[Wayward spouses] Why did you not reveal who was the [affair partner]?

[road]

The kids knew who I was - they were teens, and he'd discussed with them leaving to be with me. It was only because they were cool with it that he told the BW and made plans to leave. If they hadn't been cool with it, he'd have waited until they were older and had left home.

 

The kids chose to live with us. They were old enough to decide that for themselves, and the BW's view would not have swayed the courts when the kids expressed a clear preference. The courts decide on custody in the best interests of the children, not in the best interests of the BS.

 

 

This has nothing to do with you being the WS and refusing to tell your BS who the AP was.

[road]

Isn't that focusing emotional energy toward the third party instead of the marriage? If there is a sincere attempt at R, then why preoccupy effort outside the marriage? If it is a work partner, work place must change. STD tests must be done. Wouldn't NC be compromised by divulging this info.?

If a partner is divorcing then the marriage is terminated so it is no longer the business of the BS who the WS is in relationship with.

 

I guess what I'm asking is for what good purpose should identity be revealed if work/social contact is not an issue?

 

 

So if the WW keeps the OM's identity a secret then no one is to hold her accountable to leave that job so she has NC with her co-worked/OM.

 

 

So they are getting divorced. That does not mean the BH has no need to learn who the OM was. This OM attacked this BH's life on so many levels. This alone requires that the BH needs t know who the OM is so that the BH can take action if their paths are ever to cross again and thus maintain NC.

[minimariah]

The courts decide on custody in the best interests of the children, not in the best interests of the BS.

 

you entirely missed the point.

 

saying that the AP's identity is "none of the BS's business" is utterly ridiculous - especially in situations where the children decide to live (full time) with their other parent & the AP - ESPECIALLY if they're minors.

 

if you have grown children, in that case... there is no need for special introductions, obviously.

 

if you got divorced, i only assume that you would like to actually know who is the person who is raising and spending a significant amount of time with your children... am i right? then you know where i'm coming from.

 

now... what kind of a parent the BSs is, is she abusive... sane...does she have the custody...? that's another story for another day. i was simply talking about a spouse's right as a PARENT to know who is in their children's lives... when the children are minors, of course. kids need co-parenting and communication between parents and it's important that all parties at least know each other's names & are at least civil.

Edited April 20, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

The BH can never know if NC was broken if he does not know who the OM was.

 

if i'm the BS - i won't monitor or supervise my spouse to check if they're in contact. for that reason, i wouldn't care who the AP was at all.

 

i would only want to know one thing - is it someone i know, someone close to me...? if the BS would refuse to respond - i'm filing. if not and we do divorce? i'll find out eventually when they go public so there is that, lol.

[autumnnight]

A WS who isn't willing to be COMPLETELY honest might as well not be honest at all, IMO. I mean, leaving out the identity of the person they trashed their marriage WITH is a pretty big detail to leave out. I mean, unless, the AP really IS irrelevant, as in, they were just the easiest to use penis or vagina. Somehow I doubt most AP actually want to think of themselves that way - that any person would have done and they just happened to be there. So the whole "the AP is irrelevant" banner is really not a logcal one to wave.

[goodyblue]

It's up tot he bs whether they wish to know or not, and honestly, in this day and age, if they want to find out, it's not that difficult.

 

Why do a bunch of ow feel they are in any sort of place to advise bs on what they should or shouldn't do, unless they have been in said position themselves?

 

If I were the bs, I would be every bit as worried about what a "crazy" ow might do, as for every bs who lashes out,t here is an ow who has done the same. The bs has every right to know who he or she is protecting themselves from.

 

After all, with social media,"friending" and all that, doesn't the bs have a right to know who the perosn who suddenly wants to friend them is?

 

btw, a lot more bs know the identity of the ow/omthan what ow think do. They just have a lot more class than what the ws or "other" gives them credit for.

 

While I understand that you feel it is up to the BS to decrease deal.if they want to know who the AP.was, it really is in the hands of WS whether they choose to reveal. You can't make someone tell if they choose not to.

 

I will say, it would not matter to me who it was, I would not be reconciling. I would be divorcing so who cares, it is over.

[goodyblue]

i think it matters in situations where the AP is someone close to the couple... when the AP has some kind of relationship with a BS, too.

 

i think most folks want to know the identity because they want to avoid awkward situations when possibly meeting that person.

 

Not sure how I feel about this. Perhaps in this instance it would be better to know. The problem is, you can't make a WS divulge and if they refuse you are stuck living with it.

 

If you reconcile the focus should be on repairing the cracks in the foundation of the marriage, not on obsessing over the AP.

[Timshel]

So if the WW keeps the OM's identity a secret then no one is to hold her accountable to leave that job so she has NC with her co-worked/OM.

 

 

So they are getting divorced. That does not mean the BH has no need to learn who the OM was. This OM attacked this BH's life on so many levels. This alone requires that the BH needs t know who the OM is so that the BH can take action if their paths are ever to cross again and thus maintain NC.

 

So I have thought more deeply on this. Put myself in it. The are two reasons for me to need to know the name. First, if it is someone I know, then heck yeah. I need to know if this is someone I am ever in the same room with. Second, divorcing with kids, if they are going to be around my children, I need to know.

As far as work goes, I hold my spouse accountable to NC and my spouse will be finding employment elsewhere- if I were to take his sorry butt back.

I could stand not having a name outside of those circumstances. I would have other questions like how they met and what the other person's life is like...married, kids, whackadoodle? It's a terrible situation for the betrayed, no doubt. I am a light-hearted person most of the time but when crap hits the fan, I get really calm, logical and methodical. It has to be different depending on the natural disposition of the person.

[minimariah]

If you reconcile the focus should be on repairing the cracks in the foundation of the marriage, not on obsessing over the AP.

 

this is all true. but wanting to know the AP's identity is not the same thing as obsessing over the AP. i mean, yeah... i'm not going to pretend like there aren't a LOT of BSs out there who focus only on AP, attack & constantly harrass the AP... it happens.

 

but when folks want to know just who the AP is - they usually want to know for their own protection. if the AP is someone close to the BS, like... a sibling, cousing, best friend, close colleague... then you have TWO relationships to focus on, not just one. people just want to know... for the sake of knowing. it's a normal curiousty - you want to know so you can be "aware" of that person. not so you could harrass & call and ruin that person's life.

 

it's a matter of self-care, self-protection.

 

i will say one thing, when the WW doesn't want to reveal the AP's identity... it's usually because they're either protecting the AP (a bad sign) or because the AP is someone both spouses know.

[Southern Sun]

I think you first have to identify the goal here.

 

Is the WS desiring to reconcile? If so, it is absolutely the WS's responsibility to reveal the identity of the AP (I am a former WW, btw). Anything less is just cruel and adds insult to injury. I canNOT imagine refusing to say who I had cheated on my husband with! Holy crap! Or if he had cheated on me, after I discovered everything, having him protect the identity of the other person but tell me he wants to make our marriage work. Um, excuse me, no freakin' way.

 

If the marriage is heading towards divorce, I guess all bets are off. And vice versa...if he/she refuses to tell, well, the marriage is heading for divorce.

[minimariah]

I will say, it would not matter to me who it was, I would not be reconciling. I would be divorcing so who cares, it is over.

 

i would want to know in case if it's someone who is close to me - so i can burn that bridge, too. that's the only reason. like, if it's my close friend? cutting that friend off immediately. if it's a sibling? cutting them off. a colleague? strictly business relationship, etc.

 

like, i would want to know how many people i'm getting rid of. that's the only reason.

[GoldieLox]

(2) it is a friend or neighbor of BH

(3) it is a co worker and they are afraid they will have to quit there job

 

Goodie LOx just gave you what should be done . Full transparency of no reconciliation

 

I mean I just want to point out that I didn't end up quitting my job, but that was a decision my husband came to. I told him multiple times I would, and he wouldn't hear of it. In the end, I may end up just quitting on my own if I can find something financially in the same ballpark. Though there is absolute NC, the emotional toll is still heavy having to work with him and it's really starting to wear on me. I want to put all my energy into my marriage, not feeling like crap over xAP.

[Sub]

If you reconcile the focus should be on repairing the cracks in the foundation of the marriage, not on obsessing over the AP.

 

I'll second minimariah's point that wanting to know doesn't equate to "obsessing". To say the focus should be on repairing the foundation of marriage....that's definitely true. But how do you go about repairing the M when there's still a secret that's being kept. If knowing is what the BS needs to help heal and move forward, who is the WS to say that it doesn't matter who it was? Especially if it's someone the WS works with or sees on a regular basis.

 

It would be great if the "who" didn't matter. But we're human beings, not robots. Most of us care about the "who", without obsessing over it. (I would wager that more obsession occurs over the "who" when their identity isn't disclosed.) And let's be honest: the "who" matters to AP's when it's the BS. It's only fair that the the third person in the triangle get to know all the players in the scenario as well.

[Southern Sun]

Adding that if an affair blew up a marriage, I think, in general, the BS has every darn right to know who the AP is. It's a matter of respect and basic rights. I don't care whether the marriage survives or not. It makes me sick to think of a WS denying the BS the right to know who this other person is. I don't care if they swear up and down and sideways that the marriage was 'already dead' or whatever. This is basic human decency. If the WS is 'protecting' the AP from the BS 'crazy', well, perhaps they should have thought of that before getting into a relationship BEFORE getting divorced. Could have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

[minimariah]

I'll second minimariah's point that wanting to know doesn't equate to "obsessing". To say the focus should be on repairing the foundation of marriage....that's definitely true. But how do you go about repairing the M when there's still a secret that's being kept. If knowing is what the BS needs to help heal and move forward, who is the WS to say that it doesn't matter who it was? Especially if it's someone the WS works with or sees on a regular basis.

 

It would be great if the "who" didn't matter. But we're human beings, not robots. Most of us care about the "who", without obsessing over it. (I would wager that more obsession occurs over the "who" when their identity isn't disclosed.) And let's be honest: the "who" matters to AP's when it's the BS. It's only fair that the the third person in the triangle get to know all the players in the scenario as well.

 

this AND not knowing feels weird.

 

it's like... there is a person, out there who knows A LOT about you & your M, your family life. many WS share a lot of their spouses intimacy with the AP so it's weird... you feel almost stalked because someone knows you so well, knows your family, knows who you are, knows ABOUT you... and you're suddenly not allowed to know this person's identity.

 

it's so... morbid.

 

if the AP's identity is irrelevant to the BS - then the BS's identity should be irrelevant to the AP, too. and 90% of the AP know very well who the BS is.

 

and at the end of the day - if the AP's name (identity) is so irrelevant and doesn't matter... why hiding it? it's just one simple information, a name. it's never a good thing when a WS hides it.

[Timshel]

this AND not knowing feels weird.

 

it's like... there is a person, out there who knows A LOT about you & your M, your family life. many WS share a lot of their spouses intimacy with the AP so it's weird... you feel almost stalked because someone knows you so well, knows your family, knows who you are, knows ABOUT you... and you're suddenly not allowed to know this person's identity.

 

it's so... morbid.

 

if the AP's identity is irrelevant to the BS - then the BS's identity should be irrelevant to the AP, too. and 90% of the AP know very well who the BS is.

 

and at the end of the day - if the AP's name (identity) is so irrelevant and doesn't matter... why hiding it? it's just one simple information, a name. it's never a good thing when a WS hides it.

 

So for me, if that is what it's about, then forget it. If I felt that violated, then I'm out and I would divorce. I would tell him to pack up and get out. The relationship is between you and spouse. If the bond is that damaged then I want out.

I can't imagine being in a solid relationship and this happening, I can't. If it is not solid then you divorce or work on the marriage. My ex-husband, I am sure cheated on me when I was in the hospital (3 mos.) for placenta accrete with our last child. I never had solid proof but I knew. I divorced him. I didn't need anything to know that our relationship was beyond repair. It was beyond repair on so many levels, knowledge that he probably cheated on me was only one domino in a long line of falling pieces.

I believe that people in marriage know, at least on some level, that the relationship is off, not what it could be. I can only look at he and I for answers. Knowing about the other person, they are iced, whoever they are. Nothing to me.

[minimariah]

If I felt that violated, then I'm out and I would divorce.

 

i felt SUPER violated and never even tried to reconcile, immediately divorced. so i'm probably not the best person to talk about repairing a M after an A.

 

but it takes a loooooong, long time to repair the damage inflicted on a relationship by an A. only few are truly capable of bouncing back and coming out of everything even stronger, very few.

 

but like i already said - i wanted to know who the AP was in case it was someone i had a relationship with, too. so i can act accordingly (cutting that person off). luckily, in my case, it wasn't anyone i personally knew.

 

surviving an A isn't easy, at all. you feel a lot of things... and it's naturally to feel something for the AP, too. it's a part of the process.

[Timshel]

Of course, I would want to know if it was someone I socialize with too, stay really super quiet about it and the next time we happen to be at the same dinner party......Stealth.

[goodyblue]

I mean I just want to point out that I didn't end up quitting my job, but that was a decision my husband came to. I told him multiple times I would, and he wouldn't hear of it. In the end, I may end up just quitting on my own if I can find something financially in the same ballpark. Though there is absolute NC, the emotional toll is still heavy having to work with him and it's really starting to wear on me. I want to put all my energy into my marriage, not feeling like crap over xAP.

 

Well of course that is not the same. If it is a close friend or relative that is a double betrayal. But when itis a stranger it is just not important. Just my opinion.

[Lion Heart]

So I have thought more deeply on this. Put myself in it. The are two reasons for me to need to know the name. First, if it is someone I know, then heck yeah. I need to know if this is someone I am ever in the same room with. Second, divorcing with kids, if they are going to be around my children, I need to know.

As far as work goes, I hold my spouse accountable to NC and my spouse will be finding employment elsewhere- if I were to take his sorry butt back.

I could stand not having a name outside of those circumstances. I would have other questions like how they met and what the other person's life is like...married, kids, whackadoodle? It's a terrible situation for the betrayed, no doubt. I am a light-hearted person most of the time but when crap hits the fan, I get really calm, logical and methodical. It has to be different depending on the natural disposition of the person.

 

This ^^^^.

 

I'm a BW just over 4 months from D Day in this M and over 20y since D Day in my previous M.

 

He** yeah I wanted to know who f***ed my H. Ofcourse I did!

And probably the ONLY reason in my cases was because the WHs children were involved in both Ms. Otherwise I couldn't care any less who either my partner nor his bit on the side was either.

 

Both WHs gave the OWs names immediately, plus their phone numbers and addresses. I asked the OWs a series of questions FIRST. I wasn't going to believe a thing out of WHs mouths - they just proved themselves liars.

 

I was VERY polite but matter of fact to each OW.

I guess the conversations were extremely informative for THEM too (eg about the amount of sex we DID have etc)

That wasn't my objective. My objective was to find out as many facts as I could so I could reach informed conclusions.

 

One phone call from me to OW. I was done. Pity for mobile phones on OW No. 2. She harassed the crap out of me and WH.

 

I could ALSO connect the dots how this OW had sent her family around to my home whilst in an A with WH to check out her new home! And approached each of our 3 children in their school playground and was tempted to tell them she'd be happy to be their "new mummy". I mean wtf???

If I hadn't known WHO she was, I'd never had known HOW FAR this OW had intruded my family and home.

BECAUSE of her actions SHE was sacked and completely rightly so.

My WH was also sacked and I went to the company and THANKED them for upholding morals so many seem unaware of.

 

Sure I also told BOTH OWs they were more than welcome to WHs. The funny thing in both Ms? They didn't want the OWs, they wanted me. Too bad for them really.

 

Funny how OP seem to have so many grey areas around children, families, M & infidelity. It's pretty black and white to me. IMHO ofcourse.

 

Lion Heart.

[goodyblue]

This ^^^^.

 

I'm a BW just over 4 months from D Day in this M and over 20y since D Day in my previous M.

 

He** yeah I wanted to know who f***ed my H. Ofcourse I did!

And probably the ONLY reason in my cases was because the WHs children were involved in both Ms. Otherwise I couldn't care any less who either my partner nor his bit on the side was either.

 

Both WHs gave the OWs names immediately, plus their phone numbers and addresses. I asked the OWs a series of questions FIRST. I wasn't going to believe a thing out of WHs mouths - they just proved themselves liars.

 

I was VERY polite but matter of fact to each OW.

I guess the conversations were extremely informative for THEM too (eg about the amount of sex we DID have etc)

That wasn't my objective. My objective was to find out as many facts as I could so I could reach informed conclusions.

 

One phone call from me to OW. I was done. Pity for mobile phones on OW No. 2. She harassed the crap out of me and WH.

 

I could ALSO connect the dots how this OW had sent her family around to my home whilst in an A with WH to check out her new home! And approached each of our 3 children in their school playground and was tempted to tell them she'd be happy to be their "new mummy". I mean wtf???

If I hadn't known WHO she was, I'd never had known HOW FAR this OW had intruded my family and home.

BECAUSE of her actions SHE was sacked and completely rightly so.

My WH was also sacked and I went to the company and THANKED them for upholding morals so many seem unaware of.

 

Sure I also told BOTH OWs they were more than welcome to WHs. The funny thing in both Ms? They didn't want the OWs, they wanted me. Too bad for them really.

 

Funny how OP seem to have so many grey areas around children, families, M & infidelity. It's pretty black and white to me. IMHO ofcourse.

 

Lion Heart.

 

It is pretty scary when instability creeps in, whether it is OW, BS or WS. That thing with her approaching the kids is pretty scary. I would have filed a restraining order. My guy's ex came slamming into his apartment (he had been living away from her for 10 months by this time and had filed for divorce months ago) and began screaming at me and my kids who were all under age 12. I.corralled the kids into the bathroom and locked the door, turns on the fan and sang to them until my guy got her out of the house.

 

When the crazy is loosed, it can be frightening. This is why he didn't tell her my name. I can see how the other side of the coin would be difficult, but if you had called me the answer you got from me would have been a dial tone. As i said, i was a little afraid of her pulling a Betty Broderick, just as you were afraid your WH's mistress was a bunny boiler. I think we all go into self preservation mode.

 

Best to just not get involved in an affair and to divorce your partner if they are a cheater. I know I will never do it again.

[Got it]

if they had children and if you were someone who would eventually meet those children, spend time with them - it is absolutely her business, like it or not. when children + divorce are involved - the BS must meet the AP because i cannot imagine a parent who wouldn't want to meet a person who will play an important role in their children's lives (i assume all parties are sane & normal, abuse situations excluded).

 

hiding the AP's identity is only acceptable when you're divorcing without children, burning all bridges.

 

if you're, however, deciding to work on your M? i don't think you should know who the AP was... unless it's someone close to you, like a sister or a close best friend. if i decided to reconcile, i wouldn't ask for the AP's identity. i just don't see a point.

 

Well prepare for shock and awe. The xwife/BS of my husband and I have never met though she is well aware of me as the fAP and now his wife. She has never shown any desire to met me and never has.

[Got it]

In a more broad look at the topic, this, like many things in the aftermath, need to be assessed if it is a mandate or a desire. So it really is up to the parties what they want and choose to do. If a BS says that it is a mandate that they know the identity and the WS refuses to comply, then consequences would be followed. If a BS assesses that it is a desire, but is not a mandate, then they can compromise on said topic and proceed through reconciliation.

 

But if a WS refuses to give up the information one cannot "force" them to. Just like they can't be forced into remorse, etc. So it is a very simple negotiation that you determine how important is it to you and what are the consequences if one does not comply and then act accordingly.

 

So, yes to me, it would speak volumes of where "my" WS stood if they were not willing to give me the requests I had and their ultimate desire for reconciliation and remorse. But for some, where this is black and white, for others it is grey.

[cocorico]

This has nothing to do with you being the WS and refusing to tell your BS who the AP was.

 

It has to do with this point about the BS "needing" to know who the AP is:

 

if they had children and if you were someone who would eventually meet those children, spend time with them - it is absolutely her business, like it or not. when children + divorce are involved - the BS must meet the AP because i cannot imagine a parent who wouldn't want to meet a person who will play an important role in their children's lives (i assume all parties are sane & normal, abuse situations excluded).

 

If the BS and the WS are staying together, it is irrelevant.

 

If the BS wants to reconcile, I can see that the WS refusal to disclose the identity of the AP would be a problem. Not only for the reasons you cite - such as monitoring NC - but because in essence, the WS is putting loyalty to the AP (protecting their identity,mane them, from the BS) above loyalty to the BS.

 

If it matters to the BS to know the identity of the AP, then a refusal to disclose is a choice for the AP over the BS, and I could see why a BS would be unhappy about that.

[cocorico]

you entirely missed the point.

 

saying that the AP's identity is "none of the BS's business" is utterly ridiculous - especially in situations where the children decide to live (full time) with their other parent & the AP - ESPECIALLY if they're minors.

 

if you have grown children, in that case... there is no need for special introductions, obviously.

 

if you got divorced, i only assume that you would like to actually know who is the person who is raising and spending a significant amount of time with your children... am i right? then you know where i'm coming from.

 

now... what kind of a parent the BSs is, is she abusive... sane...does she have the custody...? that's another story for another day. i was simply talking about a spouse's right as a PARENT to know who is in their children's lives... when the children are minors, of course. kids need co-parenting and communication between parents and it's important that all parties at least know each other's names & are at least civil.

 

I don't want to take this thread further off topic but - the XW has the "right" to know who is co-parenting her child. That is different to knowing who the AP is / was. The SO of the XH may or may not be the AP. The XW has a "right" to know the person's identity only if they are co-parenting the child, and only in the role of SO. They have no right to know whether or not that SO was the fAP of the XH.