Embracing the OW role....

[cocorico]

Has anyone (or is it possible) to embrace and own the OW role? I know being the OW means your needs won't always be met and your AP is more than likely using you or being selfish; I get that. But if you and your AP have a sexually AND emotional connection, you're able to separate reality from fantasy, still be open to dating and meeting someone "real", could being the OW work? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately and wondered if anyone ever wondered the same and is content and has in fact embraced their role. TIA!

 

I don't think there is some essentialist thing called "the OW role". All As are different, and roles are up for negotiation between the two parties involved. It's up to you, as OW, to negotiate a role that *does* work for you. Nothing is off-limits by definition; if your MM wants to deny you certain things, then you need to consider whether he is the kind of person you really want to be with, since it is his *choice* rather than his situation governing his denying you hose things.

 

Being an OW worked very well for me. I had no desire at the time for a full-time R because I had too many other things going on in my life. A demanding job, being a single parent, a full social life, and other interests, meant I had very little time to spend on a R, so I needed something part time as and when it suited me. An A was perfect for that.

 

Over the years our circumstances changed, and we decided we wanted to be together full-time, so we did that. He dumped the BW, I left my job and we got M. It's better than ever.

 

Throughout our R we've both been upfront about what we wanted, and made it clear where things were negotiable and where they weren't. If you find you're unhappy, then either you're not being clear enough about what you want, or he's unwilling to give you that.

[veggirl]

ew what good guy is gonna wanna date a woman who is currently banging some other woman's husband?! sick! I'd be totally depressed with myself if I was happy being someone's 2nd fiddle.

[MissBee]

Has anyone (or is it possible) to embrace and own the OW role? I know being the OW means your needs won't always be met and your AP is more than likely using you or being selfish; I get that. But if you and your AP have a sexually AND emotional connection, you're able to separate reality from fantasy, still be open to dating and meeting someone "real", could being the OW work? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately and wondered if anyone ever wondered the same and is content and has in fact embraced their role. TIA!

 

As others have already mentioned, it seems as though people who are admittedly emotionally unavailable in some way tend to do better with "embracing the OW role" as they genuinely are unable to, for whatever reason, be in a full relationship so the strictures of the A that end up bothering most people don't bother them at all.

 

Over the years reading here I have come across few genuinely happy OW who have embraced the role and want nothing more. I think there are more who have done it for so long that they move from hope for more to realizing it won't happen; but, because they still want the MM in some fashion and think part time is better than nothing they eventually try to reorganize their thinking to say they accept the situation (my real life OW friend is like this, she is not happy as an OW, but she has been with the man 6 years and pretty much I've seen her go up and down in various forms of dissatisfaction and turmoil to acting like she is fine with the whole thing when she realizes it's futile to want more). It's about being honest with yourself more than anything else IMO. It's a matter of genuinely asking yourself what you REALLY want and whether the situation really provides it or you're settling.

 

The whole I'll have MM and then mysteriously will fall in love with a single man and move on is a common fantasy. I say fantasy because for the majority this doesn't work. If you are just friends with benefits with the MM, i.e. you are not emotionally attached and it's just about sex then yes I think you can more easily sleep with him and then still be open and available emotionally for more with someone else. But if one is having a "relationship A" where you profess to love the MM or have feelings for him and it's been years, it is very unlikely that (even if you date) you'll be emotionally available for something more with a single guy. I thought I could do that too. I dated throughout the A but NONE of it ever became more than them being my side pieces essentially with him being the main person I was in love with. I dated them as a buffer to the A and thought it would protect my feelings, it didn't and it didn't turn into more with them because my heart was tied up with him and if he had become single I would have dumped any one of them immediately to be with him.

 

Like I said, the answer to this question isn't one of if it's possible for someone somewhere in the world, sure it is, the question should be is it possible for YOU and that's what you have to be honest about and weigh. I'll go ahead and wager that most genuinely happy OW are probably not mulling over how to accept the A because they are happy with it. I think if one has to question if it's possible and how, then that likely means one is not at peace and it's something one is still talking one's self into versus it being something you're naturally already satisfied with.

Edited April 20, 2015 by MissBee

[goodyblue]

ew what good guy is gonna wanna date a woman who is currently banging some other woman's husband?! sick! I'd be totally depressed with myself if I was happy being someone's 2nd fiddle.

 

I was never, ever second anything. I came first and we were the primary relationship.

 

I am curious, do you hold the same disdain for women who's husband cheats on them and they decide to stay and work it out? If she finally decides to leave are men going to be turned off because she stayed with a man who had taken a lover and she had become second fiddle? Is she also an 'ew' as you so eloquently put it?

Edited April 20, 2015 by goodyblue

[cocorico]

I'd be totally depressed with myself if I was happy being someone's 2nd fiddle.

 

Not all OW are "second fiddle", and not all "second fiddle" are OW. Sometimes it's he BW, sometimes it's the work-widow, golf-widow, or wife of an alcoholic or addict; sometimes it's the wife whose H makes the W feel second to her MIL; sometimes it's the W whose H still wants to be "one of the lads" and isn't prepared to settle down. Sometimes it's the W who just expected more, who wanted to be the centre of her H's universe and resents having to fight for attention with all the other claimants.

 

Many of these people rationalise putting up with a situation they're essentially unhappy with, to themselves. These forums are full of examples.

 

I don't think anyone should stay in any R they're unhappy with,mthat isn't giving them what they want - whether they are OW, BW, W or anything else. Fix it, or move on. Life is too short.

[MissBee]

I was never, ever second anything. I came first and we were the primary relationship.

 

If you are/were the primary relationship then your situation is not what's being addressed with this topic. The OP specifically set the parameters for what she is discussing: selfish AP, needs won't fully be met, but you're trying to "embrace" it despite not being primary and not getting all you want.

 

If you and he are now together, suffice it to say, your situation was probably one where you were indeed not second fiddle and the MM took steps to be with you full time and you're not a forever OW trying to figure out how to deal. But for the years long OW who is on here asking how to embrace the role, I doubt she is in the same boat of being the primary person, in fact the very opening post laid out the fact that in the scenario the OP is asking about the OW is not the primary person.

 

I don't think any of these comments are targeted at OW who became the primary person, no one is challenging your specific situation, the situation the OP is asking about isn't yours. Evidently, if your relationship transitioned it means you're not in the same boat of being the "happy OW" or playing second fiddle, and if I recall you have spoken about your OW melt downs and said you weren't happy with being a permanent OW...but if you're almost a decade in and are still trying to juggle it and figure out if you can still date etc it means you are clearly NOT happy and not first fiddle, as if you were you wouldn't be trying to date a single man along with trying to accept the A, since as first fiddle you'd be getting everything you wanted (which is the situation this thread seems to be about and which I think most of the comments are predicated on).

Edited April 20, 2015 by MissBee

[cocorico]

ew what good guy is gonna wanna date a woman who is currently banging some other woman's husband?! sick!

 

Luckily not everyone shares a common view on what constitutes a "good guy", so those who value personal integrity (someone who doesn't cheat on their income tax, whose business dealings are above reproach, who is honest with friends, etc) above self-righteousness (those who reject whole groups of people in principle, rather than first considering the individual story of how someone came to be where they are) will still find plenty of "good guys", even if those "good guys" aren't considered "good" enough by those who only value self-righteousness.

[cocorico]

If you are/were the primary relationship then your situation is not what's being addressed with this topic. The OP specifically set the parameters for what she is discussing: selfish AP, needs won't fully be met, but you're trying to "embrace" it despite not being primary and not getting all you want.

 

If you and he are now together, suffice it to say, your situation was probably one where you were indeed not second fiddle and the MM took steps to be with you full time and you're not a forever OW trying to figure out how to deal. But for the years long OW who is on here asking how to embrace the role, I doubt she is in the same boat of being the primary person, in fact the very opening post laid out the fact that in the scenario the OP is asking about the OW is not the primary person.

 

I don't think any of these comments are targeted at OW who became the primary person, no one is challenging your specific situation, the situation the OP is asking about isn't yours. Evidently, if your relationship transitioned it means you're not in the same boat of being the "happy OW" or playing second fiddle, and if I recall you have spoken about your OW melt downs and said you weren't happy with being a permanent OW...but if you're almost a decade in and are still trying to juggle it and figure out if you can still date etc it means you are clearly NOT happy and not first fiddle, as if you were you wouldn't be trying to date a single man along with trying to accept the A, since as first fiddle you'd be getting everything you wanted (which is the situation this thread seems to be about and which I think most of the comments are predicated on).

 

 

This is a false dichotomy. Some of us whoa are now "Mrs MM" we're once "years long OW". Landing up together is not precluded by the A having lasted years.

[mokamint7]

I certainly knew "my place" in the hierarchy of his life - I came first. When I wanted him, he was there.My expectations were anything but "low". I knew what I wanted, and if he couldn't deliver, he had no place in my life. So he made sure he delivered.

 

And no - shock! Horror! - he never lied to me. He may have lied to her by omission, but that was the nature of their relationship

 

Same here. I've felt that this A is okay for the most part. I'd like to see him more, and I do have my days where I don't understand how he can go home to his GF when our connection is like none other. But I like my space, I like it just being my kids and I, and he's never lied to me or lead me on to believe we would ever be more. Idk, I feel weird for being mostly okay with this A.

[mokamint7]

ew what good guy is gonna wanna date a woman who is currently banging some other woman's husband?! sick! I'd be totally depressed with myself if I was happy being someone's 2nd fiddle.

 

LOL. Good point. But he's not married (even though I guess that doesn't really matter if we're still having an A lol). And I only sleep with one guy at a time. So I'm not banging two guys, lol. If I get to that point with a new guy I either break it off with AP or tell AP the truth which leads to an argument which leads to us breaking it off. And I actually don't feel like I'm second fiddle all the time. I know when you break things down, I am second fiddle but I'm okay BC I dnt feel like I am. My kids are more important to me than a R, so it works for me.

[mokamint7]

people who are admittedly emotionally unavailable in some way tend to do better with "embracing the OW role" as they genuinely are unable to, for whatever reason, be in a full relationship so the strictures of the A that end up bothering most people don't bother them at all.

 

I think there are more who have done it for so long that they move from hope for more to realizing it won't happen; but, because they still want the MM in some fashion and think part time is better than nothing they eventually try to reorganize their thinking to say they accept the situation. It's about being honest with yourself more than anything else IMO. It's a matter of genuinely asking yourself what you REALLY want and whether the situation really provides it or you're settling.

 

 

Like I said, the answer to this question isn't one of if it's possible for someone somewhere in the world, sure it is, the question should be is it possible for YOU and that's what you have to be honest about and weigh. I'll go ahead and wager that most genuinely happy OW are probably not mulling over how to accept the A because they are happy with it. I think if one has to question if it's possible and how, then that likely means one is not at peace and it's something one is still talking one's self into versus it being something you're naturally already satisfied with.

 

I am very emotionally unavailable for a relationship. I feel like I sabotage without really knowing when I'm doing it. I'm never happy enough and I know there's something emotionally wrong with me that I've tried to seek counseling for. So this A is what's right for me.

I've also been doing it for so long and I'm just now separating fantasy from reality. Doing so has made me embrace my role more, which is why I asked the question BC I feel damaged for being okay with what I'm doing. I'm happier with "part" of him then him not being in my life at all.

And you're right, I'm not totally at peace with my role, but I'm more so than not. And I wasn't sure if that was possible, BC most people on this forum are trying to stop. The more I analyze my life and being the OW, the more I'm beginning to understand and accept and be happy with it. Something I didn't really start doing until I found this site.

Edited April 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[still_an_Angel]

Although I'm in a LTA I don't believe I "embrace" the role of an OW. Based on some posts on this thread, some people think OWs always take on a lesser role and waits around for tidbits of what the MM can throw their way. This is not always the case though, each A has its own dynamics. In my case I have a far busier family life being a solo parent, MM has to wait for me at times. Its not just his situation that drives our time together. But then he is far busier with his work responsibilities than me. We compromise on the time we give each other.

 

We want to be together so we work around our lives, there are issues/situations that I don't like being the OW just as there are advantages of being in a part time relationship. I don't embrace the role but this is also only what I can give.

[mokamint7]

I I recall you have spoken about your OW melt downs and said you weren't happy with being a permanent OW...but if you're almost a decade in and are still trying to juggle it and figure out if you can still date etc it means you are clearly NOT happy and not first fiddle, as if you were you wouldn't be trying to date a single man along with trying to accept the A.

 

Yes, you are correct. I seriously go back and forth in my mind on a daily basis. This time around things are different BC my three children's adoption is now final. I stopped around the time they were adopted and lasted six months before I caved. I attempted to stop again last week, but I was even more upset with that idea. I honestly don't think marriage is for me. And I pretty much only date now BC I feel bad for not being able to give my kids a father and traditional family (especially since they are already adopted). I want to at least try and find that for their sake. But I like the freedom that being an OW brings and they have the male role models they need. I guess being the OW makes me just as selfish as he's being....

[elaine567]

It seems to me that it all depends how the relationship started and the rules by which it continues.

I see women here who were in dark places, who reached out to the MM for help and who have become almost or truly codependent, and at the other end of a wide spectrum, those who used the MM as some sort of f*ck buddy, maintaining their own lives totally independently of his and he dances to their tune.

 

I guess the f*ck buddy model works best, the other side of that coin, seems to result in very sad, upset women.

[Got it]

Has anyone (or is it possible) to embrace and own the OW role? I know being the OW means your needs won't always be met and your AP is more than likely using you or being selfish; I get that. But if you and your AP have a sexually AND emotional connection, you're able to separate reality from fantasy, still be open to dating and meeting someone "real", could being the OW work? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately and wondered if anyone ever wondered the same and is content and has in fact embraced their role. TIA!

 

To answer the OP. Yes, i found peace and happiness in my role as his OW for the period of time that I designated I would be in the affair. In other words, we agreed to a year period of time to get his affairs in order to move things forward and I was happy during that time.

 

I did not feel like my needs were not met, that I was being used, and it was very real and not the "pop culture" that gets touted here at times about all rainbows, butterflies, and fantasy. In fact the man was mucking stalls pretty early on.

 

I was not looking to date others while being the OW though I did date some after the affair ended.

 

There really is no one answer, it is what your gut and heart are telling you. And just because something works one year doesn't mean that the rules don't change the next. Be your own best advocate, figure out what you want and lay it out for him. He will either met it or not. But you are being true to you.

 

And if you find happiness as the OW, that is fine. There is not reason that one feels they MUST feel guilty, sad, lonely to fulfill the prescribed rules of being the OW.

 

Just be you.

[Minnie09]

Well, I'm embracing it right now. This is the way to live for me at this stage in my life. The reason is that I simply have no time for a real relationship, or actually that I don't want to make more time for a relationship. I'm a single parent and I have a very stressful job. If I had a relationship, I would expect my significant other to have his own place. I wouldn't want to see my partner every day - I don't want to have dinner together every day - I don't want the whole every day mundane routine.

In my current R with MM, I feel like I'm number one. I don't feel like I'm just the fallback girl. I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I don't feel like other things take priority over me. He does make time, as much as he can, he treats me very well, he's very generous, and we're a good match. End of story. If he weren't M, that would be even better. But I still wouldn't get M, or move in with him, or see him every day. Which means that for him that probably wouldn't be enough. So I'm "thankful" he's got other commitments.

 

Will my attitude change? Will I be unhappy/jealous/angry/depressed/frustrated with the situation? Yes, that could happen. Not because I "feel" it coming.....but because that's what happens, based on statistics. I still don't think I'll ever change my mind. Will he? Possibly. If he gets caught, if he wants more, if things blow up. Life changes. Always.

 

I'm also never the one waiting around. It's more the other way around tbh.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Minnie09

[Hope Shimmers]

Leaving the morality thing totally out of it for the sake of being theoretical (yes, I know how hard that is), I have often thought I could be happy in this kind of situation long-term. Having already been in a lousy marriage for many years, I'm not exactly ready to jump back into another marriage. And the whole thing with ex-MM really soured the idea of marriage for me in several ways.

 

For quite awhile he and I basically lived together half the time (every other week) so in that way it was atypical of an A (although from the many variations I read, I sometimes wonder if the "typical" A is really just a generalization based on preconceptions that just don't describe the majority of situations).

 

So anyway - living together half the time, with one week being CONSTANTLY with him and the second week being several states apart, really gave me some time to compare the differences. We definitely got tired of emotional airport scenes, that's for sure. But when we were together, it wasn't all rainbows and fairy dust. It was "did you lose the cap to the toothpaste?" and "do you always have to drop your clothes in the middle of the floor when you take them off?" and "I hate that show, let's watch something else or at least turn it down... "

 

Then after a week of that, it was back to just me and I'll tell you now that I am out of the pain from the whole thing blowing up... I am not sure I want to live with someone 24/7 and deal with all of that, all the time. I just don't know.

[MissBee]

I am very emotionally unavailable for a relationship. I feel like I sabotage without really knowing when I'm doing it. I'm never happy enough and I know there's something emotionally wrong with me that I've tried to seek counseling for. So this A is what's right for me.

I've also been doing it for so long and I'm just now separating fantasy from reality. Doing so has made me embrace my role more, which is why I asked the question BC I feel damaged for being okay with what I'm doing. I'm happier with "part" of him then him not being in my life at all.

And you're right, I'm not totally at peace with my role, but I'm more so than not. And I wasn't sure if that was possible, BC most people on this forum are trying to stop. The more I analyze my life and being the OW, the more I'm beginning to understand and accept and be happy with it. Something I didn't really start doing until I found this site.

 

You yourself say you sabotage relationships and feel like you're never happy enough and you know something is emotionally wrong, the A seems symptomatic of that. You say you feel damaged for being okay with the A, but I think it's clear, as you've said, that other issues preceded the A and it's now just one output of that.

 

It makes perfect sense to be conflicted in an A for so many reasons and like I said, I have rarely seen an OW who is happy as an OW and nothing more even for all the talks of liking part time and so on. I'm not even sure what part time actually means in the first place besides emotionally unavailable, as many people who claim they like part time also say they were a priority and did everything they would do in a normal relationship with the MP...so I'm like huh?! And what exactly is part time about this except perhaps the emotional distance you can gain by saying it's part time. To me wanting "part time" doesn't mean anything substantial to me as I know lots of people in ambiguous relationships (if that is what part time is) or long distance ones, or any other configuration where no one is cheating, yet they don't live under the same roof and aren't together 24/7, have their freedom, in fact my old landlady and her husband had two separate condos on the same floor of a building so they could have their own space, so there are LOTS of ways to get freedom in a relationship or even be emotionally unavailable without it being an affair. Thus, concluding that an A is the best scenario for "part time" raises some questions one should think about for one's self in terms of why is that the case. Which like I said is the ultimate point, self reflection and being honest with yourself and figuring out what you can live with and can't and why you're doing what you're doing as well as to be real, we learn about relationships from our parents, which is something lots of people don't think about and think their relationship is some private thing that has no bearing on their kids...but it does and I think it's worth thinking about how you'll model loving, open, romantic relationships for your adopted kids.

 

Like I also said, I'm suspicious of the years long OW who finally "accepts it", I guess to each her own, but it doesn't read to me as true happiness but a form of settling and weighing that it's better than nothing. You've admitted you have some emotional issues and self sabotage, which makes sense that having the A is easier than working through that which requires a lot more emotional work and courage. This isn't a judgment by the way, trust me, I know that doing emotional work is not easy and temporary bandaids and carrying on with the status quo are MUCH easier often. But, if someone asked to point them to a happy OW, the admittedly self-sabotaging OW who has come to accept her lot as OW wouldn't be my particular definition.

 

I've been with taken men twice, one was a FWB type scenario, the other was a relationship-like A. In the former case I wasn't emotionally attached to this guy one bit, don't even consider it an A really, but in that sense I was happy with it and for me that was the true part time, as in he was out of sight and out of mind, I never depended on him emotionally, didn't talk to him a lot about my life, didn't act like he was my boyfriend, we got together for sex and that was that, so whatever else he chose to do didn't matter one bit. I lived my life and he lived his. I don't really understand, as I said, OW who depend on MM for emotional support and for all intents and purposes treat him like a bf and are in love and attached saying "I like part time..." what the heck does that mean? What is part time about your feelings and actions in that case? For me it's just code for emotional unavailability. In any event, with the latter guy, I was not a happy OW. I dealt with the parameters of the A grudgingly but I was not carefree or fully happy with it ultimately and I think for most OW who are in love or want a relationship or just to be able to introduce their SO to friends and family and do normal things it's extremely difficult to be happy with it and truly embrace it.

 

We can convince ourselves into anything though, believe me, these boards from dating to marriage are full of people convincing themselves of stuff...so ultimately like I said it's about honesty with yourself and checking in with yourself from time to time to see if you're being true to what you want, your values and the rest. Good luck!

Edited April 20, 2015 by MissBee

[Minnie09]

You yourself say you sabotage relationships and feel like you're never happy enough and you know something is emotionally wrong, the A seems symptomatic of that. You say you feel damaged for being okay with the A, but I think it's clear, as you've said, that other issues preceded the A and it's now just one output of that.

 

It makes perfect sense to be conflicted in an A for so many reasons and like I said, I have rarely seen an OW who is happy as an OW and nothing more even for all the talks of liking part time and so on. I'm not even sure what part time actually means in the first place besides emotionally unavailable, as many people who claim they like part time also say they were a priority and did everything they would do in a normal relationship with the MP...so I'm like huh?! And what exactly is part time about this except perhaps the emotional distance you can gain by saying it's part time. To me wanting "part time" doesn't mean anything substantial to me as I know lots of people in ambiguous relationships (if that is what part time is) or long distance ones, or any other configuration where no one is cheating, yet they don't live under the same roof and aren't together 24/7, have their freedom, in fact my old landlady and her husband had two separate condos on the same floor of a building so they could have their own space, so there are LOTS of ways to get freedom in a relationship or even be emotionally unavailable without it being an affair. Thus, concluding that an A is the best scenario for "part time" raises some questions one should think about for one's self in terms of why is that the case. Which like I said is the ultimate point, self reflection and being honest with yourself and figuring out what you can live with and can't and why you're doing what you're doing as well as to be real, we learn about relationships from our parents, which is something lots of people don't think about and think their relationship is some private thing that has no bearing on their kids...but it does and I think it's worth thinking about how you'll model loving, open, romantic relationships for your adopted kids.

 

Like I also said, I'm suspicious of the years long OW who finally "accepts it", I guess to each her own, but it doesn't read to me as true happiness but a form of settling and weighing that it's better than nothing. You've admitted you have some emotional issues and self sabotage, which makes sense that having the A is easier than working through that which requires a lot more emotional work and courage. This isn't a judgment by the way, trust me, I know that doing emotional work is not easy and temporary bandaids and carrying on with the status quo are MUCH easier often. But, if someone asked to point them to a happy OW, the admittedly self-sabotaging OW who has come to accept her lot as OW wouldn't be my particular definition.

 

I've been with taken men twice, one was a FWB type scenario, the other was a relationship-like A. In the former case I wasn't emotionally attached to this guy one bit, don't even consider it an A really, but in that sense I was happy with it and for me that was the true part time, as in he was out of sight and out of mind, I never depended on him emotionally, didn't talk to him a lot about my life, didn't act like he was my boyfriend, we got together for sex and that was that, so whatever else he chose to do didn't matter one bit. I lived my life and he lived his. I don't really understand, as I said, OW who depend on MM for emotional support and for all intents and purposes treat him like a bf and are in love and attached saying "I like part time..." what the heck does that mean? What is part time about your feelings and actions in that case? For me it's just code for emotional unavailability. In any event, with the latter guy, I was not a happy OW. I dealt with the parameters of the A grudgingly but I was not carefree or fully happy with it ultimately and I think for most OW who are in love or want a relationship or just to be able to introduce their SO to friends and family and do normal things it's extremely difficult to be happy with it and truly embrace it.

 

We can convince ourselves into anything though, believe me, these boards from dating to marriage are full of people convincing themselves of stuff...so ultimately like I said it's about honesty with yourself and checking in with yourself from time to time to see if you're being true to what you want, your values and the rest. Good luck!

 

I think when people say "I like part-time", it means what hope shimmers said above, that she didn't like the toothpaste argument, and that her one week on-off schedule suited her at that time. When they say part-time they don't mean emotionally part time. They mean having their space and life, apart and separated from their lover, when he's not around. And being ok with it. There may be some underlying intimacy issues there, due to foo issues, or past relationships that were crappy. I give you that. But it is not the end of the world. It's just a lifestyle that you choose. And yes - your landlady's approach was/is great. I like it. It's just hard to find a single guy who has the same mindset.

[eye of the storm]

I was quite happy in my OW role. It suited me at the time. 5 years later, it doesn't suit me any more. But I can say I was happy the majority of the time.

[anika99]

I think when people say "I like part-time", it means what hope shimmers said above, that she didn't like the toothpaste argument, and that her one week on-off schedule suited her at that time. When they say part-time they don't mean emotionally part time. They mean having their space and life, apart and separated from their lover, when he's not around. And being ok with it. There may be some underlying intimacy issues there, due to foo issues, or past relationships that were crappy. I give you that. But it is not the end of the world. It's just a lifestyle that you choose. And yes - your landlady's approach was/is great. I like it. It's just hard to find a single guy who has the same mindset.

 

And I believe MissBee is saying that one need not be in an affair in order to get space and time in a relationship.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think when people say "I like part-time", it means what hope shimmers said above, that she didn't like the toothpaste argument, and that her one week on-off schedule suited her at that time. When they say part-time they don't mean emotionally part time. They mean having their space and life, apart and separated from their lover, when he's not around. And being ok with it. There may be some underlying intimacy issues there, due to foo issues, or past relationships that were crappy. I give you that. But it is not the end of the world. It's just a lifestyle that you choose. And yes - your landlady's approach was/is great. I like it. It's just hard to find a single guy who has the same mindset.

 

Actually I was extremely unhappy in the every other week thing because at that time I didn't sign up for an affair (and at that point he was technically still separated). I signed up for a relationship, but ended up in an affair.

 

I think it is about expectations. Again leaving morality out of it, I'm in a much different place now in my life than I was then, and I find myself wanting different things. I certainly don't want to buy a house with a man (I already have 2 houses) and I don't want to have more kids. And I have plenty of friends. So I'm not giving up any of those things that the poster listed above.

 

I find myself avoiding relationships when they start getting serious. When a guy starts getting to the clingy, wanting to be with me all the time stage, leading to the exclusivity stage and commitment stage and living together stage, I'm done. Actually I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about why that is, and I think that's why.

 

But yes, for me to do that "part time" kind of situation again, the key would be that my expectations would be totally different and just as you said - not wanting to deal with toothpaste caps. I think I can love someone fully and/or be emotionally invested without all that. Although it would be nice if he mowed the lawn and could fix things around the house.

 

I just like living by myself, you know?

[Hope Shimmers]

And I believe MissBee is saying that one need not be in an affair in order to get space and time in a relationship.

 

Very true.

[sandylee1]

Miss Bee ,

 

I agree with a lot of what you've said. I knew a woman years ago and it seemed like she had embraced the role of OW. She almost tried to convince people it was better. There were no attachments and she was so busy with work and her social life, she didn't have time to dedicate to a relationship.

 

You can see the good in many bad situations if you dig deep enough. A relationship where you have a BF, that you don't live with would allow you sufficient free time as well. Married people or those in other committed relationships don't have to live in each others pockets.

 

The OW certainly embrace the role and many do genuinely believing they make life better for the MM, that he only has fun with her, that she is the stress reliever and believing MM truly loves her.

In embracing the role, if the OW is okay with never going out in public with MM, sneaking on any possible vacations, knowing she cant call anytime, not being part of his life - other than as a secret, being able to visit if he was sick in, not being able to socialise with him and his friends, then it absolutely can work. That would be heaven on earth for many men.

[Sassy Girl]

I wouldn't say I embrace it, but I'm happy with the status quo.

 

 

But I'm a MOW, so I don't want another husband.

 

 

I dot want to share a home or family with MM or any of those things.

 

 

 

 

We both already have those.