Strange contact from ex. Feeling really bad

[BC1980]

And yes this thread is a perfect example of why sometimes when things end so badly, there really is no closure and it's best to just move forward and keep quiet.

 

Yup. She shouldn't have texted him, and he shouldn't have responded. This thread is a perfect example of why NC should be followed.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yup. She shouldn't have texted him, and he shouldn't have responded. This thread is a perfect example of why NC should be followed.

 

Yep, she poked the bear and got the **** clawed out of her because she startled the crap out of the bear. Now the bear is like "welp, this sucks".

[hunk]

This is an excellent thread from the OP and all of the posters who offered advice.

 

And, wow what a cluster f*** of a story and relationship.

 

I agree with those who think this girl is done, BUT, there still is a remote chance (now that she knows he loves her and wanted her back) that hunk may sway back into her favor. If this occurs, and she reaches out, she is blocked. It would be terribly awful if this girl ends up eventually responding, pours her heart out, and he doesn't get the message.......therefore she gets no reply and then is left AGAIN hurting and further destroyed then she has been already.

 

Hunk- you may want to unblock to avoid that. And just continue on as you have been.

 

And yes this thread is a perfect example of why sometimes when things end so badly, there really is no closure and it's best to just move forward and keep quiet.

 

I can see where you're coming from. I didn't actually block her phone number, just deleted it (meaning I can't ever contact her because i don't know her number and we have 0 mutual friends). I blocked her on every form of social media. So in the almost impossible situation of her reaching out (if she didn't delete my number) that line is still open.

 

I've been feeling pretty strange lately, kind of "out of it" as if i'm just floating around. Really struggling to come to terms with why I acted like I did and i just can't seem to. I've realized the best way I can describe my behavior to anyone else is "indifference". I was pretty much indifferent to the whole relationship and just didn't care, even though there was evidently something deep inside me that really, really cared and connected with this girl. In retrospect I just can't explain it. I strung her along for 1.5 years. I have no idea why - I kept telling myself "something" was missing and it didn't feel "right", but I don't even know what that was. When we didn't talk for 2 weeks, I remember thinking "it's gonna end, she's gonna end it, she's finally had enough" and i just didn't care enough to do anything about it. It was like I felt as if i deserved it and this was how it was meant to end, but just didn't care. Nothing compelled me to fix things, commit, or make it a proper relationship.

 

I truly feel like it would've been worse for me not to give her the ex-gf explanation because without that it just would have come across as if I was PURELY stringing her along like some sort of sociopath for 1.5 years, for absolutely no reason. I do believe I was emotionally dead though from my past relationship though.

 

It sucks now because I just want to meet someone and give them everything, just to know that I am capable of it and to prove it to myself. I'd give anything for it to be her but there's just nothing in me that says I'm going to hear from this girl again. I think what I did was worse than cheating, possibly worse than abuse. It was just literally USING someone. Despite us getting along so well there isn't even a proper relationship for her to want to go back to - there's nothing, just her memory of me and the way I behaved towards her. That basically solidifies the reality that I will never hear from her again, this is one of those cases where you can say for certain. It's not like other breakups or relationships where there's residual love and feelings and memories of mutual love where the dumper reminisces fondly at some point - this is just, for her, "that guy who strung me along for 1.5 years while he tried to get over his ex, every moment we had was just him thinking about his ex, I meant literally nothing to him".

 

Sorry to rant, have had all this swirling around in my head recently and felt the urge to spew it all out. I feel kind of better.

Edited April 24, 2015 by hunk

[Ruby65]

Well, hunk, you already know I disagree that you'll *never hear from her again*.

 

And I also think it's for the best if there's some time before she does reach out. Right now, you could be missing HER -- or you could just be missing relationships in general. You need time to clarify what it is you're thinking and feeling.

 

In fact, getting back together right now, and then realizing six months down the line that you don't really want to be with her after all, would probably be the biggest douche move imaginable.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a bit more time off dating while you regroup. If someone new and amazing crosses your path, so be it -- but I wouldn't be actively looking at this point.

 

Here's what you DON'T want to do: you don't want to ever "use" another person to get over someone else ever again.

 

So be sure, before you start dating someone new, that you won't be using THEM to feel better about this most recent breakup.

[hunk]

Thank you ruby, solid advice as usual. It's just kind of inconceivable for me at the moment to believe there's any reason for her to reach out, you know what I mean. Her anger didn't seem like irrational, break-up clouded vitriol - it was serious, thought out anger. She was so angry after the break up that she actually treated me decently. She ****ing hugged me for god's sake. Going from that, to liking my posts, to sending me that message and then telling me that she hates herself and is so disappointed for putting up with me/that she deserved so much better/that she will "never want to be with me again" and that "she's sorry but that's just it for me". That's worse than her telling me she hates me. It's finality that I actually believe.

 

And I can already guarantee you this whole thing has been so traumatizing I will never do this again. I don't even need to tell you that, I'm sure it's pretty obvious :lmao:

[Hopeful714]

Whether she deleted your number or not, she will remember it.

 

I wouldn't rush into any new relationship with anyone until you figure out why you did what you did. I am wondering if part of the reason is because many times we gravitate towards the unobtainable, or the one who makes us feel "crazy" with love or emotions whether they are positive or negative when actually maybe we should be satisfied and happy with the stable, non dramatic relationships we have that provide us comfort and are actually working. I suppose the difference between the two is knowing, discerning and choosing to have a healthy relationships as opposed to toxic ones. Was the rs with your ex a healthy rs or were you still bound to her by some sort of toxin keeping a hold on you?

 

I can say with certainty that right now girl #2 is thinking what the heck is wrong with this guy? He sees me for 1.5 yrs, uses me, tells me was still hung up on his ex then now misses me and wants me back? wtf! Ewwwww.

 

What's the worst in this whole debacle........is that I believe you... and the feelings you shared here. And I truly believe you are learning from this whole awful experience. But she will never know that for certain. Ever. And no matter who you become in the future, no matter what kind of great guy you become, to her you may always be the jack*** that toyed with her heart, took advantage of her and pined for his ex through the whole thing.

 

Which I suppose the above is better for her to heal then wondering why she had to encounter you at all and suffer such pain to ultimately become the portal through which encouraged you to grow and change.

[hunk]

Thanks hopeful. I definitely have meant every single thing i've said in this thread and every feeling i've claimed to have had. A roller-coaster for sure.

 

The relationship with my ex (before this one) was healthy. It was only during the breakup that things just turned horrible, we were both sleeping with EACHOTHER'S best friends as some weird passive aggressive way of making each other jealous. I was working with her and she'd intentionally do things to make me jealous, give me hope, spread rumours about me, all kinds of ridiculous ****. I met my recent ex during all of this and she was a breath of fresh air and someone I was genuinely interested in, but I was shut down from all the crap with my ex. As we saw eachother more the dynamic basically settled into her chasing me, not saying much about it, and me being the one calling the shots on the direction of the relationship. We got settled into a routine where neither of us tried, because I didn't care enough and I think she sensed that and was sick of holding out hope I was going to fully commit and make things happen. That being said, we got along amazingly well.

 

To be honest she NEVER opened up to me about how she felt about me. For all i know she might not've been over her ex either. Neither of us even spoke about how we felt about eachother. Truthfully though, in retrospect I know that's because she knew I wasn't 100% there and she didn't want to get hurt. I knew she loved me. I could see it every time I saw her. If she had said to me "Snap out of this ****, I'm done" before it got to this point i definitely think things would've turned out different. When I think back on everything it's insane we lasted 1.5 years. The only reason we did was because we genuinely enjoyed eachother.

 

I'm accepting everything now. I'm fine with what I told her, and I think it was necessary and for the best. She deserved an explanation for my behavior even if it was hard to hear. She deserves someone who would never think of doing this to her and someone who is 100% sure he wants to be with her. Having her erased on all social media is quite cathartic - she is gone forever now. There's nothing connecting us and I will never see her face again. She's a memory. The ghost that will always remind me of a fundamental life lesson I have learned.