Its been 3 months...will it begin to hurt less?

[Leximom15]

Well its been 3 months since he left because he "needed time to think". I've hired a lawyer and STBX has been very pushy about wanting to get "his things". He says Im being difficult because I wont let him come and get his surfboards and our boat. Difficult? Must be real difficult to be without a surfboard. Try being left by someone you love, giving up your job to move back home, uprooting 2 children once again for this man. I've gotten past the denial stage and have teetered on grief and anger. I am still very much heartbroken and find myself thinking of him often but just don't know why. He was withdrawn from me for months before he left, I suffered depression because of the lack of intimacy and communication for many months before he left. I know I'm going to be better off but wonder when these feelings and obsessive thoughts will subside. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy my children again.

 

 

I will be moving out of marital home to return to my hometown as I see no reason to remain in this area where he will be. I am giving up my job and having to try to find a new one. Will have to move back in with my parents(and I have 2 children that are not his) and start all over at 44. He promised so many things when I agreed to move away from my family and move here to be with him. I took my children away from their father and extended family all for a man that never really committed to the marriage. He of course blames me and says I "never respected him anyway" and "I called him a dickhead in front of my children" those are the only 2 reasons he can come up with. (I did call him a dickhead....he was being one!) I tried so hard to get him to open up and discuss our issues so that we could salvage the marriage. Had no idea he would leave that easily and hasn't been back since. I did find some proof that he may be seeing someone because of purchases in another town (that we have never been to as a couple) so it seems he checked out long before I knew it was happening. He really made me feel like a "crazy" person even finding myself seeing a counselor(alone) and a psychiatrist for meds for depression.

 

 

How long can I expect to hurt over this separation and divorce? What are some suggestions to protecting myself and my emotions during this trying time? Any "success" stories that have helped you move on, get what you should in the divorce settlement, etc. ( I know that divorce is a lose-lose situation but just looking for some encouragement for those that have been through it and been the "dumpee") Scared, hurt and trying to move on!

[KBarletta]

It seems he checked out long before I knew it was happening.

 

This is exactly what happened to me, so I know what you are going through. This was the hardest part for me to accept, and I am still not sure I have completely accepted it yet. It's really disheartening when someone you thought was committed to building a life with you bails out without giving you a chance to work things out.

 

How long can I expect to hurt over this separation and divorce? What are some suggestions to protecting myself and my emotions during this trying time? Any "success" stories that have helped you move on, get what you should in the divorce settlement, etc. ( I know that divorce is a lose-lose situation but just looking for some encouragement for those that have been through it and been the "dumpee") Scared, hurt and trying to move on!

 

 

There is no way to know how long it will take, and as a fellow "dumpee" I can tell you that I am nearly six months in, and I still have moments where the pain is raw and still feels fresh. There also are days where I feel perfectly normal, but it definitely goes back and forth, and it will for a while. I would advise you to seek a counselor to talk things through with, if that is an option. Keep a journal of your thoughts, write down what you're feeling, post here, etc., it really does help when you can sort out your thoughts and move through them deliberately instead of just hoping the pain will go away. It will, but you can help it along, or hinder it, depending on how you react.

 

 

I feel for you, and I am sorry you're going through this. It's good that you are here, though, as there is a lot of good advice on these boards, and just the act of posting is at times therapeutic.

[ArtIsMyThing]

How long can I expect to hurt over this separation and divorce? What are some suggestions to protecting myself and my emotions during this trying time? Any "success" stories that have helped you move on, get what you should in the divorce settlement, etc. ( I know that divorce is a lose-lose situation but just looking for some encouragement for those that have been through it and been the "dumpee") Scared, hurt and trying to move on!

 

Hugs hon, just know that you're not alone in this, everyone here is feeling this and everyone knows what you're feeling. You asked how to protect yourself emotionally - this would be my advice.

 

Recognise everything you feel is normal, there is nothing wrong with you. Part of the process of it all is too detach. The dumper has already mostly detached well before they call it quits, so he could be a year or two ahead of you. You have spent a long time with this person and shared many things, lives entwined and it hurts like a bugger to detach from this person. Its like a death but the person is out there walking around. You just have to know its a process and it takes time and you are normal. Your mind is likely thinking of him 24/7. Try and find 5 minutes out of every hour where you force your mind not to think of him. Get your mind on to something else even if all you do is keep repeating the word Me Me Me Me Me for 5 minutes. After a week try and extend that to 6 minutes then 8 then 10. When you find your mind going to hope for the future - say me me me me me - stop that thinking. When you find yourself analysing the past - again say me me me me - whatever you have to do to start training your mind to disconnect.

 

Stop rehashing the past - DO think and fantasise about your future. Schedule a walk in daily. Play a game with your kids. Anything at all to detach.

You are going to be ok hon, you are going to be better then ok.

 

In part of me going thru it - i suffered depression - i didnt want to go on medication so i used L-Tyrosine - the most expensive version of it so it was pure and had no fillers - i used half a flat teaspoon a day and boy did it act fast. Get a b-complex. But the biggest thing is the fear - DO NOT fear that your going to be alone for the rest of your life. DO NOT fear that that you wont survive this - you will.

 

It took me a year - and it was the day after the divorce that i finally felt a relief. But i can now see that i could have made it easier on myself if i had just stopped setting him up in my mind as a greek god that i could not live without.

 

You are going to be ok hon.