Strange contact from ex. Feeling really bad

[Ruby65]

I think she'll want to reconcile because, reading her reply to his confession, was almost word-for-word what I would write to my most recent ex, who I'm not over yet.

 

Yeah -- I'd definitely eviscerate him on paper and enjoy the thought that he was suffering for a month or so, like he made ME suffer....

 

... but in time, the reality that he wanted to try again would be too much to resist.

 

Hunk WAS finally giving her the full, unvarnished truth -- he was apologizing and asking for another chance -- he was getting all her vitriol spewed right back in his face -- and he let her even the score by this time around rejecting him.

 

And he is, after all, Hunk.

 

So yeah, I think the chances for reconciliation are high.

[hunk]

I told her I was never wanting to get back with my ex. I said (the truth) that I worked with her and thus had to see her every week, after she dumped me and intentionally started harassing me and making my life hell. I told her I didn't have a single emotion towards my ex besides pity and indifference and that I NEVER, at one point, wanted her or thought about her while we were together.

 

I admitted the reason for my behavior, and it was because I was completely emotionally unavailable due to what happened with my ex. I had the biggest wall up a person could possibly have. I really, really stressed this. I just wanted to be completely honest with her. I told her I never should have got involved with her but everything I felt for her was genuine and I was never unsure of my feelings for her, I just couldn't communicate them or understand how to deal with them properly.

 

I laid EVERYTHING out, and left nothing unsaid. I took blame for absolutely everything, expressed genuine remorse and did not blame her or put anything on her at all. She just kept reiterating how "there is no excuse" and that she doesn't care about how I feel "in retrospect" and that she will never be able to forgive me or understand how I could let it go on for 1.5 years. I just agreed with her.

[frigginlost]

I agree with the others. This blowup was an absolute powder keg that needed to go off. She absolutely hates your very existence right now...

 

But, it won't stay that way.

 

Hunk, your honesty although extremely hard for her to hear, allows her to process just what the h*ll happened between you two. The fact that you feel like absolute crap is a very, very good thing.

 

You will hear from her again.

[hunk]

It was just rattling the way she reacted. She made me feel like there is something seriously wrong with me to the point I actually felt like crying. It's like what I was saying to her was just completely irrelevant. Her mind is made up that what I did to her is so messed up and unforgivable, and the way she was saying it was like she couldn't believe I was even bothering to apologize or even contact her. She's made me feel unbelievably horrible. I've been upset enough over the way I made her feel since even before the break up, and i've come out and told her that it has affected me greatly and that I'm as sorry as i could possibly be, and now she's got me hating myself all over again as if i'm some pathetic loser who she can't believe she even liked. That's how i feel, it's like she's so angry at herself for being with me.

 

I'm rambling now but there is just so much going through my head

[lolablue17]

It was just rattling the way she reacted. She made me feel like there is something seriously wrong with me to the point I actually felt like crying. It's like what I was saying to her was just completely irrelevant. Her mind is made up that what I did to her is so messed up and unforgivable, and the way she was saying it was like she couldn't believe I was even bothering to apologize or even contact her. She's made me feel unbelievably horrible. I've been upset enough over the way I made her feel since even before the break up, and i've come out and told her that it has affected me greatly and that I'm as sorry as i could possibly be, and now she's got me hating myself all over again as if i'm some pathetic loser who she can't believe she even liked. That's how i feel, it's like she's so angry at herself for being with me.

 

I'm rambling now but there is just so much going through my head

 

I advised you to be creative and let her know and feel how much you love her NOW!!! And you chose to talk about the irrelevant past, same apologies again, talking about "responsibility". Why would she care about responsibility, it's a dead past! She wants you to love her on present.

 

You also lost your mind and mentioned you Ex???!!!! She wanted you to offer her a future of her dreams, and all you can offer her is talking about your Ex and telling her that you loved your Ex more then her?!

 

If I knew what you're gonna say, i could predict exactly her reaction.

She is angry?! I'm angry at you! :):)

 

You have two choices.

1. Moving on.

2. Sending her very expensive gestures (tones of them), telling her that she is the love of your life. Dont talk about the past. But now of course it will be harder, longer and with much lower chances.

Edited April 21, 2015 by lolablue17

[Ruby65]

I advised you to be creative and let her know and feel how much you love her NOW!!! And you chose to talk about the irrelevant past, same apologies again, talking about "responsibility". Why would she care about responsibility, it's a dead past! She wants you to love her on present.

 

You also lost your mind and mentioned you Ex???!!!! She wanted you to offer her a future of her dreams, and all you can offer her is talking about your Ex and telling her that you loved your Ex more then her?!

 

If I knew what you're gonna say, i could predict exactly her reaction.

She is angry?! I'm angry at you! :):)

 

You have two choices.

1. Moving on.

2. Sending her very expensive gestures (tones of them), telling her that she is the love of your life. Dont talk about the past. But now of course it will be harder, longer and with much lower chances.

 

I respectfully disagree. She wanted to know the brutal, ugly TRUTH -- don't we all? -- and he gave her that.

 

She wanted him to admit what a lowdown horrible worthless etc etc he was and how and why he rationalized treating her like Plan B for 1-1/2 years -- and he gave her that, too.

 

Deep down, she probably already KNEW it was all about that ex, anyway.

 

Sure, right now she wants to rip his face off and flush it down the toilet.

 

But if he sends her some expensive present? Or tries to sugar-coat what he did or maneuver around it all by telling her how much he wants her NOW? He's a dead man walking, my friend.

 

OP, I think you played it perfectly. Feel like human garbage now, go ahead and hate yourself! It's good for you.

 

But you've effectively leveled the playing field and (IMO anyway) created space for her to both forgive and miss you and reach out again.

 

[lolablue17]

I respectfully disagree. She wanted to know the brutal, ugly TRUTH -- don't we all? -- and he gave her that.

 

But the truth is that he loves her. And with all the irrelevant hurtful information he gave her, somehow that important truth went to the trash because she only heard that he loved his Ex more.

 

If he was connected to his Ex now on these days, it's a different story. But it isn't the truth now. Why is it so important to tell her about his past love to his Ex, instead of talking about the present and the future?

[jen1447]

Because his focus is still mainly on himself, ultimately. Notice how most posts in this thread have been about him and his feelings? I think the hunk still has a little growing up to do.

 

(No offense hunk, just gotta call it like it is.)

[hunk]

Who should my posts be about? I'm giving you guys the information regarding my personal experience so my posts are going to be about myself and what i'm feeling. My contact with her was an attempt by me to get everything out there which is fully admitting that I was the cause of the pain she was and is feeling. I had to talk about myself. I don't need to be told how bad she feels anymore because I know. Fundamentally it was my behavior that has caused this entire situation so I feel like I need to post about myself to hopefully gain some kind of understanding that leads me not to do it again. I really did try not to make it about me in that conversation with her, but since she kept telling me how messed up I am I had to explain myself. I don't have a single person in my life I can talk to this stuff about so that's why I'm posting here, it is my therapy essentially. I am still learning about who i am.

 

I also did tell her I love her, lola, and that my ex meant nothing. I never once said I had feelings for my ex or that my ex was important, but I had to tell her about her because it was a fundamental reason I behaved how i did. There was no other explanation for my behavior and I had to mention my ex.

 

I've deleted and blocked her on everything. Time to just get on with it

[Cinnamonstix]

I think what Jen1447 might be referring to is communicating to this girl how wonderful she is and everything she means to you, rather than how bad you feel for having hurt her.

[Ruby65]

If he was connected to his Ex now on these days, it's a different story. But it isn't the truth now. Why is it so important to tell her about his past love to his Ex, instead of talking about the present and the future?

 

Because she can't forgive him until he tells her the real truth about why they broke up.

 

And punishes him for it.

[Simon Phoenix]

No -- I wasn't being sarcastic at all!

 

I really do think she's furious and hates your guts right now.... but in a month or two, I wouldn't be surprised if she did a complete 180. Remember, her anger is just a mask for how much hurt she's feeling.

 

I don't know if I agree with this. I definitely understand the logic behind why you said it, but sometimes there are things get to a point where they are too far gone. I had an ex hurt me deeply, something for which she profusely apologized for and, down the road, decided that she wanted me back and was direct in doing so. I was tempted, but even though I forgave her for what she did to me, I wasn't willing to try again in part because I could never trust someone who had done me dirty like she did. There's a good chance that while hunk's ex will eventually forgive him, that all chances of being romantic with him are gone forever.

 

Ultimately this is a good thing for both parties though. She has all the information and he learns a valuable lesson on how not to act in a romantic relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

2. Sending her very expensive gestures (tones of them), telling her that she is the love of your life. Dont talk about the past. But now of course it will be harder, longer and with much lower chances.

 

http://www.jamiedole.com/gifs/nonono.gif

 

Sorry man, this is a dreadful idea at this point. First of all, this isn't a movie, and grand gestures don't work in these situations. Second of all, what doing these gestures say is that her feelings aren't worthwhile. "Oh, I'm not worried about hurting you, because I have these great flowers and I'm singing a romantic song from the balcony." She'd think he's even more of a jackass than she does now.

 

Now, if it gets to the point where they are dating again, then grand gestures can be awesome. But now she'd find them insulting.

[jen1447]

I think what Jen1447 might be referring to is communicating to this girl how wonderful she is and everything she means to you, rather than how bad you feel for having hurt her.

 

It's partially that, but more. I should probably just keep it to myself tho rather than beat up hunk anymore.

 

Apart from that hunk, I agree with those who've said you've done her a solid in a way by crystallizing the focus of her rage and animosity onto you. Despite the pain, having a punching bag to work over is much more healthy than always just going around with a vague feeling that you've been @ss-raped. So you can take some satisfaction in that, fwiw. (Honestly.)

[BlauFrau]

I messaged her about an hour ago (couldn't wait around anymore) saying this -

 

"A, I don't want you to think this hasn't been hard for me. It has been immensely difficult. I think about you and I miss you, I want to know how you are, what you're doing. I hate not being in your life. I understand you are angry at me and you are completely entitled to be. A, I want what we should've had, and what you deserved. I want to give you what I should have given you when I first met you. The past is done, I have moved beyond the person I was when we were together. I need you to trust me on this. If you'd like we can meet up sometime soon, i'd love to see you, if not I understand."

 

No response so far, I have a strange feeling I actually might not get one. But i guess we'll see. At least this is now out there. There's no more guessing or self torture. No response is as good as a "no thanks" and will be all I need i suppose. It's gonna suck but i'll have to deal with it.

 

This was well written.

[JS84]

What is it about the concept of NC or someone explicitly telling you NOT to contact them again that people find so confusing??

[hunk]

Alright, thanks for everything guys. All of your input has been more than I could ask for and invaluable. I'm going to take a break from this place for a while, I feel like I need to just detach from everything dating related. I'm inclined to agree with Simon that she is not coming back. I really think I hurt her enough to the point where she truly never wants to hear from or be associated with me again. I can't blame her for that, but I have at least tried to reach out and make things SOMEWHAT better, even though that wasn't the end result. I think what I did was better than just saying nothing, i've tried to show her I care and that means coming out and telling her everything. Anyway..

 

Thanks again guys

[Simon Phoenix]

Alright, thanks for everything guys. All of your input has been more than I could ask for and invaluable. I'm going to take a break from this place for a while, I feel like I need to just detach from everything dating related. I'm inclined to agree with Simon that she is not coming back. I really think I hurt her enough to the point where she truly never wants to hear from or be associated with me again. I can't blame her for that, but I have at least tried to reach out and make things SOMEWHAT better, even though that wasn't the end result. I think what I did was better than just saying nothing, i've tried to show her I care and that means coming out and telling her everything. Anyway..

 

Thanks again guys

 

Like I said, make this a learning tool. Whatever you do, do not make the same mistakes you did with this woman with another woman. As for this ex, I bet in time she'll forgive you. She just needs time to process all of this and vent her frustrations. At the very least you gave her all the info and gave her closure, even if that wasn't what she was looking for.

[hunk]

It definitely wasn't what she wanted to hear... I can't stop feeling like garbage though. I regret telling her about my ex. It just seems like it was unnecessary and i've now made things 1000x worse because she's thinking that the entire time we were together I was just thinking about my ex. Which is completely untrue, and I tried to tell her that. I know that in her mind nothing I say will change that this is how she feels - that I was using her to get over my ex. I guess I just need to be reassured what I did was the right thing to do because right now I feel like i've just re-broken her heart when my intention was the opposite

[JS84]

Which is why so many people were telling you to...wait for it...maintain NC. Reaching out to her was nothing more than attempt to make yourself feel better about a bad situation you caused, under the guise of making her feel better. As stated before nothing you could have said was going to make her feel any better and now all you've managed to do is make the originally bad situation even worse for you AND her.

 

 

When you end a relationship with someone and there's no need for contact, especially one that ends on bad terms like yours did, DO NOT MAKE CONTACT. Lesson learned I hope.

Edited April 22, 2015 by JS84

[Simon Phoenix]

It definitely wasn't what she wanted to hear... I can't stop feeling like garbage though. I regret telling her about my ex. It just seems like it was unnecessary and i've now made things 1000x worse because she's thinking that the entire time we were together I was just thinking about my ex. Which is completely untrue, and I tried to tell her that. I know that in her mind nothing I say will change that this is how she feels - that I was using her to get over my ex. I guess I just need to be reassured what I did was the right thing to do because right now I feel like i've just re-broken her heart when my intention was the opposite

 

I don't know if it was the "right" thing to do, but it's done.

[hunk]

I guess by "right" i mean I wanted her back and felt like she deserved to know the reason for my behavior. In retrospect yeah I blew it. But at the time my reasoning was "if this is going to go anywhere I have to be honest so we can leave it behind". Obviously this isn't how it's turned out, but for me not to give her some kind of explanation for why I did what I did to her for 1.5 years just seems like a bad thing to do.

 

JS84, yep, I shouldn't have broken NC. You are right, and I was never planning on doing so, however she "reached out" to me, and I saw it as a possibility to come clean and set some foundations for a new relationship. I really wish we had never met and I could just some how "refund" the last 1.5 years or something. :sick::sick:

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess by "right" i mean I wanted her back and felt like she deserved to know the reason for my behavior. In retrospect yeah I blew it. But at the time my reasoning was "if this is going to go anywhere I have to be honest so we can leave it behind". Obviously this isn't how it's turned out, but for me not to give her some kind of explanation for why I did what I did to her for 1.5 years just seems like a bad thing to do.

 

JS84, yep, I shouldn't have broken NC. You are right, and I was never planning on doing so, however she "reached out" to me, and I saw it as a possibility to come clean and set some foundations for a new relationship. I really wish we had never met and I could just some how "refund" the last 1.5 years or something. :sick::sick:

 

You didn't blow it because there was nothing to blow. It was over. You weren't getting her back. There was no play to get her back.

[JS84]

JS84, yep, I shouldn't have broken NC. You are right, and I was never planning on doing so, however she "reached out" to me, and I saw it as a possibility to come clean and set some foundations for a new relationship. I really wish we had never met and I could just some how "refund" the last 1.5 years or something. :sick::sick:

 

She wasn't "reaching out" to you. She wanted a punching bag. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut and take the hit. Instead you punched her right back with a lead glove in some misguided attempt to improve the situation.

 

It's over. Learn from this, cut your losses, move on, and don't make the same mistake with the next girl.

 

I'm not trying to bash you. These stories of people taking their significant other for granted THEN wanting to make things better when it's waayy too late are just so tiring.

[Hopeful714]

This is an excellent thread from the OP and all of the posters who offered advice.

 

And, wow what a cluster f*** of a story and relationship.

 

I agree with those who think this girl is done, BUT, there still is a remote chance (now that she knows he loves her and wanted her back) that hunk may sway back into her favor. If this occurs, and she reaches out, she is blocked. It would be terribly awful if this girl ends up eventually responding, pours her heart out, and he doesn't get the message.......therefore she gets no reply and then is left AGAIN hurting and further destroyed then she has been already.

 

Hunk- you may want to unblock to avoid that. And just continue on as you have been.

 

And yes this thread is a perfect example of why sometimes when things end so badly, there really is no closure and it's best to just move forward and keep quiet.