Strange contact from ex. Feeling really bad

[darkbloom]

You gotta work out your own issues before you chase after this girl. Otherwise, you are going to end up right back at the start.

 

I can already tell you that she still cares about you and probably wants you back. She is also deeply hurt and deeply mistrustful of you.

 

Whatever you decide to do, you need to be consistent and not string her along anymore. If you don't want her back then let her go.

[marigo]

While I do not agree with the way you handled things in that relationship, I do not think you're a bad person. I dated a guy for 6 months with almost a similar situation. I dont think he used me to cover up the pain from his break up since him and his ex were broken up 6 years ago but they do have a child together. I know he genuinely wanted to try and see if he would develop feelings. However, it was pretty apparent that emotionally he just wasn't available. He is a nice guy, has such a good heart, wonderful father, probably the most patient person I have ever met. When we spend time with each other he is always so good to me and does treat me well. However, the "bad guy" aspect of things come into the picture in the sense that he rarely initiated communication or spending time with each other. It was always me. The only reason I didn't "give up" is that when I text him he responds and when I ask to see him he always makes time. But the overall picture is that the relationship was one-sided. It was all me. I was more confused and sad than happy. But I wanted to give it a chance so that was MY choice.

 

I see a lot of this in your relationship in that you weren't intentionally being abusive and saying things to hurt her feelings. Unfortunately, the biggest problem is that your heart was just not fully open or in it and that's what was hurting her. You are not giving her the relationship that she wants because you are just not completely open to it. I don't think you were doing it just to be an a******. Hence, why I am saying I don't think you're a bad person. You may genuinely care for her, but because you seemed to be so closed off, it really broke her heart in the process.

 

A relationship is a two way street. Even though at one point, I was angry at my ex, it was my decision to stay in it even if it was difficult. Your ex has every right to be angry and hurt, however, at the end of the day, it was her decision to stay with you for that long. I think what you need to figure out is how YOU feel about her and if you want to give it a chance. The fact that she is angry means that she still has feelings for you. Whether or not she will be open to letting you back in, I dont know. But you can only control your actions. So figure out what it is that you want. If you want to try, go for it. If she says no, you have to accept it. Take this as a learning experience. Sometimes when you're hurting, you drag people along with you to cover up that pain and end up hurting them in the process. So learn from this and know that for next time, another person may distract you. But you have to heal on your own at your own time. You did hurt somebody in the process and you may feel guilty for a while. But make sure for next time, be more aware of your actions and how it'll affect the other person involved.

[hunk]

Guys thank you so much for these responses. Seriously, this place is amazing. Cove and marigo, wow. I don't even know how to respond to those posts, they are fantastic. I do want her back. I've never met a girl like her in my life. Despite me not committing to a proper relationship, i stayed with this girl and had real feelings for her. In the haze of all my uncertain relationships, troubled dating and poor self worth she has been the one person that made me feel "safe" and the person I could for the first time be myself with. I loved her and it's pathetic I can only admit that to myself now, but I really did. I know i did and it took me completely detaching from my ex to properly realize what i'd done. I was still SEEING my ex on an almost weekly basis because she is in my friend circle, that's why it became so hard for me to let go. It's almost like, I would see my ex and hurt, but then remember I had this other girl who loves me and it was alright. But i was almost unable to detach properly when i was forced to see my ex. This isn't an excuse, it's just me trying to reason with myself as to why I behaved the way I did.

 

How do I tell her I want to try this again? As i've said, I really got the impression she was done with me. My gut is usually right (as is everyone's) and just the way she acted towards me basically screamed this - "you are an immature boy who cannot be in a relationship. I can't believe I wasted so much time with you. I am so angry at myself. I am an idiot for letting you do this to me, I no longer have interest in you. (She even SAID she wishes she could reciprocate me telling her I want her but she just "feels different now"). The fact she was even nice to me after we broke up and hugged me etc just makes me think this was a matter of her losing actual sexual and romantic interest in me because of my behavior, and she just dumped me like any other relationship where someone loses interest. To me, these are the words and actions of someone who is just done. I feel like she had time to process what I was doing to her, detach from me and shut off any interest for me.

 

I wish i could've had someone objectively filming our interactions or looking over my shoulder to tell me what was going on.

 

Can anyone suggest how I should bring things up with her? Do I just lay it all out?

 

Thank you again to everyone who has showed any interest/posted in this thread

[Zapbasket]

If what you say above is true, then you need to send her exactly what you said here. No joke--after all, you sent her verbatim words typed by a stranger on the internet, so now send her your own words, verbatim as typed straight from the heart on LoveShack in response to the questions, "Do you love her?" and, "What outcome do you want in this situation?"

 

I can tell that you are speaking from the heart. If you want to have great relationships for the rest of your life, with her or anyone else, use this as an opportunity to practice speaking directly from the heart, to practice being a person for whom vulnerability is a small price to pay for exposing your own heart's truth. THAT, my friend, will make you not only a "good" guy, but a truly outstanding one.

 

Send her what you wrote above, and please, let us know how it goes.

[hunk]

Yeah I'm going to do it tonight. I'm gonna have a workout and then just do it.

This isn't a matter of ego or anything anymore. It's not me desperately reaching out to someone who discarded me despite me treating them well, it's me reaching out to someone who I treated poorly and who I want a relationship with. I can't just sit here in no contact expecting that just because she dumped me she has to be the one to contact me about getting back together. If she rejects me it won't be a blow to my ego. It will be the ultimate closure for me and the absolute nail in the coffin of this, and I will permanently remove myself from her life and hers mine and be able to view this entire thing as the ultimate lesson in how not to treat another person and how to behave in a relationship.

 

I'll keep everyone posted

[lolablue17]

Yeah I'm going to do it tonight. I'm gonna have a workout and then just do it.

This isn't a matter of ego or anything anymore. It's not me desperately reaching out to someone who discarded me despite me treating them well, it's me reaching out to someone who I treated poorly and who I want a relationship with. I can't just sit here in no contact expecting that just because she dumped me she has to be the one to contact me about getting back together. If she rejects me it won't be a blow to my ego. It will be the ultimate closure for me and the absolute nail in the coffin of this, and I will permanently remove myself from her life and hers mine and be able to view this entire thing as the ultimate lesson in how not to treat another person and how to behave in a relationship.

 

I'll keep everyone posted

 

Don't do it as you said here. I'm busy right now, I'll try to right later.

But you have to think first.

[BlauFrau]

I strung her along for 1.5 years while I was trying to get over my previous ex. Didn't even call her my girlfriend. Didn't introduce her to my friends. Only saw her when it was convenient for me etc etc. The only reason it lasted that long was because we got along stupidly well and had (i am serious here) every aspect of our personalities and lives in common. She obviously knew this and tried multiple times to wake me up but I just wouldn't commit to the relationship and in her words "used" her. I never intentionally treated her poorly as a person I just disregarded her feelings and was an absolute immature scumbag, and the way I treated her was embarrassing and makes me very upset when I think back on it. She loved me and I couldn't even tell her closest friends that I was her boyfriend.

 

Apologize to her then cut it off. You were in the wrong and she is better off with out you, which is probably what you should tell her. Unless you want to get back together and treat her right.

[hunk]

Don't do it as you said here. I'm busy right now, I'll try to right later.

But you have to think first.

 

Alright, I'll hold off until I get some suggestions then. I'm not jumping the gun on this..

[hunk]

I messaged her about an hour ago (couldn't wait around anymore) saying this -

 

"A, I don't want you to think this hasn't been hard for me. It has been immensely difficult. I think about you and I miss you, I want to know how you are, what you're doing. I hate not being in your life. I understand you are angry at me and you are completely entitled to be. A, I want what we should've had, and what you deserved. I want to give you what I should have given you when I first met you. The past is done, I have moved beyond the person I was when we were together. I need you to trust me on this. If you'd like we can meet up sometime soon, i'd love to see you, if not I understand."

 

No response so far, I have a strange feeling I actually might not get one. But i guess we'll see. At least this is now out there. There's no more guessing or self torture. No response is as good as a "no thanks" and will be all I need i suppose. It's gonna suck but i'll have to deal with it.

[lolablue17]

Alright, I'll hold off until I get some suggestions then. I'm not jumping the gun on this..

 

I can't know for sure how to approach her. You have to decide.

 

But I think appologies belong to the past. You did it, she knows. She is not impressed because what can she do with you remorse? it only makes you looked better, which is what she hates.

 

She wants unconditional love. She wants you to say that you think about her days and nights, that you can't imagine your life without her, that you love her so much. She wants you to make gestures. Send her 5 big bouquet of flowers. Be creative. Tell her that you will do anything to get her back, and if she wants you to, you will climb the Everest to prove her.

 

The catch?! You don't know for sure that she actually will take you back. it's a risk, and that is what she wants the most - She wants you to take risks to win her. So be patient. Don't expect her to agree immediately. Even if she's convinced, she will try to make you wrapped around her finger for some time.

 

But i can't imagine a girl who doesn't secretly love you - to send a letter like that - she wrote you a love letter. For sure.

[mightycpa]

Well, I would have to disagree as I am a strong believer in karma, and using people is a horrible thing to do. Also, let's not try to minimize what hunk did. He's openly admitted to stringing her along while trying to get over his ex.

 

The lesson here is: if you're not over someone, don't go wreaking havoc with other people's hearts and emotions, particularly knowingly. It's wrong.

 

I can't see how someone could do this in good conscience. You know when you're using someone. Hunk admits to having known.

 

Also, 'hunk' says his actions don't reflect who is he as a person. Um, yes, actually, your actions in life do reflect who you are as a person, and reveal your true character. This is the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

Was the hunk's behavior towards this girl her karma for something she'd done in the past? If so, then why did karma pick hunk to deliver this justice, and how is it fair that he will now suffer for his behavior if he was merely doing karma's bidding? Why does hunk deserve to be repaid with ill when he was acting as an instrument of justice for the universe? How does karma itself get repaid for that injustice? It's an absurd notion.

 

Also, I'm going to submit to you that people change. Yes, hunk was displaying his character at the time, but my sense is that he wasn't fully aware of the damage that he was causing, and that he became aware only in retrospect. This is a seed for growth, and if you measure his character in two years, you'll probably find a different measurement. You can't talk about somebody's character as if it is a fixed thing that is not subject to change. We don't know him that well, but his words would suggest that this was an aberration, something done out of character. He seems genuinely remorseful, although I'm not sure if that's because of a selfish desire to have this girl, or because he recognizes he shat on her, or both.

[jen1447]

"A, I don't want you to think this hasn't been hard for me. It has been immensely difficult. I think about you and I miss you, I want to know how you are, what you're doing. I hate not being in your life. I understand you are angry at me and you are completely entitled to be. A, I want what we should've had, and what you deserved. I want to give you what I should have given you when I first met you. The past is done, I have moved beyond the person I was when we were together. I need you to trust me on this. If you'd like we can meet up sometime soon, i'd love to see you, if not I understand."

 

That's an awful lot of "I"s. Were you trying to reinforce some sort of perception of self-centeredness with her, both by focusing on your feelings and by contacting her when she clearly said don't contact her?

 

Sorry if I'm being mean, but sometimes niceness just doesn't cut thru the fog.

[hunk]

Well guys ... she wrote back ... you're in for something here...

This was her response -

 

"Hunk, I am doing fine thank you. I do miss you at times aswell, but i guess that's just how it goes right?. Hunk, I am still so angry at you. I am just so, so angry. I cannot believe myself, i deserve so much better than you."

 

After this I basically laid everything out. Told her about being emotionally unavailable because of my ex, told her I take complete responsibility and that I would do anything to show her how sorry i am.

 

This was her response

 

"wait - you were hung up on another girl? you've got to be ****ing kidding me. There is absolutely zero chance I would ever get back with you after you tell me this. You were hung up on another girl while you were with me? You USED me to fill the time? I don't even know what to feel right now. Please go **** yourself. I don't ever want to hear from you again. I really wish you never told me this. Stop acting like you are remorseful, stop acting like this is some wake up call. There is no excuse for what you've done. You used me for 1.5 years. I will never understand how one person can do that to another person. I will never forgive you and i will never want to be with you again. That is just it for me. I want you to leave me alone. Please don't contact me again"

 

So. Needless to say I feel lower than I have ever felt in my life right now

[Simon Phoenix]

Well guys ... she wrote back ... you're in for something here...

This was her response -

 

"Hunk, I am doing fine thank you. I do miss you at times aswell, but i guess that's just how it goes right?. Hunk, I am still so angry at you. I am just so, so angry. I cannot believe myself, i deserve so much better than you."

 

After this I basically laid everything out. Told her about being emotionally unavailable because of my ex, told her I take complete responsibility and that I would do anything to show her how sorry i am.

 

This was her response

 

"wait - you were hung up on another girl? you've got to be ****ing kidding me. There is absolutely zero chance I would ever get back with you after you tell me this. You were hung up on another girl while you were with me? You USED me to fill the time? I don't even know what to feel right now. Please go **** yourself. I don't ever want to hear from you again. I really wish you never told me this. Stop acting like you are remorseful, stop acting like this is some wake up call. There is no excuse for what you've done. You used me for 1.5 years. I will never understand how one person can do that to another person. I will never forgive you and i will never want to be with you again. That is just it for me. I want you to leave me alone. Please don't contact me again"

 

So. Needless to say I feel lower than I have ever felt in my life right now

 

All I can say is live and learn. I'm guessing you will never make this mistake again. If that's the case, while this is painful now, it will be beneficial down the road because it will make you a better person.

 

As for her, I'm pretty sure she regrets poking the bear right now. She went to tell you off and now she feels much worse for doing so. She should have kept her No Contact instead of "learning" the whole truth.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are reaping what you've sown. You aren't a bad person, you just didn't conduct yourself in the best way with this woman. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you learn from your mistakes and don't make the same mistake twice, you'll end up a better person because of this, even though it sucks right now.

[Cinnamonstix]

Hey hunk, it's ok. She is reacting emotionally right now because it is a huge blow to her ego. She will need to take time to digest this. I think you should be absolutely proud of yourself for being 100% honest with her. Perhaps it is too late, but it's the truth. I don't know what you said to her exactly so it's difficult to comment more.

 

Seriously though, don't let it get you down. You were being genuine. She will calm down in time. Don't know where that will lead, but she will.

[jen1447]

"....Please don't contact me again"

 

So. Needless to say I feel lower than I have ever felt in my life right now

So I assume you're going to contact her again? Really, if this isn't a lesson on respecting boundaries, I don't know what is.

[Simon Phoenix]

So I assume you're going to contact her again? Really, if this isn't a lesson on respecting boundaries, I don't know what is.

 

In his defense, she contacted him first to start this whole saga (which I'm guessing she regrets immensely at this point). That being said, I really hope he lets it be and respects her wishes for no further communication. But yeah, this should be a warning tale for those of us that wish to try to get the last word in with their ex. I'm guessing this wasn't what she was expecting the result to be.

[seminoles84]

As soon as you said you sent a message back I knew it wouldn't be the end of it. Boy did it escalate.

 

Cut all contact.......

[mightycpa]

In his defense, she contacted him first to start this whole saga (which I'm guessing she regrets immensely at this point). That being said, I really hope he lets it be and respects her wishes for no further communication. But yeah, this should be a warning tale for those of us that wish to try to get the last word in with their ex. I'm guessing this wasn't what she was expecting the result to be.

That said, he did send her my words verbatim, which ended with

 

You won't hear from me again.

He should have kept that promise, but either way, he's in the same place now.

[Simon Phoenix]

That said, he did send her my words verbatim, which ended with

 

He should have kept that promise, but either way, he's in the same place now.

 

Very true. He should have stuck with that. Hopefully he does now.

[Ruby65]

So. Needless to say I feel lower than I have ever felt in my life right now

 

It's good that you told her everything. It's good that she was able to tell you off so royally.

 

It's also good that you feel so bad right now, because THAT is what's going to keep you from ever treating anyone else the way you treated her.

 

And even though she hates you right now -- and rightfully so, IMO -- at least you can know you gave her the gift of being able to reject YOU this time around. Sure, she's probably feeling bad and emotional right now.... but ultimately that's probably going to help her heal and move on more than another three months of NC would have.

 

As far as future reconciliation? I would say the chances are very good. I would be very surprised if you didn't hear from her another month or two down the road.

[hunk]

^ i'm going to assume that part about reconciliation is sarcasm and it's upset me a fair bit, not really in the state to be finding the humour in much of all this. But thank you. From this I have learned possibly the biggest lesson of my life to date. I will never treat another human being the way i treated this girl. I feel absolutely horrific, sort of like an alien right now, like i'm looking down at myself. I've never been spoken to like that by anyone. My self loathing is at an all time high and I don't really know what to think. I just can't believe I've made someone so upset, i've literally made someone HATE me to the point they never want to speak to me again. I have to now live with this, aswell as the regret of my actual behavior together with the knowledge that what i've done is irreparable. I feel worse than a guy who has abused or cheated on their partner.

 

Learn from me guys. I am the ultimate mess. Let this thread be a testament to treating your girlfriends like gold and treating the people you care about with respect and in the way you want to be treated.

[Ruby65]

No -- I wasn't being sarcastic at all!

 

I really do think she's furious and hates your guts right now.... but in a month or two, I wouldn't be surprised if she did a complete 180. Remember, her anger is just a mask for how much hurt she's feeling.

[Cinnamonstix]

No -- I wasn't being sarcastic at all!

 

I really do think she's furious and hates your guts right now.... but in a month or two, I wouldn't be surprised if she did a complete 180. Remember, her anger is just a mask for how much hurt she's feeling.

 

Exactly. I don't see this as a bad thing. In time she will actually respect you for letting the whole truth out. Seriously. Be proud of yourself. This is a catalyst for change.

[elaine567]

As far as future reconciliation? I would say the chances are very good. I would be very surprised if you didn't hear from her another month or two down the road.

 

Why do you think that?

Because my take on this is, he was with her for 1.5 years and he has just admitted to her, he was hankering after his ex the whole time.

So every nice day they spent together, every nice memory she had of their time together is now clouded with the fact he didn't want HER, he wished she was his ex.

I don't know about his gf, but my ego wouldn't deal well with that.

 

She basically reached out to Hunk, and was dealt the worst news ever IMO, worse even than "I never want to get back with you".