Toni_no12002 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Hi thankyou. I know i have insecurities but i am going to see a counsellor to change them.But this is a big deal because i am changing myself.Im making a decision to change for my boyfriend and for me because im sick of getting so upset about it.I would never tell him to stop doing anything but he already has stopped.But im scared if i do get counselling and he goes back to doing it again all my insecurities will come back.Then what do i do? Anyway theres so many people telling me that i should change my views about it but then there saying that i shouldnt ask my boyfriend to change his.So why do i have to? If porn doesnt mean anything to blokes then why such the hassle when a woman wants them to stop?whats more important a women you dont know or the one you are in a relationship with? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 But im scared if i do get counselling and he goes back to doing it again all my insecurities will come back. That suggests to me that you are going to counseling for him and not for yourself. You will definitely not want to hinge your self-improvement on what someone else does or does not do. There is a very good chance your b/f will go back to the porn - but... if you have a solid foundation of self-confidence and self-worth your boundaries will be firm enough to let him know that you are not going to tolerate this, and you will mean it and he will see for sure that if he intends to keep you in his life he will have to do some reprioritizing in order to find better compromises for your relationship. Going to a counselor isn't about 'learning to accept porn' - its about learning to accept who you are and find the true strength and conviction to firmly stand up for what works for you - and eliminate those things that don't work for you. Up until now, its a vicious cycle - your very fear of losing him is what allows him to keep pushing your boundaries, and worse yet - what causes you to continue letting him do it. He knows that it hurts you. He knows that what he is doing is wrong for your relationship, but until he sees real consequences he won't change. The only consequence he has now is that you go through periods of hurt and pain - but you stay with him when it happens, so ultimately there aren't consequences that will threaten the relationship in general. Until he has some very real reasons for changing: ie - he will surely lose you if he isn't willing to make those changes, he simply won't make them. This isn't about finding the strength to break up with him. Its about finding the strength to show him that there are going to be very real consequences for his inability to find a compromise that works for you both: and that is the threat of you being strong enough to walk away from a relationship that isn't working for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I am doing it for me aswell.Not just for him because i need to get over things in my past aswell.But i want to do it for my boyfriend also because i think he sick of me being so down on myself all the time.I dont believe a word he sayd though because of him looking at porn and then he kept aying that he didnt even like the women!Why did he take pictures on his phone of the women then!over 200 of em.You dont keep things you dont like like that! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I dont believe a word he sayd though because of him looking at porn and then he kept aying that he didnt even like the women!Why did he take pictures on his phone of the women then!over 200 of em.You dont keep things you dont like like that! There is no way he is going to actually tell you that he likes looking at them, especially when he knows how you feel about it. He will, however lie about it to tell you what he thinks you want to hear so that it can keep being a matter of "slipping up" and not "making a conscious choice to do it". With it being a matter of "slipping up" he looks like less of a jerk, and he knows that "slipping up" is a lot more forgiveable for you than "I do it because I want to". As long as you let your boundaries be weak enough to keep allowing him to "slip up" he will continue to do so. It is good that you are going in for counseling to strengthen your confidence. That will definitely help you be better able to stand up for yourself and set some serious consequences for his behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Thanks. Ive realised that he does actually like looking and he knows that i know he does.so i dont get why he wont just say yea i do.The thing is i dont get how you can by accident look lol like hes says!im not bloody stupid.His fingers didnt just search for porn or naked women on there own lol. Men really! Link to post Share on other sites
amber245 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Does he look at it on the net Toni? Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 He did every day but now its only occasional and his excuse is..i didnt realise what it was and i was bored! Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Sigh. I agree with Adunaphel. People can say it's a 'guy thing' and doesn't affect his relationship with whoever he is, but it does. Girls who care, usually feel very uninspired to turn their partners on, don't feel special when trying to look pretty for him every day, etc...it just has a negative affect no matter what you say to somebody who has issues with it, it won't change the way they feel. Link to post Share on other sites
myepinion Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 I agree with many of the points made by both sides of the argument. Ultimately, I believe it is up to each individual to decide what he/she wants in his/her relationship. For the women out there who do not want a man who watches porn (at least a little), good luck finding a man - they are out there, but they're not terribly common. Fortunately, many men will hide their past interest in porn (deny it) and abstain (at least as far as his significant other knows) from it during the relationship. I see a lot of women here passing judgements on men, though, and that just bothers me. These women *clearly* do not understand some fundamental things about men that I, as a man, and all the other men posting here, do. Ladies, pick your men as you wish - set your boundaries as you wish ... and even judge as you wish, no one will stop you (though you'll get flamed, of course ... but you'll get flamed on an online forum for just about any opinion, so don't let that stop you), but if you are in a relationship with a man who masterbates, and you want that relationship to work out, either: A) Ask your man to stop masterbating (to porn, I mean ... though if he uses his imagination, how do you know he isn't fantasizing about other women? He probably is, and men will almost never admit it, out of courtesy), and if he does it, you keep him, if he doesn't, drop him. B) Recognise that for men, masterbation (and sexual pleasure in general .. note I say sexual pleasure, not *sex*) is not about love, or emotions, or any of that stuff that makes a relationship tick. It is purely (in my experience, and from what I have read here in the experiences of most of the men posting) about physical pleasure, and trust me ladies, for a man that physical pleasure is different from the pleasure of a good stretch when your joints are stiff, or a scratch when you itch, or a shower when you feel dirty ... *only in terms of the magnitude* When I masterbate (when my woman is on her period), it is no different than eating a piece of cake. Why not have the cake without the porn, you ask? Well, if you asked that you just demonstrated your fundamental lack of understanding of *most* men. I personally have only masterbated without pornography a few times in my entire 24 years of life, and each time I did, I imagined a woman. Frankly, I can't masterbate well, without those images to aid me. That's just how I am. Maybe if society were different, if porn did not exist, I would have learned to do it without that, but at some point, you just can't change something so fundamental about yourself. Well, I could go on and on, and point out the many, many flawed arguments I went through here, but there's only one thing I really think needs to be said again: When men masterbate, it is physical, not emotional. In our minds (I guess I can't speak for all men, but I'll pretend that I can), we are just scratching an itch. Now, keep in mind that I am writing all of this with my own situation in mind - some women may be in relationships where the man they are with would rather masterbate than have sex with them, and maybe that means their men aren't attracted to them ... that's a different beast. Blame porn if you want, it doesn't matter. Oh, and I'm not defending pornography ... at least, not all of it. Much of it is very derogatory toward women, and I don't like that one bit. When my lady is on her period, I use images of women being pleased to please myself, not images of women being brutally sodomized, little baby girls being raped, or what have you. That's my 2 cents. I hope it clarifies the issue for someone, at least, but honestly I suspect the gap is too wide for some minds to cross, and most women who have a problem with their man masterbating will continue to blame the porn (which is almost certainly a problem at times), instead of an unhealthy relationship, or a failure on their own part to understand basic differences between the sexes. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 It does have a negative affect but im unsure what to do about it i mean what is the right thing to do?I agree with people who say i shouldnt make him stop doing it but on the other hand i shouldnt stop my feelings either should i? Its like trying to change my mind about liking x-files lol ill always like it no matter what.If that makes sense. Maybe when ive had counselling i wont be as bothered but i still wont like it. life is bloody complicated!!!grrrrr Link to post Share on other sites
myepinion Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Counseling? I hope it's not over this issue! Sounds like you should just dump the fellow ... if your boyfriend masterbates to porn, and you can't deal with that fact, and he doens't want to give it up for you ... dump him. He's not wrong, you're not wrong .. you're just incompatible. My girlfriend doesn't like me looking at porn. In my mind, it's silly - she shouldn't be threatened, these are just pixels on a screen, images I use to focus and they're really not necessary, if only she'd let me film her to make my own porn. Yet she feels threatened, and because I love her I'm going to severely curtail my habits (difficult though it is ... she doesn't put out on her period, and I get very horny). Of course, the consequence of this is that I won't have as much stamina the first two times we make love, after her period, and since she only cums to penetration she'll end up losing a little because of this. Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 Toni, I haven't read all you've written in this thread so I'm sorry if I'm getting the wrong picture but- All you have to do is tell him how you feel about it. You don't have to ask him to stop, just make him know you're upset. Which is sort of what I did. He stopped because he knew I didn't like and not because I told him what to do and what not to- I didn't, since it's not my right. But I do appreciate his choice. Ask him how he would feel if you were into looking at male porn. If he sees no problem with that, then I suggest you shouldn't worry much about him and porn since he obviously thinks it's really meaningless as far your relationship is concerned, meaning he doesn't take it as seriously as you do. However, if he does see a problem with that, then you should know how to tell him that it isn't really fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 I think its become deeper than that really now thats why im going to counselling.I getting upset even if he doesnt look because im thinking of when he did etc.I think counselling best.I can sort myself out once and for all! Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 I getting upset even if he doesnt look because im thinking of when he did etc. I've been through that too. It's been over half a year since he stopped and thoughts still come and make me feel uneasy. You get over it gradually, counselling might help, but it's not the step I've taken. Whatever problems you have, hearing people on message boards saying you're right and what he does is wrong will only fuel your emotions. And people who say the opposite won't affect you at all. So it's a losing situation. The best kind of talk you could have is not with a third person, but with your boyfriend himself. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 Thanks ive tried that and he gets upset because i end up getting upset and it doesnt work out very well lol. I think it all boils down to alot of other things also.Its been a while since hes done stuff like that but i still bring it up.I know thats my fault but its just eating me away.Thats why i figured something was up because i always brought it up etc.Im upsetting my boyfriend in the process.It might be better for us both if i get counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
missmolly Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 Some women feel that porn is a "sin" and they are against it in general. Others feel that men use it in place of a relationship with them. I had a boyfriend once that woundn't have sex with me, but had a very large collection. I also had a boyfriend that threw it out because he didn't want to make anyone jealous. I think that some women are against it because they feel that the man they are with is using it in place of them. I don't feel that way now, but for someone who is being rejected for porn, it is VERY hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 I dont think men and women will totally agree with each others views.I know men think differently about it but i think they should have consideration for there partner.I think in a way you have a choice carry on using it and hurt you partner.Or stop watching it.I think men choose to carry on watching it because they dont see it as a problem. I think im sort of understanding it a little more in a way but it still hurts lol Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 Good to hear you are going to counseling. Remember - the counseling isn't about 'learning to deal with porn' - its about 'setting stronger boundaries in your relationship'. I just thought of something, too - do you think that part of what is getting you down might be related to postpartum depression? I read in another post you have a baby less than a year old. I'm not suggesting that your problems over this are stemming from that - but it might be contributing to how bad you are feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 Hi, ive felt like this even before having my baby so i know that it isnt to do with him.I know that counselling what help me deal with porn maybe ill never like porn but at least it might stop me from being as upset as i am about things.I just hope it works! Link to post Share on other sites
*star* Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 Again i'm another one who hasn't read all the posts (over 14 pages!!) but have you tried watching a porn yourself on your own? Do you masturbate? I know these are personal questions and dont answer them on here but some people who have a particular mindset on sex/porn/sex acts well it relates to them. I hope counselling works out for you as there are obviously deeper problems within yourself (bf aside!). Try and find the sexual side to yourself and boost yourself esteem. Good luck babes xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 Everyone masturbates.But why do they need to looking at someone else?other women i mean.Doesnt that say theres something wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Ijustdontknow Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 makes no sense to me either, unless your looking at porn instead of being in bed with "her" Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 I dont think ill ever understand! Link to post Share on other sites
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