UncleDrew Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 This is really awkward and difficult for me, but I'm desperate and thankful to anyone who can help. Sorry for the length, I need to say it. Long story short - I found out yesterday my wife cheated on me and are only 45 days in. I'm devastated and emotionally in a place that I've never experienced. I'd love to work it out, but I honestly don't know how if get past this. I'm looking for suggestions. Here are the details -I'm 27. We were together 7 years before we got married. -3 years ago she used to talk/txt an ex coworker 13 yrs older. I was very suspicious and called her out. She promised to stop -1 year ago I caught them talking on the phone and broke down after seeing they'd talk for hours. She started clearing her phone history, put-on a password and become overly sensitive to how 'controlling' I was -our relationship was falling apart. I was ready to leave over this guy, she blamed me for being emotionally and physically distant. I admit to that -we had a heart to heart and agreed to make it work. Things were the best they've ever been and we married In march And bought a house. I wasn't physically meeting her needs, but I started it get low-treatment to help. Even with that, I thought we were happy -I traveled for the work week and came home to her very upset and physically sick. She asked me to get her phone so she could listen to her book. I noticed her phone was unlocked so I checked her txt messages. -that guy txt her and said he loves and misses her and can't believe it's been a week since they made love. _I confronted her and she broke down and admitted it. He was I'm town (lives 3 hrs away) so she met him in the hotel to talk ad friends - swore it was the first conversation in months. She ****ed him. Mid day, no drinks -she swears it was a one time mistake and that she'll do anything. From the history, I just can't believe it. He's 40 she's 27 he lives 3 hrs away. I don't want to be the guy who gets divorced and sells a house one month In But I feel like I don't have a choice. I should have been there more physically but I don't think that makes it ok. She's the only person I've been with and the thought of her with someone else kills me. I really love my family with her, our pets and home. Is leaving the right move? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Leaving is the right move. You probably shouldn't have gone through with the marriage when you found the original evidence of her actions. She hasn't changed and doubt she ever will. She is only upset that you found out - not that she is guilty. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 you are newly married, but have been with her for 7 years. that IS a magic number. Lots of people get "the 7 year itch". It is potential low point in any relationship where people get sexually tempted, and the weak succumb to temptation. You mention erectile disfunction or low testosterone? well that was a know condition before the marriage, so she can not use THAT as an excuse. You just found out. it takes a lot of time to figure out if a partner really wants to reconcile or not. take some time to talk things out. see if SHE really wants to reconcile. get the details. she said it was a one night stand? confirm that. look at ALL her texts and emails. if she is withholding the full truth, that may be a deal breaker. If you can confirm it was just one incident of cheating, and she is remorseful, get some marriage counselling to help work it out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Get a lawyer and see if you can get the marriage annulled. This isn't the first time she cheated, it's just the first time you finally took your glasses off and saw her for what she really is. She's been lying and cheating throughout your whole relationship. RUN! And don't have sex with her in case she tries the pregnancy trap. RUN RUN RUN. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 She is only upset that you found out - not that she is guilty. Sell the house if you can not afford it. Dump the WW she has been cheating on you for years with this OM. You just only caught her for the first time. You are young, no kids, best to have a fresh start. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Sorry but it's very unlikely that was the only time. Chances are much better that this relationship never really ended, no matter what she says. The marriage thing is no magic bullet either. I know a woman who was in a relationship with a married man, then got into a relationship with a guy of her own while continuing the affair, geared it up to wedding bells (while continuing the affair), got married (while continuing the affair), and ....continued the affair. All without a single moment of outward hesitation or regret. (To be fair, her affair partner was the same way.) She eventually was exposed and her reaction was "f*ck you." That doesn't mean all people in affairs do it that way, but lies are part and parcel with them. You should basically assume anything she says is a lie unless and until she can substantiate it. Is that the kind of person you want to "salvage" a marriage with? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Don't let yourself be consumed with the stress of even trying to make this sham of a marriage work. She's the reason it is a sham. Do not believe it was a one time hookup either. Save your dignity and sanity and kick her to the curb. If she cheated 45 days into the M, then imagine the future of hurt and betrayal that is lying in store for you. There is never a legitimate reason to cheat, NEVER! The fact she would even try to excuse her cheating is even more reason to cut your losses and move forward with your life without her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I also don't think you want to be the guy that regrets staying with somebody who couldn't be faithful for at least two months. Contact a divorce attorney, get check for STDs, and avoid withdrawing into depression.Also, I know it's going to be difficult, but try to remain civil about everything. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marchhare Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) Not to sound harsh but you have been completely fooled by this cheater. She is only upset she got caught. In all likelihood she has been cheating on you continuously, and had absolutely no intention of stopping with her true paramour. She will now gaslight you with tears and all the right words. She has no remorse, that she betrayed you. Absolutely none. I strongly recommend you have this marriage annulled and then run. Why spend another minute let alone a lifetime with mistrust, and suspicion? You will never have the relationship you deserve. She doesn't love you, she is using you. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Now what happens the next time?????? And there will be. Dont fall for the tears, inside she's laughing at you. Wake up, find a divorce attorney immediately, and get out NOW!!! Save your dignity and self respect, don't let her use you anymore. Edited April 20, 2015 by Marchhare 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 She's a fundamentally dishonest person. Eject, eject, eject. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I'm here to echo all above posters, and probably the others about to chime in. Why waste your time? You're young. Do not continue this marriage with someone who has not been putting in the work to make it a healthy one. She couldn't care less. She's completely horse shijtting you. Don't be a fool. What kind of woman marries knowing she is having an affair. She has zero respect for you. Zero love for you, zero commitment to you or your marriage, zero shijts given to the hurt, deceit & betrayal of you. This sort of hurt chips your core. Yet, she'll try and convince you otherwise. Take control. End your marriage. This is not a union of lovers. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Also, this is very sad. I'm sorry this is going on in your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I would feel lucky that you found out so early in the marriage. I would divorce her this minute. Sorry about the years before. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 So she decided to wait until she was married to cheat? Not likely. As others mentioned, it's probably been going on for awhile. Be glad you found out early on, get out now. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 1. Get tested for STD's. 2. See a lawyer and get an annulment. I also doubt that this was her first rodeo on you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 This is not her first rodeo my friend. You will get a lot of responses and I can guarantee most of them will say the same thing . Don't dare have any children with this woman and get to an attorney S quick as you can and out her out of your life Your alternative is an open marriage that she has already created for you 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 -3 years ago she used to talk/txt an ex coworker 13 yrs older. I was very suspicious and called her out. She promised to stop -1 year ago I caught them talking on the phone and broke down after seeing they'd talk for hours. She started clearing her phone history, put-on a password and become overly sensitive to how 'controlling' I wasI noticed her phone was unlocked so I checked her txt messages. -that guy txt her and said he loves and misses her and can't believe it's been a week since they made love. Why after catching her the first two times, did you stay in a relationship with her while allowing her to get away with "clearing her phone history, put-on a password and become overly sensitive to how 'controlling'" you were? This is what happens when you do not make and enforce solid relationship boundaries, and marry someone with no history of respecting these boundaries. _I confronted her and she broke down and admitted it. He was I'm town (lives 3 hrs away) so she met him in the hotel to talk ad friends - swore it was the first conversation in months. She ****ed him. Mid day, no drinks -she swears it was a one time mistake and that she'll do anything. From the history, I just can't believe it. Why on earth would you believe that she visited "the hotel to talk as friends" (typo corrected), or that "it was a one time mistake"? Of course as a cheater she would say that. Of course she is lying. You know for a fact that she has been locking her phone and lying to you about her relationship with this guy for years. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 my man, she cheated on you 45 days into your marriage. are you really sure you want to have constant doubt about her loyalty for the next 20, 30, or even 40 years down the line? after your repeated attempts- which i see as rugsweeping -she consummated her EA by going full in with a PA. who is this OM? is he married? if so, i suggest you inform his wife about this. she has a right to know, as well. what of your wife... what has she faced in terms of consequences? you can't "nice" back into the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Divorce her. Chances are that affair had been going on a lot longer than you ever realized and she's just upset because she got caught. If you hadn't stumbled across that text, she'd still be cheating on you. Sadly, your whole marriage has been based on a lie. She threw 7 years away and new marriage too because she's selfish and NOT ready for real commitment, not ready to be a wife, or a mom. She has no boundaries and she's good at lying and pretending. Sorry for your pain. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bohonia Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 This is really awkward and difficult for me, but I'm desperate and thankful to anyone who can help. Sorry for the length, I need to say it. Long story short - I found out yesterday my wife cheated on me and are only 45 days in. I'm devastated and emotionally in a place that I've never experienced. I'd love to work it out, but I honestly don't know how if get past this. I'm looking for suggestions. Here are the details -I'm 27. We were together 7 years before we got married. -3 years ago she used to talk/txt an ex coworker 13 yrs older. I was very suspicious and called her out. She promised to stop -1 year ago I caught them talking on the phone and broke down after seeing they'd talk for hours. She started clearing her phone history, put-on a password and become overly sensitive to how 'controlling' I was -our relationship was falling apart. I was ready to leave over this guy, she blamed me for being emotionally and physically distant. I admit to that -we had a heart to heart and agreed to make it work. Things were the best they've ever been and we married In march And bought a house. I wasn't physically meeting her needs, but I started it get low-treatment to help. Even with that, I thought we were happy -I traveled for the work week and came home to her very upset and physically sick. She asked me to get her phone so she could listen to her book. I noticed her phone was unlocked so I checked her txt messages. -that guy txt her and said he loves and misses her and can't believe it's been a week since they made love. _I confronted her and she broke down and admitted it. He was I'm town (lives 3 hrs away) so she met him in the hotel to talk ad friends - swore it was the first conversation in months. She ****ed him. Mid day, no drinks -she swears it was a one time mistake and that she'll do anything. From the history, I just can't believe it. He's 40 she's 27 he lives 3 hrs away. I don't want to be the guy who gets divorced and sells a house one month In But I feel like I don't have a choice. I should have been there more physically but I don't think that makes it ok. She's the only person I've been with and the thought of her with someone else kills me. I really love my family with her, our pets and home. Is leaving the right move? Please help. What do you FEEL honestly is the right thing for YOU? If you stay will you resent her and question her every move knowing she betrayed you and lied to you over the last few years or can you make peace with it? Honestly ask yourself. A homes can be sold you can move on however a life spent with pain on the heart can end up diminishing a relationship over the short or long term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author UncleDrew Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 All - thank you so much for your honesty and helpfulness. She said she do anything so I made her handover the Verizon password. From the logs, I can see 6 trips towards his side of the state all on weekends I traveled. They've also talked for 1,400 minutes since we were married. You guys helped me see the pattern and put it together. Thank you so much for helping me see what she is, was and always will be. I'm taking off tomorrow to talk to an attorney. 22 Link to post Share on other sites
I_Give_Up67 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Good luck Drew! You have a whole life in front of you and you deserve to be happy! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 All - thank you so much for your honesty and helpfulness. She said she do anything so I made her handover the Verizon password. From the logs, I can see 6 trips towards his side of the state all on weekends I traveled. They've also talked for 1,400 minutes since we were married. You guys helped me see the pattern and put it together. Thank you so much for helping me see what she is, was and always will be. I'm taking off tomorrow to talk to an attorney. She is acting out of pure desperation right now, she's emotional and probably hysterical and will say anything to try to keep you from leaving and divorcing her. Glad you're talking to a lawyer. Her loss and better for you to know now rather than 10 years from now with a few kids in tow. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Uncle Drew Don't just talk to the attorney. Have him draw up the divorce papers and give them to her before her next trip across the state when you next go out of town. Then tell her to stay there You have dodged a major bullet even though it may not feel like it now. Just think of the nightmare in store for you if you had kids with her. Stay strong and do not wager in getting rid of her 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 i suggest you tell your wife nothing of your intentions until they are being implemented. you don't know what she's capable of at this point. your only recourse is to detach and protect yourself- emotionally, financially, and otherwise. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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