In an LDR and getting mixed signals.

[FarAndAway]

Hello,

 

I have been in a long distance relationship since August of last year. We met at our place of work just before he took another job offer across thr country. We never had a chance to form a relationship while we were in the same place. We had maybe a month together before he left.

 

Like the beginning of any relationship we talked all the time on the phone, text messaged etc.... He has spent thousands of dollars flying me back and forth across the country (he makes more money than I do), amazing trips to Las Vegas....you name it.

 

We have always talked of me moving to where he lives. I have been wishy washy about this because I want to make sure this relationship is worth me giving up a good job and leaving friends behind as well as the city I love. The thing is, he doesn't seem to take it very seriously when we talk about it. First of all, getting him to express an emotion towards me is like cracking a walnut with your toes. Forget it... it ain't happening. I think he is just "one" of those guys that doesn't get sappy. He is 30 years old and hasn't had very many relationships much less a serious one. He has told me I am his most serious to date. He is very "cerebral" and hard driving in his life. He is somewhat of a perfectionist (so am i) and not a woman chaser... hence his lack of relationships. But when we talk about my moving to his part of the country the conversation goes like this.

 

(me) "I worry about some things regarding moving in with you"

 

(him) "Like what?"

 

(me) I worry that I will get there and you will think "oh great, maybe this is not what I want"

 

(him) Honey, that will not happen

 

(me) What if 6 months into it we don't work out?

 

(him) Well, then we talk about it and figure out what you want to do. You can either stay here (someplace else) or go back home.

 

It's just the way he says it... so matter of factly. Maybe it's easy for him to run around the country but I don't think he understands how its a serious issue for me. He says I can take a break and paint awhile while i look for work.

 

Another issue, lately is he has seemed more distant. He has decided to go to graduate school so he has thrown himself into studying for the GRE endlessly. He is ALWAYS studying and says he is happy now that he has "focus" in life. Ok, but why do I feel like that has replaced me?? Can't they be two seperate things? He has had a deadline at work to do which has also reduced the amount of time that we talk on instant messenger during the day at work.

 

He was going on and on about what schools he wants to go to..and the future..so I asked "where do I fit in this"? he said "ummm what do you mean? What?!? Kids or marriage??" I said "no silly, do you see me in any of this?" "Do you see me being with you?" and he said "yeah I do". That was it.. no elaboration and the "yeah I do was not too enthusiastic"

 

There were times I thought maybe he wanted to end it with me but didn't have the guts to do it so I have given him 3 seperate oppotunities to break up and he didnt take any of them.

 

A few times he has been very defensive about our future... he makes me feel like I am pushing him. I will TRY to get some feeling or thought from him and and when I bring up the future he says things defensivly like "what, you mean being with you for the rest of my life?" "I don't know, why can't we just BE". I don't think I have EVER mentioned being together for the rest of our lives or marriage...kids... but he seems pretty freaked and he has NEVER said the words "I love you" ONCE. He has even laughed and said "you are just waiting for me to say those words aren't you"???

 

Is this typical insecurity of a LDR?? Is he a commitment phobe??? Why can't I get him to express ONE ioda of feelings for me??? If I am lucky Ill get a "gee you look pretty tonight". I can remember all the "sappy" moments from this guy on one hand. Any ideas??? Is he just scared????

[GladCastro]

Best guess, he's using you. Probably two or three factors comprise his motive, the most obvious of which is sex. He wouldn't mind having you a little closer because he'd like a little more of it.

 

He dangles the prospect of commitment before you as a manipulative tool and a power play. Maybe he's reached a point at his age where the primal instinct for companionship is not so easy to ignore, if it ever was for him in the first place.

 

It may not be simply that he's got nothing better to do, but more so that he thinks he can't do any better right now. Perhaps never has. Chances are, if he met you in a work place situation, it was not a classic pick up with timing, charm and charisma. I'd bet if you take a retrospective on his initial approach and introduction, it was hardly suave. Sure, he may have a coy little sense of humor or some brand of wile, but I'd bet you it takes a little "getting to know you" time.

 

He hides behind the cerebral gig as an unassailable excuse for being preoccupied, he doesn't even have to defend it. He uses the stratospheric goals in his super studious ways as a means of adding to the aloof air which he's taken care to establish in the sea saw of your relationship.

 

I believe that in the ole' barn yard of evolutionary development regarding things Cupid, there is a morbidly giddy elation in knowing you've broken someone just for the sake of doing it. It fortifies the ego, primes the instincts for the next kill, always more exotic and elusive. These harsh and cold games of the jungle, so to speak, are the how, the means in natural selection by which the good gene pool is transmitted.

 

I'm certainly no doctor of anything but mistakes, sadness and blind perseverance, but I'd say it's a bad vibe situation and you should move on.

[LoveNoLoss]

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[StacyRose]

One thing I've learned is men speak in actions. So, don't worry if he doesn't verbally express much emotion.

I would 100% suggest you do NOT move there until there is an engagement. This advice is professional and was given to me by a real relationship specialist as I had the same dilemma. But, now I know better. I've been with my b/f long distance for 3 years and I am expecting him to propose in a few months.. or else I'll hint it and if he doesn't I will end it. It's absurd to throw your life away and move for a man who can't even show you that he's serious. I wouldn't force it upon him as he seems busy with his studies and work.. so just say lightly "well I can't move there anytime soon.. I'll let you focus on your own thing and once you're ready, I'd like to start things the proper way (hint marriage) because I'm an old fashionned girl like that" If he doesn't feel pressured and if he really does love you he'll leave it at that and at least think about it.. and who knows.. but don't move there without being engaged..

not ONLY will you be sacrificing way too much for little in return.. but moving there w/o being engaged/married tells him you don't really need to get married and it could delay things even more or.. he could just get bored of how desperate you are and dump you. It's all true, good luck.

[RecordProducer]

I completely understand your position. If he was making promises to be with you forever, gave you an engagement ring and everything, although you can always break off the engagement, it would be HIS fault one day if he pulled your nose.

So he is reserved and doesn't even want to admit that he loves you cuz he wants it to be your decision. You should take the risk and he loses nothing. That's not fair. You have 3 options total:

1. Continue the LDR

2. Move in with him

3. Give him the ultimatum, either marriage or nothing.

 

1. You shouldn't push him about the M word. He obvioulsy understands it himself quite well. You can simply continue with the LDR. Don't be so available for him. Go out with friends. Don't have much time for him. Make him worry and miss you. He will ask you to move in with him, but let him know that you're reluctant to leave everything (skip the "without any guarantees that we will be together forever" part!). Play his game! When he realizes that he terribly misses you, he will propose to you.

2. If you move in with him, it also can lead to marriage. If you have good opportunities for work in his city, it will be a great way to get to know him better prior to marriage.

3. However if you're willing to take the risk of the ultimatum, you might try that as well. But you should be prepared to do NC if he doesn't accept the ultimatum. The purpose of it should be that he at leasts runs after you and tells you he loves you and that he sees the two of you in the future, but you need more time to get to know each other and live together.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by GladCastro

I'm certainly no doctor of anything but mistakes, sadness and blind perseverance.

 

You definitely are! A negative person like you shouldn't give advise. Her question was what to do about getting the relationship to a higher level. Obviously things are not bad. And you analyze his personality and come up with a conclusion that he is a complete disaster. You don't even know this person and she barely described him. You can't solve every problem in your life by running away and moving on. She doesn't even have a problem, it's just a dilemma. The guy wants to live with her, he is just reluctant to make a commitment this soon and she is also reluctant to leave everything for him this soon.

P.S. Say NO to drugs!!!

[GladCastro]

We had maybe a month together before he left.

he doesn't seem to take it very seriously when we talk about it.

 

Another issue, lately is he has seemed more distant.

 

getting him to express an emotion towards me is like cracking a walnut with your toes

 

He has even laughed and said "you are just waiting for me to say those words aren't you"???

 

Uh. What was the question?

Obviously things are not bad

 

Oh, righto. I was just negative, gusting up to defeatist. Thanks for the clarity you've brought. Say, hey Records, what's your take on the Coke vs. Pepsi debate? I prefer the real thing, me myself personally.

 

P.S. Say NO to drugs!!!

[SoleMate]

I see two possibilities here:

 

1) This is a shallow r/s that never really got a foundation or got cemented. They had very little time together, filling up their accounts in each other's Love Banks. (Google it.)

 

OR

 

2) This couple is not very good at communicating.

 

Either could be the reality, but I tend to guess more at #2. Yes, the man in the r/s is a male, and he will not tend to easily show affection verbally. Some can, but many/most can't. The more you "try to get thoughts or feelings from him", the more pressured he feels. If it is essential to you that the man in your life be verbally affectionate, HE IS NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE, at least now. He could LEARN to be more verbal, IF he wanted to, but it's a slow process.

 

Most of us want to feel that love from our partner, so the trick is...learn to understand the language he is speaking, DON'T force him to communicate in your language. (Maybe gently persuade him to pick up some of your lingo.) A man will more typically show love with his actions, and IMO, actions are more meaningful since they are a lot harder to fake. Lots of players have learned to say "I Luuvvv ya babe" and look really sincere.

 

As a practical matter, moving to his city just based on vague intentions is REALLY SCARY, unless you actually like that city and feel you have good career prospects, etc. You'll be leaving all your friends behind - have to make new ones or be quite lonely and dependent on him. Could he be the one to move? I would try having that convo just to see how he reacts.

 

About graduate school and the GRE...on a positive note, this sounds like a responsible man who is planning to provide for himself and perhaps a wife someday. On the other hand, in what I consider a SERIOUS r/s, this decision would have been talked about and agreed on together. Why? Because it is a life decision, and a committed couple knows (or should know) that they need to make decisions together to meet both people's needs.

 

Please, buy some books by Aaron Beck, John Gottman, or Willard Harley, and read them. R/s basics, cognitive therapy, etc. Don't let silly problems break apart something that could be good.