Major red flags? Should I leave her for good?

[AaronSG]

She's always insecure about my previous relationship!

 

Wow, this kind of touched on something that happened in my case, maybe you'll get something out of it! My sociopathic ex-fiancé was super concerned to the point of almost paranoia in regards to anything regarding my ex-wife. Months into our relationship, and without my knowledge, my ex-fiancé has a couple secret talks with my ex-wife, mainly talks revolving around you know ex-wife "Aaron's my man now" & "You'll run everything in regards to your kid through me now, you won't talk to my man" and the kicker "don't bother ever showing up at our front door, your not welcome nor invited, you don't need to see Aaron for any reason"!

 

She did this with other various people as well, so watch out my friend, if your ex or current love or whatever she is to you ever has the chance to make direct contact with one of your former girlfriends, and having a strong suspicion of what type of person she really is, watch out, there could be trouble.

 

always checking my social media if i'm talking to my ex or other girls.

 

Oh yes, another example of the type of control and paranoia these types can bring to the table. Once is a rare while I'd be walking by the home office door and could swear at times that I saw my Facebook page up on her computers screen. As soon as I was detected she's "X" out of the web browser, get up out of her chair, make a little small talk, and get me away from the office door, and if question she would swear on a stack of Bibles that she was looking at her Facebook page.............. Paranoia, possession, and manipulations.......God I don't miss that.

 

If I don't give in to her demands, she always say bad things about me. Then after the dramatic confrontation, she'll be sweet and everything.

 

All I'm going to say on this one is watch your a**! Typical "push/pull" behavior associated with a her "little princesses syndrome", her need to spill vial out of her mouth about you and at the end of the day expecting you to be totally perfect with her, you know "I just bashed you all day, and crucified you for fighting my demands, but now that it's all over "let's sit in front of a warm fire and get all snuggly with each other"! Been there, done that, got the t-shirt! Just watch your a**, she's already struck you once, this issue could powder keg and possibly put her in a angry and violent position to do it again! Especially if you don't reciprocate the "let's get all warm and snuggly together", she see's you've pulled back and aren't buying the little princess apologies, she might get so frustrated and angry that she'll go from a princess to a rattle snake real fast.

 

She doesn't like it and gets too emotional when I open up with my inner circle (closest friends).

 

Of course she doesn't, if she does indeed suffer from anything closely related to narcissism, sociopathy or psychopathy or has a lean towards any type of Spectrum Disorder, you bet your a**, she'll have issue with you opening up to your closets friend. This whole talking to my closest friends thing was a serious issue for my ex-fiancé. If she does indeed suffer for the already stated disorders, this almost become a corner stone or linch pin of there "control" over us. See, shortly after my ex-fiancé arrived at my home and began to live with me, she quickly assessed who was "friend" and who was "foe"! Oddly enough my friends that for the most part kept to themselves, never speaking up, never creating any problems and not being around us all the time were "safe"! But my more outgoing friends, the types that speak their minds, are highly opinionated, highly educated and very dare devil risky with their lives were "foe"! My ex-fiancé even went as far as telling some of these various "foe" people that she really didn't like them hanging around and almost ordered them to stop having relations with me. It really wasn't until after she was gone that my friends and I put some puzzle pieces together and came up with the theory that she possibly felt that her relationship with me was "at risk" if certain people kept talking to me. She possibly was afraid that one of the "foe people", being the highly opinionated sort would have an opinion about her, possibly sharing it with me, and there being the risk that the opinion shared to me would put her in a very dark light. She maybe was afraid that I would listen and perhaps act upon the opinion shared, maybe even to the point of telling her......"get out"! So my ex-fiancé became quite the little master at playing games with people that in the end would isolate me and perhaps keep me more under her control!

 

Actually most of my bros noticed that I'm beginning to change.

 

Yup, been there, done this and got the t-shirt and key chain and bumper sticker! By various people, deep into my relationship would hint that they see changes with me, and not all the changes were positive!

 

She was able to penetrate and get close to my family.

 

Watch the f**k out with this issue, oh my God watch your a** and I mean really watch your a**!!!! My ex-fiancé was able to penetrate the inner ring of fire with some family members and was starting to do to them as she did with some of my "foe friends" and that was she began the initial stages of trying her best to isolate me from family. Especially family members who are of the highly educated and overly opinionated variety. Some family members who felt her starting to do this talked to me about it, but my rose colored glasses and blinders I was wearing prevented me from fully appreciating the situation and acting upon it! Watch you a**, that's all I can say!

 

she used the begging-crying like a baby (my weakness) card on me.

 

Of course she did, this is how these types operate. She knew she was losing her "supply" she was going to lose someone who would "feed the beast" she knew she was losing control over you and all her little games would be exposed and come crashing to the floor. These types don't take to kindly to us pulling back and distancing ourselves from them. Because if we put enough distance between ourselves and them, they fear that we at some point might have a better look at the "whole picture" and perhaps we'll begin to look upon things more "logically" and in more "detail" and they know they take the chance that we might see them for who they really are.

 

Ever hear the term........"keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer"? These types know if they keep you "closer" they will have more control over you, they will better maintain a "clean room environment" around you! They'll be able to feed you what they want you to hear, see what they want you to see, do what they want you to do ect. ect. ect.

 

"she used the begging-crying like a baby".............what a twisted web we weave, when our aim is to deceive!

 

I have no choice but to give her another chance because I have real feelings for this woman.

 

Can we say "codependent much"? You have "no choice", really? Your going to go there, really, I ain't buying this for one minute! We always have a "choice", it's just some choices never get made or acted upon do to certain levels of severity of the choice.

 

I'm beginning to see the light..

 

I hope so, because if you step away from seeing the light, everything you've experienced up to this point could be made to look like a "cake walk"!

Edited April 20, 2015 by AaronSG

[joseb]

I can't open much to people regarding this and she told me that issues in our relationship are best kept within the relationship itself.

Because she wants to control you. All part of that personality type.

 

OK, this has now crossed into the extreme emergency mode. You need to do all you can to stay safe. Go to the police. Show them the threatening message. And apply for a restraining order. Get your locks changed.

 

If you do not do this, things are going to get really bad. You may well be set up - to make it look like you attacked her.

You could very easily end up in jail. Or in hospital.This is not a game. It's real life.

Edited April 20, 2015 by joseb

[spiderowl]

We actually had an agreement to have a cool off for the next few days. After that we'll talking about our relationship if we should still continue this or not. She's feeling really guilty right now from what she did and I'll keep it to that.

 

It doesn't matter how she feels about what she did because she loses control and she's just going to do it again. She'll apologise, behave in a loving, sweet way, until you give her another chance and then, bang! - you'll be back to square 1. Anger problems don't just disappear.

[joseb]

It doesn't matter how she feels about what she did because she loses control and she's just going to do it again. She'll apologise, behave in a loving, sweet way, until you give her another chance and then, bang! - you'll be back to square 1. Anger problems don't just disappear.

This is absoutely correct.

She is NOT going to change.

All she will do is switch to sweet enough to draw you back in.

 

Even if she is 100% genuine about being sorry (and I'd argue she isn't sorry, just annoyed you aren't taking it) it doesn't matter one bit.

She has shown many times she is violent and can;t control her temper.

She is a dangerous person. The other post about attacking with a knife - that could easily be her in the future.

[SoThatHappened]

Didn't even read more than a couple posts in and the last couple of posts.

 

You, my friend, need to run and never look back.

 

Plain.

 

Simple.

 

WTF are you doing even trying to justify or condone these red flags?

 

We don't need 6 pages to figure this one out.

[fastjack]

After the latest incident last night, I already made up my mind. This relationship is not healthy for me and will never be. I have to EXIT ASAP but I don't know how. She's emotional unstable and will definitely go ballistic on me but yeah, it has to to be done.

[joseb]

Have you contacted the police about the threats to "hunt you down" from her enablers?

Have you applied for a restraining order?

Have you changed the locks?

Once that's done, the rest will probably fall in line.

[Fufu]

After the latest incident last night, I already made up my mind. This relationship is not healthy for me and will never be. I have to EXIT ASAP but I don't know how. She's emotional unstable and will definitely go ballistic on me but yeah, it has to to be done.

 

This^ Always have this in your mind.

[fastjack]

How do I explain things or breakup with an emotional unstable person? Some said that I should do it over the phone but as a gentleman, I prefer doing it in person. Now, i'm just worried what she might do even if we do it in a neutral place such as a cafe or a restaurant. After this, i'm planning not to see her at all or make any forms of contact although we have common friends..

 

Man, this is really hard. She's playing all her cards on me right now and i'm just emotionally drained. Even my work is getting affected by this.

[Fufu]

How do I explain things or breakup with an emotional unstable person? Some said that I should do it over the phone but as a gentleman, I prefer doing it in person. Now, i'm just worried what she might do even if we do it in a neutral place such as a cafe or a restaurant. After this, i'm planning not to see her at all or make any forms of contact although we have common friends..

 

Man, this is really hard. She's playing all her cards on me right now and i'm just emotionally drained. Even my work is getting affected by this.

 

What's there to explain? I'm getting real confused here. If she's emotionally unstable, I don't think any explanation will work.

[fastjack]

What's there to explain? I'm getting real confused here. If she's emotionally unstable, I don't think any explanation will work.

 

I mean how do I end things peacefully at least?

[AIJ]

There's no real way to end it peacefully. For your own safety, do it over the phone. Being a 'gentleman' isn't going to be very helpful when there's a knife plunged in to your chest. Just saying.

[Diezel]

For my LAST breakup with an emotionally stinted person... SHE said "We are not compatible". I grabbed my things from her apartment, agreed and walked out.

 

Any other communication was done through text/email.

 

Normally, I don't advocate this between two emotionally healthy human beings, but in this case, it was one that wasn't and the other was a codependent. You can't have face to face interaction with them when you've made a decision, because the hooks just dig right back into you.

 

Avoid that at all costs. If she has stuff at your place, mail it to her. If she has keys to your place, change the locks right now. If you are at her place living, pick up your stuff when she isn't there and then break it off.

[Fufu]

I mean how do I end things peacefully at least?

 

How do you define peace?

 

If you ask me, I would rather not have any conversations anymore. Really, I think both individuals are not emotionally ready to even have a "normal" talk.

 

The real peace in my opinion, is the inner peace where you can move on with your life happily and not overly worried about your past relationship.

[joseb]

fastjack, the normal 'breakup etiquette' does not apply here.

She has been abusive, physically and mentally, and she has threatened violence on you via her "friends".

She is dangerous.

 

You need to do what is safe. There will be no nice breakup, it will be nasty.

So do not do it in person. Do it on the phone, or better, by email.

This prevents her trying to manipulate you.

When I say change the locks I am not kidding.

I really would contact the police regarding that message too - unless you are pretty sure it was an empty threat.

 

Has she ever hinted or threatened sucicide?

I ask because a lot of BPDs use this as a control ploy.

If she does, the only reaction from you is to call the police immediately and tell them.

 

It may not be easy to break, but it will be easier to do this now than at any time in the future.

Best of luck, and keep us posted. And don't fall for any of her b.s. Do this with the least amount of contact possible.

Edited April 21, 2015 by joseb

[spiderowl]

How do I explain things or breakup with an emotional unstable person? Some said that I should do it over the phone but as a gentleman, I prefer doing it in person. Now, i'm just worried what she might do even if we do it in a neutral place such as a cafe or a restaurant. After this, i'm planning not to see her at all or make any forms of contact although we have common friends..

 

Man, this is really hard. She's playing all her cards on me right now and i'm just emotionally drained. Even my work is getting affected by this.

 

I don't think, if you are dealing with someone who is violent, that you have to adhere to the usual courtesies of seeing them in person. She has physically attacked you before so it is not unreasonable to think that might happen again. Make sure you have a safe place to be where she cannot gain access and then tell her over the phone. Asap make sure your friends know so they can keep an eye out for you and her. Maybe it's best to seek advice from an organisation who deals with abusive people first. They might have some good tips. Good luck!

[fastjack]

Well, after all the advice I got from my friends and from this community, I finally broke up with her, but it wasn't smooth as I thought it would be.

She was feeling really depressed the whole day because of what happened the night before. I'm pretty much sure with my decision to breakup with her for my own good and of course, my sanity. I'm not sure if what I did was good enough but here it is:

 

The Setup

I asked her to go for a drive within the city with me. She didn't eat much the whole day so I suggested that we should grab some food. We went to a McDonalds drive thru then went to an empty parking lot. After we ate, we started talking about our relationship.

 

The Break-Up

I told her I was sorry for my mistakes in the relationship and assured her that I'm not mad. She said she's tired of the fights and crying, (she's been crying the whole week) because I wasn't normal at all. She said she wants us to be okay again and fix things. I told her that I can't be okay because what she did really affected me. She said she realized all her mistakes and she's willing to change for the better. After all, she said she's been trying to fix things between us by being more understandable and through sweet gestures.

 

I was determined to end it. I told her that I appreciate the fact that she's trying really hard but I really got hurt from the things that happened between us. (The latest was the threat from her friend, she said she has nothing do with it)

 

From thereon, I told her that I don't recognize myself anymore and it will be unfair for her if I stay in the relationship knowing that i'm slowly turning into a jerk/douche bag, and I might not treat her right. I followed up with the "I need to find myself first and that it's better if we take a break from the relationship." I explained that i'm really drained emotionally and the other factors in my life are getting affected already. I really don't know how to handle things like this.

 

She started crying, begging, pleading and everything. She was blaming herself for what happened between us and was asking me to give her another chance. It came to my realization that it was better to have this talk in a neutral or public place with other people around. She was feeling guilty, and I almost gave in.

 

Full BPD In-Action

I know this girl pretty well and i thought she was predictable. Like what I said in one of my posts, she's the girl-next-door type, pretty, and most likely to break hearts. All of her exes were jerks who cheated on her (from her account) and it's easy for her to move on. The horror started when I became firm with my decision of taking a break. I told her I wasn't closing my doors in the future, but she's pushing for another chance. I told her that she should focus on herself more, try to establish a career (she's doesn't work) or just go out with her friends. She didn't take it lightly and was crying really hard! The she started.. slapping herself. Blaming herself for everything. Then she was literally punching her head really hard! I kinda panicked because I didn't know she's capable of doing that. It lasted a few hours and was planning to call her mom or any close friends. Unfortunately, I have no signal from my mobile phone and hers was far from me. She didn't hurt me but it was a terrifying experience. For almost 3 hours, she was crying and she said she wanted to die and I'm the only one who understands her. I almost lost it as well as I got really scared of what just happened.

 

It took her a while to calm down and then I explained things to her to which she agreed. I told her I need to find myself and if I do, maybe we can start talking again. I suggested her to do the same. She has so many " what if's" but i'm pretty much sure, she will be able to move on for the next couple of days. She said she's still hoping for me to come back to her.

 

I can feel that she's actually depressed. Her best friend called me that it's actually her first time to experience something like this because in the past, she'd be okay in an instant but this is somewhat different.

 

My game plan

As much as I like this person, I can't be with her. I just realized that. I have to move on and go on with my life without her. Life will be sweeter and i'll be able to get to know myself more. My goal is to become stable in life and enjoy it.

 

I know that it hurts for her and for me as well. I don't like hurting people specially on the emotional side. I can't imagine her getting depressed and really down but she has to endure this. I'm just worried on things she will do to herself

[joseb]

Well done on going through with it and sticking to breaking up.

 

But why did you ignore everyones advice that it would not be smooth, that doing in in person was a bad idea?

 

I think you got a away lightly - from how you describe her, it could have been a lot worse.

 

Make sure you follow through. Expect more contact from her.

Was there any witnesses to her hitting herself?

[Ruby65]

You've done the right thing.

 

If she's Borderline, her fear of abandonment will be raging full force for a while -- you just need to keep a steady head, do your best to avoid all contact, and keep moving forward.

 

None of what she's going through is about YOU. Borderlines will self-injure, threaten to kill themselves, they'll enlist friends (called "flying monkeys") to do their bidding, they've got lots of tricks -- as you've already seen.

 

Eventually she'll turn you black (making you into an evil monster in her mind) and be done with you.

 

It's terrifying to witness, but this is all standard Borderline stuff and they all work off the same tired old scripts. Check out "Mommy Dearest" for more Borderline antics!

 

Good luck to you -- stay strong.

[joseb]

Yeah she already has had her flying monkeys threatening him.

 

Stay strong, you most definitely did the right thing, just don't forget that.

 

And if she threatens sucicide, don't go to her - if you think she is serious (actually even if not) call the cops.

 

You will probably be shaken by all the fallout from this for a while.

But at least you got out fairly early - well done.

[fastjack]

I told her i'd be back if I already found myself. Even if I do, I won't come back anymore try to patch up things with her. She's still hoping but I need to love myself more. I can't be in that situation again and with what I experienced, i'd probably be scarred for life. Luckily with my work, i'll be deployed to another country so it will be much easier for me and her to move on with our lives.

 

I really pity that girl. I mean, she's really sweet but I have to accept the fact that we can't be together. If she does contact me, what should I do? She doesn't have much "real" friends to begin with. My support group was ready for this to happen and I can pretty much deal with my emotions fairly. I just need to distract myself and do things that I used to love.

[Diezel]

She WILL contact you. Do not respond.

 

Her lack of a social group is HER problem and she is the reason for it.

 

You are NOT her emotional tampon.

[ZiggyZoo]

I told her i'd be back if I already found myself. Even if I do, I won't come back anymore try to patch up things with her. She's still hoping but I need to love myself more. I can't be in that situation again and with what I experienced, i'd probably be scarred for life. Luckily with my work, i'll be deployed to another country so it will be much easier for me and her to move on with our lives.

 

I really pity that girl. I mean, she's really sweet but I have to accept the fact that we can't be together. If she does contact me, what should I do? She doesn't have much "real" friends to begin with. My support group was ready for this to happen and I can pretty much deal with my emotions fairly. I just need to distract myself and do things that I used to love.

 

BLOCK HER NOW

 

Listen to me, she's not done by a long shot. Your "breakup" left so many loopholes, she's going to barely acknowledge it when this wears off. By telling her that you needed to find yourself and that you'll be back when that happens, you're going to hear from her again. You should have said, in no uncertain terms, that it was done between the two of you. And you should have done it over the phone, or in a public place. This much you've already figured out.

 

I don't mean to jump down your throat, telling her even that much was a step in the right direction. But it is a very real possibility that she's going to go to the police with her self-inflicted punches or to one of her guy friends. She could spin some BS story about you doing it, and there's nothing you can do to repute it. People like her are unstable, and when crossed, absolutely go off the rails.

 

Or worse yet, she'll be back in her "sweet" mode and try to manipulate you that way. Either way, you NEED to protect yourself from her, she has no boundaries and is capable of anything. And like joseb said, if she tries to threaten suicide or self-harm, call the police. Don't get involved with her any more than you already are.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's not done and she sounds dangerous. As a curiosity, I would call her Mom and tell her exactly what happened and that she needs her now. Let her family know what's going on before she goes off the deep end and does something stupid. They should be able to get her the help that she needs.

[joseb]

BLOCK HER NOW

Listen to me, she's not done by a long shot. Your "breakup" left so many loopholes, she's going to barely acknowledge it when this wears off.

This is true. But I wouldn't bother calling her to clarify anything. Just cut her out. The time for being a 'gentleman' are over. You may have gotten lucky so far.

 

But it is a very real possibility that she's going to go to the police with her self-inflicted punches or to one of her guy friends. She could spin some BS story about you doing it, and there's nothing you can do to repute it. People like her are unstable, and when crossed, absolutely go off the rails.

Yes, this is why I told you to not do it in person, and this is why I asked you if there were witnesses. You have opened yourself up to all kinds of false allegations. I know guys who have spent time behind bars in these kinds of situations. The cops always side with the woman in DV claims.

 

And forget your deluded notion that she is sweet. WAKE UP.

She is a nut job, only capable of acting sweet as a manipulation tactic.

Sorry if this comes across harsh, but you still do not seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation you are dealing with, and the kind of crazy she is.