Embracing the OW role....

[mokamint7]

Has anyone [embraced] or is it possible to embrace and own the OW role?

 

I know being the OW means your needs won't always be met and your AP is more than likely using you or being selfish; I get that. But if you and your AP have a sexually AND emotional connection, you're able to separate reality from fantasy, still be open to dating and meeting someone "real", could being the OW work?

 

I've been asking myself that question a lot lately and wondered if anyone ever wondered the same and is content and has in fact embraced their role. TIA!

Edited April 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up post for format and clarity

[Tauriel]

I wouldn't say that I ever truly embraced my OW role. It's not what I want for the long haul. I think that MM came along when I really needed someone (there's a backstory here that I don't want to get into), and he helped me out of a very dark place. For a while, it was enough just to have someone who I felt was on my side. Now, it's not. I want someone to share birthdays and holidays with -- someone to call my very own.

 

1.5 years later, and I'm dating again,with an eye toward getting into a real R. It's hard, being that my affections are so divided. MM doesn't know, and it's really none of his business, when you think about it. He's married; he shouldn't know about my personal business dating single men anymore than I should know about his R with his wife!

[Lurkeraspect]

Since you've been doing the OW gig for 9 years, haven't you already embraced your role? If not, that's a long time to be miserable.

 

I think if you knowingly enter into the role of OW and plan on keeping your sanity entact, you'd need to be the master of compartmentalization. Have very low expectations, know your place as far as your hierarchy in his life, no demands, no emotional entanglement, understand that he lies, to you and his wife. Of course, most women don't operate this way and that's why there are pages and pages of sadness on this forum.

[mokamint7]

Same for me... As far as AP (he's not married, but lives with his GF) coming along when I was in a dark place. He was just what I needed at the time. Unfortunately, for me 9 years later, he's still what I need. I have my highs and my lows. But the highs for me emotionally right now out weigh the lows (well in my distorted mind they do). I feel like I'll always be in this A until someone real comes along. I also believe that God won't bring me the right person, until I've emotionally detached from my AP. Which basically means I'm in a lose-lose situation.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

We've read a lot about it here. They're called HOW (happy other women). I assume if your expectations aren't unrealistic and you are gettin your needs met and IF there is no DDay, then it's completely possible. I think many women start out thinking that it's possible but they want more or have a hard time ignoring the fact that he has another life.

[Lurkeraspect]

Same for me... As far as AP (he's not married, but lives with his GF) coming along when I was in a dark place. He was just what I needed at the time. Unfortunately, for me 9 years later, he's still what I need. I have my highs and my lows. But the highs for me emotionally right now out weigh the lows (well in my distorted mind they do). I feel like I'll always be in this A until someone real comes along. I also believe that God won't bring me the right person, until I've emotionally detached from my AP. Which basically means I'm in a lose-lose situation.

 

Of your own choosing.

[Friskyone4u]

How can you date and meet someone else real when the real man does not know you are having sex with another man behind his back. How real is that once it moves with your "real man" to where he thinks he is exclusive with you .

Now if you are honest and tell men you date you have no intentions of being monogamous that is different.

In your current mindset you are cheating on every man you meet and begin to date from the first moment

At some point you will either have to end being the mistress or you will never sustain a "real" relationship

[Grapesofwrath]

I have tried to convince myself that being the OW can work for me. Given my child custody schedule, I am only available half the time anyway. The MM manipulates his schedule to be with me on most of those nights, though not all. At first, that was okay with me. I didn't want him around on holidays because I was with my children.

 

As time goes by, though, I realize there are two problems:

 

1) I don't want to share a man. I want my own man. Someone with whom I can build a life. I deserve that (if that matters in the universe), and I want that.

 

2) Now that we're several months in, I realize that he is comfortable with the deception. That causes me to lose respect for him. He's a cake-eater. A selfish liar who feels entitled to have everything he wants.

[Tauriel]

The same way one dates when they're trying to find the right single partner.

 

When you start looking, you don't typically hone in on one person and say, "Ah, that's the on!" You date many. Note: I did not specify "have sex with". Date, talk with, get to know.

 

Once you find the right person you want to form a relationship with, everyone else is duly informed, and you go exclusive with your new partner.

[Tauriel]

Now that we're several months in, I realize that he is comfortable with the deception. That causes me to lose respect for him. He's a cake-eater. A selfish liar who feels entitled to have everything he wants.

 

Yeah ... I have big issues with that. Had MM left soon after we got involved, that would have been one thing. But to continue an A for more than a year and lie to his W? We've already had a DD (very early in), and no one ran packing. I'm sure that things are really messed up in that household -- he's alluded to this -- but yet he's continued to stay. What a mess for the two of them! Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I remind me that it could be worse: I could be his wife.

[Grapesofwrath]

I also date other men, besides the MM. Like Tauriel, I mean date...not sleep with. I talk, get to know, etc. MM knows I do this. We established early that I can do whatever I want. If I meet someone I want to bring into my life, I will end it with MM. In that way, you could say I'm using him, too. He meets certain needs, while I look for someone who can really be my man.

 

Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I can't have an open heart while being involved with MM. I think about that a lot.

[mokamint7]

How can you date and meet someone else real when the real man does not know you are having sex with another man behind his back. How real is that once it moves with your "real man" to where he thinks he is exclusive with you.

 

I don't think I could have a BF and cheat on him, but I guess I wouldn't know until I'm actually in that position. I've dated before or gotten back with an ex while talking to AP. I've never slept with a guy while I was having a sexual relationship with another. I only have a sexual relationship with one guy at a time. So when/if the relationship with a new guy gets physical or things are progressing along well with a new guy I'd cut AP off. I've done it numerous times in the past 9 years and I was only dating someone new, not in a serious relationship with the new guy.

[mokamint7]

Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I can't have an open heart while being involved with MM. I think about that a lot.

 

I think about that a lot also. And karma if I do find what I think is a good guy. I'd definitely deserve whatever karma came my way.

[couchcushion]

I thought I could embrace it. For awhile it was nice to have my own life but also have love, sex, affection and connection on the side.

 

But the guilt became too much. And suddenly in the past few days I've found myself wanting more. And I'm getting sick of hearing "I'm sorry", "I wish..." and "I want...". And I'm becoming increasingly jealous. So no, it seems I cannot embrace it.

 

Funny what the mind can ignore in the beginning...

[whichwayisup]

But if you and your AP have a sexually AND emotional connection, you're able to separate reality from fantasy, still be open to dating and meeting someone "real", could being the OW work?

 

Then why not end the A and go find a single guy whom you can have all to yourself? As long as you're having the A with your MM (9 years) and involved with him, you're not going to be ready and open for a real relationship with someone else. Also, it isn't fair to the *new* person, they think you're single when in fact you're invested in a MM. (Unless you are up front and explain your situation)

[SolG]

I've just started seeing other people again for the first time since my A started. I qualify that as seeing, not dating per se. Just spending time with new and interesting people on an agreed platonic basis. I'm not in a place for anything else just now. MM isn't exactly happy about it, but he is supportive.

 

I don't at all accept the role of OW. The lying and hiding is too debilitating. Which I see as a major stumbling block for anyone trying to find someone 'real' in the romantic sense. How can one possibly embark on something real, or even be real when embroiled in something as deceptive as an A?

 

One guy I've seen twice asked me the right question and I answered truthfully. I told him I'm an OW in an A and that's why I don't want anything more than friendship at the moment. There are too many lies in my life to add to the count. He was thankful for my honesty, intensely curious and we're having lunch next weekend. But I'd imagine that if I had presented myself as a romantic prospect... the reaction would have been somewhat different. But I would nevertheless disclose everytime.

 

I just don't know how it would work in the scenario you describe. Does an OW looking for something 'real' hide a defining part of the 'real' them? Part of what being in an A has taught me is that hiding, especially the truth about yourself, is never a good thing.

[Bohonia]

Embracing the you will always be third role... Why I say that is they come first their SO comes second and if no kids involved you come third. THIRD! You are emotionally and physically invested in someone. You state while you are looking for something "real" how can you honestly find that "real" thing you crave when you really have committed yourself to the role of OW? Would you feel like your cheating on him? Personally I don't think its fare to you. You could find someone who puts you as a priority not an emotional and physical dumpster when it suits them..

[GoldieLox]

Nope. Couldn't do it. It was fun and exciting for a few weeks until reality hit. By reality I mean feelings and emotional attachment for both of us. It came fast. The stronger it became the more I tried to push it away and deny it. Guilt about what I was doing to my husband set in from the first kiss. About a month in, I began to realize how selfish he was. Always about him. I was always getting my heart broken in one way or the other.

 

The whole situation hurts. I'm so happy it's over.

[Artie Lang]

if i'm reading correctly, you've been in an affair with OM for the better part of nine years, and date off and on while still "attached" to this OM? you're dating/"seeing" others but seem to always come back to OM.

 

 

what sort of progress are you making, or trying to make when you eventually find yourself back to square one with OM.

 

 

wash... rinse... repeat.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Artie Lang

[m4p]

I don't think I could have a BF and cheat on him, but I guess I wouldn't know until I'm actually in that position. I've dated before or gotten back with an ex while talking to AP. I've never slept with a guy while I was having a sexual relationship with another. I only have a sexual relationship with one guy at a time. So when/if the relationship with a new guy gets physical or things are progressing along well with a new guy I'd cut AP off. I've done it numerous times in the past 9 years and I was only dating someone new, not in a serious relationship with the new guy.

 

I was in a relationship with my ex BF when fraternizing with xMM.

 

It was terrible because I placed my expectations and disappointments in my legit r/s and put all positives and attention on xMM instead. It made him into my "bf" and emotional outlet instead. xMM and I started as PA and were highly compatible sexual partners which turned into a full fledged EA lasting almost 2 years. On his side, he also placed all his needs in his marriage in me as well.

 

I was a terrible person because I thought I felt no guilt towards my xBf. Any, if there was, were all swept under the rug. It is no excuses but my xBf was very busy and focused on his career (to a point where he really wouldn't mind breaking up even if he still loved me). I dare say I tried to get more attention from him for the past few years befor xMM appeared but it failed and I gave in to temptation in the form of xMM.

 

In the beginning of the A, I THOUGHT I was okay being the OW, because I am a carefree and independent woman (hah!) but nope, just the thought of him going home to his W everyday makes me sick. We were both in extreme denial of what we were doing.

 

Long story cut short, Dday- xMM and I broke up, and I broke up with my xBF after a few days as well because it was really getting too unhealthy emotionally for me. Yes, I am selfish but I did the best I could under those circumstances. It wouldn't have been fair for him and me if we continued pretending the relationship is fine while leaving separate lives with no future in sight.

 

That is when I also realised that I could never accept playing second fiddle in another man's life.

 

If you are alright with it, I don't see a problem, but I don't think I will be able to have a truly loving and open relationship if I am still somewhat emotionally attached to another man. Keyword is openness. Would you tell your dating partners that you have a MM to fall back on if the r/s fails? If you can't/won't, then that is not an honest relationship you are having or committing to.

 

I think it all boils down to being true to yourself and wanting the best for yourself. Deep inside the answer should be pretty obvious... hang in there and I wish you strength..

[casey.lives]

People with intimacy and commitment issues .. people who think that the more pain they suffer, the more intensely they can love their Subject... will likely embrace the role. People who want their image to be kept in highest regards... part time lovers are flawless... welcome the OW/OP role

[casey.lives]

... it also takes a special kind of person to be attracted to someone who cheats

[goodyblue]

... it also takes a special kind of person to be attracted to someone who cheats

 

Give me a break.

[sandylee1]

... it also takes a special kind of person to be attracted to someone who cheats

 

That's a fairly good point you make there.

 

I suspect it's easier to embrace the role if you are a married OW, who doesn't wish to leave her marriage. Being the OW would work out just fine if you're both on the same page. The MOW is likely to concerned about hiding the cheating to her H, to give a thought about being an OW. Sees herself more as the WW.

 

For the single OW, when you stay there for years and decades it's more acceptance than embracing.

[cocorico]

I think if you knowingly enter into the role of OW and plan on keeping your sanity entact, you'd need to be the master of compartmentalization. Have very low expectations, know your place as far as your hierarchy in his life, no demands, no emotional entanglement, understand that he lies, to you and his wife. Of course, most women don't operate this way and that's why there are pages and pages of sadness on this forum.

 

I can only speak for my experience, but....

 

I certainly knew "my place" in the hierarchy of his life - I came first. When I wanted him, he was there. When I didn't, he wasn't.

 

My expectations were anything but "low". I knew what I wanted, and if he couldn't deliver, he had no place in my life. So he made sure he delivered.

 

And no - shock! Horror! - he never lied to me. He may have lied to her by omission, but that was the nature of their relationship. She had no interest in what he did and their only communication was by post-it notes on the fridge regarding logistics.

 

And my sanity has always been intact

Edited April 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator