[Wayward spouses] Why did you not reveal who was the [affair partner]?

[road]

Well prepare for shock and awe. The xwife/BS of my husband and I have never met though she is well aware of me as the fAP and now his wife. She has never shown any desire to met me and never has.

 

 

There is no shock. There is no awe. Only delusion. For you do not see the difference between the BS wanting to know who the AP is and the BS wanting to talk with the AP.

 

 

Those two things are not bound together.

[road]

I don't want to take this thread further off topic but - the XW has the "right" to know who is co-parenting her child. That is different to knowing who the AP is / was. The SO of the XH may or may not be the AP. The XW has a "right" to know the person's identity only if they are co-parenting the child, and only in the role of SO. They have no right to know whether or not that SO was the fAP of the XH.

 

 

The XBW has the right to know that if the XWH's new wife was his AP. After all she will be co-parenting the XBW's children.

 

 

There is a conflicting sense of morals. If the XBW holds the morals that affairs are wrong then she needs to make sure that the XWH's XAP/next wife does not be a role model on how to be moral.

 

 

After all the AP/WS had no problem cheating, so why have a problem letting people know that they cheated. After all they never have a problem defending their cheating.

[goodyblue]

The XBW has the right to know that if the XWH's new wife was his AP. After all she will be co-parenting the XBW's children.

 

 

There is a conflicting sense of morals. If the XBW holds the morals that affairs are wrong then she needs to make sure that the XWH's XAP/next wife does not be a role model on how to be moral.

 

 

After all the AP/WS had no problem cheating, so why have a problem letting people know that they cheated. After all they never have a problem defending their cheating.

 

Wrong. If there is a divorce, when the father has the children the mother has no say in who he brings around his children as long as they are not abusing the children.

[William]

Let's move away from off-topic scenarios and get back to wayward spouses sharing their personal reasons for not revealing (or revealing) who the affair partner was/is. Thanks!

[minimariah]

If there is a divorce, when the father has the children the mother has no say in who he brings around his children as long as they are not abusing the children.

 

i know this is off topic, but i just couldn't resist (i apologize in advance to the mods, this is the last time) - the kids are not HIS. the kids are THEIRS.

 

to say that the mother has no say in who the father brings around THEIR children when they're not staying with the mother is absolutely nonsensical. how will you know that your children are being abused or influenced in a negative way when you're not allowed to know just who exactly spends time with them and raises them? parents need & want to be included in every part of their children's lives ALL THE TIME, not just for that time the children spend exclusively with them.

 

that being said - one parent has every right & definitely has a say in what kind of people the other parent brings around THEIR children. and that's not an opinion either, it's a fact.

 

to be on topic for once... OP - just today i had a conversation with a WH, a good friend of mine. he refused to disclose his AP's identity to his BS & they eventually reconciled.

 

here is what he had to say - according to him, he didn't want to disclose the AP's identity because he felt his W will focus on that instead of the real problems that existed in their marriage long before an A and that needed to be fixed. his W wanted to know everything but (according to him) what she wanted wasn't what she needed. the details of the A and the AP's identity were, to him, irrelevant for the future of their marriage and to his W'a healing.

 

in fact, he felt that their chances for reconciling would be completely doomed if he confessed every single detail about an A and the AP so early on. he eventually did tell her most important things but that was after some years had passed and she could see everything from a different perspective.

[Got it]

There is no shock. There is no awe. Only delusion. For you do not see the difference between the BS wanting to know who the AP is and the BS wanting to talk with the AP.

 

 

Those two things are not bound together.

 

Editted. I thought this quote was from the original poster. I am missing the above point in rebuttal.

[Got it]

The XBW has the right to know that if the XWH's new wife was his AP. After all she will be co-parenting the XBW's children.

 

 

There is a conflicting sense of morals. If the XBW holds the morals that affairs are wrong then she needs to make sure that the XWH's XAP/next wife does not be a role model on how to be moral.

 

 

After all the AP/WS had no problem cheating, so why have a problem letting people know that they cheated. After all they never have a problem defending their cheating.

 

And how would the BS prevent the XAP/next wife from being a role model once they are divorced? I am not aware of anything legally that is allowed to be done.

[sandylee1]

Reasons they don't tell :

 

- Their ashamed/embarrassed of the AP in comparison to their spouse

 

- The AP is known to and close to the family

 

- They don't want the AP to be confronted by the BS and to make their life hell (always a risk when you have an A)

 

- It's a coworker and their BS could cause issues in the workplace if inter company dating is not allowed. Causing loss of jobs, especially if it involves dating a subordinate

 

Where kids are involved with joint custody the BS should know. There have been cases where a WW ends up with a child molester, so you need to know who has access to your kids.

[autumnnight]

Reasons they don't tell:

 

They have no true remorse

 

They want to keep the A going

 

They do not really care about the BS's pain

 

They are still liars

[road]

Wrong. If there is a divorce, when the father has the children the mother has no say in who he brings around his children as long as they are not abusing the children.

 

 

Conveniently you forget shared custody.

 

 

And those kids have the right to know how and who caused their family to be torn apart.

[autumnnight]

Road, the getaway driver never wants to be acknowledged as a part of the bank robbery. And if they bank robber is committed to the getaway driver, he/she will protect their identity.

[road]

And how would the BS prevent the XAP/next wife from being a role model once they are divorced? I am not aware of anything legally that is allowed to be done.

 

 

Prevent a negative role model no.

 

 

To be aware and counteract the XAP/new wife role model of being an AP as acceptable.

[Got it]

Prevent a negative role model no.

 

 

To be aware and counteract the XAP/new wife role model of being an AP as acceptable.

 

And start walking into potential parental alienation. Nice.

[Sub]

And start walking into potential parental alienation. Nice.

 

I could see in some scenarios that being the potential outcome. But I don't think it's the norm. Obviously it depends on age and how well the kids can process the situation. My best friend's STBXW ended up with her AP. The kids are young, so they only know their parents aren't together. And in their situation, having information such as the OM's identity in the open has in some ways helped the lines of communication between them as parents of two boys. Let's not forget that all a lot of BS's(rational people in most cases) want from their WS's is total honesty, even if they don't R. They obviously don't like it, but that level of honesty can help re-build some trust if the two people are jointly responsible for children. If the AP is afraid that such info is going to hurt more than help, that's really just their issue, not the BS's.

[minimariah]

And start walking into potential parental alienation. Nice.

 

that's not potential parental alienation tho.

if you don't want your child to be taught bad behavior patterns, you can do it without badmouthing the AP and/or the ex-spouse AND still pointing out the A as an unhealthy and damaging way of dealing with problems. the art of communication.

 

in my own case - my folks sat down with me and explained to me why cheating and having an A is an unhealthy way of dealing with problems. and they recognized the A as a mistake and as a bad way of dealing with problems. i never once hated my father's then AP (and today's W) because my mother never described her as a "bad person" or someone i can't learn anything from. it actually helped me to see all of those people as HUMANS who make mistakes because, at the time, they thought that was the best way to deal with problems.

 

that being said, you need to have TWO co-operative parents who are willing to communicate and raise their children together... even if they are separated and divorced. needless to say, most aren't capable of doing that.

Edited April 21, 2015 by minimariah

[MissBee]

Not a http://WWW., But I understand wanting to know and I also understand wanting to withhold the information.

 

The decision to do either is based on what you ultimately want. If you plan to reconcile transparency means honoring that request. If you plan to leave I suppose you can avoid saying, although if you have plan to be with this person it will eventually come out.

 

In the case of a reconciliation I can't imagine choosing not to say if asked and carrying on with a successful reconciliation without doing so. If I were the BS I would definitely want to know.

[Got it]

that's not potential parental alienation tho.

if you don't want your child to be taught bad behavior patterns, you can do it without badmouthing the AP and/or the ex-spouse AND still pointing out the A as an unhealthy and damaging way of dealing with problems. the art of communication.

 

in my own case - my folks sat down with me and explained to me why cheating and having an A is an unhealthy way of dealing with problems. and they recognized the A as a mistake and as a bad way of dealing with problems. i never once hated my father's then AP (and today's W) because my mother never described her as a "bad person" or someone i can't learn anything from. it actually helped me to see all of those people as HUMANS who make mistakes because, at the time, they thought that was the best way to deal with problems.

 

that being said, you need to have TWO co-operative parents who are willing to communicate and raise their children together... even if they are separated and divorced. needless to say, most aren't capable of doing that.

 

I agree, and think the above is a great example, but I think this is in the minority and I suspect many do not actually walk this fine line.

 

We have taken a similar approach, my husband and I, with his kids and have been open, honest, and apologetic.

[Spark1111]

oh for F'S SAKE, of course you should find out who has been F'ING your spouse.

 

the information is YOUR'S......To do What you Will.....

 

The law protects you.

 

 

JUST Do IT.

[Spark1111]

If the BS is as culpable, or more, than the WS for the breakdown of the M, then it is the BS who has the "moral problem" - especially if, as in my situation, the BS was herself a fWS. No moral high ground there whatsoever - she was wallowing in a moral swamp!

 

 

 

Except sometimes they do. Sometimes the "OW" is a dial up phone sex line, or an online chat, or a video cam live feed of some "college girl" maturbating... A WS who is looking for something or someone, will find it.

 

 

And so will a BS who is scratching their head, wondering WTH just happened.....

 

Any worthy AP will not back down from BS confrontation.....Others may run for the hills....

 

I believe a BS has the RIGHT to discover who, what turned their reality on its heels.

 

So what?

 

You want the man and he wants you? You will weather the storm.

 

All others? Batten down the hatches. It will be a bumpy ride.

 

BUT everyone will get their truth, their closure.

 

ALL good...

[goodyblue]

Conveniently you forget shared custody.

 

 

And those kids have the right to know how and who caused their family to be torn apart.

 

It does not matter, even if the father only has weekend visitation he can have the kids around who he likes and does not need anyone's permission.

 

And involving the children in adult issues is wrong.

[road]

It does not matter, even if the father only has weekend visitation he can have the kids around who he likes and does not need anyone's permission.

 

And involving the children in adult issues is wrong.

 

 

Teaching right from wrong is a parent's job.

 

 

Hiding behind the phrase adult issues is wrong. For kids are not stupid the see what the parents did and wind up copying them for they were never taught the importance of being mature and having morals.

[Furious]

It is pretty scary when instability creeps in, whether it is OW, BS or WS. That thing with her approaching the kids is pretty scary. I would have filed a restraining order. My guy's ex came slamming into his apartment (he had been living away from her for 10 months by this time and had filed for divorce months ago) and began screaming at me and my kids who were all under age 12. I.corralled the kids into the bathroom and locked the door, turns on the fan and sang to them until my guy got her out of the house.

 

When the crazy is loosed, it can be frightening. This is why he didn't tell her my name. I can see how the other side of the coin would be difficult, but if you had called me the answer you got from me would have been a dial tone. As i said, i was a little afraid of her pulling a Betty Broderick, just as you were afraid your WH's mistress was a bunny boiler. I think we all go into self preservation mode.

 

Best to just not get involved in an affair and to divorce your partner if they are a cheater. I know I will never do it again.

 

 

You've known your guy's ex is unstable and yet being with your guy is a risk you took on behalf of your children's safety and stability.

 

It must have been horrific and traumatic for your children to be screamed at and having to be locked in the bathroom as mayhem ensued.

 

Does the father of your children know his kids are potentially in danger by your guy's ex wife?

 

If my kids were put in such a situation I'd petition for full custody to protect them from this kind of danger.

 

Your situation seems a good example why it's important for parents to know who their ex spouse in involved with. Every parent has the right to know what type of people and situations their children are exposed to.

 

You feared she was a Betty Broderick and yet you allowed your children to be a part of this insanity.

Edited April 22, 2015 by Furious

[minimariah]

i think you're being a little too harsh on goody... i'm sure she didn't see it coming and i'm sure she dealt with it as soon as it happened.

 

it's important to know who co-parents your kids but you can't start wars when a parent does his or hers 1st mistake or when they screw up. you gotta trust your exspouse that they know what's best for your child and that they will always put your child 1st, just like you are.

 

sometimes, when there's an A that trust is broken so BSs end up not believing their ex even when it comes to their children - hence the "supervising" the AP/bew partner desire.

[truncated]

It does not matter, even if the father only has weekend visitation he can have the kids around who he likes and does not need anyone's permission.

 

And involving the children in adult issues is wrong.

 

That is the typical ow excuse anytime the bs doesn't just roll over and keep her mouth shut. Anytime she takes the ow to task for engaging in cruddy behavior, she's "being a bad mom" or " involving the children in adult behavior".

 

In my opinion, this sort of talk should be stuffed where the sun doesn't shine.

 

Maybe, just maybe, if both the ws and ow had acted like adults, their children would not have been dragged into the whole mess, but they didn't. They acted in an immature action, and not that they are being held to the fire, they don't like it. If anyone is potentially causing harm tot he kids, its' these two individuals, who then have the gall to lecture bs about how they need to "put their kids first".

 

 

And before anyone labels me as a "bitter bs" I'm not. i;m not a bs and I;m certainly not bitter, just tired of seeing hurtful behavior excused, and people who are already hurting being bullied into "Their's was not to question why" .

[Timshel]

When a marriage is compromised with an affair, honesty and the lack thereof is the focal point of any resolution. An affair by definition is a breach of honesty. So, by the way, are issues of abuse, financial indiscretion and drug use.

 

I think that as each marriage is unique and exclusive to others, so is the way deceit is managed. Everyone (hypothetically) agrees that full honesty is the best policy. Whether full disclosure occurs ongoing with zero deceit or after a transgression, it is the ideal.

 

If knowing the name of the affair partner is the best and most productive course of action and if knowing the name of the affair partner will assist the BS in moving forward and away from discourse and pain, then that should happen. I hesitate to concede that in every affair situation, across the board, that this is mandatory or the best choice. There are many variables. I agree that in the majority and again, if reconciling or regarding children, a must.

 

I knew who my ex-husband was fooling around with, even though I was away from home in the hospital. As a mom, wife and woman, I did not need a name and I also chose not to beat a dead horse about it. That was because I already knew in time I would leave him and because he had zero intention of leaving me or subjecting my children to her. It was a selfish, ego-driven and short affair he engaged in simply because I was not available and not able to take care of him. Some men are that f**cking ridiculous.

 

So I see the question of revealing the name as subjective to the situation. I also agree that most situations require it. The discussion is informative of different perspectives and lends to a deeper understanding of others experiences and dispositions.