely guy who you have no memory of might not take no for an answer. You have to be safe & smart, especially if you are drinking.

 

You did these things because your inhibitions were lowered with the alcohol & the attentions of the ugly guy you were lying in the sand with were an ego boost. As a young girl I was very flirty & hand-sy when I was drinking. I learned to cut down & I also recognized the signs in myself so when I got touchy feely, I stopped drinking alcohol, started drinking soda & glued myself to a same sex BFF or got myself out of there if it was safe to do so.

 

Apologize to your BF. Make it up to him by showing him with your actions that this was an aberration but take a long hard look in the mirror to make sure you are not putting yourself in danger.

 

Yes, i admit that my relationship with alcohol is unhealthy and I've decided to give up drinking completely unless i'm with my boyfriend.

 

The following is from the bf: Yes her inhibitions were lowered. I agree that she wouldd never do anything like that whilst sober but she was in that cuddly touchy feely state for 1-2 hours with another guy!! To the point where other people thought they were a couple. I admit that I can never see her doing these things again. Her guilt is definitely noticeable and that is a good sign amidst all this negativity.

 

I know that cheating is defined by the people in the relationship and not by others but I am interested in hearing why you think it's not cheating. Is it because she had no sexual/romantic intent? Well isn't that what a lot of other people that get intimate with others whilst they're drunk say? I think that even if she had no intention to be sexual with them (which i trust her completely on) she had an intention to be be intimately close to the guys for an ego boost and that's cheating in itself.

[barcode88]

OP if you were able to exercise judgment this well while being totally ****faced drunk, if I was your boyfriend I would just rather not know.

 

You didn't do anything outrageous, and didn't cross any boundaries - so NO I don't think you need to tell your boyfriend.

[Clockwork]

I went to a party with my friends last Saturday. I got very drunk. Bf couldn’t join as he had other things to do. I hadn’t been drunk in a good 5 -6 years so I had forgotten what it’s like to be drunk (I’m 20).

 

3 events happened while I was really drunk (two different guys involved)

Firstly, I was lying on the sand looking up at the sky when this guy came and laid down next to me. I had absolutely no feelings for the guy. We talked about random things. After a few mins, he put his head on my arm (I had my arms stretched out to my sides). I thought it was close but didn’t stop it. Soon he got on top of me but NOT face to face. He was sprawled on top of me at a 30 degree angle ie his face going into my left armpit. I thought this was close and that I only do this with my bf, so I decided to get up and immediately after someone throw a condom at us which was when I realized this is getting sexual and I moved away immediately.

 

Second event: Immediately after, I went to the dance floor. I danced pretty closely (face to face) with a guy. I was dancing with other people too though and the only reason It was so close was because the dance floor was packed. He put his hands on my waist and I moved away and left the dance floor.

 

Third event: *I don’t remember any of this at all, told by the guy. I was wayy too drunk by this point* I was supposedly sitting on a bench with the first guy again and we had our arms (just one arm) around each other’s shoulder.

 

We talked like this for about 5 minutes according to him just about random things.

 

I haven’t told bf about all this. I honestly had innocent intentions. I think part of it was because i was looking to meet new friends. I am perfectly happy in the relationship. I have never had any thoughts of cheating on him or pursuing someone else romantically at all! But there were 3 different events and I feel like I should’ve stopped them earlier and I don't know why i didn't.

 

Should i tell him? Was this cheating?

 

Yes you were completely in the wrong. Imagine your boyfriend walked in at specific times, what do you think he'd think?

 

 

Plus, you are 20 and you haven't been drunk in 5-6 years? This was a regular occurrence for you when you were 14?