Jayhawks Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 Okay, somebody please explain this for me. Thank you! Oh! And.. what about addiction to LS? She means, RP, that you are taking away from your own relationship when you indulge in romance novels, movies. A fantasy is always going to be better than reality because it requires no work. Reality will never measure up. You need to think about your man/women and not a fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 She means, RP, that you are taking away from your own relationship when you indulge in romance novels, movies. A fantasy is always going to be better than reality because it requires no work. Reality will never measure up. You need to think about your man/women and not a fantasy. That means no TV and no books either! Wow! Just tell the guys about this on your first date so that they don't waste anymore time with you. Just kidding, of course. But indeed if a guy asked me not to watch romantic movies and read books, i would run for the hills. Same if he told me that I am not allowed to watch porn. You girls better learn to make compromises in your life or your demnads will cost you a lot. You will end up either with a smooth pretender or with a religious fanatic who will never look at another woman's picture (even if she is all dressed). Is that what you want? Be careful what you wish! Link to post Share on other sites
Tiggerlove Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 My boyfriend has a huge collection of porn videos and it doesn't bother me one bit. We often watch them together. There are times, I'm just not in the mood, so he'll pop a dvd in...and go at it. Doesn't bother me one bit. Its all fantasy, not real. Now if they were video's of people he knew, or if he blatently told me he fantasizes about women he knows, thats when I'd have a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
SixthSt.Girl Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 "I find that it is disrespectful (yes, I know how so many loveshackers hate this word) to look at porn (or to read romance novels, or to develop an addiction to romance movies, or to collect stuff about an actor/actress/singer of the opposite sex that you find attractive) when you are in a relationship." Wow, uh, what year is this again (?!). Guess I should trash all my Harrison Ford movies right now! I don't like romance novels, so I'm safe there. What about soaps? The hot guys on "All My Children" have nothing to do with why I watch it. It's the deep, meaningful storylines, I swear! Link to post Share on other sites
JPMorgan Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 What about soaps? The hot guys on "All My Children" have nothing to do with why I watch it. It's the deep, meaningful storylines, I swear! I've heard Soaps described as "porn for women"! Where men seem to gravitate to visual images for stimulation; women tend to gravitate to romance stories and relationships for emotional stimulation. I've read a couple of romance novels that were loaned to me. I didn't care for them. I can see some people's point though about always reading them -- it could make one seek out those same feelings in their own relationship and when they are not found it could detract from the honest love shared by two people. Man - looks at big-breasted women all day in porn magazines and gets turned on. Makes love to his small-breasted wife. Pretends her breasts are bigger since that is what turned him on in the first place. He doesn't say anything though because he loves her and is enjoying himself. Woman - reads romance novels all day. Reads about women being pursued, being loved emotionally, pampered, sweet-talked, and then seduced. After about six hours of this emotional foreplay she is turned on. Makes love to her husband. He doesn't pursue, foreplay takes 15 minutes if she's lucky. The sex is good because he's her husband and she loves him, but he doesn't stir up the feelings that the novel did. Link to post Share on other sites
SixthSt.Girl Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 "I've heard Soaps described as "porn for women"!" Cool, I heart porn. Seriously, the main reason I watch soaps is to unwind. It's mindless entertainment. You can watch and talk on the phone or cook at the same time, and not miss much. I also watch to see the fashion trends. I definitely wouldn't equate it to porn - there seems to be less romance than traditional soaps had. They're trying to get creative and have more action plots - I've heard that more men are watching soaps. My ex-bf sometimes watched with me, and pretended not to oogle the hot women. I don't think many people substitute hours of soaps or porn for real love and sex. I don't, anyway. For one, who has time to watch hours of soaps and porn? I can't get through an hour of my soap w/o people calling or something always gets in the way. That's life... I think people use the excuse of porn or soaps to cover up the real problems in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 You girls better learn to make compromises in your life or your demnads will cost you a lot. You will end up either with a smooth pretender or with a religious fanatic who will never look at another woman's picture (even if she is all dressed). Is that what you want? Be careful what you wish! This sounds like you're advising women to accept whatever is available whether it's suited to them or not. Nothing wrong with that I guess if you're terrified of being alone. But I've become a little more picky than that. And I have met plenty of guys who don't watch porn and are NOT just pretending or lying. They aren't religious fanatics who won't even look at a woman either... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 This sounds like you're advising women to accept whatever is available whether it's suited to them or not. Nothing wrong with that I guess if you're terrified of being alone. But I've become a little more picky than that. And I have met plenty of guys who don't watch porn and are NOT just pretending or lying. They aren't religious fanatics who won't even look at a woman either... I agree with you that you should be picky. Do you disagree with me that people should make compromises in life and marriage? Does that mean that my BF should dump me bacause I like porn, romantic movies, and books? Wouldn't it be ridiculous? Isn't it ridiculous to demand from your partner to be exactly how you imagined them in your mind? He or she will have faults and do things you don't like sometimes. Perfection doesn't exist. I already wrote two posts ago why I think people watch porn; because something is missing in their relationship. Watching porn is not a sin. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it's bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 even though i dont like porn personally i read something which is to do with the bible(even though im not religious in any way!) it says "if a person looks upon another lustfully you are cheating in your heart and in your mind".there are countless things in the bible saying about things like this.so in the eyes of the bible its a sin lol not that i believe that bible rubbish anyway but i believe that saying to be true .well thats just me Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 "if a person looks upon another lustfully you are cheating in your heart and in your mind". Watching porn is not really lust for another person. Our senses react when stimulated sexually regardless of whether it's vision, touch, or memory or fantasy. We are humans and are able to distinguish desire and lust from physical or visual stimulation. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 Does that mean that my BF should dump me bacause I like porn, romantic movies, and books? Wouldn't it be ridiculous? Yeah, it would. But the more ridiculous thing would be him getting involved with you in the first place because he decided he'd just have to accept the fact that you liked porn, because "it's not that big of a deal" and he wouldn't be able to find a decent girl who didn't anyway. Then later as the relationship progressed, realizing he couldn't live with that and demanding you give it up once it started to eat at his self esteem/self worth/etc (which is the way many women feel when their partner is really into porn). Isn't it ridiculous to demand from your partner to be exactly how you imagined them in your mind? He or she will have faults and do things you don't like sometimes. Perfection doesn't exist. No, it doesn't. But if porn is a big issue for someone, it's kind of silly to advise them to ignore that particular issue and settle for someone that falls well short of what they're looking for just because they'll supposedly end up with someone who's a fake or a religious fanatic if they don't. The only thing that's going to do is create resentment when the disapproving partner eventually realizes that she can't live with the porn. I already wrote two posts ago why I think people watch porn; because something is missing in their relationship. Watching porn is not a sin. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it's bad. And I wrote 2 posts ago that I don't want to date a guy who's into porn because I don't find it appealing and I find it a turn off to know that a guy is turned on by it. I never said anything about it being a 'sin' or being 'bad' because I don't like it. I don't think I've ever referred to anything as a 'sin', 'evil', or whatever, only that porn has no place in a relationship. There are some guys who will watch porn in their relationship whether it's good or bad from the second the relationship begins until it ends. I agree that it can be a symptom of relationship problems, but that's not always the case. But a good way to ensure that that problem doesn't come up if you have a major dislike for porn is to find a guy/girl who isn't into porn in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted September 30, 2005 Share Posted September 30, 2005 Hi im not being nasty but i myself think porn is well not right as your watching some other people having sex.Its kinda pervy i think.Thats just me im not slagging anyone off thats just my views.But i think that porn is wrong because people nowadays take sex for granted.It was never meant for more than two people.Porn just shows people that sex is just sex when its supposed to be about two people in love.The people in porn dont love each other there doing it for money!I dont think its right.Im not religious in anyway but i do think sex is supposed to be for people in love but people just do it now for the hell of it! Yes i am insecure but im getting help about it and that was really a big deal for me.I dont think i will ever like porn.If my boyfriend wants to do i then he can be with someone else and do it.It sounds really nasty but why should i have to put up with something that hurts me so much?People often tell me to just deal with it and let him do it.Why cant i tell him to just deal with the fact i dont like it and that he shouldnt do it?But it seems that people who like porn are the ones telling me to get over it.It other threads that is.But why should i put up with it?its hurting me!If someone was beating me up would they tell me to get over it? i dont think so. Sorry i get mad about it ! If someone likes porn and the other doesnt what do you think they should do?I mean yes people shouldnt give up something they like but on th other hand why should somone put up with something they dont like!Men are always saying porn doesnt mean anything to them so why cant they stop??? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted September 30, 2005 Share Posted September 30, 2005 If someone likes porn and the other doesnt what do you think they should do? I'm not a fan of porn either, but provided it's not the truly sick stuff and isn't left lying around to spoil any innocent Disney moments the day might bring, it's not something I'd kick up a fuss over. I would object to it if I had children and they were being exposed to the use of it. If people want to watch porn, masturbate to it or incorporate it into their sex lives then that's their business, but a little discretion in these matters doesn't go amiss. Strange that the mainstreaming of porn came on the back (if you'll excuse the pun) of arguments relating to freedom of expression and freedom of choice. It would seem reasonable to assume that those same rights would apply to people who don't particularly like or want to view porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted September 30, 2005 Share Posted September 30, 2005 I dont care if other people in other relationships view it thats up to them i suppose but i dont want to know about it.I just dont like watching other people have sex.Thats what it is and its supposed to be private .The thing is porn is everywhere now.In mild forms anyway in films etc why does anyone want to see them having sex when your trying to watch the film?Its like they dont show people going to the toilet.I doubt anyone wants to see that because its private.So should sex be. It just makes women insecure about how they look and think they should be as skinny as the women on the tv.I mean why dont some of these hollywood actresses eat something for gods sake!The only thing they gain from it is that they look like a skeleton I mean why would anyone want to look like that?Yea you can fit into kiddies clothes but who would want to cuddle them or have sex with them when there bones stick into you.I think ill carry on eating thanks In a way maybe porn could be useful and if people are watching it in a couple to get a thrill doesnt that show that theres something wrong in the first place.I mean there watching other people having sex so they can get turned on to have sex with there partners.Why cant anyone see what im saying? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 It just makes women insecure about how they look and think they should be as skinny as the women on the tv. Nothing 'makes' anybody insecure. You can control what you tell yourself about yourself. You can either say to yourself 'I'm not as (insert compliment here) as the woman on the screen' or you can say to yourself 'I may not be X but my man comes home to me and makes love to me so take that (insert name of woman on the screen)'. You can change what you tell yourself. You can change what you think. And, in the process, you can live a MUCH happier life. But you have to make an effort to do it. Or you can sit and whine about how the whole world done ya wrong and make yourself unattractive by being miserable and whiny. If you want to fix your brain, look up phrases like 'negative self-talk' and then read up on how to change it. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Hi ive told myself plenty of times that im pretty it doesnt work.Changing your feelings about something isnt as easy to change as flicking a light switch.I cant turn around and say i wont be bothered that my boyfriends looking at porn and say it over and over because deep down i dont like it.It isnt that easy.Could you change your love of football or whatever if you told yourself time and time again you didnt like it?No because deep down you do like it and it isnt that easy to change the way you feel. Do you understabd what im saying? If i could of change the way i feel about myself now i wouldnt be going to counselling now would i? I wasnt being nasty by the way just trying to help you see it from my point of view! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Could you change your love of football or whatever if you told yourself time and time again you didnt like it?No because deep down you do like it and it isnt that easy to change the way you feel. You're changing the discussion. It's not an issue of you liking porn. You don't have to like it. But just because you don't like it doesn't mean you have a right to impose your dislike on anyone else. Nobody's forcing you to watch it. If your bf hated cooking shows and you liked them, would it be fair for him to forbid you to watch them because he didn't like them? Hi ive told myself plenty of times that im pretty it doesnt work It doesn't work because you don't or won't believe it. And whether of not you're 'pretty' doesn't matter. Attractive is what matters and you need to understand that what makes people attractive is not 'being pretty'. You also need to understand that 'pretty' is subjective. Some people fall madly in love with people that others wouldn't touch with a stick. It's good you're in counselling for your self-esteem. Now what you need to do is stop thinking you're entitled to tell someone else what he can or cannot like. Again, I'm not saying you need to like porn - just that you stop deciding you have a right to tell others, especially your bf, what they are allowed to like or watch. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Hey hold on i never said my opinion was right .I have every right to say my opinion as do you. What i was trying to say was that on numerous occasions people have told me men will do it.Does that mean i have to put up with it though?I mean it really does hurt me if my boyfriend does it. Maybe i am getting the wrong end of the stick about peoples looks etc but it seems that men are the ones looking at porn so arent they looking for what they find pretty to look at etc I have NEVER told my boyfriend not to do something. Maybe i have put myself all wrong i dont want to get in an arguement with anyone about it im not like that But i see cooking shows totally different to porn.They are you dont look at cooking shows to get off where as when you look at porn thats what you want to do.I think thats what hurts me the fact that men have to keep looking at other women when they have a girlfriend. Im not telling you what to think but i just wish people would see it from where im standing.Maybe then i wont feel such an idiot for getting so upset about it.Can you understand why i get upset? Men always say that it has nothing to do with there girlfriends.Then why do they want to find other women to look at why not take one of there girlfriends. Everyone has problems and this is mine i cant tell myself to stop doing it because i have already tried trust me!I do have my reasons to be insecure though.Yes i know there only pictures (well moving pictures) but i just dont like the idea of my boyfriend getting off looking at someone else.maybe im weird i dunno. Ive heard many men tell me its wired into them that they are supposed to sleep with as many people as possible and so if they look at porn they wont cheat.So does that mean there always going to be a chance that they will cheat if they dont look at porn? Cant you see why im confused lol If you knew me you'd know that i wouldnt ever dare tell anyone what to do im not that sort of person.I just end up crying.Im really emotional.My boyfriend is the one more likely telling me what to do not the other way around. Please dont be to nasty with your remarks.I knwo im a pain and you might not be able to get through to me but im a nice person really Link to post Share on other sites
maroon5 Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 These are only my personal reasons: - I hate the fact that my bf fantasizes about other women on a daily basis. (I know that many men don't fantasize about being with the women in the porn, but my partner does and told me so) - I feel like i have to compete with the girls in the porn. - I hate the fact that my partner spends more time fantasizing about other women than fantasizing about me. - I feel that all the effort that I put into looking pretty for my bf is wasted because he'll look at porn pics anyway. - I feel that porn takes something away from my relationship. - my partner is so used to watching porn that me being naked is not special to him, while I feel that it should be. - I feel that if my partner spent more time fantasizing about having sex with me and less time fantasizing about having sex with porn-stars he would love me more and desire me more. - when my partner watches a lot of porn, many things that I considered a special thing between us (anal sex, or some kinds of sex play) feel no longer special to me but feel dirty instead. - I see a lot of things in a different perspective according to whether my partner watches porn or not. - I don't fantasize about other men, I don't read romance novels and **** like that, so why should he look at porn? - "Am I not enough for him????" - If I know that my bf has been fantasizing about other women it is a huge turnoff for me. - Why spend so much time surfing the internet for porn when you could spend that time with or for your partner? - i genuinely believe that whenever you fantasize about other people you are taking away from your partner and from your relationship. - if the relationship with my current boyfriend will continue or if my next bf will watch porn....well, i'm worried about the future. How am I going to feel about porn when I get old, or - worse- when I get pregnant? - I find that it is disrespectful (yes, I know how so many loveshackers hate this word) to look at porn (or to read romance novels, or to develop an addiction to romance movies, or to collect stuff about an actor/actress/singer of the opposite sex that you find attractive) when you are in a relationship. i agree 1000% Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Seems to me the best thing would be simply seeking out men who aren't into that sort of thing, instead of keeping oneself in painful and hurtful situations by staying with the men that do. It would be better for both partners, in fact. If you are presented repeatedly with what are dealbreakers for you, and your partner simply will not change for themselves OR for you then you have only one choice: adapt to it or leave and find someone who will be a better fit in terms of what you want for yourself and the relationship. That goes for both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 I agree with Adunaphel and maroon.Are we all women by any chance lol Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 Fine. Live with your insecurities. Cherish them. Adore them. Because they may be the only things you'll end up living with since a large majority of men do not think of porn the way you and Adunaphel do. They do not love the women in the porn. That's the bottom line. And if you want to believe that your bf prefers them to you, that's your prerogative. As LB said you can change your attitude or you can drop him. Since you refuse to try to change, drop him and try to find a guy who shares your beliefs. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 I knwo im a pain and you might not be able to get through to me but im a nice person really Aw, bless Toni, I'm taking it from what you're saying that ditching the boyfriend isn't an option and you've no intention of telling him not to look at the porn. Are you just feeling like you need to sound off about it a bit? Lots of women don't like porn, for all sorts of reasons. If the main thing is that it makes you feel insecure about yourself (and I'm getting that impression) then it's okay to say that. People do get insecure about things. The point of insecurity is to alert us to possible danger. Once you've rationally established that there is no real danger then the insecurity becomes redundant. It then becomes up to you to manage and rid yourself of any remaining feelings of insecurity. Ask yourself whether porn is really threatening your relationship. Is your boyfriend about to leave you for one of the models in the magazine...or is that an irrational insecurity that you need to get rid of? Porn can bother women for other reasons. The mainstreaming of porn does, I think, mean that there's more pressure on women to do things that they might not really want to do. You live in the UK, so you know about the culture of lads' mags. Not porn, as such, but some of them do promote the normalisation of sex acts that many women still feel averse to - despite what you might read in the sex threads of this forum. Establishing and feeling comfortable about your own boundaries is vital here. Your boyfriend has the right to look at porn, but he doesn't have the right to start demanding that you help him re-enact porn-inspired fantasies. Unless you're happy to do so. If he starts making those sorts of demands, then I think you'll be justified in talking to him about the porn use and pointing out the ways in which it might be starting to affect your relationship. LB has told you that you need to either get out of the relationship or adapt to the way things are. Porn is so mainstream, and so many people do use it now, that those of us who don't particularly like it somehow have to adapt anyway. That doesn't mean forcing yourself to like porn. What it means is acknowledging how it makes you feel, finding ways to manage that and generally minimising your own exposure to the large volume of porn images that bombard us on a daily basis. It may involve asking your bf to keep his porn materials out of your sight so that you're not constantly being bombarded with images you don't wish to see. It's important that you feel confident in your right to not like porn, and equally feel confident that this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It's not your job to change the way other people think about this. You just have to manage your own thoughts. I wish I could help you a bit more here, but I'm not entirely sure what you want from Loveshack. I'm just guessing that you want to hear that it's as normal and okay for some people to not like porn as it is for others to like it. We can't provide you with ammunition or a magic formula to stop your bf looking at porn. He's going to carry on doing that. I think the two of you just need to work out a way of preventing that from cutting into your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted October 1, 2005 Share Posted October 1, 2005 outcast.I havent said he was wrong maybe i am insecure.Well i know i am but as you said that i wouldnt change my beleifs i said before that i am going to counselling.That is a really big deal for me.I dont want to hurt my boyfriend and i dont want to be this insecure anymore so thats why im going.I do know im insecure but i dont think i will ever like porn.But at least ive addmitted that i have a problem and i am tackling it.I mean that should mean something shouldnt it? I put off going to my doctors for so long because i was scared he'd think i was strange or something but i made myself do it.And even though it doesnt seem that bigger deal to some people, it was to me. I read something someone said in another post.It said that if you fantisize about others then you will come to desire them more.So her advice was that people should fantisize about there partners more then they will desire them more.If that makes sense lol. I dont like being this way.I hate getting upset about things like this but i do and so im getting help.So im not refusing to change.I am trying it might just take a little time.If my boyfriend sticks by me or not thats up to him. Hi thanks lindya, I Think i came on here to try and justify it in a way.I dont really know.I just feel so down sometimes about it.I might sound pathetic but little things really bother me and i worry loads.In my past i had a few problems about the way i looked.I was made to feel like a nobody by one of my friends.I hated myself and that feeling just hasnt gone away.Ive had a boyfriend leave me for my sister before because he said she was better looking.A lad cheated on me and denyed it and then started to well i dont know what the word is but do things i didnt like.I was too scared to getaway so i just put up with it.I just cant seem to escape. I cant remember the amount of times ive read posts and cried because it just makes me feel so low.Maybe the porn thing doesnt mean that he likes me any less but it still eats away at me.He can tell me im the most gorgeous person on the planet until hes blue in the face but because of things i dont believe him.Ive tried self help books and other things they just dont work for me. Maybe if i have counselling things will get better but people constantly critsizing me for not liking porn or at least getting upset my boyfriend does it. I know that i shouldnt,I dont want to but i just do. Sorry i get on everyones nerves lol but i take things so personal Just the way i am Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted October 3, 2005 Share Posted October 3, 2005 People can justify porn all they want but if its agains someones morals it does not mean they need counseling to adjust their morals! There are men out there who do not look at porn and/or who stop looking at porn when they are in a committed relationship. Don't let people make you feel like there is something wrong with you! Porn is a deal-breaker for a lot of people. It hurts to break up, but I'd rather than and be able to hold my head up knowing I didn't settle for someone with habits or beliefs that hurt me in other ways; or try to live my life around that hurt. Fine. Live with your insecurities. Cherish them. Adore them. Because they may be the only things you'll end up living with That was a really crappy thing to say. Are you trying to bully her into your way of thinking? IF she has an insecurity it may be that she is insecure about her decision making abilities and is confusing them with her choices. If you want to change - change. If you don't, then learn how to be confident in your morals, priorities and choices and if you need counseling - get counseling for that. No one should get counseling because of someone else's choices, and that is what it sounds like some of you are suggesting. Link to post Share on other sites
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