He took his Wedding Ring off

[oldshirt]

where I am going with this is not to put you down or rub your nose in anything but rather to get you to pull your head out of the sand with a resounding "pop!" And open your eyes and smell the air and for once really see what your reality is.

 

Once you can actually see your reality, you can take effective steps to protect yourself and even move forward with your own life.

 

This marriage is dead. Mourn it, honor it, then bury it with a dignified funeral.

 

Then you can move on with your own life (which you have been doing for years anyway).

 

You have been using up tons of energy keeping the blinders on and keeping your head in the sand and keeping up the appearances and facade of a married life.

 

Free yourself from that effort and then you can move on and live your life without having to be tied down to him and you won't have to pretend any more.

 

You can be real and you can live a real life.

 

You may even meet someone that you actually do care about and who actually cares about you.

 

Your kids will not be harmed. Kids are harmed when they are subjected to abuse, neglect, abandonment, chronic adultery and high conflict.

 

Other than the adultery, it doesn't sound like any of those things exist (and once you divorce, it won't even be adultery any more) so there is no reason to believe that both you and your STBX can't have a good coparenting relationship going into the future.

 

Children need parents who love, support and care about them. There's no reason that can't occur from two different households.

 

They aren't little kids any more. They are practically adults. They might be inconvenienced by having to take the time to go to two different Christmases, but they aren't going to be harmed or traumatized.

 

A very good argument can be made that they are being harmed MORE by living in this facade and sham of a marriage.

 

Wake up. Open your eyes. See. Accept.

 

Then get a lawyer and go to work on protecting your assets and making future plans of your own.

[clanforlife]

Thank you Oldshirt for writing such an indepth letter that has touched upon many truths.

 

From the replies here it is obvious that it is time to realize what really is, and isn't. And what can be, and what never was.

[oldshirt]

 

From the replies here it is obvious that it is time to realize what really is, and isn't. And what can be, and what never was.

 

 

 

You have already started to do this. It is already happening.

 

 

You are using the ring as a symbolic metaphor for your marriage and your reality.

 

 

I am busy with something else at the moment and will write more shortly. Stay tuned.

[cocorico]

This is one of if not the worst case of denial and head-in-the-sand that I have seen since I have been on LS. You are expending tons of energy and time to keep those thick blinders on to keep yourself from facing the facts.

 

Your marriage has been dead for many years.

 

Your husband is not wondering why you haven't asked him about the ring. He doesn't care. He also knows that you don't care about what he does. The ring is a huge nonissue here. It doesn't matter.

 

He doesn't matter to you. He knows that. He is just living his life and you are living yours. You just happen to share the same house and have biological children together.

 

You have suspected him of having an affair for years. Most people will lift a finger to do some snooping when they suspect their spouse is cheating. You haven't lifted a finger to find out because that would interfer with your PTA meetings and phone calls to your sister.

 

Your children aren't really children anymore. They are sub adults and young adults and they aren't as naive, negligent (yes, I said you are negligent) or in as much denial as you are. They know you two don't love each and couldn't care less about the other. These aren't babies and toddlers in diapers needing hands on, 24/7 care from two parents. You are just using them as an excuse to avoid the inevitable and keep your head in the sand and you very much run the risk that some day they will NOT thank you for staying together for the, but will rather be resentful that you used them as your excuse to live in the denial of a dead marriage.

 

Your husband offered you a free life on a silver platter. He offered you the opportunity to move forward with your life and end the farce of a marriage with honor and cooperation but you kept up the facade out of your own pride and selfishness because you didn't want to marked "divorced" on the marital status on a form.

 

You ignored every flapping red flag that your marriage was doomed and subjected your husband to living with a woman that didn't love or appreciate him, subjected your kids to a Cold War and role-modeled a dysfunctional and maladaptive relationship to them and you denied yourself ten years of the prime of your life to remain in a sham of a marriage. And you did all of this so you could you could pretend to be married to your family and the society ladies at school.

 

Your husband likely does have a girlfriend(s). He probably does have someone that cares for him and that he cares for.

 

What do you have? What do you have to show for all of this denial? What has all of this "sacrifice" brought you???

 

One of you is going to serve the other divorce papers one of these days. One of you is going to wake up one day and realize there is no legitimate reason to be married anymore and they are going to march down to the lawyers office and draw up the papers and file them.

 

You have a choice here. That person can be you. You can wake up and smell the coffee and take charge of your life and your own future and your destiny.

 

Or you can keep your head planted comfortably in the sand and receive the papers from him once he's all settled in with his new fiancé and they are needing to set the date for their wedding and just need the final divorce decree first.

 

Clan, the situation oldshirt describes above is very familiar to me. It's what happened to my H and his XW. When he left and divorced her so we could marry, she was completely unprepared - despite all the signs (and his telling her that that was what he planned to do). He depth of her denial has kept her trapped in the past, unable to move on. Please don't let that happen to you. You can do something about it now. If you leave it much longer, that agency will be wrested from your grip and you will no longer have the chance or the choice.

 

It's your life, your marriage, your family. Act now, or face a future not of your choosing.

[oldshirt]

....so continuing on - this has nothing to do with rings. You are not really writing about him not wearing his ring. You know why he isn't wearing it and he knows you know and he doesn't care and he doesn't wonder when you are going to bring it up because he knows you don't care and knows you aren't going to bring it up.

 

You aren't asking about the ring. You are using the ring as a symbolic metaphor for your marriage as a whole.

 

As the wedding ring is an outward public symbol of a married persons status you are using the fact he no longer wears his as a sign he is no longer trying to keep up the facade of your fake marriage.

 

You are realizing he is moving on with his life and you are questioning the rationale of whether to try to keep up appearances and keep up the facade of your sham marriage or not.

 

The kids are growing up, his financial status has decreased, it's becoming apparent to all around you that your marriage is in appearance only and the likelyhood that he is involved with someone else is all too much to continue to ignore and deny.

 

This thread is about YOU coming to terms with the death of your marriage. Not him not wearing his ring.

[georgia girl]

Clanforlife,

 

 

I think Oldshirt makes some great points about where YOU are vs. where your husband is. You are content with how things are, but I'm suspecting its not because you're content in the relationship you have with your husband but in the relationship you have with your family, your children, your house and even your social circles. Your identity is wrapped up in being married and I think you're content to stay where you are as long as you're married. It doesn't matter for you if it's good, bad or indifferent. As you point as long as you're married, you really don't care what the relationship is like.

 

 

Very gently, I'm wondering if this has been the case for years. If that somehow your husband has never really measured up to your family in your eyes. That instead, he may have spent years chasing your affection and approval and it's never been quite enough. Unfortunately, I think now he's healed and he isn't and hasn't been seeking either your approval or your affection anymore. Instead, he's waiting not to be the bad guy. I kinda think you're okay with that as long as he waits forever. I doubt that will be the case, however. I think he's sliding down that slope of walking away and I think it's only going to pick up momentum.

 

 

But in all honesty, I just don't think that you really care if he goes, do you? You're not going to miss his companionship. His sense of humor, or the scent of his cologne or his insights on any particular topic. You have very deliberately not sought that type of relationship or fulfillment from him, I fear. Instead, I think you've sought that relationship - the one you should have developed with your husband - with your family. It's okay to be close to your family - I also talk to my parents and my sisters everyday - but my husband always, always, always ranks first. He's my rock and he's my priority. I know my sisters and my parents feel the same way about their respective spouses.

 

 

I'm going to take the opposite side of most posters here and beg you to be kind and give this man his freedom. Truth be told, you checked out of this relationship years ago. You may not have had an affair, but you developed relationships outside of your marriage that were stronger than the one you had with your spouse. That, to me, is its own form of breaking your vows. Don't make him be the bad guy. Own your part and at least your half and give him a gracious exit. Your ex-spouse will one day thank you and your children will thank you.

 

 

Hopefully, some day in the near future, you will be ready for a full-time relationship and you can begin to experience one in which you both enter as partners and you both spend an equal amount of time chasing and catching. It's wonderful. It's affirming and it's incredibly loving.

 

 

My best to you. I think you are lost and I think it may just be because you always thought you knew the right way. Be open to being a little bit wrong and to being just a little bit adventurous.

 

 

To answer your original question of why he took off his ring and why you didn't ask about it... shame on both of you. He took it off to tell you he wants out. You didn't ask to make him stay. Neither of you are playing fair.

[Spectre]

I just think this is a perfect example of why people need to think long and hard before they have children. Being forced to stay in a marriage for your kids...I can't even imagine, I'd feel like a prisoner in my own home, I'd grow to hate my spouse more and more for that, and it'd probably effect the kids either way.

 

Also OP: quit with the passive aggressive comments in front of the kids. Don't play games. I also have to say if the worst admissions this man had to give you was he watched porn and had sex before you guys were together..well, that really isn't that bad. If you think it is, go look at all the other topics here of how peoples spouses treat them.

 

Also, remember when I said don't play games? If dude takes off his wedding ring and you notice, DON'T act like you didn't notice. It's a big statement for him to do it, it's an even bigger statement for you to pretend you did not notice or that you don't care.

Edited April 23, 2015 by Spectre

[Popsicle]

I remember when I was petrified of divorce and/or being alone too.

 

It takes time but you gain more confidence and get over it. Then after you're divorced for a while you see the prison you were in and how happy and free you are now, and think what the hell was I thinking.