I'm a serial cheater and I want to know why I do it

[MoreFire]

I never feel guilty about it ,I actually like the power of having some sort of upper hand or other option,I love being liked and feel like I m special although I m rather insecure in some life areas ad often overthink and overanalyse things . I don't usually do during the "in love " stage but it really has nothing to do with feelings ,I see my relationship and affairs as two separate things . I m a very nice and loving person so no one ever suspects I m this way .

I m entitled and although I m able to be submissive I always do it so I can get what I want . When I m in love I put my partner first even aquire his hobbies or personality traits . I hate not getting things my way at the time I want but I m hardly confrontational ,matter of fact I hate arguments as I can have a temper and end up saying the wrong things .

I have empathy towards children animals and elderlies or people suffering in general,but I don't think I have much empathy for anyone else .

I just don't think I can ever be faithful or if I have any personality disorder .

Do you guys see any traits of something specific ?

[Satu]

Learn to be exactly the same person on the inside and on the outside.

 

At that point your troubles will be over, and you'll be a happier person.

[MoreFire]

Learn to be exactly the same person on the inside and on the outside.

 

At that point your troubles will be over, and you'll be a happier person.

 

I don't feel I m doing anything wrong though,in a way I don't feel like I m hurting anyone if they don't know about it as I don't feel guilt for it.

[Satu]

You really need to get to know yourself, because at the moment you don't.

 

Therapy would help.

[SycamoreCircle]

I never feel guilty about it ,I actually like the power of having some sort of upper hand or other option,I love being liked and feel like I m special although I m rather insecure in some life areas ad often overthink and overanalyse things . I don't usually do during the "in love " stage but it really has nothing to do with feelings ,I see my relationship and affairs as two separate things . I m a very nice and loving person so no one ever suspects I m this way .

I m entitled and although I m able to be submissive I always do it so I can get what I want . When I m in love I put my partner first even aquire his hobbies or personality traits . I hate not getting things my way at the time I want but I m hardly confrontational ,matter of fact I hate arguments as I can have a temper and end up saying the wrong things .

I have empathy towards children animals and elderlies or people suffering in general,but I don't think I have much empathy for anyone else .

I just don't think I can ever be faithful or if I have any personality disorder .

Do you guys see any traits of something specific ?

You know precisely all of the things which you question. You rule us, your conscience, obsolete. There's nothing we can tell you that you don't already know.

 

But I can summarize your post:

 

-Power hungry

-Manipulator

-Attention seeking

-Insecure

-Compartmentalizing

-Actor

-Feelings of entitlement

-Shapeshifter and absorber of other identities

-Selfish

-Conflict-avoidant

-Mean

-No empathy

 

What more do you want me to tell you?

 

I do suspect this goes back to your relationship with your parents. Was your mother by turns coddling and intrusive? Talk a little about your relationship with your parents.

[Woggle]

Think about how you would feel if somebody betrayed you like that.

[Satu]

Think about how you would feel if somebody betrayed you like that.

 

He seems cut off from his feelings; estranged from himself.

[LifeWasted]

You answered your own question with the first sentences of your post.

 

You cheat because you like cheating. Or because you think you like it.

 

It really is that simple.

[MoreFire]

You know precisely all of the things which you question. You rule us, your conscience, obsolete. There's nothing we can tell you that you don't already know.

 

But I can summarize your post:

 

-Power hungry

-Manipulator

-Attention seeking

-Insecure

-Compartmentalizing

-Actor

-Feelings of entitlement

-Shapeshifter and absorber of other identities

-Selfish

-Conflict-avoidant

-Mean

-No empathy

 

What more do you want me to tell you?

 

I do suspect this goes back to your relationship with your parents. Was your mother by turns coddling and intrusive? Talk a little about your relationship with your parents.

 

This is Intersting .

The first years of my life my mother was at work and I was at my granma s most of the day ,i preferred her to my mother because she gave me freedom and never pushed me to do anything . My mother always been authoritarian ,emotionally and physically abusive ,critical of pretty much everything I did ,she never really took in consideration my feelings and everything she said had to be done .I always resented her for this . She always blame me in any situation ,even with strangers ,they were more important than me ,my feelings were often dismissed . She had moments of love and others of explosive rage where she d beat me and curse me ,I vividly remember envying other children who had loving parents who pushed them to be their best while I had a mother who always pointed out my flaws and dismissed my qualities .

Since a young age she said my legs were fat ,that my hair was too frizzy ,my nose was not straight ,I was given two nicknames , little dummy for not being great at maths at the age of 7 ,and Miss Fat belly at the age of 6.

At 18 I had anorexia ad bulimia .

 

My dad always been pretty much a self absorbed wimp ,and never really got involved in anything .He s quite cold and dismissive aswell and submissive to my mother who abuses him aswell.

Edited April 19, 2015 by MoreFire

[MoreFire]

I don't think I m mean or lack empathy at all ,if that was the case I wouldn't worry or overanalyse things . I always hate hearing children cry and feel love towards them . I feel great love towards my daughter ,so much I put myself aside for the first 2 years of her life . She s now 5 .

When it comes to cheating however I don't feel anything.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is Intersting .

The first years of my life my mother was at work and I was at my granma s most of the day ,i preferred her to my mother because she gave me freedom and never pushed me to do anything . My mother always been authoritarian ,emotionally and physically abusive ,critical of pretty much everything I did ,she never really took in consideration my feelings and everything she said had to be done .I always resented her for this . She always blame me in any situation ,even with strangers ,they were more important than me ,my feelings were often dismissed . She had moments of love and others of explosive rage where she d beat me and curse me ,I vividly remember envying other children who had loving parents who pushed them to be their best while I had a mother who always pointed out my flaws and dismissed my qualities .

Since a young age she said my legs were fat ,that my hair was too frizzy ,my nose was not straight ,I was given two nicknames , little dummy for not being great at maths at the age of 7 ,and Miss Fat belly at the age of 6.

At 18 I had anorexia ad bulimia .

 

My dad always been pretty much a self absorbed wimp ,and never really got involved in anything .He s quite cold and dismissive aswell and submissive to my mother who abuses him aswell.

 

So the two models you had were aggressive authoritarian or totally weak wimp.

 

So you chose: appear to be nice and compliant because you don't want to be like your mother. But since you don't know how to assert yourself or actually figure out what you are feeling and really stand up for that (probably without exploding) ...........You still don't want to knuckle under and take it like your father did............you strike back at the supposed slights by cheating.

 

You are the female form of my husband.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think I m mean or lack empathy at all ,if that was the case I wouldn't worry or overanalyse things . I always hate hearing children cry and feel love towards them . I feel great love towards my daughter ,so much I put myself aside for the first 2 years of her life . She s now 5 .

When it comes to cheating however I don't feel anything.

 

Because you think you need it to cope?

 

And being without the option would make you feel trapped or uncomfortable?

[Satu]

I don't think I m mean or lack empathy at all ,if that was the case I wouldn't worry or overanalyse things . I always hate hearing children cry and feel love towards them . *I feel great love towards my daughter ,so much I put myself aside for the first 2 years of her life . She s now 5 .

When it comes to cheating however I don't feel anything.

 

*You are full of conflicts and inconsistencies. Things that don't line up and fit together.

 

You're actually quite wounded.

 

That's why you are cut off from your feelings.

 

You need to be mended.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Satu

[MoreFire]

*You are full of conflicts and inconsistencies. Things that don't line up and fit together.

 

You're actually quite wounded.

 

That's why you are cut off from your feelings.

 

You need to be mended.

 

What I mean by putting myself aside is I completely dedicated myself to her to the point she was my everything ,I loved it as stressful as it was ,we have a great relationship and attachment but now as she s a bit older i regained a bit of life .

[MoreFire]

Because you think you need it to cope?

 

And being without the option would make you feel trapped or uncomfortable?

 

Exactly this . Relationships in general make me feel trapped ,the idea of being with one person for the rest of my life scares me but at the same time I m able to love intensely . All i know is that some point in the relationship ,I feel the need of external stimulation perhaps as a way to be one step ahead ,I don't know how to describe it.

For instance ,today a man gave me his business card ,I won't call him but the feeling I have yet another option give me a sense of power .

Edited April 20, 2015 by MoreFire

[Satu]

What I mean by putting myself aside is I completely dedicated myself to her to the point she was my everything ,I loved it as stressful as it was ,we have a great relationship and attachment but now as she s a bit older i regained a bit of life .

 

I wasn't discussing that. I'm commenting on the inconsistencies in your psyche. The parts which are in conflict, creating tension in you.

 

In some instances you are loving and caring, whilst in others you are unloving and uncaring.

 

You say you want to know why you cheat?

 

The answer to that lies in the part of yourself which you cannot accept, which you have covered with unconsciousness.

 

It's classically Neurotic.

 

If you had a unified psyche, you wouldn't flip-flop between loving and unloving, caring and uncaring.

 

You need to get to know yourself, because the bits of yourself which you disown hold the key to your growth and eventual happiness.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Satu

[dreamingoftigers]

Exactly this . Relationships in general make me feel trapped ,the idea of being with one person for the rest of my life scares me but at the same time I m able to love intensely . All i know is that some point in the relationship ,I feel the need of external stimulation perhaps as a way to be one step ahead ,I don't know how to describe it.

For instance ,today a man gave me his business card ,I won't call him but the feeling I have yet another option give me a sense of power .

 

Thank you very much for posting.

 

You've actually helped me a great deal by posting the bolded.

 

I know that you want to figure your own stuff out but there were some very hurtful things in my own relationship, like the deception and it almost seemed like he was perhaps laughing behind my back.

 

But this fits perfectly. It was a missing piece of the puzzle for me. It was almost like it wasn't really about cheating at all, but by trying to somehow outplan and outsmart me. And it would often become a huge part of our conflicts if I discovered something. Not even because he was caught per se, but because I must have been looking. I caught up or at least got closer.

 

He seemed insecure about me being smart.

 

It was almost like he would find a problem for every solution instead of the solution. He wanted the comfort without the commitment. He wanted the security, but more in the sense that the house was conquered and wouldn't "rise up against his freedom or trap him." I believe that you and he are very similar personality types. In fact, when I started to read your opening post I actually wondered if you were my husband posting under a pseudonym at first. I have been with him for almost ten years, as much as one can be with him.

 

Look again at your role-models. Another similarity I might add. Aggressive, shaming, overbearing, insulting, embarrassing mother. Checked out and passive father.

 

Yes, you are very afraid of being trapped because you know exactly what that feels like and looks like.

 

My mother had depression. As a child it seemed like, best I can describe it, the gray clouds came along one day, fogged up her mind and carried her away. She was very checked out to my father's abuse of me. I was anxious and she would make excuses for him. (i.e. "he's stressed" etc.)

 

I understand fully that feeling of a home with a family being a prison.

 

But here is the true irony: cheating is really the cage, you depend on it to hold onto your self-esteem and personal power. It is a cage of your own making. It keeps you from being able to shut off the fear in your head of being trapped by your family and commitments etc. You know that it is destructive. Perhaps you have not been convicted on the loss of it yet.

 

But it also keeps you from exploring how you yourself really feel and what you truly want. As long as you have your deep dark secrets, you can feel a temporary high of being in control of the situation, but truly you are helpless against it. The consequences are brewing and you are putting yourself and your daughter at a very high emotional risk. The fallout for your five year-old (I have one myself) of being in a household where infidelity is discovered is, well, explosive, painful and searing.

 

I discovered my father's infidelity and it marked me in ways that I have not fully been able to claim. And I am 32. I stumbled upon it in my twenties and it greatly shook my worldview. It shattered most of the remaining pieces of my childhood as well. Because they fell into context, I understood more of what went on. I saw in the room I was never supposed to see. Almost literally.

 

It is actually probably the sole reason I have not myself cheated. I like to think of myself as "greatly moral" or whatever, but when push comes to shove, I am not. I am simply not. My character has shown some cracks over the years that I now wish to repair, but I can't deny where I am today. I have had the desire to cheat, often in fact. Fantasized about it. Even talked to my husband about having issues with it. My sex drive is high, the options available and my husband largely absentee. I doubt many would fault me. But I will not be that person, I hold stronger than the Great Wall against it. (Except I won't let any Mongols etc. sneak in the back way either. )

 

I don't want my daughter to become destructive in that way. She has enough obstacles in her path. I do not need to lay down any more for her. I am trying to be the best me that I can be so that she can feel free to be the best her that she can be.

 

What you do when you cheat is dull your feelings toward your family. It dilutes them. It saves you from having to feel that fear. So it remains unfaced. You are in essence trapped by it. You don't really know if being with your husband would be a trap or scary thing because you aren't "all in." I suspect it wouldn't be. I suspect that he actually isn't the monster you are afraid of. And your feelings might be overwhelming at first, and even really rotten for a bit. But once that pipeline starts flowing, you can find all of the positive feelings past that fear that can only exist in an intimate partnership.

 

But I digress. It is somewhat like talking the Ocean to someone who lives in the middle of the desert. That is not meant to be insulting. I just know that when I was depressed, people telling me how good I could feel seemed patronizing and abstract. It takes quite a leap of faith to believe it.

 

And frankly, my husband doesn't so.... he isn't here. He's off avoiding his personal problems all over the place. Reasserting his power by making himself as helpless as possible and throwing away everything he invested into. Kind of a theme with him. It's sad. It sounds condescending. And it kind of is. You get fed up of it after awhile.

[dreamingoftigers]

Exactly this . Relationships in general make me feel trapped ,the idea of being with one person for the rest of my life scares me but at the same time I m able to love intensely . All i know is that some point in the relationship ,I feel the need of external stimulation perhaps as a way to be one step ahead ,I don't know how to describe it.

For instance ,today a man gave me his business card ,I won't call him but the feeling I have yet another option give me a sense of power .

 

It's almost like you are telling yourself that you "wouldn't be able to do a relationship" and that "it would overpower you" if you didn't cheat.

 

Do you sincerely believe that you are that weak?

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, wow---your description of your home life fits nearly perfectly the profile of my ex-gf's home life. And your description of yourself fits perfectly my ex-gf.

 

I'm sorry for your trauma. The sins of the parents are visited upon the children. I commend you for recognizing all of the things which make your life dysfunctional. It's best for you to surround yourself with people like us who are able to tell you exactly what you're doing. Too often people who live in this kind of cycle surround themselves with enablers, people that make excuses for them. It's also best that you refrain from any sort of romantic relationships until you can begin to work these problems out. The damage and toxicity within you is only spread.

 

As others have suggested, you need long-term therapy. You need to have your weekly experiences talked about and evaluated. You need to become aware of patterns within yourself. You have never allowed yourself to be loved. You resist intimacy. You resist vulnerability. There is a giant scar that runs the length of you. Love, intimacy, vulnerability carry the price of being betrayed in your mind. Your mother and father betrayed that love. You never felt fully, completely loved by them. By betraying the love yourself with cheating, you stay one step ahead of your parents---you stay in control.

 

But what if I told you that there are people out there who will never betray their love for you? They are not like your parents. There's no hidden dagger. There's only more love, more acceptance, more understanding awaiting.

 

You can feel this. We can all experience this.

[No Limit]

A guy who wrote a similar thread to yours a few months ago had already visited a therapist and was diagnosed with sociopathic traits.

[Dork Vader]

You don't feel guilt yet are here asking about it. Why ask about it if you don't have some level of remourse?

 

One thing that stands out in all of your post is insecurity. People with low self esteem and low self worth need attention from others too fill the void of having no or little self worth.

 

Thus you get off on the attention. You also receive a false sense of control. Which also helps fill that void.

 

My advice is get into a therapist and start some soul searching. It sounds like there is a lot more going on aside from cheating. Almost every serial cheater I've known had some serious mental illnesses going on.

 

If you can't afford a therapist then start reading some books. I would personally start with the 6 pilars of self esteem.

[smackie9]

I never feel guilty about it ,I actually like the power of having some sort of upper hand or other option,I love being liked and feel like I m special although I m rather insecure in some life areas ad often overthink and overanalyse things . I don't usually do during the "in love " stage but it really has nothing to do with feelings ,I see my relationship and affairs as two separate things . I m a very nice and loving person so no one ever suspects I m this way .

I m entitled and although I m able to be submissive I always do it so I can get what I want . When I m in love I put my partner first even aquire his hobbies or personality traits . I hate not getting things my way at the time I want but I m hardly confrontational ,matter of fact I hate arguments as I can have a temper and end up saying the wrong things .

I have empathy towards children animals and elderlies or people suffering in general,but I don't think I have much empathy for anyone else .

I just don't think I can ever be faithful or if I have any personality disorder .

Do you guys see any traits of something specific ?

 

We are not doctors, we are just strangers on the net with various backgrounds and nowhere near professional therapists.

 

If you have hit rock bottom and want help, seek out a psychologist so they can make a proper diagnosis. I feel asking us will only aggravate or confuse you more, and not really get the right answers.

[MoreFire]

Thank you so much for the replies in particular to dreamingoftigers and sycamore circle ,the stories and opinions you shared touched me ,they really made me think about my behaviour under a different prespective.

.

You truly helped more than you know .

[Bohonia]

Look into narcissistic behavior also there is a book called mating intelligence you may find it quite intriguing.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you so much for the replies in particular to dreamingoftigers and sycamore circle ,the stories and opinions you shared touched me ,they really made me think about my behaviour under a different prespective.

.

You truly helped more than you know .

 

Please seek help though.

 

It can be very disheartening to look at a behaviour, try to change it and fail at it.

 

A GOOD therapist can help keep things in perspective for you.

 

Seek someone solution-oriented, realistic, empathetic and realistic.

 

Also, one that doesn't get into sharing their own personal details.

 

Every single one that I have known that gets into that is generally more trouble than help.