Too far gone

[Inflikted]

I'm a 26 year old guy, and I've been alone my entire life. I've never had friends, never dated, never had any kind of relationship with another person. My extended family wants nothing to do with me, and my parents are in a loveless marriage with no lives beyond each other.

 

As a child, I was "shy". Into my teens, though, I stopped being "shy", and just settled into quiet, reserved, highly introverted, and generally disconnected from people. My biggest problem is that I simply don't "like" anyone I meet. Not that I "dislike" people, specifically, but I don't connect with them, I find myself not caring about them, and just having no interest in them. Likewise, that's how I feel people look at me, as well.

 

Which is understandable. But over the last several years, it's been gnawing at me more and more. The loneliness, the lack of human companionship, the lack of friendship, the lack of intimacy. It's always back there, in the back of my mind, no matter how much I try to distract myself. It's always there, eating away at me more and more, each and every single day.

 

There have been a handful of instances over the last few years where I tried connecting with people, just to have some people in my life, even if I wasn't particularly interested in them; perhaps I just don't know how to actually connect with people, or perhaps I'm just not good enough for anyone, but in my experiences, every single person I've tried to connect with has "rejected" me.

 

It's gotten to a point where I just feel so incredibly bitter and jaded and jealous and resentful. I see people out and about, I see people with their friends, I see people with their significant other, and it just burns me up inside; I feel jealous and resentful, and hatred towards myself for being unable to have those things.

 

I know people would generally argue differently, but I'm confident I will go my entire life without having a single friend or relationship or any kind of meaningful connection with another person. And that thought makes me hurt, but I know it in my heart to be true. And that burns me up even more. I've become this horribly bitter, resentful, angry person, and I feel like I'm too far gone, at this point, and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

[Satu]

This is the solution:

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

(You can extend that list into infinity.)

 

We have no right to receive anything that we do not give.

 

In fact, I don't think its even possible, to receive what we don't give.

[Inflikted]

This is the solution:

 

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

(You can extend that list into infinity.)

 

We have no right to receive anything that we do not give.

 

In fact, I don't think its even possible, to receive what we don't give.

 

Yes, that makes sense, but the thing is, I tried to be those things to the best of my ability, for much of my life. It's only fairly recently that I've started to really withdraw into myself and become so bitter and resentful, but it's gotten me to a point where I can't even see a way back for myself anymore.

[Satu]

Yes, that makes sense, but the thing is, I tried to be those things to the best of my ability, for much of my life. It's only fairly recently that I've started to really withdraw into myself and become so bitter and resentful, but it's gotten me to a point where I can't even see a way back for myself anymore.

 

If you don't like who you are, you have to rebuild yourself into a form that you do like.

 

Keep the good parts, through out the garbage, and find new and better ways of being.

 

You can't change by staying the same.

[digdug75]

I'm a 26 year old guy, and I've been alone my entire life. I've never had friends, never dated, never had any kind of relationship with another person. My extended family wants nothing to do with me, and my parents are in a loveless marriage with no lives beyond each other.

 

As a child, I was "shy". Into my teens, though, I stopped being "shy", and just settled into quiet, reserved, highly introverted, and generally disconnected from people. My biggest problem is that I simply don't "like" anyone I meet. Not that I "dislike" people, specifically, but I don't connect with them, I find myself not caring about them, and just having no interest in them. Likewise, that's how I feel people look at me, as well.

 

Which is understandable. But over the last several years, it's been gnawing at me more and more. The loneliness, the lack of human companionship, the lack of friendship, the lack of intimacy. It's always back there, in the back of my mind, no matter how much I try to distract myself. It's always there, eating away at me more and more, each and every single day.

 

There have been a handful of instances over the last few years where I tried connecting with people, just to have some people in my life, even if I wasn't particularly interested in them; perhaps I just don't know how to actually connect with people, or perhaps I'm just not good enough for anyone, but in my experiences, every single person I've tried to connect with has "rejected" me.

 

It's gotten to a point where I just feel so incredibly bitter and jaded and jealous and resentful. I see people out and about, I see people with their friends, I see people with their significant other, and it just burns me up inside; I feel jealous and resentful, and hatred towards myself for being unable to have those things.

 

I know people would generally argue differently, but I'm confident I will go my entire life without having a single friend or relationship or any kind of meaningful connection with another person. And that thought makes me hurt, but I know it in my heart to be true. And that burns me up even more. I've become this horribly bitter, resentful, angry person, and I feel like I'm too far gone, at this point, and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

 

 

I wonder what do you do with most of your free time?

What did you do with your free time when you were a kid?

Did you move around a lot? What are your interests?

What do you like to do for fun? What do you feel to be your positive qualities?

Outside of your dislike of yourself due to feelings towards others. Do you think of yourself as a good person?

What reasons do you feel that your family doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

What reasons do you believe in your attempts to connect with others have rejected you?

Are you hyper focused on your own thoughts when others are around?

[Inflikted]

I wonder what do you do with most of your free time?

What did you do with your free time when you were a kid?

Did you move around a lot? What are your interests?

What do you like to do for fun?

 

As a kid, I guess my main hobbies were drawing and reading books. I didn't move around much at all, no. I moved once, from the house I grew up in, to a different house, but that was in my early teens.

 

Nowadays, I spend my free time reading comic books, playing video games, and producing videos to post to my own YouTube channel, while also perusing discussion forums for said hobbies.

 

What do you feel to be your positive qualities?

Outside of your dislike of yourself due to feelings towards others. Do you think of yourself as a good person?

 

Eh. I dunno. I used to believe that, despite my flaws, I was a nice, caring, compassionate individual, but that's not really "enough". Anyway, I'm not even sure how true any of those things are, to be honest. I've always been able to be kind, respectful, and polite to the people around me, mainly because I don't want to be a jerk, but I'm not sure that simply "not wanting to be a jerk" qualifies me as a good person.

 

I don't have enough sympathy/ empathy to do random acts of kindness/ charity; I dislike children, I dislike the elderly, I dislike the less fortunate. I imagine someone could make a very strong argument about me being a not so good person based on this quality, alone.

 

What reasons do you feel that your family doesn't want to have anything to do with you?

 

Mainly because my mom caused a bunch of trouble with all of the extended family, and I'm "guilty by association", and unfortunately, everyone in my family is very stubborn when it comes to holding grudges. They all live out of state, anyway, so it'd be nigh impossible to get in touch with them, anyway. Even when we're together, though, they just won't have it. Some of them came in for a funeral a couple of years ago, and they practically treated me like I was a total stranger.

 

What reasons do you believe in your attempts to connect with others have rejected you?

 

Are you asking why I actually think I've "failed" with people, or are you asking how I know they've rejected me? If you're asking why I "failed", I honestly don't know. Social interactions are completely foreign to me, and as hard as I tried, it just seems like no one has any real patience or understanding for someone of my age being so socially ignorant.

 

If you're asking how I know I've been rejected, well, I tend to find myself in situations where people try to socialize with me for a time, and I try my hardest to reciprocate, but their interest seems to peter out very quickly, and they start becoming more and more distant, and then they stop including me, and then they just kind of disconnect from me completely.

 

Are you hyper focused on your own thoughts when others are around?

 

I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I don't think so, no.

[Search4clarity]

Me too .. ..

[digdug75]

First of all thank you for taking the time to reply to my questions. I was just wondering if by asking these questions I could better understand your situation. That I might have something to offer you that might help you and your desire to have companionship.

 

 

As a kid, I guess my main hobbies were drawing and reading books. I didn't move around much at all, no. I moved once, from the house I grew up in, to a different house, but that was in my early teens.

 

 

Ok so you have mostly grown up in one house. Just kind of doesn't make sense to me right now. Referring to being a lone before teen years. I didn't have any friends till about 13, I did play and inner act with other kids while outside sometimes. Although when I was growing up it was a punishment to be inside the house. Did you live in a gated community or something? Were you not allowed to go outside due to overprotective parents?

 

Nowadays, I spend my free time reading comic books, playing video games, and producing videos to post to my own YouTube channel, while also perusing discussion forums for said hobbies.

 

 

I see! Have you ever gone to a comicon event? Do people respond and like your youtube videos posted? In your pursuit in forums of said hobbies. Do you have the same dislike for them also?

 

 

Eh. I dunno. I used to believe that, despite my flaws, I was a nice, caring, compassionate individual, but that's not really "enough". Anyway, I'm not even sure how true any of those things are, to be honest. I've always been able to be kind, respectful, and polite to the people around me, mainly because I don't want to be a jerk, but I'm not sure that simply "not wanting to be a jerk" qualifies me as a good person.

 

 

Isn't not wanting to be a "jerk" an act of kindness? I mean to me not wanting to be a jerk shows that you care. Otherwise you would just be a jerk. Not giving a rats ass!

 

I don't have enough sympathy/ empathy to do random acts of kindness/ charity; I dislike children, I dislike the elderly, I dislike the less fortunate. I imagine someone could make a very strong argument about me being a not so good person based on this quality, alone.

 

 

Just realized you are an only child. This also makes me wonder if you were neglected, abused, or bullied as a child. why do you dislike, children, elderly, and when you say less fortunate do you mean the poor/homeless or less fortunate than you? Do you come from a rich family? If you desired there are plenty of sites to help you develop sympathy/empathy. Then don't do "random" acts of charity. Maybe try joining a charity group. You may not like it a first. You intentions may not be sincere at the time, but just maybe this will help you. Just maybe if you do it long enough your outlook on people will change.

 

Mainly because my mom caused a bunch of trouble with all of the extended family, and I'm "guilty by association", and unfortunately, everyone in my family is very stubborn when it comes to holding grudges. They all live out of state, anyway, so it'd be nigh impossible to get in touch with them, anyway. Even when we're together, though, they just won't have it. Some of them came in for a funeral a couple of years ago, and they practically treated me like I was a total stranger.

 

 

I see, but that has nothing to do with you or how you acted!

 

 

Social interactions are completely foreign to me, and as hard as I tried, it just seems like no one has any real patience or understanding for someone of my age being so socially ignorant.

 

 

Are you interested in taking a class on developing social skills?

 

If you're asking how I know I've been rejected, well, I tend to find myself in situations where people try to socialize with me for a time, and I try my hardest to reciprocate, but their interest seems to peter out very quickly, and they start becoming more and more distant, and then they stop including me, and then they just kind of disconnect from me completely.

 

 

Ok! ya I was just trying to figure out what caused you to think you were being rejected.

 

 

 

I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I don't think so, no.

 

 

What I was wondering is if when you inner acting with others is if your mind always on said hobbies thinking about what you are going to do next. Instead of focusing on current subject.

 

 

well I have plenty more questions to ask you but I am not sure if you would feel me asking these questions would be redundant. So if you reply I will ask more questions. To learn more about you, and maybe at some point I will have something that will benefit you.

[Inflikted]

Ok so you have mostly grown up in one house. Just kind of doesn't make sense to me right now. Referring to being a lone before teen years. I didn't have any friends till about 13, I did play and inner act with other kids while outside sometimes. Although when I was growing up it was a punishment to be inside the house. Did you live in a gated community or something? Were you not allowed to go outside due to overprotective parents?

 

No, no gated communities or anything like that. My parents never really encouraged me to be social, and they, themselves, never had any semblance of social lives outside of home, so I didn't have anyone to really "learn" it from. My mom also kind of brainwashed me to be paranoid and distrustful towards people, which led to my shyness, but I don't necessarily feel those things now.

 

I see! Have you ever gone to a comicon event? Do people respond and like your youtube videos posted? In your pursuit in forums of said hobbies. Do you have the same dislike for them also?

 

Nah, not really interested in conventions; for one, I tend to feel like I'm not AS passionate about it as a lot of the people that go to those things. My interest level in a convention just isn't there. Not to mention, I feel like I'd be annoyed having to deal with a large grouping of people.

 

My YT channel barely gets any views, and almost never gets any kind of interactions from other people. I've accepted that it's just something I do for me, for the sake of doing it.

 

I find that most people on the discussion forums I frequent get too wrapped up in trolling and fanboy wars, and it gets super frustrating to me that it's so hard to just have good, interesting discussions there, but it's really the only way I can interact with people at all, so...

 

Just realized you are an only child. This also makes me wonder if you were neglected, abused, or bullied as a child. why do you dislike, children, elderly, and when you say less fortunate do you mean the poor/homeless or less fortunate than you? Do you come from a rich family? If you desired there are plenty of sites to help you develop sympathy/empathy. Then don't do "random" acts of charity. Maybe try joining a charity group. You may not like it a first. You intentions may not be sincere at the time, but just maybe this will help you. Just maybe if you do it long enough your outlook on people will change.

 

Never been abused or anything like that, no. Not wealthy, I was just trying to nicely refer to the homeless/ poor. I mostly find children and elderly to be annoying and obnoxious, and the few run ins I've had with the homeless, I've seen some people that are downright crazy and/ or scary.

 

Back in high school, I had to do volunteer work for a project, and it was mainly working with older people. I just... hated doing it. My heart wasn't in it, and every time I was there, I was just waiting for the clock to hit my leaving time.

 

Are you interested in taking a class on developing social skills?

 

Took a few when I was in college. Didn't really feel like I saw any benefit from them.

 

What I was wondering is if when you inner acting with others is if your mind always on said hobbies thinking about what you are going to do next. Instead of focusing on current subject.

 

Not really, no.

[clia]

You've posted a lot of threads along the same lines as this one over the years and received a lot of advice. At the end of the day, you don't seem willing to put any effort in to changing your situation. You always have an excuse. Social interactions can take practice. You are behind the curve, but that doesn't mean you can't catch up. However, you have to put yourself out there and try. Will you fail? Maybe at first, but you will get better at it. At least try. Go out and do social things. Sitting at home by yourself in front of your computer is not going to solve your problem.

 

Nowadays, I spend my free time reading comic books, playing video games, and producing videos to post to my own YouTube channel, while also perusing discussion forums for said hobbies.

 

Look for Meetup groups, clubs or other social groups in your area in your areas of interest. If you still like to read, find a book club. In my area, there are lots of walking/exploring Meetup groups. Try one of those. Try joining a foodie Meetup and go have dinner with some new people. Go to a happy hour. Join toastmasters. Go to a comic book convention for the heck of it. There are so many options out there where you can practice your social skills.

[Inflikted]

You've posted a lot of threads along the same lines as this one over the years and received a lot of advice. At the end of the day, you don't seem willing to put any effort in to changing your situation. You always have an excuse. Social interactions can take practice. You are behind the curve, but that doesn't mean you can't catch up. However, you have to put yourself out there and try. Will you fail? Maybe at first, but you will get better at it. At least try. Go out and do social things. Sitting at home by yourself in front of your computer is not going to solve your problem.

 

 

 

Look for Meetup groups, clubs or other social groups in your area in your areas of interest. If you still like to read, find a book club. In my area, there are lots of walking/exploring Meetup groups. Try one of those. Try joining a foodie Meetup and go have dinner with some new people. Go to a happy hour. Join toastmasters. Go to a comic book convention for the heck of it. There are so many options out there where you can practice your social skills.

 

Yes, but I've made different efforts over the years, and I've not had the least bit of success or progress. And that's frustrating. That's part of my current jaded, bitter attitude; nothing I've done has worked before, so I can't get myself motivated to do anything, because it all just feels so pointless to me.

 

And yes, I realize that's a problem, but I just don't know how to "come back" from this bad state of mind I've gotten myself into. I don't know how to stop being so bitter and jaded and resentful and pessimistic. It's taken over my mind too much.

[digdug75]

No, no gated communities or anything like that. My parents never really encouraged me to be social, and they, themselves, never had any semblance of social lives outside of home, so I didn't have anyone to really "learn" it from. My mom also kind of brainwashed me to be paranoid and distrustful towards people, which led to my shyness, but I don't necessarily feel those things now.

 

 

Ok this makes sense to me now! Hey this is great! I mean it was ingrained in you as you were growing up to be paranoid and distrustful and now those feelings are less intense that's awesome. Some people at the age of 50 still have not been able to get as far as you have. I think i remember you saying that shyness wasn't such a big issue for you anymore. That's cool.

 

 

Nah, not really interested in conventions; for one, I tend to feel like I'm not AS passionate about it as a lot of the people that go to those things. My interest level in a convention just isn't there. Not to mention, I feel like I'd be annoyed having to deal with a large grouping of people.

 

 

Lol ya! i have seen some youtube videos involving these conventions and some seem to go to the extreme. From what i understand so far, is that you enjoy reading comics, and these conventions swarm with people interested in the same thing. There will be people there with many different passion levels some at the same level as you. Wouldn't you like to have a friend that shard the interest in comics as you? It is just that this is where you can go where you have common ground to be able to discuss about comic books you have read. Don't you think predetermining you will be annoyed with a large group of people interested in same subject as you to be kind of self defeating? What would annoy you? i mean this seems like it would be a opportunity to step out of your comfort zone. From my end conventions seem to be more of an opportunity to get a chance to find friendship. Why not give it a try a few times? So many positive possibilities to obtain your desire.

 

My YT channel barely gets any views, and almost never gets any kind of interactions from other people. I've accepted that it's just something I do for me, for the sake of doing it.

 

 

I would ask you if i could check it one of your clips on youtube, but it is NOT a good idea to share that info. It is good to keep your identity unknown on forums in my opinion.

 

I find that most people on the discussion forums I frequent get too wrapped up in trolling and fanboy wars, and it gets super frustrating to me that it's so hard to just have good, interesting discussions there, but it's really the only way I can interact with people at all, so...

 

 

Huh! trying to figure out how you can use your ability to interact on forums and use it outside of the matrix. I mean the fact that you discuss things on forums shows that you find interest in what others have to say. You aren't rude! i got to ponder this for a while.

 

 

Back in high school, I had to do volunteer work for a project, and it was mainly working with older people. I just... hated doing it. My heart wasn't in it, and every time I was there, I was just waiting for the clock to hit my leaving time.

 

 

Being forced into volunteer work is not good for anybody and doesn't serve its righteous purpose. I was attempting to suggest finding something that you have interest in and see if there are volunteer opportunities. Maybe you do not like the fact that freeways have trash along the road, so you can volunteer to pick trash along freeway for example.

 

 

 

Took a few when I was in college. Didn't really feel like I saw any benefit from them.

 

 

There is a forum called socialanxietysupport.com, maybe there will be people that have ideas in helping you with how to overcome being annoyed with people. Some people that get annoyed have high expectations of others. Do you? What annoys you most about people? Why do those things annoy you? There may be people with the very same problem that you have and found ways to overcome.

 

 

 

There are many things that can be done if you are willing to do them. To me you seem determined to figure out this issue you have, and want to fix the problem. To obtain desired companionship.

 

 

Maybe finding new hobbies that involves the outdoors. Examples: Mountain biking, hiking, photography, bird watching, surfing, remote control airplanes, running, garage sale hunting ect...... i can only assume that the only times you go out for the most part is to get food, go to work, and get gas. Seems to me and correct me if i am wrong cause you to be in an isolated state.

 

 

Are you able to share your opinions with others without caring about what a person might think of you? do you have any interest in music, news, politics, philosophy, animals, history, science, technology, or any other such things? I ask because maybe you can pick a subject and we can discuss it here. That is if i don't annoy you! Warning comics, and games i don't have much to say about them. Are you able to accept others point of views even though they may differ from yours?

 

 

I am surprised that you do not fall into a depressive suicidal state. Good for you!!! Stay positive about yourself. Remember that nobody is perfect and all have their problems/difficulties in life. Remembering this may help you to be less annoyed with others. The fact that you recognize you what your difficulties are, and are making efforts to fix those problems says a lot of good things about you. Some people know there problems and do not care to fix. Some people are clueless to there problems. That is all i have to say i guess. If i find more information for you i will post here on your thread.

[digdug75]

@ Inflikted

 

 

There is something else i had forgotten to mention. In order to succeed at something you must continually make efforts to try again. So you find no success the few times you tried. So what you continue trying until you do reach success. It is like a video game in a way. If you can not pass a certain level in a game. You continue playing until you figure out how to pass that level. Such is life. We all have problems overcoming certain things. The point is in order to overcome those things we must continue to try, or we will never overcome.

 

 

If you are unable to do this on your own maybe it would help to try counseling. It maybe that you have an addiction of some kind which enables your Isolation. Maybe it is being on the computer, playing games, or something like that.

[Bohonia]

Here is my advice. Stop judging yourself this will allow you to stop judging others and to give them a fair chance. Give yourself a fair change to explore why you feel this way. Possibly counseling would help.

[Inflikted]

Lol ya! i have seen some youtube videos involving these conventions and some seem to go to the extreme. From what i understand so far, is that you enjoy reading comics, and these conventions swarm with people interested in the same thing. There will be people there with many different passion levels some at the same level as you. Wouldn't you like to have a friend that shard the interest in comics as you? It is just that this is where you can go where you have common ground to be able to discuss about comic books you have read. Don't you think predetermining you will be annoyed with a large group of people interested in same subject as you to be kind of self defeating? What would annoy you? i mean this seems like it would be a opportunity to step out of your comfort zone. From my end conventions seem to be more of an opportunity to get a chance to find friendship. Why not give it a try a few times? So many positive possibilities to obtain your desire.

 

Well, I just generally dislike large crowds of people. For instance, a long time ago, when I was trying to connect with people, I had went out for drinks with some coworkers a couple times at some bars, and I just hate environments where it's loud and noisy, and you have to yell to have a conversation with the person sitting right next to you, and having to manuever around herds of people, and all that. I find that very annoying.

 

Weird as it sounds, I... really don't care much about someone sharing my own interests. I mean, I like my hobbies, but I don't really care much about discussing them with others. It's just stuff I like to do in my free time.

 

Huh! trying to figure out how you can use your ability to interact on forums and use it outside of the matrix. I mean the fact that you discuss things on forums shows that you find interest in what others have to say. You aren't rude! i got to ponder this for a while.

 

If I'm being honest, I... get pretty annoyed with people on forums, as well. This kind of answers one of your other questions, but I feel this innate urge inside me to argue with someone that expresses a differing opinion than mine, but I just don't ever feel like actually arguing about it. Especially online, because again, there are so many trolls and whatnot that just try to rile people up. So I tend to just bow out of conversations online fairly often.

 

But I even feel this way in person. For instance, if people around me are discussing video games, I might try to participate a little, but my own sense of self-importance tells me that my opinions are "more right" than theirs, but because I don't want to be argumentative, or seem too pushy with my own opinions, I just bow out. That's another reason I don't care about shared interests with people, because we're bound to disagree about something, and in my head, I fully believe I'm right, but I don't have the energy to try to debate about it.

 

Being forced into volunteer work is not good for anybody and doesn't serve its righteous purpose. I was attempting to suggest finding something that you have interest in and see if there are volunteer opportunities. Maybe you do not like the fact that freeways have trash along the road, so you can volunteer to pick trash along freeway for example.

 

Yeah, I dunno, there's really nothing I care about, like that. I'm not really any kind of "activist" for anything. Not to mention, selfish as it may be, I always feel too burnt out from my paying job to devote time to some cause I don't really care about that I'm not getting paid to do work for.

 

There is a forum called socialanxietysupport.com, maybe there will be people that have ideas in helping you with how to overcome being annoyed with people. Some people that get annoyed have high expectations of others. Do you? What annoys you most about people? Why do those things annoy you? There may be people with the very same problem that you have and found ways to overcome.

 

I'm not even really sure how to put it into words. I just feel like I don't want to be "bothered" by people. For example, if I'm getting my haircut, and the person cutting my hair makes chit chat, I HATE that; I kind of try to do it, just to be polite, but I just don't want to be "bothered". I dunno. I know it doesn't really make much sense, but I just find it very annoying dealing with people, in whatever capacity, yet, I want connections with people more than anything in life.

 

There's also the general "flakey"-ness of people that really aggrivates me. For instance, back when I was trying to make friends with some coworkers, every single time I'd mention hanging out or getting together to do something, I'd get lots of "Maybe", "We'll see", "I'll let you know" type answers that amounted to nothing. I hate that. I don't like having to hound people for stuff, or having to remind them a bunch of times about things, or whatever.

 

Maybe finding new hobbies that involves the outdoors. Examples: Mountain biking, hiking, photography, bird watching, surfing, remote control airplanes, running, garage sale hunting ect...... i can only assume that the only times you go out for the most part is to get food, go to work, and get gas. Seems to me and correct me if i am wrong cause you to be in an isolated state.

 

Yeah, I mean... I understand the point of suggesting trying out new hobbies, but the reason I never get anywhere with that is because there's really nothing outside of my current hobbies that I really have any kind of interest in. There's nothing I really have a desire to go out and do, and without that interest level, I don't really know of any "new hobbies" that I think might be enjoyable to me.

 

Don't get me wrong. If I had friends, or whatever, and they said "Hey, let's go do this", or something, I'm up for whatever. But when it's just me, left to my own devices, I'll just keep to myself, and do my own thing.

 

Are you able to share your opinions with others without caring about what a person might think of you? do you have any interest in music, news, politics, philosophy, animals, history, science, technology, or any other such things?

 

I'd imagine everything I wrote above probably answers this question pretty succintly.

 

I am surprised that you do not fall into a depressive suicidal state.

 

Honestly? I don't think I'd necessarily do myself in, but deep down, I do wish my life were over. Every morning when I wake up, I wish that I hadn't. I'm so fed up with the whole cycle of my life. My crappy job, my inability to find a more fulfilling job, my lack of human companionship, having to go to work and see a bunch of people around me all day that have all the things in life I wish I had. And the thought, the overwhelming belief that this is all there is for me, that this is the cycle I'll be in until the day that I die. I don't believe it gets any better for me. And to that end, I do wish my life would end.

[digdug75]

 

Weird as it sounds, I... really don't care much about someone sharing my own interests. I mean, I like my hobbies, but I don't really care much about discussing them with others. It's just stuff I like to do in my free time.

 

 

Ok then what information do you care to receive from others?

 

If I'm being honest, I... get pretty annoyed with people on forums, as well. This kind of answers one of your other questions, but I feel this innate urge inside me to argue with someone that expresses a differing opinion than mine.

 

 

Are you able to see the others point of view and why the believe the way they do?

 

my own sense of self-importance tells me that my opinions are "more right" than theirs. That's another reason I don't care about shared interests with people, because we're bound to disagree about something, and in my head, I fully believe I'm right.

 

 

Self-importance huh! do you feel any of these things apply to you. Self-centered, sense of superiority, arrogance, or vanity? Are you familiar with Ethical egoism?

 

 

I just feel like I don't want to be "bothered" by people. I know it doesn't really make much sense, but I just find it very annoying dealing with people, in whatever capacity, yet, I want connections with people more than anything in life.

 

 

Yes this doesn't make sense, because in order to have a genuine relationship you would have to be "bothered by people". To say you don't want to be bothered by people conflicts with i want connections with people more than anything in life. Another thing if you want "connections with people more than anything in life". How do you expect to obtain this desire? If it truly is something you want more than anything in life. There should be no problem with motivation or desire to change. What steps, baby steps, or efforts are in your current plan to gain connection with people? If you stay home and do not venture out, explore, try new things, or continually try until you succeed. How will you get what you want?

 

There's also the general "flakey"-ness of people that really aggrivates me. For instance, back when I was trying to make friends with some coworkers, every single time I'd mention hanging out or getting together to do something, I'd get lots of "Maybe", "We'll see", "I'll let you know" type answers that amounted to nothing. I hate that. I don't like having to hound people for stuff, or having to remind them a bunch of times about things, or whatever.

 

 

Maybe, we'll see, I'll let you know is usually a nice way of saying not interested.

 

If I had friends, or whatever, and they said "Hey, let's go do this", or something, I'm up for whatever. But when it's just me, left to my own devices, I'll just keep to myself, and do my own thing.

 

 

Ya first you would have to have friends. The only way i know of to meet or gain friends is to leave home searching at places that serve your interest. Problem is your comics, video games, and youtube seem to be your only interest. Those things do not cause you to inner act with people in the flesh.

 

 

My lack of human companionship, having to go to work and see a bunch of people around me all day that have all the things in life I wish I had.

 

 

Your own choices decide whether or not you get the things you desire most. It is not that it cannot be obtainable for you. You could choose to see a councilor, you can choose experience new things just for the heck of it. There are so many choices for you to make. Yet it seems you do not want to change your comfortable habits to achieve what you say to me the most important thing in life for you! Even though you have made some effort. you have seemed to want to stop making more efforts. i could be wrong but that is the impression i am getting.

 

 

And the thought, the overwhelming belief that this is all there is for me, that this is the cycle I'll be in until the day that I die. I don't believe it gets any better for me. And to that end, I do wish my life would end.

 

 

From your point of view what is the purpose of life? I ask this because maybe you need to explore a new belief system. Right now it seems your current belief system is keeping from obtaining what you want most.

 

I am not sure what else i can offer you. There are others more qualified to help you then me. My words are only opinions you can take them or leave them. At some point in your life to obtain what you want you will have to change something.

[Inflikted]

Ok then what information do you care to receive from others?

 

I don't really know. For the most part, I just can't really bring myself to care, or to have any real interest. I don't purposely try to be closed off and disinterested in people, I just... never really feel anything for anyone.

 

Are you able to see the others point of view and why the believe the way they do?

 

To an extent, I guess. But if they're not very agreeable with my own, I just don't really have an interest.

 

Self-importance huh! do you feel any of these things apply to you. Self-centered, sense of superiority, arrogance, or vanity? Are you familiar with Ethical egoism?

 

I don't know about vanity or straight up arrogance, but I feel like everyone I've interacted with has demonstrated to me that I'm not a priority and that I'm not worth their time. So in a way, that's driven me to a point of being overly self-absorbed, because in my mind, if I'm not worth anyone else's time, why should anyone else be worth my time? If I'm not good enough for anyone else, why should anyone be good enough for me? If no one else cares about me, why should I care about anyone else?

 

Also, as I said before, extreme stubborness seems to run in my family, and I admit I've picked up that trait, as well.

 

Yes this doesn't make sense, because in order to have a genuine relationship you would have to be "bothered by people". To say you don't want to be bothered by people conflicts with i want connections with people more than anything in life. Another thing if you want "connections with people more than anything in life". How do you expect to obtain this desire? If it truly is something you want more than anything in life. There should be no problem with motivation or desire to change. What steps, baby steps, or efforts are in your current plan to gain connection with people? If you stay home and do not venture out, explore, try new things, or continually try until you succeed. How will you get what you want?

 

I just don't feel there's any kind of "path" to follow to get me where I want to be. It all just seems so foggy and unclear to me. Again, I understand the idea of going out and doing things, and finding new hobbies that get me out into the world, but how do I do that when I have no real interest in anything? Sure, I could just randomly try stuff, but never have I found myself sticking with something I've tried randomly with no prior inclination towards. Everything that's become a regular activity for me is something that started with me thinking "Hey, that seems interesting to me, I want to give that a try".

 

But I haven't felt that in a very long time. I'm not trying to be difficult, I just genuinely don't know what to do with myself. I appreciate the suggestions people have offered, but I can't just force myself to like something or have an interest in something. I either do or I don't.

 

I'm well aware that I'm not going to "meet people" by sitting at home, but even when I'm out amongst people, I still don't connect well with them. I spent five years taking classes in college, then another year of classes at a trade school. And in every single instance, I was surrounded by tons of people I could've tried to befriend and connect with, but I just didn't. They were just "people I knew from class". Same with work. I've known tons of different coworkers over the years, but I've not "connected" with any of them. They just become people I know only at a specific activity, and the extent I even interact with them at said activity is often iffy at best.

 

Maybe, we'll see, I'll let you know is usually a nice way of saying not interested.

 

Yeah, I guess. But I just don't get it. I mean, if I wait for people to come to me, it never happens, and people just think I don't want to spend time with them. But if I make the effort and try to set up interactions with them, I'm met with flakey answers and I get brushed off. I feel like I just can't win, with people. In a way, it feels like socializing and having relationships with people is all some big stupid game, these days, and I don't like that.

 

Yet it seems you do not want to change your comfortable habits to achieve what you say to me the most important thing in life for you! Even though you have made some effort. you have seemed to want to stop making more efforts. i could be wrong but that is the impression i am getting.

 

I just feel like every decision I make is the wrong one, and that even if I manage to have something good going for a while, I inevitably find a way to ruin it, or otherwise push it out of my life. It's not that I'm unwilling to make change or make efforts, but I just feel like the result is exactly the same, whether I'm sitting at home or out doing whatever. If I'm going to be stuck in the same situation either way, why even bother expending the energy to get out and do whatever?

 

And again, it comes back to the "whatever", as well. Like I said, I don't really feel like I know WHAT to do or WHERE to go. When I have no inclination, when there's no kind of "right" way to get me where I want to be, when I'm just faced with a giant question mark with nothing more than vague abstract "possibilities", I just can't feel any sense of motivation for anything.

 

It's like I've been lost in the woods for ages, without any idea how to get out, and I've been unknowingly walking in circles the entire time. I've lost faith that I can find my way out, and I'm a hairs breadth away from just laying down to die.

 

From your point of view what is the purpose of life? I ask this because maybe you need to explore a new belief system. Right now it seems your current belief system is keeping from obtaining what you want most.

 

I dunno, I never really think about it in that way. I don't know about "purpose", but the life I've always desired is one in which I have "loved ones", people I love and care for, and people who feel likewise for me. Friends, a signficant other, whatever. People I can spend time with, talk to, go on adventures with... People I can share my life with.

[digdug75]

@ Inflikted

Quote:

 

Ok then what information do you care to receive from others?

I just... never really feel anything for anyone.

 

 

Quote:

Self-importance huh! do you feel any of these things apply to you. Self-centered, sense of superiority, arrogance, or vanity? Are you familiar with Ethical egoism?

but I feel like everyone I've interacted with has demonstrated to me that I'm not a priority and that I'm not worth their time. So in a way, that's driven me to a point of being overly self-absorbed, because in my mind, if I'm not worth anyone else's time, why should anyone else be worth my time? If I'm not good enough for anyone else, why should anyone be good enough for me? If no one else cares about me, why should I care about anyone else?

 

 

I don't see how you can justify that thought process! I have looked at your statistics. You have made many posts. You have had many reply's to some posts. I have not read the post but the fact that people have replied shows an amount of caring and concern for your wellbeing. People in this site have shown you that you are worth there time by responding to you.

 

Also, as I said before, extreme stubborness seems to run in my family, and I admit I've picked up that trait, as well.

 

 

The opposite of being stubborn is being humble. Research on how to be humble. You have also posted Self-absorbed(opposite is selflessness) Self-important(opposite is humility). These are your words that you used to describe yourself. If you would even if you know what they mean. Look those words up on google read definition and synonyms. See if those words truly describe you. All those words you have used to describe you have something in common. Research motivation and how to become motivated. Spend more time thinking about your positive traits finding out what they are and build on those. Some of your replies have caused me to thing that only your opinion is what matters. So it would be very hard for anybody to give you information if you don't think it applies or you disagree with what is said, or you don't think it will work. So I can only see you doing research for yourself. Check subject like types of social anxiety, isolation, depression, and see if they apply to you. See if you can find information on how to over come these things. look into caring ,selflessness , empathy, and sympathy. Research on how to gain the qualities.

 

 

I just don't feel there's any kind of "path" to follow to get me where I want to be. Again, I understand the idea of going out and doing things, and finding new hobbies that get me out into the world

 

 

This is just one path

 

but how do I do that when I have no real interest in anything?

 

 

You just recently expressed you felt that gaining companionship is the most important thing in your life. Is that not an interest? How can you use your interest in companionship to explore new things that would provide for your interest in companionship?

 

 

Sure, I could just randomly try stuff.

 

 

Then do you it, no buts. Point is to keep trying.

 

 

Everything that's become a regular activity for me is something that started with me thinking "Hey, that seems interesting to me, I want to give that a try".

 

 

I understand this. Hmmm Do you like fruits? Do you like grapes? Have you ever heard of a fruit called Rambutan? If not it looks very unappealing and normally I would have no interest and trying such a thing. A friend suggested I try this fruit and that it was good. I said what the hell why not. Tried in and it tasted very similar to grapes. Point is sometimes things seem not interesting, but at times if you give it a try you might like it.

 

And in every single instance, I was surrounded by tons of people I could've tried to befriend and connect with, but I just didn't.

 

 

Those five words is what I find most interesting!

 

Quote:

Maybe, we'll see, I'll let you know is usually a nice way of saying not interested.

I don't like that.

 

 

Nobody does

 

 

Quote:

Yet it seems you do not want to change your comfortable habits to achieve what you say to me the most important thing in life for you! Even though you have made some effort. you have seemed to want to stop making more efforts. i could be wrong but that is the impression i am getting.

I just feel like every decision I make is the wrong one.

 

 

choices are made and lessons are learned. Sometimes we repeat having to start over again. It happens. People make decisions based on experience. If you have no experience how can you expect to make the right decision. Don't be so hard on yourself! Sometimes you experience first and learn to make better decisions afterwards.

 

 

I inevitably find a way to ruin it, or otherwise push it out of my life.

 

 

Why do you choose to ruin or push good things out of your life?

 

 

why even bother expending the energy to get out and do whatever?

 

 

Because companionship is the most important thing to you!

 

And again, it comes back to the "whatever", as well. Like I said, I don't really feel like I know WHAT to do or WHERE to go. When I have no inclination, when there's no kind of "right" way to get me where I want to be, when I'm just faced with a giant question mark with nothing more than vague abstract "possibilities", I just can't feel any sense of motivation for anything.

 

I'm a hairs breadth away from just laying down to die.

 

 

This why I ask about your belief system. If haven't one find one. What is faith? laying down and dying solves nothing, but it does show a red flag. Look up depression symptoms if you haven't already and see if it applies to you? One of the things about depression is lack of motivation.

 

 

Like I had said before. these are only ideas, opinions and questions. hopefully they cause you to think and ponder options. I have given you a site to try where people have same issues as you do. it is my opinion that it would be worth your while. As I have read that counseling is not an option for you.

 

I can tell your are in pain, suffering, and at this point cannot see any possible way out or fix. At this point I can only say focus on positive things. if you like movies watch an inspirational one or a comedy!

[Inflikted]

Is that not an interest? How can you use your interest in companionship to explore new things that would provide for your interest in companionship?

 

Again, I don't know the answer to that question. It's all much too abstract, for my liking. And like I said, it doesn't matter much anyway, because even when I'm around people, when I'm out in the world, I still don't connect with the people around me. I understand that I can't meet people by sitting at home, but mine is not a case where I simply need to get out more and then I'll start making friends and whatnot.

 

Why do you choose to ruin or push good things out of your life?

 

Well, obviously I don't do it on purpose.

 

Some of your replies have caused me to thing that only your opinion is what matters. So it would be very hard for anybody to give you information if you don't think it applies or you disagree with what is said, or you don't think it will work.

 

Yes, this is very much true. I don't do it to be difficult or to be a jerk, or anything, but in my mind, I'm not willing to listen to anyone else but myself. In my mind, the only one that's right about me, is me. And unfortunately, the part of me that tells me things about myself is constantly telling me that I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure, that I'm a loser, that I'm unappealing, that I'm not likable, that I'm not attractive, that I'm going to be alone for my entire life, that I'm simply not worth the world's time.

 

And it's been this way for so long that that's all I can see, anymore. My mind is simply not open to more positive thoughts and possibilities, anymore. Obviously, there's a part of me somewhere that feels immense pain over these thoughts, and that's why I continue to cry out over and over and over again, but the second anyone offers me suggestions or advice or even just kind sentiment, my inner voice kicks in and shuts all of that down, because I simply don't believe any of it.

 

That's a big reason why I question whether I may be too far gone, at this point. Nobody can help me, but I also can't help myself, either.

[digdug75]

It's all much too abstract, for my liking.

 

 

Yes it is difficult to understand. The question requires pondering, and reflecting on who you really are! The question requires you to stop beating yourself up and think of other possibilities.

 

 

And like I said, it doesn't matter much anyway, because even when I'm around people, when I'm out in the world, I still don't connect with the people around me. I understand that I can't meet people by sitting at home, but mine is not a case where I simply need to get out more and then I'll start making friends and whatnot.

 

 

Well in fact it does matter in reality! That is if your true most important desire is to have companionship! Well in fact it can be as simple as going out more. Problem is your mind is filled with negativity, filled with "buts" and "what is" causing you to make things more complicated. You have talked about people not caring about you and I have shown where you are wrong. So that form of reasoning is out the window. I suggested to you that if you do research on said problems you have. You can overcome. It is possible to gain, sympathy, humility, and empathy. You rather choose to reject. No action provides no results.

 

Well, obviously I don't do it on purpose.

 

 

Well don't mean to burst your bubble but you do, do it on purpose. It is a choice you have either premade or at the moment made. It is a choice you made on how you perceive/think of your self and how you perceive/think others think of you. You have chosen at college to put on a smile, shake hands with people and ask how they are doing. You consciously chose not to out of fear. Fear of getting out of your comfort zone. This is my opinion based on your replies. Even now you are choosing to be stubborn not willing to internally ask your self is it possible that he is right! You much rather think that the negative things you repeatedly tell yourself are true. Again that is your choice. That is your belief system. That is what is failing you in my unprofessional eyes!

 

 

 

Yes, this is very much true. I don't do it to be difficult or to be a jerk, or anything, but in my mind, I'm not willing to listen to anyone else but myself. In my mind, the only one that's right about me, is me. And unfortunately, the part of me that tells me things about myself is constantly telling me that I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure, that I'm a loser, that I'm unappealing, that I'm not likable, that I'm not attractive, that I'm going to be alone for my entire life, that I'm simply not worth the world's time.

 

 

I know! Until you choose to change that false thought process it will continue to bring you down. Your life is up to you and how you want to live your life is up to you and completely your choice. You can choose to change at any point. You just don't want to, and only you can fix that if at some point you choose to do so.

 

 

And it's been this way for so long that that's all I can see, anymore. My mind is simply not open to more positive thoughts and possibilities, anymore. Obviously, there's a part of me somewhere that feels immense pain over these thoughts, and that's why I continue to cry out over and over and over again, but the second anyone offers me suggestions or advice or even just kind sentiment, my inner voice kicks in and shuts all of that down, because I simply don't believe any of it.

 

 

I fully understand this reaction. You act as if you are the only one in this entire world that has had such feelings. I can guarantee you are not. There a many people with the exact problem as you and at some point they decided to change.

 

That's a big reason why I question whether I may be too far gone, at this point. Nobody can help me, but I also can't help myself, either.

 

 

The truth to that question about yourself is "no". At any point you can choose to change.

 

You last statement is not entirely correct either. You can be helped if you choose to let them help. Until you make that choice you are right. You can help your self, but again you would have to choose to change. Unfortunately because you choose to feel that your opinions about yourself are superior to others, it will take a choice to say to yourself maybe I am wrong.

 

 

I hope and wish the best for you! I hope you choose find positive things! I hope you choose to change and re-invent yourself as it is possible if you choose to make the effort. You are in control of you nobody else is in control of you.

Edited April 21, 2015 by digdug75

[Inflikted]

Well in fact it does matter in reality! That is if your true most important desire is to have companionship! Well in fact it can be as simple as going out more. Problem is your mind is filled with negativity, filled with "buts" and "what is" causing you to make things more complicated. You have talked about people not caring about you and I have shown where you are wrong. So that form of reasoning is out the window. I suggested to you that if you do research on said problems you have. You can overcome. It is possible to gain, sympathy, humility, and empathy. You rather choose to reject. No action provides no results.

 

I guess, but I think it's different writing stuff on a forum, and being out in the actual world. Not only is there a great layer of anonymity, but there's really nothing to writing stuff on the Internet; you just write, and people can read it whenever they want, and if they choose to respond or give input, they do so at their own leisure. Don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing anyone of "not caring", or anything like that, but it's just not the same.

 

For the last... decade, or so, online has been my only form of socialization. And that makes me sad, because it's just not really the same as actually having people around to talk to and spend time with. It's just random people behind their anonymous chosen identities saying whatever they want because they can.

 

Especially here, this is a forum specifically for people to discuss their life problems with one another. That's a specialized topic. Outside in the real world, no one cares about or wants to hear about my problems. No one out in the real world wants to be there for me.

 

The thing is, I think I express myself much better in writing than I do in words. I guess that just comes with having done this for so long. But I can type up paragraphs and paragraphs, yet, I'd never be able to recite the things I say here as fluently and concisely in a verbal way. Half the time, I can't even think of anything to even say, whether it's starting a conversation, or just taking part it in. For example, today at work, one of my coworkers was telling me about some guy he knows that runs a shop and fixes up motorcycles, and I just kind of politely listened, nodded, and said "Mhmm", but I had no input. I didn't really "care", and I had nothing of value to add in response. That's how I feel about 99.99% of the time I'm around people.

 

Well don't mean to burst your bubble but you do, do it on purpose. It is a choice you have either premade or at the moment made. It is a choice you made on how you perceive/think of your self and how you perceive/think others think of you. You have chosen at college to put on a smile, shake hands with people and ask how they are doing. You consciously chose not to out of fear. Fear of getting out of your comfort zone. This is my opinion based on your replies. Even now you are choosing to be stubborn not willing to internally ask your self is it possible that he is right! You much rather think that the negative things you repeatedly tell yourself are true. Again that is your choice. That is your belief system. That is what is failing you in my unprofessional eyes!

 

Every time I've come close to having people in my life, I've found myself in the same cycle. They're initially receptive towards me and try to include me; we hang out a couple of times as a group; they start "forgetting" about me and not including me anymore; I get flustered and start getting a bit clingy, in fear that I wasn't making enough efforts to connect with them; they pull away more and more, until I'm pretty much cut out completely.

 

And the thing is, in my mind, I try to stop myself from getting crazy or stupid, or whatever, but once I'm actually in a situation, my emotions lead me to making those poor choices. For instance, with the girl I had a thing for, before I asked her out, I kept prepping myself mentally for rejection. I kept telling myself "If she says no, it's okay, it'll be fine, you'll be cool about it, you won't make a big deal about it, you and her will still be friends, and it won't be a big deal at all". I kept repeating that to myself over and over and over and over. Then the moment comes and... all that prep is just out the window, and I foolishly do what I always do when someone starts pulling away from me.

 

That's what happens every time I'm in a situation like that, where I'm trying to have a connection with another person.

 

You last statement is not entirely correct either. You can be helped if you choose to let them help. Until you make that choice you are right. You can help your self, but again you would have to choose to change. Unfortunately because you choose to feel that your opinions about yourself are superior to others, it will take a choice to say to yourself maybe I am wrong.

 

Yeah, I know. I've basically put myself into an impossible situation. The only person I'm willing to listen to is me, and that inner voice says that I'm a worthless lost cause. I don't know how to "change". I realize how difficult and frustrating it is to respond to me, at this point. Perhaps that's one reason people don't like me very much, because I'm a frustrating individual. I don't mean to be. But my mind seems to not quite "work" the way it does for the average person. I don't know what it is. I just feel like someone who's completely and totally given up, and I don't have the slightest idea how to undo that or how to bring myself back from that.

[Satu]

What kind of a person would you like to be?

[clia]

I don't think you are too far gone.

 

You are only 26 years old with many, many years ahead of you. Do you really want to keep living like this?

 

Unfortunately for you, to find the solution to your problem you do have to step out of your comfort zone and change your way of thinking. You can do that, if you want to do it.

[Inflikted]

What kind of a person would you like to be?

 

I don't know. I just wish I could be... "normal". Truth be told, as bitter and resentful as I am, at least some of that anger and hatred is directed at myself, because I just can't be a normal social person, like everyone around me.

[digdug75]

I guess, but I think it's different writing stuff on a forum, and being out in the actual world. Not only is there a great layer of anonymity, but there's really nothing to writing stuff on the Internet; you just write, and people can read it whenever they want, and if they choose to respond or give input, they do so at their own leisure. Don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing anyone of "not caring", or anything like that, but it's just not the same.

 

 

Look Inflikted there is a lot that goes on in writing and replying to post. At least in my case. I spend time thinking about a person's situation and try to put myself in there shoes. I spend time researching when I am not sure about how to come up with solutions for a persons problem. Choosing to respond at own leisure happens in "real world" also. Some subjects when socializing with other face to face involves a think process that takes time for some people. If I knew you in the "real world". I would be telling you the same thing. The only thing different is that I would be spending more time with you in "real world". The problem with the net and forums is that it doesn't show the effort others put into helping. You just see the message. You don't see the process it tool to send message.

 

 

It's just random people behind their anonymous chosen identities saying whatever they want because they can.

 

 

When socializing with other people outside of net face to face people still say whatever they want because they can. Random people come in and out of your life every day. This is where you can make a choice. You can choose to put a smile on your face and say hi how are you doing, or you can ignore them. Just as you do here on forum.

 

Outside in the real world, no one cares about or wants to hear about my problems. No one out in the real world wants to be there for me.

 

 

This is false not true. No one would suggest you have met the over 6 billion people that exist in this world. In the real world no one wants to be there for you. HUH! It seems to me the amount of no one if very few. It seems to me that you have not put yourself in a place where people can be there for you. while counseling may not be an option for you, and I can only assume it is due to financial reasons. There are free self help groups that do exist. Assuming you live in America. Believe it or not I am a real person. I am doing whatever is possible to be there for you, and granted I am limited.

 

The thing is, I think I express myself much better in writing than I do in words. I'd never be able to recite the things I say here as fluently and concisely in a verbal way.

 

 

This takes practice and not everybody can say things as fluently as they would write them. In fact I think most have a hard time with this. Nothing bad it is just because they are 2 different processes.

 

 

Half the time, I can't even think of anything to even say, whether it's starting a conversation, or just taking part it in. For example, today at work, one of my coworkers was telling me about some guy he knows that runs a shop and fixes up motorcycles, and I just kind of politely listened, nodded, and said "Mhmm", but I had no input. I didn't really "care", and I had nothing of value to add in response.

 

 

This is the thing! You ask questions when you don't know what to say. Attempt, or make an effort to learn more about topic by asking questions. This shows interest even though you may not be. It is an opportunity to learn something new. It is not required to have input to add. Very few people if any are masters of all subjects. Starting a conversation can be so simple. All you would have to do is ask a question about the other person. Most people like talking about themselves. You can talk about he weather if all else fails and sometimes it sparks other thoughts to either gradually change subject or stay on subject.

 

 

 

Every time I've come close to having people in my life, I've found myself in the same cycle. a bit clingy, in fear that I wasn't making enough efforts to connect with them;

 

 

What sticks out most about what you posted is that you have come close to having people in your life. Some other things that stick out is, same cycle, bit clingy, and fear. Coming close to having people in your life shows some positive feed back to your efforts. In my opinion. Being clingy can be researched by you. Understanding why you are clingy is helpful. You can find ways on the net to avoid being cling or triggers that cause one to be clingy. Cycles can be recognized and changed. Fear can also be researched, understood and changed. Again your life your choices, your efforts. You only get out of it what you put into things at times.

 

I try to stop myself from getting crazy or stupid.

 

 

How do you try?

 

 

my emotions lead me to making those poor choices. This site would be a good read about emotions. i am not sure if i am allowed to post sites. i haven't fully red rules just glanced them over. Where do your emotions come from?

 

 

For instance, with the girl I had a thing for, before I asked her out, I kept prepping myself mentally for rejection.

 

 

This is the problem. Thinking you know the outcome of future. Preparing your self for rejection is self defeating. It comes with the thought why even try I am going to get rejected anyways. Focus on actual moment vs. possible future. On the other hand if you have some kind of insight of the future. I wouldn't mind you giving me some future lottery numbers.

 

 

I foolishly do what I always do when someone starts pulling away from me.

 

 

what do you usually do? Get clingy, over react due to fear?

 

I've basically put myself into an impossible situation.

 

 

It is nothing you can't change if you choose to do so.

 

 

I don't know how to "change".

 

 

Make a choice that requires you to change!

 

 

I realize how difficult and frustrating it is to respond to me.

 

 

The only difficult part in responding to you is not being able to do it face to face. I don't find it frustrating. Challenging yes! no offense!

 

 

I just feel like someone who's completely and totally given up, and I don't have the slightest idea how to undo that or how to bring myself back from that.

 

 

Again giving up resolves nothing! You don't have the slightest idea! Huh! There are many options, but because you are unwilling to except others input you will have to do things on your own. That means research on your own and come to your own conclusions and possible solutions to try.

 

 

 

 

Letting your self fade away and die. Is unrealistic. Death resolves nothing, no evidence that you no longer have to deal with you once you are dead. The outcome of death is just unknown. Why gamble on an outcome that can turn out to be worse. You are very capable of causing life to be better for yourself. Just boils down to choice.