Family driving me nuts - midlife crisis?

[Lucky Dog]

Hi,

 

I may just be going through a midlife crisis, but I am beginning to feel very irritated and grumpy with my family. I feel they are very frustrating, demanding, a huge burden on my shoulders, literally squeezing the meagre happiness I have in my life out of me (when I am alone I am actually fairly content and happy, but when they are all home, I feel frustrated, hopeless, pessimistic, like I have no life). It’s funny because I have the same life issues to face wether they are around or not (not being able to buy a house, having to move because of the landlord wants to move in, having to work two jobs until I’m 80 to survive, etc.) but when I am on my own I really don’t get fazed at all by them and am quite carefree and optimistic, but when my family are with me all I feel is suffocated, helpless, despondent, etc. Am I typical, or do I hate my family? Would it be better if I moved out?

 

Anyway, are there any other mid-40s married family men out there (or their wives) who could offer some advice or help?

 

Thanks

[Lil Honey]

Lucky Dog,

 

I am 44. I have felt the way that you have described.

 

There was a time that I felt as though I was being pulled in different directions by everyone and everything. I was a Mom, I was the daughter worrying about my aging mother, I was a wife, I was a student, I was an employee and there was no room in my life for ME.

 

Does your wife work? Is there a way that she does (or can) help out (even a little) financially? That would ease the money burden. If nothing else, you would be able to go out for dinner once in a while.

 

How many kids do you have? How old are they? Do you have parents close to you that you worry about their health?

 

I think a LOT of how you are feeling comes from the fact that you are working two jobs, with little or no "reward" for doing so with no end in sight. I think a good start for you would be to take a Saturday afternoon to yourself and just go wonder around the tool department of Sears or go somewhere quiet (like the library). Someplace that you can go and it won't cost anything. You should arrange some time to yourself each week and your wife should have some time to herself as well.

 

How is the communication between you and your wife? Could it be better? If both of you are employed, do you have a budget? Can you talk to each other about money or does one person take care of it? I think it would be important to set a financial goal to save a little at a time for something that you want or something you want to do. That way, you would be working, but you would be working for something with meaning to you.

 

To answer your question, I think you are typical. I don't think you hate your family. Unfortunately, I think you have lost your SELF and now it's time to find him.

[Lucky Dog]

Hi Lil Honey,

 

Thanks for replying

 

That sounds like good advice - someone else told me to take a half-day to myself to run, ride bike, etc. (problem is that my wife does work fulltime, but doesn't earn very much, so I'm not sure I can afford to take any time off)

 

The problem is that I feel like I have lost my 'self' as you say, but that I also have lost any hope or dreams of what I would become or how my life would turn out, so in a sense, there is no 'myself' because it has been killed by resposibility, broken dreams, financial hardship, etc.

 

I wonder if I could afford to spend time by myself if I would actually find myself or if it is already long disappeared

 

Glad to know that you think I am normal and not alone though - thanks

[Lil Honey]

Lucky Dog,

 

I am going to assume that your kids are old enough to stay by themselves at least for a short while. That frees up a little time and responsibility.

 

You work two jobs, so you don't have a lot of time, but if you could just find . . . let's say 15 minutes to start with . . . I think you WOULD find more time after you start "finding who you are", simply because the time to yourself will become a priority. When you get out of work, instead of getting in the car and going home, go for a short walk. Or once you get home, go for a short bike ride right after dinner.

 

Since your wife works full time, both of you should be able to "give" the other time to go off alone (if your kids are too young to leave alone, for example). If you have small kids, suggest that you put them in a stroller and the whole family can go for a walk - sometimes.

 

Get a good book (free at the library), go to a park and just read. Get fresh air in your lungs (unless you live in LA, LOL), get some sun on your face, and relax.

 

I think that it's important that you tell your wife how you feel. If you work together, both of you may be able to work out time so that each of you feels like you are getting at least a small piece of your lives back. A huge part of marriage is communication. If you don't talk to each other, one or both of you will feel used and unappreciated, then will feel resentment toward the other - and that my friend, is a slippery slope.