Now I'm thoroughly confused; is this what "friend" does?

[harriet126]

My last post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/511319-unsure-if-guy-interested-not-getting-mixed-signals

 

So I've pretty much given up and tried not to think about the guy mentioned in the above posts (let's call this guy Kyle), but his behavior recently is really confusing.

 

I got mad at Kyle over something small at work (I kind of took out anger on him because I hated myself for being wrapped into his mixed signals)...he was very upset to the point that other coworkers were wondering what was wrong with him. The next day he said he couldn't sleep because of what I said and he tried very hard to please me that day to reconcile...

 

I was texting my male friend (let's call him Matt) about something; Kyle was giving me his usual lingering eye contact but noticed that I wasn't paying attention to him while I was texting my friend. He peeked over and saw that I was texting Matt. Ever since then he kept asking me about Matt, including what he looks like, what he does for a living, what we were texting about, etc...the next day I left work earlier than usual and he was complaining the next day why I didn't say bye to him and speculated that I went out on a date...

 

The next few days he was still asking me about Matt, saying that I should date Matt and why am I not giving him a chance. I said Matt isn't my type and then he asked why....I told him the reason and he said he beat Matt in that category. And then he pointed out that I was smiling as I was texting Matt...then I said "That was because Matt was funny." "Oh yeah? So he's funny huh..." And then I said "Matt thinks it's weird that you kept asking about him and he thinks you like me". Kyle didn't say anything after that but for the rest of the day at work he was acting really weird...like he couldn't get his mind straight (I could be biased but that was my observation)...

 

The next day he waited for me to leave work together and he asked about Matt again, I repeated the same thing to him about Matt suspecting that he likes me. He then said "Yeah need to learn more about my competition!" I just laughed and took that as a joke.

 

The following day I was asking another intern about going hiking at a place that I've never been before because my friend wants to go. Kyle asked me "Oh you want to go hiking with her (referring to my friend; he assumed my friend is female)?" I said "Yes, he (it was Matt, but I didn't say that) wants to go hiking". And then Kyle said he wanted to tag along too because he has never hiked with me before. This is a morning hike and Kyle is never a morning person, so I was surprised by his response (whether he meant it or not).

 

A week later Kyle told my coworkers and I that he won't go on casual dates anymore like he did in the past. That took me by surprise because he always went on those dates (as mentioned in the above posts). He said he wants to spend more time with his brother's family (does this excuse even make sense?). Not sure if he was lying or not, but after his declaration, he still showed me pictures of girls on the dating web site. I asked him why are you showing them to me when you don't casual date anymore? If you want to date them so bad then go ahead and date them. He said he just likes to look at their pictures...I feel like he just likes to show them to me to see my reaction.

 

Our coworkers at work always teased that Kyle and I should date. He then replied saying "I don't date coworkers." I said, "Oh, you don't want to be like Will and Jennifer? (two of our coworkers; after Jennifer quit she ended updating Will)" Kyle said "Then you will have to quit first." I said "Why do I have to quit first? Why can't you quit first?" Then it was dead silent...nobody said anything after that.

 

Fast forward a few more days he suddenly asked me if the company goes down what would I do...I said I would find another job. And then he said he would explore his options by the end of the year if the company doesn't do too well.....

 

He also recently asked me if I wanted to eat dinner with his friends (which he never did in the past). Lately he has been waiting for me so we could leave the office together (but our way home is not the same so we would only walk two blocks max together). He claimed that he has nothing to do after work anyway so he'd just wait for me. I asked him one time whether he would date me if I am not his coworker...he looked shocked and asked me why I brought up this hypothetical question...I said I just want to know...he then said that he'd consider it.....I am not sure if he was forced to say that or what, but I was very crushed hearing his response.

 

Anyway...am I getting wrapped into his false signals again? Please help...

Edited April 19, 2015 by harriet126

[Methodical]

I didn't read the link, but I did take the time to read this detailed post. Honestly, it sounds like a game of cat and mouse where you both are baiting each other. If you aren't interested in Kyle, why ask him if he'd date you? If he's not interested, why mention quitting your job or invite himself to go hiking?

Edited April 19, 2015 by Methodical

[preraph]

Look, no doubt he's playing some mind games with you, but you have to look at the bottom-line basics. The guy won't leave you alone. He definitely is interested in you. Now, whether he's just looking to get laid and wishes this didn't have to be at work where it could go so horribly wrong, or whether he really wants you to be his girlfriend is something we just don't know. Before you do anything with him, you ASK him point-blank what his intentions are. Right now, he's just throwing out scenarios to see what might work -- but again, it could all be just to get in your pants and he could blow you off the very next day. So before you do anything at all with him, ask him "You looking for sex or you looking for a real girlfriend," and tell him what you want.

[anika99]

Having read this thread and your linked thread I'm going to say he isn't considering you as a possible gf. Based on what you have said about him, he doesn't sound like some painfully shy guy who is afraid to ask women on dates. I get the impression that if he wanted to date you he would just say so.

 

 

Sometimes people engage in work flirtations/friendships just because it makes passing the time more fun. I think the majority of the stuff he says about Matt being his competition and what have you is just him joking around and teasing. However, if you like him and want to date him you could always try asking him out and see what he says. You will feel bad if he rejects you but at least that will answer your question.

[imtooconfused]

"Hi, my name is Kyle and there's this girl at work (let's call her Harriet) that I am really attracted to but I'm not sure if she's attracted to me. I talk to her a lot at work and pay her a lot of compliments. We flirt occasionally but this always seems to be confined to work. Whenever she texts me outside of work hours, it's always work related. If we go out, it's with other work friends and feels like she wants to be 'just friends'. I know I sometimes do some odd things like bark PASS ME THE SALT, but I do that because I'm just trying to capture her attention since she seems to like to bicker/fight back and forth as part of the flirting. I know she gets a lot of attention from other guys because she is quite attractive and that sometimes get's on my nerves. In particular there is this guy named Matt that I see her frequently joking over IM with. I found out that she's even planning on going on a hiking trip with him. I doubt that she would ever consider doing something like that with just the two of us outside of work."

 

If it's not obvious, the moral of this story is that mixed signals are usually mixed in both directions. If you do your best to clear up signals TO him, you might find the signals you receive FROM him become clear.

[preraph]

Sometimes people engage in work flirtations/friendships just because it makes passing the time more fun.

 

This is very true. I'm guilty of it myself. I have even had flirtations with women at work just to shake things up, and neither of us were gay. But that was in a very informal workplace.