Friends, but in love with each other? Long, but need advice--PLEASE

[karenina21]

OK...I'm a first-timer here and this is really long so please bear with me. I'm female, 25 and have been friends with "A" for five years. He's 30. We met when I was an intern in college at a local TV station, and he worked in the department where I interned. I got the feeling from my first day there that he liked me because he kept following me around and asking me questions about my writing, where I was from, etc. He then asked me out and gave me his phone number after a few days. At the time I was with someone else (though not happy, except I didn't realize it until it was too late) so I told him I had a bf and said I wanted to be friends and gave him my phone number. I then found out he had just started dating his gf (who he's still with) but he thought I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen and was captivated by me the minute he laid eyes on me.

 

So, we've been friends for five years. He's literally and figuratively watched me grow up. He was there when I was a struggling college student. He was there when I graduated. He was there when I found my first job. He was there when I complained about my ex and gave me advice. He was there when I dumped my ex. He was there when I found my current bf and has listened whenever I have needed him or had a problem of any kind. He always tells me how wonderful, beautiful and special I am and that I deserve the best and to be treated right. When I was in a car accident and broke my ankle and was out of work for months, he called me nearly every day. We continue to be friends, to talk on the phone and e-mail each other at least once a week, and I developed feelings for him as well, but I didn't say anything because I was in love with my bf.

 

Well, about two years ago he started being really distant, and I was busy with work and my bf, so I was wondering where he'd been. He then sent me an e-mail saying he was sorry he had been ignoring me, that he had strong feelings for me and wanted me to know. He also said he was really confused because of these feelings and also his concerns over hurting his gf. I responded to this e-mail by saying gently that I thought of him like a brother--again denying my true feelings. He said he understood and said he didn't want to hurt his gf (she's a needy type). He then dropped out of sight for awhile.

 

A little while after that, though, he contacted me via e-mail and I wrote back and finally told him the truth about my feelings for him. We had a long phone talk and he said he was very confused, that his gf had hacked his e-mail and found our notes to each other, and they nearly broke up over it so that's why he stayed away from me.

 

So to this day, we are still with our significant others and talk about once or twice a week, but after our last "confessional" we decided we weren't going to hang out, that we were just going to be friends so as not to hurt the other people in our lives who we both love.

 

But despite that so-called pact, our talks always turn back to the 'what if' factor. He always says things with the gf are good, but then tells me that he feels confused, he has issues with her family, that when he talks to me he gets those flutters in his stomach, that he can truly connect with me in ways the gf can't relate to. I feel the same way.

 

We both agreed that the reason we don't hang out face to face is because we're afraid of what might happen if we did see each other...crossing the line into the FWB category.

 

So now we are again contemplating meeting up...but one or the other of us always ends up bailing out on the plan. I really don't know what to do. I have yearnings to meet up with "A" and tell him to his face how I feel. I feel like if we came face to face there would be no more denying our feelings for each other because we would see it in each other's eyes. We always talk for hours at a time. I keep thinking about "A" all the time and what we could have had. HELP!!! I'm sorry this is so long, any advice is appreciated.

[chubachoop]

You say you both love your partners but if you are in love with someone surely you wouldnt feel the feelings you feel for each other?

 

I have recently started a relationship with a good friend of mine of 5 years and I am so happy. We have been in a similar situation to yours in the past. We were there for each other thru college, we met as teenagers. Weve both had partners, supported each other thru breakups, and both knew deep down that we were right for each other. We were afraid to admit it at first and then we were afraid to spoil our friendship. I am all for friends getting together! Its the best decision I ever made. Firstly the relationship is so easy because we already know each other so well. also because we love each other so much as friends there is so much trust. It would hurt me to hurt him and vice versa. We have so much fun together too. Anyway to your situation... I think u should both finish with ur partners and get together, youll be so happy i bet cause u clearly are meant for each other. wait till ur both single tho, thats another good thing bout getting with a friend, theres no rush coz u know he will always be around

[karenina21]

Originally posted by chubachoop

You say you both love your partners but if you are in love with someone surely you wouldnt feel the feelings you feel for each other?

 

I have recently started a relationship with a good friend of mine of 5 years and I am so happy. We have been in a similar situation to yours in the past. We were there for each other thru college, we met as teenagers. Weve both had partners, supported each other thru breakups, and both knew deep down that we were right for each other. We were afraid to admit it at first and then we were afraid to spoil our friendship. I am all for friends getting together! Its the best decision I ever made. Firstly the relationship is so easy because we already know each other so well. also because we love each other so much as friends there is so much trust. It would hurt me to hurt him and vice versa. We have so much fun together too. Anyway to your situation... I think u should both finish with ur partners and get together, youll be so happy i bet cause u clearly are meant for each other. wait till ur both single tho, thats another good thing bout getting with a friend, theres no rush coz u know he will always be around

 

Chubachoop, thanks for your reply. It gets hard to be his friend sometimes because I know he feels for me and I for him, though we both kept denying it at different points in our friendship. We are both in serious relationships with our partners. He even said he and the girlfriend are getting married next year, but then he tells me he has doubts about her family and he's gun-shy to set a date. He says he always thinks about me and that I "have that affect" on him. I sent him an updated photograph last year and he said it took his breath away. I do love my boyfriend, but he's not the nicest person to me sometimes--yells at me, puts me down--and he dances around the subject of marriage. Sometimes he says it will happen, just not today. Other times he says he'll never get married. I just know that often I am getting bored. He's a workaholic, doesn't listen to my needs, and never has anything to say.

 

Neither of us wants to hurt our partners. But I know we both feel for each other and that's why we consequently avoid meeting each other.

 

I just don't know what to do.

[karenina21]

Thanks for your response and advice. The problem is that one or the other of us keeps initially denying how we feel, then admitting we feel something and saying we're confused. We have both been in serious relationships with the same person for the last four years, and don't want to hurt them. He talks about how great things are with his gf, that they are getting married next year, then tells me he has issues with her family and is gun-shy to set a wedding date. He always says I "have that effect" on him and when I sent him an updated photo of me not long ago, he said it took his breath away. As far as my bf, I do love him but sometimes he's verbally abusive and has really hurt my feelings, even in public. He has screamed obcenities at me at the mall and at restaurants. He dances around the subject of marriage, sometimes saying it will happen, just not today, and other times saying he'll never get married. Lately we don't talk much about anything of substance, I can't seem to get him in the mood, and I'm bored out of my mind. A couple of days ago I was sick and he just told me I was always sick when he wanted to get out and do things, that he was sorry I couldn't keep up with him, and he hadn't wanted to hang out with me that day. He then said he never makes weekend plans with anyone because I'll complain it cuts down on our time. Matter of fact, I've never said anything of the kind. His response is always "whatever you want to do."

 

I know "A" and I feel for each other and could be happy together. I don't think he could ever intentionally hurt me like that, as our friendship is so close. The problem is taking the chance. I can't get him to actually break down and meet up with me, even as friends. He's too afraid of hurting the gf. But last week he agreed he wanted to get together and even asked what I'd like to do. He always says he misses me, that I'm the greatest. In fact, I've been out of work due to a layoff, and he recently wrote me a very nice recommendation for a job.

 

I just think being with him would be so warm and comforting and sweet, to finally give in to all the years of waiting. I want to finally see him and let him see how I feel in my eyes. I just don't know if he feels the same way. I know he has feelings for me, but I just don't know if he has the guts to act on them. Though I no longer know if he knows I'm interested because I always say what a great friend he is and he's like a brother and his gf has nothing to worry about. I say that stuff because I really don't want to mess things up between them and would rather be friends than not talk at all, but actually I am in love with him all along and wish we could be more than friends. I don't know what to do about it, though.

[chubachoop]

i think the first thing you need to do is get rid of your boyfriend! You may love him but you do not deserve to be treated in the ways you describe! You must know this yourself though that you shouldnt be with this man? Not only is he abusive to you, you are in love with somebody else.

 

As for your friend it seems he is afraid to hurt his girlfriend maybe because he isnt sure on what will happen between you and him. If you break up with your boyfriend not for "A" but for yourself and because he treats you badly, you could thenlet your friend know how you feel about him. Be totally honest. If he really is in love with you he will leave his girlfriend Im sure but not untill you are available for him I dont think

[karenina21]

My boyfriend isn't like that all the time. We just have flare ups every now and then. Most of the time he is actually sweet, says he loves me and I'm so good to him, but he still never has much to say. He asks about my day and stuff, but once we get through that we don't really say much else. I get frustrated when he decides a conversation is over, or that he doesn't walk to talk about something. In fact, if I say something he doesn't want to hear, he will always tell me to go home. I get frustrated over the mixed messages--one day he says I should know that he feels the same way about me as I do about him, and that he wants to be with me long-term; the next, he says he doesn't believe in marriage. Strangely enough I do love him, but "A" has told me I shouldn't be with someone who treats me that way. But because I want to be with "A" but don't want to hurt his gf, I tell him things with the bf and me are generally fine and I'm really careful not to reveal to him that I feel more than buddy-buddy. But he knows me so well that he reads between the lines, whether it's what I say in my e-mail or the tone of my voice, and he will say he wants to make sure I am OK. But I don't know if he can read through me enough to know that I am still feeling him.

 

Do you think he could be in love with me too?

[sleeplessindallas]

Don't take this the wrong way, but what's coming through loud and clear in your posts is that you actually are unhappy and unsatisfied in your current relationship, and "A" is looking better and better to you. I've seen this a million times, both with myself and with other people. In the past, you've amused yourself with other people, and so has he, but now you are realizing the real value of someone who loves you for who you are. Other relationships can be based on attraction, but "A" knows you through and through, intimately (though not sexually intimate), and he loves you (despite it). This current bf clearly doesn't appreciate you for who you are and you do deserve better than what you are getting. Please don't marry this guy!! I can promise you that the outbursts will get nastier and more frequent if you do, and ultimately he will make you completely miserable. Maybe you already know this viscerally. The sooner you end this, the sooner you can date other guys, and even if "A" is never available, you deserve a chance to find someone who would never treat you this way. I bet you really know that, too. I suspect that subconsciously you're thinking, "I am about to be single, so I wonder if it is time for me to throw caution to the wind and see what might develop with A?" Been there, done that. Are you afraid of being single? You might have to wait a while if you are serious about making yourself available for A. You might wait forever. He is probably going to marry this woman he's seeing. So what then? Are you going to marry this bf of yours just so you don't have to be alone? Is being alone worse than being with this current bf? (Woudn't it be nice if we could have the bf's without the tempers????) Don't settle for less than what you really want in a guy - it's not worth it. I was married to the wrong guy for twenty years and feel I wasted a lot of the best of my life on someone who didn't deserve me.

 

I'm not making accusations or wanting to sound negative at all. Mostly this post is just a lot of thoughts that came to mind in rapid succession as I was reading your posts, and I thought I would just offer you some things to think about as you try to sort this out. Let us know how things turn out.

[karenina21]

Thanks for replying. It's true, on some levels I haven't been happy with my bf for some time now, but it's also true that my friend has been in the back of my mind the whole time. Ever since he announced he was getting married next year, but that he has doubts, it made me want to kick myself for not taking a chance with him when I had it. He's given me at least two. And now, I don't want to be a so-called homewrecker, but if he does still have feelings for me, I wish we could clear the air. Should I tell him how I feel? Just to be honest? I wouldn't tell him for devious purposes, but it might make me feel better to tell him the truth, even if what I want does not come from it. I think our friendship would survive if I told him, because we've told each other this stuff at different times before. The problem has been that neither of us has ever admitted feeling this way toward one another at the same time.

[NursieGirl]

Hi,

 

I'm in a VERY similar situation!!! Very similar.... I am actually married, got married very young. Been with DH since age 18, married at age 20!!! Really thought I knew what I wanted at that young age!

Became good friends with this guy from school who had a girlfriend. Started really innocently, too-- doesn't it ALWAYS?!?! Urgh. We had everything in common, and were just really good friends. We always flirted a lot and there were sexual overtones, but I've been with my H for 8 years and never even looked at a guy in a sexual way or romantic way or anything, so I didn't think much of it-- just thought I'd have fun and flirt with this guy. TROUBLE!!!

I kept things to myself until Friend asked me if I liked him romantically because he had TOLD his GF that he liked me romantically!?!?! So, I fessed up... yes, I liked him... but then of course, we were stuck with... we can't do anthing about it b/c we are both involved w/people... similar to your situation... His GF ALSO hacked our emails and was mad because of some of the stuff that we said (although there really was not too much said over email at that time)....

Problem for us was that we DID see each other a lot and were also alone sometimes and some physical things DID happen with us... (albeit not actual intercourse)...... we had a flirtation going on for several months before anything happened... once we were found out, all hell broke loose...he was kicked out and so was I.... we are back w/our prospectives, but want to be together... one problem is that we are sort of financially dependent on them right now... they do not want us talking to each other AT ALL.... although, we still do...although we can't call or email each other because that would not go over well.. we see each other at school and we talk then... (college). He will still flirt with me a lot and make sexual gestures, but then he will stop because he feels bad... it is SOO weird..

It's summer now.... won't be able to see him until the fall... am wondering if things will go back to being flirty, etc.. when we see each other again... don't have ANY advice, but just wanted you to know that I'm right there with you!!

[SuperFantastico]

Possibilities: (listed by letter because i like to look professional)

 

A - You and 'A' get busy on the side. Everything works out happy ever after.

 

B - You and 'A' get busy and find out its not what either of you wanted and get back together with your significant others(er who you were still with)

 

C - You and 'A' get busy, one of you likes it one of you dosnt and things get wierd real fast.

 

D - You and 'A' get busy, you both dump your current partners and get together.

 

E - You and 'A' get busy one or both of your partners finds out and you both get in alot of crap.

 

F - You and 'A' dont do anything, keep wondering what if and go on with your lives.

 

Just remember what we want and what we need are sometimes two entirely different things. This sounds like one of those grass is greener on the neighbours lawn type of things. Maybe instead of looking for happyness elsewhere(where you probably wont find it last very long) to figuring out why you are unhappy in your current relationships. I mean you've both been going out with people for along time. If things sucked that much you both would have broken up with them along time ago.

[Undertaker]

First of all, Superfantastico has it on the money in my opinion.

 

Secondly, there are a few things on which i'd like to comment (I'll number them to look professional!!!):

 

1. You're not confused and he's not confused. You're both just saying that. You both know what you want, it's just that neither of you know how to go about getting it.

 

2. You're not "friends". The sooner you realize it, the better it will be. "Friends", can hang out together, go on trips together, talk regularly, etc. You have put limits on these things....Oh, and I forgot...you both don't even like each other as "friends", you both want more from each other. That kinda moves it out of the "friends" category.

 

3. What you really want to hear is, "You both have strong feelings for each other and therefore, you must be together and live happily ever after". That's not necessisarily true. Because (among other things) you've maintained a "friends-with-feelings" relationship for a number of years, you've both basically been lying to your significant others. The truth is, when you're with him, you might be thinking about "A" instead. Same goes for "A" when he's with his significant other. In my opinion, that's just wrong. If either of you loved your significant other, you would not even give each other the time of day anymore.

 

4. When you were single, he had his chance to break up with his woman and hook up with you. He didn't take that chance. If you were to break up with your man now, would he let that chance go by yet again? My gut tells me he would...what does yours say?

 

5. The answer is as simple as the ABC's. Look at Superfantastico's 'list' and choose an option. Because frankly, those are your only options. Just prepare yourself for consequences that you may not like.

[redhead]

I just made a post something similiar to this one.

 

One piece of advice to you --- if you cant trust yourself, dont meet with him.

 

We had the phone calls, and then finally we met. Its been crazy for me since. Once I was with him, and we kissed, it was over.

 

I am so torn now between my feelings.

 

If you dont wanna be where I am, dont go meet him.