Charliep500 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Here goes. Back in 2012 an affair started with a woman at work. As I've discovered with this type of thing, I didn't want to get into an affair but lust or whatever took over. I'm a married dad with 2 young kids and she was also married with 2 kids but is now going through a divorce (both of us in our late 30s). She was suggesting throughout the affair that she would leave her husband to be with me. She told me early on she didn't love him. I was very much not wanting this and was constantly fearing getting caught. I was stand offish for a long time and even found excuses to not go away with her overnight etc. However for a long time and even before the affair, I feel I'm not in love with my wife and as last year went on I developed really strong feelings for the woman at work. I buried my head in the sand about my marriage (8 yrs now) and kind of suppressed the notion I'm not in love with my wife probably going back to 2010 onwards. during the Autumn the other woman decided to instigate divorce which was coming for a long time. We talked and she wanted to stop our affair which I agreed was the best thing to do too. I did feel sad about it and she said she had to move on as she didn't think I would ever leave my wife. We still work together and she is going through a very messy divorce. But there is still this spark between us. I feel I love her and we do flirt a bit even now. She has even said on a couple of occasions since Xmas that she finds herself really attracted to me some days and just wants to grab and..well you know what she means! I stopped being touchy feely with her in feb when she said that while she doesn't mind it doesn't feel right to her as I'm having problems at home. But then she sometimes likes to do a lot a of arm or face touching. It's confusing but I keep telling myself it's over. I've tried to move on but these kind of comments and actions pull me back in. I think with my marriage that there's an element of staying together for the kids and we've bought a relationship book to get help. After an initial couple of months of improvements it seems like we're back to square one. Sex is not what it used to be and while I try to suggest it more often, my wife doesn't seem as interested. Our kids are 5 and 3 and we've tried a couple of weekends away. We get on like friends but not as lovers. The other woman at work has feelings for me she says but won't be around forever. I guess what I'm looking for here on the forum is if anyone else has been through something similar and any advice you can offer to help would be great. Even if this affair never happened We would need help in our marriage but it's another layer of complication having feelings for the other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Here goes. Back in 2012 an affair started with a woman at work. As I've discovered with this type of thing, *I didn't want to get into an affair but lust or whatever took over. **It's confusing but I keep telling myself it's over. ***I think with my marriage that there's an element of staying together for the kids and we've bought a relationship book to get help. ****any advice you can offer to help would be great. *Yes you did want to get into an affair. It happened because both of you wanted it to happen. **It's not over. It is now an emotional affair. You're just not having sex at the moment. ***You can't repair your marriage whilst being in an emotional affair. That would have to end. ****Tell your wife what you've been doing and hope she'll forgive you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 be honest with your W and tell her just how much trouble your marriage is in - then seek MC & with the guidance of the counselor, work on your marriage. change your job, go full no contact with the AP. since you have young children and since your W gave birth around the time you started an A - i doubt she truly knows what is going on in your head. "i feel i love her" is so not enough for you to leave your M & rob your kids off a happy & stable family that early on in their lives. if you're leaving your M for an AP - you need to be 100% that what you're doing is absolutely right. you, at least, owe your children that much. and next time - when you have problems in your M & contemplate leaving, try NOT to bring another child in the entire mess. it seems like you "stopped loving" your W the moment she started giving birth to your children. coincidence? probably not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Your wife isn't interested in sex because you're not interested in her. You left the marriage to have an affair - you actively rejected and neglected your wife wether you admit it or not. Her needs are not being met because you put yours first. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Depressed, exactly. The op is using the consequence of his disconnection with his wife as the cause of his affair. My h did the same thing. It was perfect to run to his ap and tell her about his sad marriage. If you're running to another woman to complain about the marriage, the problem is the affair, not the marriage anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I don't think you should work on your marriage. If you don't love your wife it is not fair to hold her in an unloving relationship. But, I think when you divorce you need to take time to regroup do some internal inventory and decide what you want for your life. Give it a few months, get the divorce handled, concentrate on your kids, maybe then you can openly date your affair partner if that is what is best for you. I don't believe in staying in an unhappy marriage out of obligation. It is miserable for all involved. Hang in there, it is not easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) Anybody else notice he started the affair 3 years ago, and has a 3 year old? Nice. He started an affair when he had a 2 year old and a newborn. OP you need to realize what you are doing here. You are about to lose everything you actually love for a side chick. You don't like your responsibilities at home. Imagine how your wife feels. 3 small kids and a husband that isn't there for her. Edited April 19, 2015 by MuddyRock 6 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Anybody else notice he started the affair 3 years ago, and has a 3 year old? Nice. He started an affair when he had a 2 year old and a newborn. OP you need to realize what you are doing here. You are about to lose everything you actually love for a side chick. You don't like your responsibilities at home. Imagine how your wife feels. 3 small kids and a husband that isn't there for her. This is why he should divorce. Give his wife an opportunity to find someone who will love and fully commit to her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 We would need help in our marriage but it's another layer of complication having feelings for the other woman. Please be honest with everyone involved. Tell your wife you do not love her and only think of her as a "friend". Tell her you are in love with your co-worker and want to see where that goes and do not want to cheat on her any more. Oh, and tell the OW's BH that your are in love with his wife and her with you and you guy's want to be together. Both set's of kids will find out and you and OW will want to be out in the open, around each other kids eventually, no? Start being honest now. I know you won't do that, but it's the honest thing to do. You file for D, be generous with W and kids, give them the home. You and OW get to be out and open in a wonderful R. Problem solved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 You'll get used to your passionless and sexless marriage like millions of men do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 You'll get used to your passionless and sexless marriage like millions of men do. Those poor poor men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mokamint7 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I agree with what some have said. I'd tell her, knowing there may be severe repercussions, and if you and her (your wife) are meant to be you'll be able to work things out with the help of a professional. The woman you were having an A with may not be who you're suppose to end up with, but maybe she was brought into your life so you could figure out what you really want. Be ready for a lot of backlash from your wife's friends and family and even some of yours. I feel like we only have one life to live and I wouldn't want to wake up one day when I'm old and have regrets about the life I live or still be sad. Good luck and I hope the comments you read on this post help you make a decision that works best for you and your family. Whatever that may be, please for your children, always and forever more involve them in your life, make them feel loved, and that you will always be there for them. I don't think divorce traumatizes children, it's the way they feel their parents feel about them afterwards and whether or not their parents use them as pawns. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Those poor poor men. Nope. That's just life and he needs to relax. There are clearly many other perks to marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) Nope. That's just life and he needs to relax. There are clearly many other perks to marriage. hell no! a marriage without sex is a dead marriage. no sex means no intimacy - leading to the spouses becoming roommates and losing every connection with each other. Anybody else notice he started the affair 3 years ago, and has a 3 year old? Nice. He started an affair when he had a 2 year old and a newborn. OP you need to realize what you are doing here. You are about to lose everything you actually love for a side chick. You don't like your responsibilities at home. Imagine how your wife feels. 3 small kids and a husband that isn't there for her. he basically started falling out of love with his W when she started giving birth to their children and i honestly don't think that's a coincidence - i've seen that scenario play out too many times. OP - i don't think you should divorce... at least not yet. mainly because you don't seem like someone who clearly knows what he's doing OR feeling. in fact, you seem like someone completely lost in time and space. focus on your M and if you're TRULY sure and KNOW FOR A FACT that you don't feel any romantic love & connection with your W, then divorce. divorce is not some kind of walk in the park, you have 2 children to think about and you need to be 100% sure that you're marriage is hopeless and that you've done everything in your power to make it better - everything less than that is reckless and irresponsible. and i'm sorry but you don't come off as someone who is 100% sure about anything in your 1st post. people often like to rewrite history and i've seen MANY leave their marriage and regretting it when they realize things weren't that hopeless at all - so don't be that person. i didn't get the feeling that your M was absolutely miserable, you owe it to yourself, too... to try to do your absolute best in repairing your relationship with your W (with professional guidance). if it doesn't work out? then leave. and if you'll leave the M, do it only for yourself - never for the AP. Edited April 19, 2015 by minimariah 4 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Here goes. I buried my head in the sand about my marriage (8 yrs now) and kind of suppressed the notion I'm not in love with my wife probably going back to 2010 onwards. So looking back you fell out of love with her when she had child #1. Then started an affair when she had child #2. The problem is not your wife or your kids, it is you. Explore that in counseling. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 hell no! a marriage without sex is a dead marriage. no sex means no intimacy - leading to the spouses becoming roommates and losing every connection with each other Well it happens the world over and plenty of couple stay married. This is what people refer to when they say they feel like roommates or like brother and sister. At least that's better than a contenuous marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Kbomb Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 All my relationships are pretty messed up so Im not the best at giving advice. But I am in a similar situation and I can tell you what I have learned. 1. Staying married for the kids sake helps no one! Least your kids, they will only learn that its normal to be in a loveless marriage. Do you want that for them? 2. Its been 8 years I think deep in your heart you know if your marriage can truly be saved or not. If not then don't waste more time, you are still young enough to find someone else, but wait a while after your divorce until you are completely healed from the loss of your marriage before you get into another relationship or that relationship will be doomed. 3. Be picky! Once you are Divorced don't go for someone married or that has baggage, look for a life partner so you don't have to go through this again. I am not going to judge you for cheating as many here will do, its your life and only you have walked in your shoes. Good luck!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Nope. That's just life and he needs to relax. There are clearly many other perks to marriage. The OP sounds pretty relaxed to me. Just another garden variety cheater. It's doubtful he'll leave his marriage, because it's about him and his comfort. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 The OP sounds pretty relaxed to me. Just another garden variety cheater. It's doubtful he'll leave his marriage, because it's about him and his comfort. The Great God of Comfort. The easiest path from A - Z. I've known a few like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) Quote: Originally Posted by Lurkeraspect The OP sounds pretty relaxed to me. Just another garden variety cheater. It's doubtful he'll leave his marriage, because it's about him and his comfort. The Great God of Comfort. The easiest path from A - Z. Yes, also know as the Great Cake eater. MMMMmmmm, love eating it, love having it, I'll have mine and some of yours too. But I don't want my W/H to know I have and eat cake too, lol, won't be able to have both then so I just keep it a secret Edited April 19, 2015 by Ruffian1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Quote: Originally Posted by Lurkeraspect The OP sounds pretty relaxed to me. Just another garden variety cheater. It's doubtful he'll leave his marriage, because it's about him and his comfort. The Great God of Comfort. The easiest path from A - Z. Yes, also know as the Great Cake eater. MMMMmmmm, love eating it, love having it, I'll have mine and some of yours too. But I don't want my W/H to know I have and eat cake too, lol, won't be able to have both then so I just keep it a secret That seems to sum up the bulk of these MM/MW. Sad really how much time and effort is wasted on this type of individual. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 we've bought a relationship book to get help. A relationship book? That's sort of like putting a band-aid on an uncontrolled arterial bleeder. You have put a lot more effort on destroying your marriage (ie, your affair) than you have on fixing it. If you want your marriage to work, time to man up and do it 100%. Get rid of the OW, get into marriage counseling, deal with things. Otherwise you might be using that relationship book as a doorstop as you are moving out of the house. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 The OP sounds pretty relaxed to me. Just another garden variety cheater. It's doubtful he'll leave his marriage, because it's about him and his comfort. That's correct. I don't know why he's asking questions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Another voice for examining the timeline of your "falling out of love" and then starting an affair. Your wife became pregnant and then delivered a child 5 years ago. At that time, you ceased to be the sole focus of her care and love. And rightly so. She became a mother and her attention went toward care and feeding of your child. As a result of her doing that, you fell out of love with her. I think it's worth exploring this issue in counseling. After childbearing, women's bodies change. They may not feel as sexually attractive. They may not have the same sensations in the same places. If you want a satisfying sex life with your wife, take the time to learn with her how her body works now. Be patient. Tell her she is still sexy to you. Instead of just jumping on top of her at night, when he's probably exhausted from her day's work, make the experience pleasurable for her. Nurture her. Care for her. If you make love-making satisfying and fulfilling for her, she will want it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Divorce your wife. If you really loved her you wouldn't have cheated. Once you're single, do what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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